Thursday, January 31, 2008

In a perfect world....

The more I think about missing the opportunity to become a PA because of the whole "what if a baby thing" the more I want to go ahead and do it now. I honestly don't know 100% what I want to "do" with my life, but I keep coming back to this option. I like medicine...I like science....I like being able to fix people....I don't want to spend 4 years at med school...it makes sense. I have already missed the cut off date to start in Fall of 08, so I would have to wait until Fall of 09 to start my program. That's cool though because I can spend the next year or so shadowing other PA's and getting back involved in the clinical side of medicine, oh and in a perfect world I would get KU'd in the next six to eight months so I can have my cake and eat it too. =P

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

It's the little things....

I just got my IUI cycle bill from the new doc.....120.00!!! Hell yes!! Apparently the IUI and the sperm wash are billed separately, and since the lab bills it as male fertility testing my insurance covers it! Rock on! So, I just successfully completed the cheapest medicated IUI cycle ever. Given the fact I used my left over meds from last time including all meds, co-pays, and procedures it cost me 190.00 bucks......holy crap....I will gladly take the little things sometimes, and in some odd way it takes the sting out of my BFN just a tiny bit.

Just because

My cousin's baby shower is next weekend...on the 9th. She only tried for 6 months.....she was 10 weeks ahead of me....we even went to a birth convention together in town....I remember being so excited then. I remember thinking how great it is our kids would be so close because, although not in age, my cousin and I are very close. I remember thinking that at her baby shower I would have my own little belly...I remember thinking we would be swapping new mom stories at family get-togethers.

Funny thing about her only trying 6 months though is that she has a history of long cycles so her doctor wanted her to do a progesterone test to see about PCOS an anovulation, but she ordered it on cd21. When the results came back her nurse told her the level was .1, she didn't ovulate, and they were referring her to an RE for infertility testing and possible treatment. She was freaked out so she called me because she knows I have been through infertility myself. I calmly told her that since her cycles are longer, she probably didn't ovulate on cd14, making the P test at cd21 invalid...it doesn't mean she's not ovulating, it means she hasn't ovulated yet or she ovulated much later than they expected. Two weeks later my mom calls and tells me my cousin is pregnant. Yeah, and since everyone who reads this is familiar with the TTC timeline....she probably conceived that night I talked to her. Irony is a bitch sometimes, but I digress.

As for the baby shower thing, there are a few people who know what happened during my SIL's baby shower (I didn't have a blog then, sorry) and I fully think (because of that) everyone is expecting me to be frigid during this one as well because THIS time I'm not only dealing with IF but I'm dealing with my m/c too. Oh, and it's not for certain if my mom is going because of things between her and the aforementioned SIL who happens to be co-hosting the shower. That sucks because my Mom was my only saving grace last time. I've been dreading this day for a long time....dreading her birth even more because her baby's birth marked the nearing of MY baby's birth. I'm not sure if people in my family feel sorry for me or think I'm pathetic.....no one has really talked to me about how it felt when I went through my m/c. Of course I got the cards and the occasional hug for no reason....but no one really asked because most likely no one wanted to hear. They didn't want to hear about how I tried to hold my composure while getting that beta knowing what it would tell me. They didn't want to hear about how I had tried so hard for this. They didn't want to know about the Saturday morning I couldn't get out of bed because all I wanted to do was cry. They don't want to know I still keep my pregnancy journal because I simply don't know what to do with it. They don't want to know about the bouncy seat, diaper bag and spare car seat that now sits in my basement, unused and discarded....the onsies we bought at Target because we couldn't resist (because of course we were immune to m/c ::sigh::) that are stilling hanging in the closet....the maternity announcement shirts now folded in my drawer. The truth is, no one in my family (except maybe my mom) really cares about this stuff....at least that is how it feels.

What brought about all of these feelings right now you ask? Well, I had been feeling them for awhile now but I found this list posted on a blog called "Our Daughters Have Wings" and it all came pouring out. Even though I lost my twins in the first trimester, everything is all so true and so unbelievably heart-wrenching....Here it goes:

20 Things Parents of Angels Wish People Would Remember

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my babies. The truth is just because you never saw my babies doesn't mean they don't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about my babies and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my babies. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my babies with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about my babies more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my babies. The truth is I love my babies and need to talk about them.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my babies died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my babies, the love I feel for my babies, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my babies are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that my babies never existed. The truth is we both know I had babies growing inside me.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing my babies doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you wouldn't think that my babies weren't really babies and they were blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my babies were human lives. My babies had souls, hearts, bodies, legs, arms and faces. I have seen my babies' bodies and faces. My babies were real people - and they were alive.

13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my babies were born and the days I lost my babies are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing my babies has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the babies I lost and no other baby can replace them. Babies aren't interchangeable. Besides, you do not know whether we have fertility problems too.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my babies or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that it's natures way of telling me something was wrong with my babies. The truth is my babies were perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?

I've been tagged!!

Yay! My friend Nancy has tagged me again. She tagged me once back in 2007 (when my blog was first starting out), and I'm really glad she does because if not I would never be able to participate in these fun little blog games due to my limited blog followers =)

So, the rules are simple: link to the person who tagged you, list the rules in your blog, share six non-important quirks about yourself, tag at least 3 people, and leave those you tagged a comment so they can play too! Here it goes....

1.) Between 7th and 9th grade my feet shrank almost two sizes. Yes, you read that right...they shrank. In 7th grade my tennis shoes (based on sizing for cheerleading shoes) was a 7.5, by the time I had to be fitted again in HS they were a 6! I'm pretty sure it's because I lost a little bit of my "chubby weight" in middle school, but still...it's pretty nifty. Oh, and along with this I stopped growing in 8th grade.

2.) Speaking of feet.....my toes are double jointed (I will have to post a picture of this later so you can get the full effect of what I mean) and I have two small freckles in between my right toes that I often forget are there and try to scrub off because I think it's dirt.

3.) I've only broken three bones in my entire life. One, my middle finger running the mile...haha, yeah yeah, I tripped walking to the track to run it. I got my best time ever but my finger was the size of a sausage afterward and I had to get my gym teacher to zip up my jeans. Two, my elbow at the bowling alley....I was 5, my parents were in a league and the attendant in the childcare room swung me around by my hands and pop went my elbow. Ok, maybe it was dislocated and not "broken" but I still needed a cast...it was pink. Thirdly, my toe during a play I was performing in. One of the men stepped back on my foot and broke two toes...I was around 9. To this day I can't separate those two toes when I spread my toes out.

4.) I finished my Bachelor's degree in 2.5 years. Not much explaining there...I just loaded up on classes each semester.

5.) I was a vegetarian for almost two years in HS. I'm not sure what started it (maybe I wanted to lose weight) but the only reason I ate meat again was because my dad sat me down one night and forced me to eat beef (I had gotten really anemic-holy shit you should have seen my prom pics. I was skinny but white as a ghost). Although I now eat meat again and chicken is one of my favorite foods I still have a lot of "vegetarian tendencies" as in I really like tofu and I would take a veggie burger over the real thing any day of the week.

6.) Lastly, I really love the show "Sex and the City" because that is my altered reality. Part of me would LOVE to be that girl with the crazy dating life, 3 best friends, a sweet apartment in NYC, and enough money to buy Prada and Versace when I want.

OK, there are my random things....now lets find out more about Jen, Megan, Carrie and Kelly

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Storytime!

So I debated about how to do this story thing, whether I should start from my earliest childhood, do random events, or talk about the latest stuff first; however I figure I will start with the most basic one today...how Thomas and I met. Since there is an age difference between my husband and I we often get asked how we got together...so here it goes....

I always find it funny how all of life circumstances leads you to where you are today, and how each decision paves the way for your adulthood. So, in reality the story of Thomas and I meeting can be dated back to my HS years. All throughout HS I had a steady BF that I started to date the beginning of my Sophomore year. By the time senior year rolled around we were still together (although we had our issues and probably should have broken up before this point) and since we both wanted to go to UNCG down in Greensboro we got an apartment together there after graduation. As it turned out I decided to take a year off from school and ended up working full time at a Vet's office while he worked part time (sometimes) and went to school. This was in Aug and by the 1st week in Oct. we had broken up, however we remained roommates because of our lease. Although one would think this situation would end terribly it was probably the best our relationship had been in a year.....apparently we really were better off as friends. So as couples who break up always do, we started dating other people. Also, as young people often do....we began to date our friends and each other friends....he dated a girl he was close with in HS and I started dating her ex-BF (sort of ironic huh?).

