This is why I suck

So, as most of you know I just dropped out of my MS in counseling because I decided it wasn't what I really wanted to do. I originally entered into this program with the intents of becoming an infertility counselor. In my head, this made perfect sense: I understood the emotional issues that came with infertility AND I wanted to help people. However, I discovered that I will probably suck at it, and here's why:

First, let me start off by saying that it actually has nothing to do with the fact I am going through infertility myself. On the contrary I believe that people who have been though infertility can make wonderful counselors on the subject, and that was one aspect of my counseling that I felt the most comfortable with. I felt it gave me a deeper understanding of my client, and allowed me to have empathy for their situation creating a better relationship. However, MY issue comes into play because I understand the medical side of it as well AND I tend to analyze it (as obvious in my recent posts and pretty apparent to those who actually know me too). So, when I get into a situation when I feel I can't help a person feel better(or in other words, helpless) I fall back on my nature to want to fix the issue or find a reason for it. Sometimes people don't want things to be fixed (well, they want the issue fixed, yes) but that is not the reason they are seeking this specific help or comfort. Sometimes things just suck and there is no logical reason for it. I of all people understand this, but again...it's what I fall back on...I'm a fixer.

Secondly, throughout the short time I was studying counseling and the techniques that go along with it I found myself applying "strategy" to people going through IF too when they sought me out. The one thing that was supposed to help me understand how to make things better actually made me more distant in my support because I believe I was subconsciously trying to be professional about it. It almost felt like practice, and I failed terribly (also going back to reason one). Having this "professionalism" to fall back on was almost self preservation of some sorts because it allowed me to distance myself from the hurt (including my own). For example, except for a select few, I could say "I'm sorry" and even though I meant it every time, I didn't *feel* it, make sense? Although I think it did help me a bit and it gave me an interesting prospective, I didn't like how it was helping so it wasn't really worth it.

So thats it, I admittedly suck for the moment....but it's a damn good thing I figured this out now huh? ;-)