Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Living or Dealing?

Isn't it funny how IF just becomes part of your life and integrates itself into everything you do, however just as oddly I have found that this CAN be a good thing. Somewhere down this road I transitioned from "a person dealing/coping with IF" to "a person living with IF". I much definitely prefer the latter because although yes, both options suck, living with IF means it is just a part of who I am. It's not something I think about or worry about constantly, it's something I just do...without thinking, without hesitation.

On the other side of this, maybe that means I am less hopeful (hell, who am I kidding of course I have less-although not completely void of-hope) because realism of will probably happen eases the hurt (just a little) when it actually does. Think about it, when does a person in the TTC/IF world have the most hope? My obvious answer here is when a new protocol is started....that first medicated cycle, the first transition from timed BDing to an IUI, going from oral meds to injects, the first round of IVF. All these events in the IF journey bring hope because THIS round is different, THIS round gives me better odds, THIS round will work....and then, when does an IFer feel hurt the most? When these new milestones fail as well because a newfound, renewed hope was lost again, and not only are you dealing with the grief over a maybe baby but you must also come to terms with the fact the new method didn't work either.It always hurts the worse to fall from the highest branch.

So in lieu of this, maybe, just maybe Im hoping if I chose to live with IF instead of just dealing with it, it won't sting as bad. But, more importantly it won't define who I am...it just becomes a part of who I am, and that person is confident, strong, and yes, even cautiously optimistic at times. So, are you living or dealing?

2 comments:

nancy said...

I've been living with it for a long time. Cause even when I 'beat' IF, I was still living with it, just not dealing with it.

Jewels said...

Although I don't consider my self IF (yet). I am just dealing with "maybe baby? No Baby?".
I like your post, It gives me hope that some day I can come to live with it rather than Deal with it.