Well, my ex-BF's girlfriend's ex (did you catch that?) i.e-the guy I was dating at the time, worked at Old Navy in my hometown, and on his birthday he wanted me to go out with him and meet up with some people he worked with at a local restaurant/bar (do you see where this is going yet?). Yeah, Thomas was one of his co-workers. So we officially met the first week in April of 2004....he was 29, I was 19. I thought he was cute and ended up being fun to talk to, but he had a girlfriend and I of course was dating his co-worker. Looking back on it I never really considered him dating material- one, the age difference (although he did not look almost 30 at all!) and two, he just wasn't my "type" (and hell, if you want to get technical, he's still not). Anyways, fast foreword to the end of May where me and the birthday boy had broken up (but remained friends) and I decided to stop into Old Navy one day to say hello, and as it turns out Thomas was there working that day too so we met again. After this second meeting I thought he would be a fun guy to hang out with so I asked my friend (yes, the ex) for his number which in turn he told Thomas and I asked and gave him my number. He called after a few days and we talked on the phone for a week or two before having our first date. We went to a local restaurant and to the movies to see Shrek 2 ( I have a soft spot for Pixar, lol)....and well, I guess the rest is history. We got engaged a month later and married in May of 2005. We are polar opposites but somehow we make it work. I certainly wasn't looking for a husband when I asked for his number, and he had pretty much given up on dating at the time but as it turns out he fell in love instead.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Oh Birth Control....how I miss you

So Thomas and I of course decided not to actively try for a little bit, but I am obviously not going to go back on BC; however I loved birth control (my favorite was the patch) and sometimes wish I was still taking it. On my BC my boobs went up a size (yeah, that was sweet), my cramps were less intense, I didn't get my usual once a month mini break out, and best of all I didn't bleed like a damn stuck pig....hello shorter, lighter periods...how I miss you....oh and lastly I was horny a lot! haha.

Secondly, Thomas is going to get his blood work done while we are TAB because with IVF he will have to do it anyways. He is getting tested for AIP (because we found out it runs in his family) in addition to seeing if he is a carrier for CF, and if either one of these come back positive we will end up doing PGD when we cross that IVF bridge (and this means we will go straight to IVF and forgo any other IUIs as well).

Thirdly, I am going to start a new tradition of posting one or two stories about my childhood or special moments in my life each week. I figured I have to give you something to read about since TTC is on the back burner ;-)

Saturday, January 26, 2008

It's exactly 5:05 AM

and I can't sleep. Maybe it's because I started AF again or maybe it's because this is technically only my 2nd "real" AF post-m/c I'm not exactly sure, but whatever the reason I can't stop dreaming about it. "It" being pregnancy loss....my pregnancy loss, maybe pregnancy loss in general and the fact I am supposed to be pregnant right now. Tonight for some strange reason I keep dreaming about June 3rd....I'm honestly glad I'm not dreaming about going through my m/c again, but dealing with my due date is almost just as sad. A couple things stick out for me in this one...one, I am writing a letter to my babies of course to wish them happy birthday (although most likely they would have been early, twins and all). Does anyone else out there who has gone through a m/c find it odd that you will never really know your baby's "true" birthday? Of course the due date is the best candidate to honor this, but let's face it, only about 10% of babies come on their actual due date....however I digress.

Also, in my dream it is unclear if I am pregnant again because I can't see myself. Actually, this dream really isn't visual at all, it's more focused on the way I feel that day. Maybe this confusion of pregnancy is a manifestation of my current state of not "actively" TTC, because although there is no guarantee I would be pregnant again before my due date even when were were TTC, wouldn't you agree there is a bit more uncertainty with the "just relax" method? ;-) Anyways, maybe this concept makes me sad in my dream, but again it's unclear. The one thing I can remember about my "dream" tonight is the feeling of it all being surreal. Surreal knowing that I was supposed to be a mom by June 3rd, and surreal knowing I won't be. I woke up wanting to rub my belly because I would be a nice rounded 21 weeks by now (to be honest with you I had to look that up because at this point I stopped counting). I imagined coming into my living room right now and talking to them in the wee hours of the morning instead of writing this. See, surreal I tell ya because I can't even grasp that concept right now. But at the same time this surreality is stemming from the fact I am almost forgetting that I am supposed to be pregnant at this point in time...it's like it never even happened.....which is why thinking about June 3rd is so odd for me, and quite frankly I don't want to dream about it anymore.

Friday, January 25, 2008

My new philosophy

Now that I don't have to spend money on fertility treatments for quite awhile I've decided to spend the money I've been saving for it. If you knew me, you would know this is a big deal as I have a hard time spending money on myself if there are other "more important" things to be taken care of. Normally I would take this money and put it towards a few bills etc....but not now. I am going to buy an elliptical machine (I found one at sears for 700 dollars off, rock on!) and Thomas and I are going to buy a new king sized bed because we need one desperately.

I decided today that I am going to die with bills to pay, so until then I am going to enjoy today and think about myself more often. Yes, this means I get to be a bit more selfish for once, and not worry about every single cent we spend as long as we make ends meet (which we do)... and to be quite frank...I don't feel bad about it. I have given up a lot of myself to infertility, and I'm ready to take it back. Oh, and by the way.....Bacardi Silver Mojito's are fantastic! =)

Update: a few minutes after I posted this DH and I got a little "fun time" in (purely for fun too, sweet!) it was great....subsequently it brought on AF about a day early, but since it's already evening cd1 of C-TAB starts tomorrow....good thing I picked up tampons and midol at Wal-Mart tonight.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

The comfort of a riverbank

So, it pretty much goes without saying that today is a crappy day all around. So, when things get crappy, I turn to music.....usually sad music to match my mood, and today I came across Simon and Garfunkels' "Bridge over troubled water" and it got me thinking about WHY Thomas and I are ready to give up or take a break right now. For those who don't know, the lyrics go like so:

" When you're weary, feeling small,
When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all;
Im on your side. when times get rough
And friends just cant be found,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.

When you're down and out,
When you're on the street,
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you.
Ill take your part.
When darkness comes
And pains is all around,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down."

In the past six months my dear husband and I have been to our version of hell and back....we had cycles canceled, we had jackass doctors, unneeded stress, a m/c, a cycle break, a new clinic, a new cycle and another big BFN....and oh yeah, Christmas, Thanksgiving, both our birthdays (i.e-constant reminders of time gone by), and a close family BFP were thrown in the mix somewhere. So today when I really listened to this song it hit home....hard.

To me, this song implies that when one person is down, the other is the strong fortress that gets them through it...gets them over "the troubled waters". Pretty self-explanatory, yes? However I decided that this is a great metaphor for the raging river that is infertility. On the days I'm feeling like I can't go on and the rapids are just too much to face....he is there to help me forward. On the days he wants to jump in and just give up....I am his hope for stability. How else would any couple get through this if that wasn't the case? As completely loving as this concept sounds, if you really look at it, it ultimately implies that in order to keep going one person is always getting "stepped on"...having to hide their true feelings, smiling when all they want to do is cry. Of course this type of selflessness is the greatest act of love, but is it really fair when it happens over and over and over again for the same reason for years on end? If someone always has to be the bridge....you can never really cross it together.

So in all of that thought process I've decided I'm tired of having to step on my husband all of the time. Neither one of us has the strength to be the bridge right now....so for now, we are going to sit on the riverbank together, hand in hand....and see the sunrise of a new day just beyond the water....together.

As if I didn't know....

12dpiui=BFN=that's all folks. DH and I are taking a brief hiatus from TTC. Once AF makes her lovely appearance this time around there will be no more temping, no more peeing, no more medication, no more u/s and no more procedures for a little while. Two and half years is too fucking long to still not be pregnant and have nothing wrong. Inherently SOMETHING has to be wrong because I have I mentioned we aren't pregnant? But alas, nothing medical is wrong. Of course I will notice if I ever have EWCM and such like that simply because, well, I do pee at least once a day, haha.

February, March and April are going to be a bitch because I have one baby shower, two baby birthday parties, and one birth to endure. Luckily since I'm not TTC anymore I can happily drink my way through most of it ;-)

Oh and, I may take a brief commenting hiatus too. It's not that I don't want to support everyone, I do...and I might still be lurking, it's just that it hurts and I don't have the strength to go through your pain (and sometimes even your happiness) too while dealing with the concept of giving up right now. My heart is so full, yet so empty at the same time.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Two things....

One, I was so sad this morning that I forgot to say thank you for all the birthday wishes, messages, cards, etc....I greatly appreciate it. I like birthdays in general, but birthdays in the life of an infertile can really suck....so thanks all for being there. =) On the bright side, my melt down was today and NOT yesterday, hahaha.

Two, I have a love/hate relationship with the chart gallery on FF. I always turn to the gallery to search pregnancy charts with things that resemble my cycle and my favorite one to search is "Neg. HPT before Pos. HPT" because of course it gives me hope to see people who have BFN's at 10 or 11dpo and end up getting BFP's at 12 or 13dpo....HOWEVER, parading through the chart gallery always makes me look at the stats of everyone who has submitted a chart there...very rarely will you see an infertile in the mix (although today I did see someone who got a BFP after 55 cycles....whoa). Usually you will see people who try between 3-12 months and boom, get to post their chart and today I came across a chart that was TTC for 1 month AND (this is my favorite part) had sex ONE time a few days before O happened. I'm not sure why this surprises me because that is how things are "supposed" to happen right?!? ::eyeroll:: But in my bitter moment right now I want to give a big F-You to all the fertiles in FF's chart gallery.....Thank you, that is all.

11dpiui=BFN

Although I am not going to go screaming through the halls "I'm out completely this cycle"....I do feel it is time to let a little bit of hope slip out of my heart. Yes, I know my temp went up again (btw I slept great), and yes I know that 11dpo is still considered "early", but I also know my body when it is "just a little bit pregnant" and this isn't it. Oh, and please raise your hand if you had a "perfect" chart and still got your period....yeah, I think everyone can attest to that one.

Truth be told, I've been on the verge of tears all morning.....just thinking about my entire TTC life in general, not just this most recent disappointment. To let you in on a little secret, I just *knew* this would be the only cycle we had to do post m/c. Three follies, good sperm, great timing=apparently nothing....but in my head THIS had to be the one. I don't want to keep doing this....honestly I don't. My heart is very much contemplating just giving up on it all if this cycle keeps heading down the path I foresee. DH made a comment to me this morning that I just can't shake, and although I have said it to myself many times it was like a slap in the face to hear Thomas acknowledge it too: "We've put our life on hold for 2.5 years because of this crap". So, since then I have been thinking about what we have "put on hold", and the major things are like so:

~First and foremost, we put our marriage on hold. Of course we have made some wonderful memories these past years, but I know in the back of our head there has always been that voice saying "next year this will be better because we will have a baby" or "wouldn't this seem perfect if we had a child". For those who don't know, Thomas and I started TTC three months after we got married....so for basically our ENTIRE married life, we have been struggling to have a child.

~We gave up our sex life. This one seems pretty self-explanatory, but let me go a little further. Of course we have sex...we have sex to make a baby...FDing is few and very far between. I would go as far to say that we have "sex for fun" once every couple of months. Also along with the loss of our sex life I feel comes some loss of attraction because we aren't have sex simply because we can't resist each other or have a strong desire to intimate with one another.

~We've given up vacations. Thomas and I have put off making vacations plans in the off chance I would be too far along or just given birth (this thinking was the first year of TTC). The second year of TTC we didn't go on vacations because we needed money for treatments....and as we found out, money for treatments that didn't work that well. The last time Thomas and I went on vacation alone (i.e-without family or going to visit family or anything work related) was our honeymoon....May of 2005.

~I gave up different education. See, when I first started going to the college I eventually graduated from (and now work for) I wanted to go into our PA program. It was still a B.S at the time, and it was what I wanted to do....this was in Aug. of 04 in hopes of starting the PA program in Fall of 2005 or possibly 2006 if I wanted to wait one more year....meaning I would have graduated last May or in a few months from now (it's a two year program). However, the more Thomas and I discussed starting a family and then actually started trying we realized that once I got pregnant (yeah, nothing was an *if* at that time, ha) I would be in the middle of my program and would have to drop out (it's very intense). In saying this, having a family was much more important (actually it is the only dream I have always been sure of) to me than being a PA because I could still get my B.S in Biomedical Sciences from the same school and raise a family at the same time. All I have to say about this is HA HA HA. At this point I could have started that program, graduated, gotten a solid, stable, well-paying (as in about 15,000 more than I'm making now just to start off) job AND have respect in the medical community.

~I gave up trying for better jobs. In regards to the previous comment, I have also given up on trying to get a better job with the degree I actually have. This is because I have been with my same company for 3 years now, and decided it would be silly to leave and start somewhere else because I will, and I quote, "get pregnant and since I haven't been there year, not get my FMLA" or "not qualify for short term. dis. on maternity leave" (which btw, I have a whole completely different post about that given the events yesterday, but I digress). Don't get me wrong, my job is stable, it isn't too complicated and brings home a steady paycheck that covers the mortgage and all our bills BUT there is no where for me to go here. No ladder or chain of command to move up. I feel like I'm stalling out staying here, but because of the reasons listed above I haven't tried to find a new job with a new company. I think I am going to start looking actually.....

~We gave up our house preference. See, as all new home buyers do Thomas and I had a list of "must haves", "wants" and "can live withouts". When Thomas and I started looking to buy our house about a year and a half ago, we of course wanted to get something that would accommodate babies, children, etc. Although we realized most first homes aren't that lavish we had a decent loan approval and saw a lot of condo's or town homes that we loved, but always said we wanted our toddler to have a yard to play around in so we opted out of those. As far as houses go, we ended up buying a house with a yard in a great neighborhood with NOTHING of our "must have list". Examples: our house is a 1 bathroom instead of at least a 1.5, it has 2 bedrooms instead of our minimum three (ours, a study, and the nursery), the kitchen is completely nonfunctional with no dishwasher and odd layout (for someone who loves to cook, this is torture), it doesn't have a garage or finished basement for all of our stuff (and believe me we have a lot, as do most people)....god I could go on forever. But because of the neighborhood and the land, which is really only .17 acres, but still a lot in the middle of a city.....we bought it because it was a "house", thinking we could fix it up and make it work. If we had to do it all over again, knowing we would be childless 2.5 years later....we would have gotten some awesome loft or one bedroom condo overlooking downtown, which is really more our style because we honestly both hate yard work.

In my mind, those are HUGE things....things that make me sad....things that make me realize how different life would be. I've decided that regardless of an individual's fertility, infertility is a couples problem. It doesn't make a difference if both are primed and ready to make babies if you can't actually make them together. Sometimes I wish Thomas would just leave and go marry someone who can give him children (not that ~I~ want him gone, I just hate not being able to fulfill this part of his life). Looking back over it all, although we've stuck together and grown...our desire to create love's ultimate gift has caused us more pain and compromise than should be allowed. I realize that I could wake up tomorrow or the day after that and still get a BFP, but that wouldn't make this post any less valid because this post isn't about that....this post is about the past, what we, my husband and I, have put on hold or given up based on one huge maybe that never came to be.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Happy Birthday to Me!

Yay....another year, wow! Like my new layout? I accidentally erased my bloglist so I am going to have to go back and fix that later....oops!

Today has been a pretty good day so far. I had a BFN this morning, but no worries because it's only 10dpiui and my temp is staying steady (which is surprising given the night I had).

~10:00: went to bed
~10:30: finally got to sleep
~1:00am: woke up very restless and was sure it was time for the alarm....struggled to get back to sleep
~2:00am: DH wakes me up to ask where the Tylenol is, although I had been awake for about 5 minutes already
~3:45: wake up again because I'm ridiculously hot and coughing. Turns out DH shut our bedroom door which decreased the airflow and the heat made it dry....couldn't breath. Decided to temp because I was wide awake and afraid I wasn't going to sleep again, temp 97.91 (which with the temp corrector that would put my "normal" temp at 98.41)
~4:30: finally get back to sleep
~5:45: alarm goes off 30 minutes early because DH has to be at work at 7:30....temp 98.43, which worked out well. Since it was close to my previous adjusted temp I rolled with it even with the prior lack of sleep.

Sounds fun, huh? As silly as it is, I think I blame our new sheets. I haven't sleep as well with them, maybe I should switch back.

My parents are always very grateful for my birthdays (as am I) because when I got really sick around 6 months old, and since at this time treatments for CF were fairly "new", the doctors weren't sure how long I would live.

I had more to say this morning, but I seem to have forgotten it now....oh well, hope everyone has a great day!! =)

Monday, January 21, 2008

I forgot to pee

Well, I didn't actually forget to pee...I just forgot to PIAC for my test...damn. Oh well, I'm only 9dpiui so it's not like I didn't know what I was going to see, err uh not see, this morning =P I will definitely test tomorrow.....no doubts about it. Although I will say that if I *am* pregnant this time around my chart isn't showing it as clearly as it did last time. Yeah, yeah I know you don't HAVE to have a second shift to get a BFP, it was just nice to see ;-)

Saturday, January 19, 2008

7dpIUI

and trigger out =) This means I can start peeing with purpose on Monday morning. Yeah, I know 9dpiui is early, but hey, I buy tests in bulk ;-)

IUI Silliness...

So I was thinking about my IUI today since I am exactly 7dpiui (actually almost to the exact hour because DH and I walked out of the docs office 20 minutes ago last week), and then I started thinking of the silly things I do during an IUI 2WW. Of course I take my vitamins and drink water like normal, but check this weird stuff out:

~ The night after the IUI I sleep on the side I know my egg(s) are in hopes the sperm will swim that way (gravity, right? haha)

~Then around 5-7ish dpo I try to sleep on the opposite side to aid any fertilized egg out of my tubes and actually into my uterus (I have a huge fear of ectopic)

~Starting at about 7dpo I squeeze my boobs on a daily basis just to see if they are getting sore or more full.....yeah, this one is fairly standard

~No jumping, bouncing, or heavy lifting (don't want to interfere with implantation you know, sheesh) I still exercise at least 4 times a week, I just forgo my hip hop dance.

~Here's a new one: I am now comparing everything I feel or notice to my last "successful" 2WW. This sucks for several reasons....one, it gives me something else to obsess over, two, I think it creates a hope that may not have been there before and three, the rational side of me knows this is crazy because even on the off chance this works again it doesn't mean my "symptoms" will be the same.

So, there is my list of completely ridiculous (and sometimes irrational) 2WW oddities, and as strange as this is, I know I'm not the only one.....so I want to know, what do you do "different"?

Friday, January 18, 2008

6dpIUI and 8dp-trigger

Two lines still there. It's faint, but I can still see it's existence.....yes I have already started peeing this time around, crazy huh? =P I will test again tomorrow night ;-)

Thursday, January 17, 2008

A Fluffy Thursday....

I am off from work today because it's snowing (another perk of working for a school)....a beautiful, white, fluffy snow and I love it. Ginger loves it too, which always makes me smile. This is the first real "snowstorm" that has brought anything but a crappy icy mix since last year.

Speaking of fluff....here is some fluff from my mind right now:

~What ever happened to the love song? I mean a good ol' fashioned, dance at your wedding, love ballad. Last night I saw a commercial for "Country love songs" and I realized that every song on that cd came out in the mid to late 90's. Even on Delilah at night the songs are mainly based out of the 90's. Did the love song die out at the turn of the century? I know there are songs out now that imply love or talk about relationships....but not a real "love song". Any thoughts on this?

~Speaking of songs, I really like that song "Best Days" by Matt White

~Last night I made the comment I was thirsty and DH asked me if I was pregnant again. He said he distinctly remembers me being thirsty last time. I on the other hand don't remember a lot about it, but one, it was cute he noticed and two, considering I'm only 5dpiui today it was a question without grounds...silly man ;-)

~Ok, this one is a weird one, but what do sperm swim in once they reach the uterus? Follow me on this one.....To fertilize an egg the sperm must swim out of it's ejaculate by the use of proteins which allow the sperm to have motility. When the sperm reaches the cervix it must swim through the cervical mucus into the uterus...ok check, got that. Here is where my question comes in....once they reach the uterus what medium to they have to swim through? If you look at the structure of the uterus you have the balloon-like fist sized organ that is composed of a myometrium (the muscle), an endometrium (the lining that gets built up and shed each month), and a hollow lumen (space) in the middle which anyone who has ever had an u/s has seen. Since sperm need something (besides air) to swim through....what fills this space to allow that? I know they don't swim though the endometrium. Does the uterus have it's own mucus to aid the sperm? And if so, do sperm slither along the side of the uterus until it reaches the fallopian tubes to be aided by the cilia in hopes of reaching an egg? Has anyone else besides myself thought about this? However, in my quest to find this answer I ran across an interesting article here if anyone wishes to look.

~My husband went to work today in his lowered prelude coupe...now he has to find someone to give him a ride home. I really hope his work lets him out early.....we really need a car with AWD.

~Wow, it's only 8:10.....I feel like I've been up forever.

~Nancy....good luck today. I am truly hoping you get some news that will help you move on with a plan of action.

That's all for now...I'm sure I will think of more as the day goes on. It's amazing I've never blogged before now given the stuff that goes through my mind.

See, yummy update: About a month ago I bought some homemade vanilla mint tea from a local vendor downtown. I tried it for the first time this morning and oh my goodness, it's to die for.....

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Who are these muppets?

Again, I am showing my novice in the IF blogger world, but I must ask "who are these muppets I keep reading about?" I've actually come across it three times today. Am I a muppet? I, being an IF blogger....are YOU a muppet? You meaning the people who support other IF bloggers (which inherently I become a muppet when I comment on other blogs). Who wishes to clear this up for me?

Thanks! =)

Oh, and my last two blog posts carry my record for number of comments...9...rock on!

Seven things I apparently need

It's silly, but hey....why not, work slowed to a halt in the last hour. Here are the top 7 results for my name typed into Google:

1.) Katie needs your help!

2.) Katie needs to be isolated (wow, this is starting to sound pathetic....)

3.) Katie needs to rest and recover from having her baby (no shit sherlock, thats the point....I swear I didn't make this one up)

4.) Katie needs to use the liter pan on her own (I think this is my personal favorite...off of the website "Adopt a Cat", apparently her name was Katie too)

5.) Katie needs hula lessons (rock on, I've always wanted to learn)

6.) Katie needs to go away and catch her breath, she is becoming overexposed on this show and its always the same story. (A bit appropriate, yes?)

7.) Katie needs a loving home (I don't think DH would like this one much)

Hmmm, who needs a thoughtless, silly laugh these days.....Nancy, Jen, Jenn, Jewels, Tammy, Monica, and Shay....go for it! =)


Make me a super.model, baby!

The other night DH and I were watching a commercial/preview for that show "Make me a Super.model", and one of the contestants on there goes "this isn't just a dream, it's THE dream" which, in my cynical ways, prompted me to say "wow, if the only thing you aspire to be is beautiful, you never really aspire to be much, huh?". Very witty if I do say so myself, however I have been thinking about this the past few days.

Let me start off by saying that I have never been "that girl". I'm not the type of girl who makes heads turn when she walks in a room. Yes, I was/am the funny one, the smart one, the "cute" one, the best friend one, and all in all I really liked that role growing up....it suited me. At somewhere between 5 ft and 5'1 the only way I make a presence in a room is by my personality, that of which I did develop quite nicely.....but at the same time could blend-in in a moments notice if I wanted to. However, I by no means got shafted in the gene pool as I would classify my physical appearance as "well-rounded" or "girl next door chic"...but as cynical as I was about that comment for once I would love to be THAT girl.

Sidenote here: Once right after DH and I got engaged we were talking about his "type" and how I don't really fall into it exactly. Basically his type was the typical "blond hair, blue eyes, decent body, party chick". This conversation led to DH admitting that when he was closer to my age (he is 10 years older for those who don't know) and he saw me (or someone like me-see description above) out in a bar or dance club he probably wouldn't even look twice for that reason.....nice huh? Story of my life, I swear.

O
K, back to that girl. Yes, I admit for once in my life (ok, maybe a few times) I really want that attention. I want to be the girl that people (manly men obviously) look at and go "wow, she's hot/beautiful" without even knowing me....based solely on physical appearance. Petty, yeah just a little, but it doesn't stop me from wanting it. For example, it's like a skier that always comes in 3rd place at the Olym.pics....even though placing is an honor, of course he wants first place every now and then. Same deal.

Now don't get me wrong, I love the fact I was blessed with intelligence (and yes I know pretty people are smart too, I'm not questioning that). However, Im sorry.... when I heard Harvard was giving Par.is Hil.ton some honorary degree or something like that I puked in my mouth a bit but I digress.... and I'm sure I am going to get some flip side comment like "well, you would hate it if you were judged by your looks all the time" this is true, I'm not denying that....however I said SOMETIMES I want to be the head turner....just to see what it was like. That's not too much to ask, right? ;-)

Oh, and check it....I used the "." hehehe.

Update: K cleared up the Harvard thing for me....thankfully ;-)

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

This is why I suck

So, as most of you know I just dropped out of my MS in counseling because I decided it wasn't what I really wanted to do. I originally entered into this program with the intents of becoming an infertility counselor. In my head, this made perfect sense: I understood the emotional issues that came with infertility AND I wanted to help people. However, I discovered that I will probably suck at it, and here's why:

First, let me start off by saying that it actually has nothing to do with the fact I am going through infertility myself. On the contrary I believe that people who have been though infertility can make wonderful counselors on the subject, and that was one aspect of my counseling that I felt the most comfortable with. I felt it gave me a deeper understanding of my client, and allowed me to have empathy for their situation creating a better relationship. However, MY issue comes into play because I understand the medical side of it as well AND I tend to analyze it (as obvious in my recent posts and pretty apparent to those who actually know me too). So, when I get into a situation when I feel I can't help a person feel better(or in other words, helpless) I fall back on my nature to want to fix the issue or find a reason for it. Sometimes people don't want things to be fixed (well, they want the issue fixed, yes) but that is not the reason they are seeking this specific help or comfort. Sometimes things just suck and there is no logical reason for it. I of all people understand this, but again...it's what I fall back on...I'm a fixer.

Secondly, throughout the short time I was studying counseling and the techniques that go along with it I found myself applying "strategy" to people going through IF too when they sought me out. The one thing that was supposed to help me understand how to make things better actually made me more distant in my support because I believe I was subconsciously trying to be professional about it. It almost felt like practice, and I failed terribly (also going back to reason one). Having this "professionalism" to fall back on was almost self preservation of some sorts because it allowed me to distance myself from the hurt (including my own). For example, except for a select few, I could say "I'm sorry" and even though I meant it every time, I didn't *feel* it, make sense? Although I think it did help me a bit and it gave me an interesting prospective, I didn't like how it was helping so it wasn't really worth it.

So thats it, I admittedly suck for the moment....but it's a damn good thing I figured this out now huh? ;-)

WTF Update

Ok, that's better. My temp went back up to 98.1 this morning, and I got CL's. You can check it out here. However I had to adjust *gasp* my temp the day after my trigger. Usually I just discard it since the nature of the trigger will inherently make it high, however I discovered that if I just drop it .1 degrees (all in all not a big deal) my CL's show up on Saturday, and although my shift is funky, I know I O'd. I know in the big picture where my CL's went wasn't a huge deal since I was basing my testing and cycle off of the number of dpiui, but it makes me happy.

I'm thinking yesterdays temp was just a fluke and I've concluded it is how I am sleeping lately. I get up at 4:30 without fail to pee (I think I need to drink less before bed, but I'm so darn thirsty). Then after I pee, my stomach starts to growl because I'm hungry meaning I don't fall back asleep until AT LEAST 5:00 and my temp time is at 6:15. If I don't get up to pee, then I toss and turn trying to fight the urge to get up, which again leaves me with a funky sleep pattern right before I temp. I'm either already up, trying to get back to sleep OR I wake up about an hour before I need to temp because I'm A) Hot or B) Cold. I've done this for three nights in a row....maybe it is all subconscious and now I know I O'd I won't be so fretful about it.

Monday, January 14, 2008

And in other (happy) news....

I registered for Cell Biology today. Since I am taking it at the school I work for it is free (via tuition reimbursement). I LOVE science, and am super happy to be back in that setting. Although I'm not working towards a specific degree, it makes me feel smart to keep taking classes. If you don't use it, you lose it....at least in my opinion ;-)

I'm having a WTF moment.....

I have no idea when I O'd. I am 99% sure I already have given my follies were between 18 and 19mm on Wednesday with my u/s, I had the beginnings of EWCM, and I triggered on Thursday night. All of this would indicate Oing by Saturday evening (which is what we were hoping for since my IUI was Saturday morning), right? However, my temps are not reflecting that AT ALL. Yes, on Sunday morning my temps went into the beginnings of my normal post O range of 97.95(yay, it all worked out like it was supposed too)....but today, when I expected them to be at least above 98.00 they dropped back down to 97.69....WTF?!?! In lieu of this I made DH BD this morning just in case, but by the amount of leakage I had (sorry TMI) I am pretty darn sure my cervix is very closed. Sidenote: I have this theory that if your cervix is more open, such as around ovulation, the leakage won't be as bad because there is an easy place for all the swimmers to go. However, if your cervix is very closed it's like running into a brick wall and more fall out.

A
nyways, I am thoroughly confused as of today but of course I think it could be a few things....

1.) The temp today is completely wrong. I actually woke up at 4:00 this morning because the dog decided to jump in the bed and I never really fell back asleep. I just tossed and turned until the alarm went off at 6:15. Plus around that same time I was super hot so I didn't get back under the covers. (I would much prefer this option) **clarification: I didn't actually temp at 4:00 (which I know would throw it off) I temped at my normal time.

2.) I actually haven't O'd yet (Good God that would suck and you best believe I would be demanding a refund for my IUI)

3.) I did O on Saturday and my P really sucks or is taking a little bit build up. This might be plausible, but on the flip side I had three eggs so it wouldn't make sense for me to have low P since I have never had that problem before.

4.) The trigger didn't make me O, and since I haven't had an u/s since Wednesday no one knows. Let me explain this one for a minute. My protocol had me using Novarel for the trigger...no big deal, it's what I used last time BUT last time I did it IM. This time the directions from the pharm (assumingly from my doc) said to take SubQ although the actual box of medication says "for intramuscular use only". I called my nurse to double check the directions from the pharmacy to make sure they were right and she goes "go ahead and take it like it says, we always do Novarel subQ". However, I find this odd because most of the information you find on Novarel says it's an IM administration. I am still a bit uneasy about this, and am wondering if I was given the wrong form of Novarel.

5.) Lastly, I O'd before the IUI like FF says I did. You can check it out here if you want. Now, I always discard the temp the morning after my trigger because of course my temp is going to go up and look like an artificial O, however if I don't discard it I get CL's that day but without it I don't get any CL's at all, even on the day of my IUI (I played around with future temps this morning to see what it did).

Any opinions out there? Anyone? I know not many people read my blog....but any help would be appreciated =/

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Tea time (kid photos)

I'm not sure if I mentioned it earlier but for my niece's 7th birthday my mom and I took both of the girls out to lunch at a local tea room where they are allowed to dress up in hats, jewelry, gloves, etc, and they had a blast. I just pulled the pictures off my camera and I wanted to share a few of my favorites =). Oh,and I have a few random pics to share as well.

This is the birthday girl herself....quite a ham huh? ;-)

This is the eldest of the niece clan.

I told the girls this was my Jackie O hat...they had no idea what I was talking about, haha.

Both girls. They play exceptionally well together, but given the fact they are only 15 months apart that makes sense.

I took this picture yesterday because little man is finally sitting up on his own. It's about time since he is 10 months old today, but he was a preemie so it works.


Lastly, this was the sunset DH and I ran into coming back from the RE's. I love living in the mountains....I don't think I could ever do otherwise.

Prop your hips up and tilt to the left.....

So no, the doctor didn't tell me to prop my hips up, but during my 20 minute post IUI rest DH told me to tilt a little to the left since we knew that is where the eggs were ;-) Speaking of DH, he was so great yesterday, massaging me while I was resting; we had a great day together overall....lunch, shopping, the trips to and from....it was great. I love him =)

Now, let's talk about the IUI itself because this procedure was a bit different than we were used to. First off, DH had to produce his sample there, which went fine by the way. The "collection room" was a private, small room with a bookshelf, tv, coffee table and sofa; quite quaint if you ask me. They had the collection cups on the shelf along with a sample of sperm friendly lube if you needed it (which I thought was nice because I heard some clinics don't do that). The weird thing is we had to keep walking down to the lab (it was at the other end of the hallway) to see if it was ready yet, and then once it was ready we had to carry it back to the office. In my old clinic after we turned in the sample we never touched it again. Next, the IUI itself took longer than normal....he was gentle, but he couldn't get the catheter in. The nurse had to press on my uterus to get my cervix to be more cooperative. Maybe it was too high or a bit tilted, I'm not sure what the issue was (although I have been told I have a tilted cervix).

So, I am officially 1dpiui today.....9 days until I start testing (well, actually I will test at 7dpiui to see if the trigger shot is still there) but "testing with hope and purpose" starts in 9 days. I don't know how I feel about it right now, it's a bit mixed. Of course I want it to work like it did last time (well, not EXACTLY, but yeah) but in my head I know the odds say it won't. Actually what I want is just to be able to have sex with my husband and make a baby.....is this too much to ask? ::sigh::

Friday, January 11, 2008

Flabbergasted....

I just read the update here from Mel about the Tyra banks show on infertility. My jaw hit the floor, and in my outrage this is what I wrote to the producers, or whoever reads her email:

"This is absolutely outrageous! As a woman who has been struggling with infertility for 2 and half years, I am flabbergasted by the audacity of this suggestion. You make infertility sound like something that needs an intervention! No, interventions are for people with addictions; infertility is a MEDICAL CONDITION. In my mind, this is the same as asking the family of someone going through Breast Cancer to tell the patient to change the way they are dealing with their problems. Why go through the chemotherapy? Just cut your breasts off because THAT will remove the emotional heartache of it all, and make it easier on the rest of us around you who feel, and I quote, "unvoiced jealously and seen her desperation first hand".

I am so outraged by this that words cannot even begin to describe what I feel and really want to say to anyone who thought this was a decent thing to do. Shame on the people who respond to this because they like the idea, shame on you Tyra for endorsing it, and shame on your producers too. Infertility is very much an internal struggle that many people seek counseling for. The LAST thing anyone in such a vulnerable state needs is to publicly relive their pain. In addition to all of that, if it isn't enough for you, this set-up will most likely make the woman going through infertility feel like she has lost all support from her family during a time when she needs understanding the most.


Lastly, this blurb makes it seem like adoption and surrogacy is easy! Can't get pregnant? Just adopt! I am 100% for adoption if it is something that a couple wants to do. Adoption builds families too, which is wonderful, but it cannot be forced on someone. Adoption is very expensive, it can take years for finances, paperwork, lawyers, and social workers to fall into place. Not to mention the home visits, portfolios, birth mother meetings, travel plans, oh and the possibility things falling through at the last minute because the mother has decided she wanted to keep the baby....does this really sound EASY to you? Oh, and did your producers actually stop for one minute and think that maybe "that woman" who is struggling so hard has tried these options without letting her family know? Maybe those options didn't work for her either, and she didn't wish to share her heartache. What is your suggestion now? So, unless someone at this show miraculously became God, or you are willing to finance all of the 12.5 % of the population who is struggling with infertility regardless of THEIR choice, IVF, IUI, adoption, etc, then your idiotic suggestion of a show isn't going to help."


Although, this may make me sound like one of those "crazy infertiles" this show is directed too, I feel a bit better.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

I need help...

Can someone please inform me what is the significance of putting "." in the middle of words is? I must confess I have absolutely no clue why this is done...is this a blogging thing I should be aware of? Here are a few examples of those I do and don't understand:

1.) res.pira.tory ther.a.pist (Tammy, I'm not picking on you this was just the last one I noticed): I don't understand why the "." is there....is this writer preference? is it making a statement I don't know about?

2.) Chris.mas: This one I sort of understand and interpret it as the same meaning as xmas, where as some people prefer to leave the whole word "christ" out so the "." replaces the "t"....am I right on that?

3.) Every.Single.Moment :This one I understand completely because the "." is at the end of an entire word where the author wants the whole world to be emphasized on it's own. That's cool, I get that, hell I just used my own example of something I've written.

However, sometimes I just don't understand the ".". Can someone enlighten me? =)

Right on schedule

So, we BD'd last night....and it was good. I actually had a bit of EWCM yesterday so maybe that helped =) I'm getting excited now (although the potential leaving the house at 6 AM Sat doesn't make me too happy).

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Just step away....

and that is what I am going to do for a moment.....step away from TTC thoughts because they are making my head hurt, so I can announce that I officially withdrew from my Master's program today. After a few months of debating about what to do, I finally did it. Once I actually got into this whole online thing I realized it isn't the way I want to learn (and actually I'm not sure I am learning as well). Plus, I'm not 100% sure this is what I want to do. Science is my passion, and always will be.....I will figure it out eventually. Maybe I can have twins and be a SAHM who goes back to finish her degree between feeds ;-)

My crack clinic

I think I have figured out why everyone at my ob/gyn's office is so happy....surely some of them are on crack. Turns out I am not getting ready to pop like previously thought, and the first ultrasound lady, although very sweet and impressive, didn't quite know what she was talking about...haha, it figures. My final consensus is like so:

Righty: all under 13.2mm....no freaking big deal, unless one gets some miracle grow between now and Friday and pops out a little surprise which is highly unlikely.

Lefty: Three or four(one was really hidden, but the doc thought it looked around that size in certain views) between 18mm and 19mm....there we go...that's the money shot.

Oh, and my lining is 10.4....yay!

So, I am happy and a little sad about these final results. One, I am happy because this means we can actually do the IUI since I decided before walking in there if it really was 5 then I was canceling. Next, I am actually a bit disappointed they are all on the left side (wow, could I be more picky, haha). My left side is so screwy with it's twists and turns, and I just like options on both sides for sperm, but all in all that doesn't really matter right?

I am also happy to say that my whole appt....u/s (which was really long btw), waiting and seeing the doc (who is very nice....oh, and pregnant) was an hour....definitely a reasonable amount of time. Oh, I also found out another thing about Dr. JA today....apparently most of the doctors in this practice refer their infertility patients to Dr. W instead even though it's 2 hours away. That says a lot of his practice if the ob/gyn's one block away don't want his patients to go there. Dr. M, who I saw today said she really likes Dr. W because he looks at each patient as individuals instead of putting everyone on the same get pregnant plan (like Dr. JA does). Lastly I thoroughly confused the nurse today because when she took me back to the room she goes..."well, I am going to let you keep your clothes on until after you meet Dr. M since this is your first time with her" Um, excuse me....I've already had my love wand time so thanks but no thanks. Finally we figure out that in my chart, the way it was written, implies I was there for an OB sonogram because I was on clomid and got pregnant. Not yet lady, but thanks for the optimism check back a few weeks ;-)

***update: Just talked to my Dr.'s Nurse. He wants to give those three follies one more day to grow, so we will BD tonight, trigger tomorrow night, and then the IUI Saturday morning. Wow....IUI on cd 17....I think that's a record for me...what in the world is my body doing this time around?

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

To my babies....

Oh little ones, mommy was going to wait to write this, but thought it was too important to put off because she has been thinking about you. We would have been 19w1d today, did you know that? I am certain with two of you in there I would be able to feel you playing together by now...that thought makes me smile. You make me smile. You made mommy and daddy so happy, but unfortunately you couldn't stay and I did mourn for you (I still am), but I need you to know I am still trying to become a mommy again. You were brought into this world through fertility treatments, and that is what we (mommy and daddy) are doing again. I go in on Saturday, and I hope to walk out pregnant again. I know you will never have a chance to understand any of this, but mommy feels like she needed to talk to you before any of it takes place.

My sweet babies, you need to know you were so loved and you can never be replaced. There is a place in my heart for you under lock and key that no sibling can enter in to. You are not mommy and daddy's forgotten children....you were our first, you were our hope, and you were our light at the end of a long tunnel. If it weren't for you letting me see what true happiness lies ahead I may not be trying so hard to bring a new baby home. Please notice I did not say real baby, because you were very real. In the past 2 and half years, you have been my greatest joy and my greatest sorrow, and we loved you from the second we knew of your existence. You never heard me, but I talked to you every day and so did daddy....you were our children. From day one, you were precious miracles.....you still are. I would have done anything to save you, but instead you saved me. Thank you for everything you gave me, and I hope you understand my need to love that deeply and selflessly again...it is not to replace you, it is to never forget you. I know I will see you again one day, but until then...go play my children....live free.

Love,
Your Forever Mommy

IUI curiosity....

I am curious now....After talking to a few people about their protocol, what is the average time distance between your trigger shot and IUI? For me, I did 24 hours for the first two and then 36 for the last.

What is "normal" for you and/or your RE's preference?

My brain is spinning in circles....

Or maybe it's flat-lined....I'm not sure which yet =/ So, my doc finally got my results from my clinic this morning and he wants me to have another u/s tomorrow morning with a trigger tomorrow evening and IUI Friday morning. Now, if my follies grow about 1 mm per day that puts me at:

Righty: 20mm, 19mm and 18mm at trigger and 22ish mm, 21ish mm, and 20ish mm at time of release

Lefty: 2 @ 19mm at trigger and 21ish mm at release

Good, yes? I know it is....I am just so stressed out this cycle it isn't funny. The two clinics thing is hard because every time I try and schedule an u/s at my clinic here I have to explain everything all over again, and it usually goes like this:

Me: "Hi, my name is Katie Major and I need to make a mid-cycle u/s appt. tomorrow"

Lady: "Which doctor ordered it?"

Me: "Well, I am a patient of Dr. K's, but am supposed to be seeing Dr. M in her absence, however yesterday I saw Dr.C for the same thing, but technically the u/s's are being ordered by Dr. W up at (insert clinic here)"

Lady: "Oh, um, ok, let me put you back to u/s to see what they can do"

Me: Sure....and then it starts all over again with the u/s person who happens to answer the phone. It also usually results in them telling me they don't have an appt available and then me telling them that well, these have to be done on certain days of my cycle because it is for an IUI timing etc, etc, and I can't help what day of the week cd14 falls on.

I have made at least 5 phone calls like this since last Thursday. Not to mention the calls to my other clinic to let them know what is going on, when my appts are, etc......see how this can be very tiring? Thank God he didn't want blood work!

Also I think I am nervous because this is the first real cycle (and an IUI at that) post m/c. Holds a bit higher expectation, yes? At least in my heart it does, and not to mention the fact I have never had this many "potentials" so that makes me nervous all in itself....worried it won't work and me wondering what the hell went wrong....was it the timing, the BD schedule, etc, etc (although I know in my head statistically there is a greater chance of this NOT working).....worried if it does work and I have to start worrying about pregnancy again...and then lastly wondering how well it will work if it does.

Plus, I am a bit upset about the fact we BD'd so much thinking I was closer to O than I really am. I mean that was three nights of unenjoyable, almost hurtful, just get it over with sex. Then I ask my nurse if we need to BD tonight (sad when you have to ask a medical professional that isn't it?) and she tells me to abstain since we BD'd last night that 48 hours would be enough for the IUI. Then I point out that by Friday it would have been over 72 hours since the last BD session...then she sounds sort of flustered and goes well, I think you are fine. In my head I am going "fine to what...fine to BD (not that I want too, but I will)....or fine to not BD" I didn't actually ask her, but that answer was a bit ambiguous, do you agree? On my last IUI DH and I BD'd the morning of cd12 and the IUI was the morning of cd14....right at 48 hours and everything was fine.....I guess it just depends on if he initiates it tonight because I won't, but I will go with his flow because it wouldn't hurt the IUI to BD if he *wants* too, which honestly I am guessing not.

Good lord, after reading over this it really sounds like I vomited out what was going on without any coherence at all. Actually, that's how it plays out in my head so maybe this portrait is accurate ;-)

The good things about yesterday....

Even though my appt. yesterday went crazy with the waiting and the fax confusion, I still love my docs office and here is why:

Number one....the u/s tech yesterday: Although I've had numerous u/s there I have never seen this exact tech, but when she took me back she goes "wow, you must be getting tired of all of these things" and I respond back that I'm an old pro at this stuff, especially since the m/c a few months back. Then she goes (and this is the kicker) "yeah, I know I read that in your chart, I'm so sorry, how long have you been trying?" Holy Cow! This lady actually took the time to look back at my chart, and decide who she was dealing with. Although you would expect this to be the normal practice everywhere, unfortunately it isn't, so I was actually amazed. Then when we get into the room she makes a joke like "well, you know the drill" and I go, "yup, I dream for the day I actually see a doctor and don't take off my pants." She laughed and then a few minutes later we started everything. Then while she was doing the actual scan she was talking to me about my protocol and showing me my follicles. We talked about how I responded a bit different, but everything looked great and she said it appears as if I have four pretty good potentials. Then I told her that was good because anymore than that and I would probably end up canceling. She just hugged me and smiled after that (yes, I'm still half naked for those who are wondering) and wished me good luck.

Number two...... The patients: I know this seems as a bit of a surprise to you because obviously the majority of the patients there are pregnant, which is normally an emotionally hard thing to deal with, but everyone at this clinic is so extremely nice and polite and they seem to read other patients really well. For example, when I was upset after finding out about my m/c I noticed other patients look at me very saddened, and although they didn't know exactly what was wrong because I wasn't obviously pregnant...they just knew things weren't right and were very respectful. In fact, when I got into the checkout line that first day I started bawling on Thomas' shoulder and everyone let me in front of them so I could get out of there faster. Now, I am pretty sure this caliber of patient has to do with the quality of clinic I go to. It is one of the nicer clinics in town, and you will rarely see a "young, unwed mother" there.

Number three....the nurse/doctor staff: I know I have previously mentioned how much I love my assigned nurse/doc combo there so I won't go into that; however I had someone new yesterday and found they were just as wonderful. Once I told the nurse the urgency of my fax she got right on it....boom. Next thing you know bubbly Dr. C walks in the room, just to check on me. She was all excited about my follicles and upcoming IUI, and although she was slammed that day...she was still happy and going strong. Someone I had never met before was wishing me good luck, and hoping to see me back there pregnant very soon.

So, even with the jumble of yesterday....I still have a wonderful ob/gyn clinic....maybe it was the gift basket I sent for Christmas ;-)

Monday, January 7, 2008

Holy Cow....btw, this is a long one

I'm not sure what else to call this post because my day since 2:45 has been a bit surreal....but here it goes:

I went to my u/s right on time.....they took me back and I was finished with tech (who was wonderful by the way) a little after 3:00. She said all the doc had to do was sign off on it and they could fax it up to my other Dr. to see about when the trigger/IUI was going to be. Sure, no problem, I had plenty of time until 5:00. So I start to wait.....and I wait, and I wait some more. Around 4:00 I am starting to get nervous about getting my u/s to my doc in time, but the nurse kept saying "I will be right with you". So, in order to let Dr. W's office know about my u/s today I called them to tell them to start looking for my fax. Which, btw, I found out Dr. W's nurse had called this office looking for my results a little after 3:00 so she knew they were here. Finally at 4:20 the nurse called my name, and takes me back to the room....15 minutes after that...no doc, and it is now 4:35. So, I am stressing out about getting my results upstate and go find the nurse to ask if she knows how long it would because my results needed to be faxed by 4:45. She looks at me and surprisingly goes "oh goodness, I will let Dr. C (the doc I was seeing in lieu of mine) know" She acts like she had no idea about getting my results faxed....did she just forget? who knows...Anyways, at 4:45 Dr. C pokes her head in my room(literally, she didn't actually walk into the room), and here is our conversation:

Her: Hi Mrs. Major, I have one more patient before you so it will be about 20 minutes, but I went ahead and had the nurse fax your u/s results up to Dr. W.

Me: Oh, thanks....I was getting worried about them being faxed before five.

Here: Oh yeah, everything looks great. You have a few potentials and a few more days will do it. Did you need anything from us today?

Me: Just to get the u/s results up to Dr. W in time

Her: Oh, so you really don't need to see me at all, you just needed those results sent.

Me: Yup, pretty much.

Her: Well then, you can go ahead and go, you really didn't need to see a doc today right?

Me: That about sums it up

Her: Well, best of luck, I'm really excited for you and I hope to see you back soon....Good bye!

Um....this is the part where I leave the office a bit dumbfounded because I waited over an hour and half to get told I didn't need to see anyone after all. Now, maybe I should have spoken up sooner about what I needed to get done that day, but silly me assumed the nurse already knew since I told everyone when I made the appt they needed to get these results faxed off SAME DAY...before five. So as I'm leaving the office I hear the fax machine going so as soon as I get out the door I call Dr. W's office to see if they got the results (it's about 7 minutes til 5 at this point). The lady on the phone said they didn't have them yet but someone just called from Dr. C's office to verify the fax number and they are waiting. I tell the lady to have Dr. W or his nurse call my cell phone if there is any problems. So, I leave work at 5:15 and hadn't heard from my doc, but low and behold I get home and see a message from them (so much for the cell phone thing, but anyways). Here is what it said:

"Hi Katie, this is G from Dr. W's office. I am just calling to tell you we finally received the fax from Dr. C's office about 5 minutes ago, but it was completely blacked out and since it was after hours we couldn't call and tell them to redo it. Unfortunately I don't have any results to give you (I'm guessing she didn't know I already knew my follie size but I will get to that in a minute) so I guess just go ahead and have intercourse tonight (yes, she actually said that) and hopefully we can get those u/s results tomorrow and we can talk about this little cycle snag"

Seriously, you have got to kidding me.....a blank fax?!?! I mean, I already knew my results and in all honesty it doesn't really matter if they saw the results tonight or tomorrow morning but still....couldn't have plan that worse if I tried. So, I am going to call Dr. C's office and tell them the fax didn't go through and then call Dr. W's nurse and see if we can get my IUI planned.

Now, onto my actual results from the u/s. Although they aren't as big as last time at this point in my cycle, I have more potentials. I have 2 on my right (possibly 3) and 2 on my left. The right ones are measuring 18, 17, and 16 where as the lefty's are both measuring 17mm. I am right on the cusp of having too many eggs....but we definitely have 4 good potentials which need a day or two more to grow. Unless my doc says otherwise, I will go through with 4. I will NOT reduce any of my babies even if all four implant, so you can see why any more than that and it would be a no go. So......that's that....thursday IUI here I come.

Next, I need to talk about my drive home. I am already stressing out over my aforementioned appointment, and as I am driving home I look to my right and see a body laying in the woods. So me, being the good citizen I am turn around to make sure everything is ok (I mean, he/she could have been dead for all I know). So I go back to the gentlemen and as it turns out he is just really drunk (and mildly MR). I ask if he was OK, and if wanted me to call anyone. He says his mother (sidenote: he is about 55 years old) and gives me her number. So, I get on my cell phone and call his mom who says she can't come get him because she doesn't have a car. Oh, and she asked if he was drunk (hmm, must be common for him). I tell him she can't come get him, and honest to god I sat there and talked to that man for 30 minutes.....just making sure he really was OK, seeing if there was anyone else he wanted me to call, offering to get (not give, I'm kind, not stupid) him a ride to the shelter, etc, etc. He said he was fine, and since he wasn't in any direct harm, I left him. I drove around for a few minutes looking for a police officer at a strip mall nearby, but didn't find one and just went home. At least I tried....I couldn't force the man to go get shelter (luckily we are having a heat spell here) and he wasn't in need of food...::sigh:: can't save them all.

So yes, that was 3 hours of my life.....honestly, I couldn't make this stuff up!

A day of new beginnings

It is supposed to be 70 degrees and sunny today...apparently the weather didn't get the memo it was January, but none the less it does provide a nice break in winter weather, and better yet almost gives me a sense of refreshment today. I feel refreshed....from what I'm not sure, but either way it's a good feeling. I don't think it can be considered a newfound hope for this IUI, but for the first time in a long time I feel OK about starting over. Although I will admit last night when DH and I were BDing it crossed my mind how much it sucks to be doing this again....sex for conception. I know not everyone's purposeful BDing is boring, but ours sure is. Not to mention I feel like the Sahara because of the clomid...but oh well, we came (no pun intended), we did, we conquered.

Speaking of my IUI, I have my u/s today to check for follie growth. I am really hoping we have two good contenders, one on each side. My husband and I always joke that his sperm are confused once they get in there and always go the wrong direction....this way, no matter which way they turn they can meet up with an eggie and at least attempt to fertilize it =). If we do need another day of meds, they always give you about 50-75 extra IU's in those cartridges so I am good either way.

On another note, the new semester started for the students and I have been running around like crazy since thursday to prepare for them...so far so good! Also, I start my new class today for my M.S. I am hoping this quarter goes a bit more smoothly than the last one, and to ensure that I am only taking one class...thank goodness!

Quick funny story...I am listening to one of the professors teach A and P lab next door and they are talking about the endocrine system and discussing the function of hormones. Next thing I hear him say is oxytocin...which we all know is pronounced with a long O...as in oxy-TOE-cin....however he always pronounces it oxy-TAH-cin....like the word toxic....cracks me up!

Now, if you will excuse me...my planaria are trying to make an escape....

Friday, January 4, 2008

Panic Update...

OK, so I finally got in touch with my Doc's nurse and she looked over my last cycle with this protocol (apparently the reason cd13 was chosen is because the records for my last IUI weren't in order the day I saw him) and said if I was more comfortable doing the first u/s on cd12 that would be fine....and as I was typing this I made my appt for Monday at 2:45. I realize the difference between this appt and the one I had scheduled on Tuesday is only about 18 hours, but it makes me feel better to be seen on cd12 and not cd13 for the initial check. God bless the lady in u/s because the normal scheduler told me nothing was available. Yes I realize this could mean I still need to go back on cd13....although my guess is not because the size on cd12 can estimate the size on cd13, and yes I know this still means I may not get the trigger until cd13 just like it would have been with the u/s that day but it makes me feel better gosh darn it and it makes this "feeling" I had about it a little better! Honestly, I hate the fact I have developed anal-ality about this stuff.... Oh, and if my IUI is Wednesday DH isn't going to like that at all....it's his busiest day at work, but tough cookies if I could do it without ya I would. I'm pretty sure sperm isn't good after two hours in the car, haha.

Also, funny story....apparently the message I left Dr. W's nurse wasn't very clear because when she called me back she had to leave a message for me and she starts talking about how usually you need to wait 14-18 days past the trigger to test for pregnancy and if it is positive they will run betas every 2-3 days, etc, etc. When I called her back she thought I my question was pertaining to getting my cycle after the IUI, not telling the doc I was in my new cycle and will need the IUI....she was great though once she finally figured out what I meant, haha. I think I suck at leaving medical messages and getting my point across.

Lastly, if I need to do this again next cycle I am going to suck it up and drive the 2 hours for the u/s....maybe I will get lucky and it falls on a Saturday or Sunday. I really appreciate the offer Dr. Wonderful made to have my u/s here, but it's a bitch to try and make u/s appts especially since they must happen on certain days. I feel bad about NEEDING one on a specific cycle day in such an already very busy OB office.

Oh well....the damage is done so to speak, onward we go....

Talking through my panic attack....

So I am sitting at my desk today (surprisingly I DO have a lot to get done today) and I start getting some little ovary growing pains....makes sense, they are doing what they are supposed to be doing so I start thinking about my u/s and IUI and am starting to get a bit panicky. I am well aware there is probably no need to worry about this, but lets face it, it's what I do, and here's what is crossing my mind.

~I am using the EXACT same protocol as my last "successful" IUI: 100mg clomid cd3-7 and 75IU's of Follistim cd8-11.

~Now, on my last cycle I had my first (and ended up being only) u/s on cd11 in which I already had a 20mm follie on one side and a 14mm on the other. One was definitely mature and I will admit the other may have benefited from more growing time. But, if you think about this, since I didn't O until cd14 those follies could have potentially grew to 24mm and 18mm by the time they released (which obviously if you know my history, both did).

~Subsequently my trigger shot was done late night on cd12 with an IUI on early cd14.

~My first u/s for this cycle isn't even until cd13...two days later than "normal" for me. So if I have my u/s, I can get my trigger that evening and have my IUI the morning of cd15 at the earliest.

Now, after saying all of that I know in the long run a day doesn't make that much of a difference (or you can argue that a day does make a difference when dealing with O), but all of the sudden I feel like that is too late for me. I have had an IUI on cd15 before, but I was only on 50mg of clomid, not 100, and there was no FSH involved....so it would make sense if my egg wasn't quite ready on cd14. Also, I should have mentioned that my first IUI was on cd13, which I believe was too early and I didn't O until the next day (essentially being too late since washed sperm don't last as long), and I have come to learn I consistently O about 36 hours post trigger, not 24 like my first IUI protocol.

I think this is all about trust and control for me though. I love my new RE, I really do and I KNOW he is different than my last one, but given my history I am finding it a bit hard to trust my doc in this position because with Dr. JA he never listened to me, but I always ended up being right...about my IUI timing, about my response to the meds, about my m/c...the list can go on and on. Him trying to control me and my body without listening to what I had to say caused me a lot of heartache....and that is hard to get over. Again, I need to reiterate that I do love my new doc...by all first impressions I get a sense he really cares about me getting pregnant, not just for this success rates, but because I am a person, and his patient. So in my head I know he knows what he is going, and I need to give him a chance without prejudice...even if it means him learning about my body from failed cycles.

Lastly, it just crossed my mind that I'm not sure if my insurance will cover my mid-cycle u/s if it's not done at my actual infertility clinic...crap...oh well, not much I can do about it now huh? Oh and, I did call my doc to let him know where I was in my cycle, and I am going to asked about maybe getting my first u/s on cd12 instead of 13 and about the IUI timing in both cases....so I may have an update about all of this later today once his nurse calls me back.

Oh, and no one really needs to comment unless they want to...this post was really just me rambling and typing out what I was thinking...it makes me feel better =)

Ah, that familiar burn...

No, not THAT familiar burn...no UTI or YI here...just the simple pinprick of Follistim. Follistim always burns a little about 5 minutes after I inject it. It's not the needle or the alcohol, it's the actual medication that burns just slightly after it goes in. Does anyone else get this? I for one am actually relieved to get this burning because it is verification the medication actually went in like it was supposed to, and there wasn't some sort of crazy malfunctioning with the pen or needle or meds (although those Follistim AQ pens are pretty much idiot proof, but still). When you really think about it, an IU unit is VERY small so at 75IU's I am only injecting a few drops of my own personal liquid gold (hopefully) so validation of it's existance is always appreciated. Yes, I like that burn...it gives me just a little bit of satisfaction... and yeah, I know, I'm a bit crazy like that....

Thursday, January 3, 2008

I think I really hate Facebook

As everyone knows, Facebook is a place to keep in touch with friends you graduated with/went to school with/go to school with, and I think I hate it. First all, I have come to realize that I still keep in touch (regardless of the internet) with the friends I was closest to, and keeping up with other acquaintances sometimes boarders on just being nosy about their life and checking up on the way they have changed or not. I think a lot of this is self-validation....to know you look better than the girl who thought she was top shit ...petty yes, I know-oh well....or to see if people fulfilled their dreams or potential.

However, this can also go both ways.....maybe you see that YOU are the one lagging behind per se in life and THAT is why I hate it the most. See, this has happened to me over the past few months because I have come to realize how many people I graduated with are either A-glowingly pregnant or B-already have children. Seeing this phenomena literally makes my stomach turn sometimes...which btw I have always found it interesting that an emotional response can trigger a physical reaction.... but anyways. Not to mention this fact makes me nervous about my upcoming IUI....no clue why, I'm used to this crap by now...but damn you IF!!!

Who the hell hears of a 20 year old (that's how old I was when we started trying and I turn 23 in three weeks) that is infertile....infertile without explanation at that....which, btw should be considered an oxymoron. Seriously....an early 20 something chick with no reproductive problems and a husband with good sperm who takes over two years to get KU'd.....W.T.H. Now in saying this I am no way implying that if I was older IF would be "normal" because IF is never normal, or fair for that matter....I am just talking about how you almost never hear of "young" people with IF for no reason, and the barrage of preggo's and mommies on Facebook proves my point. Every time I get the new pictures or updates I think I am prepared to look....I'm not.....

I think I need to put my account on hold.

**afterthought: Maybe the fact you don't see as many "young" infertiles is the fact that a lot of younger adults haven't been trying to TTC. "They" (one day I want to be a part of the illustrious they, haha) say that the age of motherhood various between generations and usually bounces back and forth to older verses younger. Maybe the majority of the ladies TTCing right now are a part of the generation who waited to start a family, and now the pendulum is swinging back in the other direction and young adults are trying to start this process earlier. As a result, we may see a lot more young adult IFer's out there in the next upcoming years....just a thought.

Birthdays and other stuff.....

I got my mid-cycle u/s scheduled today, which will be at my normal OB's office and not the RE's to save the 4 hour round trip up there, and ordered my trigger. I hope I still have needles for that because they didn't send any...oh well, I have some at work I can get if I need. I start my injects tonight, u/s on Tuesday, and based on past results an IUI next Thursday (I'm pretty sure I've already said this on here, but oh well). One week from today I may be on my way to preggo-ness again...ack!

My Mom's birthday is tomorrow, which means mine is in 19 days....oh, and I can test then too...complete double ack!

Lastly...my feet are frozen...damn office.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

And lefty is stepping up to the plate

At least I *think* she is. My last medicated cycle I thought lefty was going to be dominate because of my twinges but sure enough righty sprouted a 20mm follie at cd12, and a 14mm follie lagging behind on the left. I actually prefer my eggs to be on the right so I'm hoping it works out like it did last time with at least one on each side.

Why you ask? Other than the obvious hope of having more than one eggie, or targets as my RE likes to refer to them as, if you check back on this post you will be reminded of the anatomical weirdness of my left side AND even my HSG results back in Sept. 2006 showed (although both sides spilled) a funny turning left tube. Maybe I just feel them more on the left because of my ovary positioning....it's a thought.

Either way, GROW FOLLIES GROW!!! =)

Living or Dealing?

Isn't it funny how IF just becomes part of your life and integrates itself into everything you do, however just as oddly I have found that this CAN be a good thing. Somewhere down this road I transitioned from "a person dealing/coping with IF" to "a person living with IF". I much definitely prefer the latter because although yes, both options suck, living with IF means it is just a part of who I am. It's not something I think about or worry about constantly, it's something I just do...without thinking, without hesitation.

On the other side of this, maybe that means I am less hopeful (hell, who am I kidding of course I have less-although not completely void of-hope) because realism of will probably happen eases the hurt (just a little) when it actually does. Think about it, when does a person in the TTC/IF world have the most hope? My obvious answer here is when a new protocol is started....that first medicated cycle, the first transition from timed BDing to an IUI, going from oral meds to injects, the first round of IVF. All these events in the IF journey bring hope because THIS round is different, THIS round gives me better odds, THIS round will work....and then, when does an IFer feel hurt the most? When these new milestones fail as well because a newfound, renewed hope was lost again, and not only are you dealing with the grief over a maybe baby but you must also come to terms with the fact the new method didn't work either.It always hurts the worse to fall from the highest branch.

So in lieu of this, maybe, just maybe Im hoping if I chose to live with IF instead of just dealing with it, it won't sting as bad. But, more importantly it won't define who I am...it just becomes a part of who I am, and that person is confident, strong, and yes, even cautiously optimistic at times. So, are you living or dealing?