Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Happy Halloween!!!

Today I'm dressed as a cross between a naughty librarian and a 1950's desperate's pretty sweet and I'm looking pretty damn hot if I do say so myself, haha. Maybe I can entice DH for some nookie tonight....preferably before the trick-or-treat madness! =P

Sunday, October 28, 2007

I'm losing weight...

I got on the scale this morning...119.6...Holy Crap! The day before I found out I was pregnant I was 122.5 at my doc's office, two weeks later I was 120.7, and now, two weeks after that I'm 119.6. Now here is why this seems a bit odd for me: Number one, I realize that this isn't A LOT of weight however to lose one pound of fat, one must burn 3500 more calories than they eat....thats alot of calories and so far I've burned 10,500 more calories than I've eaten the past 4 weeks, Two: I realize I have been under a lot of stress lately with work, school and the m/c situation and that some people stop eating when they are stressed...yeah, NOT me! I'm very much a stress eater and tend to munch a lot when I have a lot of things going on and going back to point one, it doesn't make any sense I'm burning more than I eat when I feel like Im eating more than normal.

I do, however, have a theory about why I'm losing weight and I want to see if this makes sense to anyone else: My body still thinks I'm pregnant, and because I haven't actually started to m/c my hCG levels are still elevated enough to keep me that way. Now, pregnant women are reccomended to eat 300-500 calories more a day than "normal" to help nurish the embie, keep good blood flow, etc, etc. Now although I know I dont have a baby in my uterus, my body has no idea because it is getting a hormonal signal that such baby exists. In turn, my metabolism is still slightly kicked up because my body *thinks* I need to support the existance in my uterus. However, I am not purposely eating more than "normal" because I don't need to as there is nothing there so I am losing those extra 300-500 calories a day without trying. Does this make sense to anyone else or do I overthink things way too much? LoL


Friday, October 26, 2007

When it rains, it pours....

Eh, surprisingly enough I am actually talking about the weather here. For those who don't know, I live in Virginia and we (like many other states) have gone through the hottest, driest summer on record, which apparently leaked into fall because up until now it has still be hot and dry. Three days ago, it started raining....yay, we desperately needed it! However, it is still raining as of this morning, and according to the weather it isn't going to stop until this evening. Now, normally I like a little rain and better yet I LOVE thunderstorms, but see being stuck inside for three days with an extremely energetic boxer mix with no way to release that energy outside is not fun! Is this what it is like being stuck in the house with kids? LoL. My poor baby is pacing around the house with nothing to do and this pathetic bored look on her face. Between the breaks of heavy rain I try to let her outside to run around for a few minutes or at the very least go pee, but even this is quite a process because as much as she desperately wants to go outside, she HATES the rain a little bit more.

Oh well it will be over soon, thats all for now.... =)

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

My new Clinic and anatomical parts

Ok, so I got in touch with my new RE's office today since I refuse to step foot into Dr.Jackass' office again unless I am signing the release to transfer my records. The new place is two hours away, which means more time off work, but better care so in the end it's worth it. I was mainly concerned about the difference in cost compared to the local RE here. With my last IUI cycle including Follistim, Clomid, ultrasounds, and the IUI itself broke down as follows:

~Baseline co-pay: 30.00
~Clomid: 10.00 (go wal-mart!)
~Follistim+Trigger: 475.00
~Mid-cycle u/s co-pay: 30.00
~IUI: 196.00
~Total: 741.00....not too shabby in the IF world, so it didn't create TOO much of a dent.

Now, before I go into the new clinic pricing I must say this. According to the insurance lady there whom I just spoke with, because I am a new patient to Dr. "W" everything up until the IUI procedure will be billed diagnostically because that facility has never seen me before. AFTER the first IUI, everything will be out of pocket unless a different diagnosis other than infertility is discovered. This means that all my u/s and office visits for the first IUI is covered but if it doesn't work the first time around....I'm responsible for everything there after. So, in saying this, let's look at my first IUI round:

~Consult prior to cycle: 30.00
~Baseline u/s: 30.00
~Clomid: 10.00 (if doing combo cycle)
~Follistim+Trigger: around 1200.00 if I just do injects(maybe 1000 since I have 300IUs left over from before) or 500.00 for combo
~Mid-cycle u/s: 30.00
~Another u/s to check before IUI (I'm assuming this will be done): 30.00
~IUI(including lab fees for sperm washing, etc): 315.00
~ Total:950.00 (for combo)- 1635.00(for all injects)......hmm, thats a bigger dent, lol.

OK, now lets look at any following IUI's
~Baseline: 228.00
~Clomid: 10.00(if a combo cycle)
~Follistim: around 500.00 (1200.00 if just injects)
~Mid-cycle u/s: 228.00
~Another u/s check: 228.00
~IUI: 315.00
~Total: 1509.00(on combo cycle) - 2200.00 (all injects)

So, after my first IUI (if it doesn't work) Thomas and I have a lot to think about and I am highly considering taking out a loan for IVF because one or two IUI cycles ranging around 2000.00 equals about half of IVF, so why not go for the full sha-bang right?

This now leads me into my anatomical parts discussion. In the past 2 weeks with my OB I have learned more about my anatomical positioning than I learned in a year with Dr. Jackass. For instance, I have learned that my uterus tilts left, my left ovary is behind my uterus and most likely attached to it and my right ovary is retroverted(which means it faces my back basically). Now, Dr. Wonderful said this won't prevent me from getting pregnant (obviously) but it may hinder it and put me at a higher risk for ectopic. So, with all the financial aspects of my new clinic AND my newfound girlie parts information, I do believe IVF is in my future *if* my first IUI with Dr. W doesn't work. Sounds logical right?

The ongoing miscarriage

A little background info: as briefly mentioned in the fertility area to the right, I had an IUI done back on Sept. 10th which successfully got me pregnant. My beta numbers came back fine and my RE(who we will refer to as Dr. Jackass) scheduled an early u/s on Oct. 10; I would have been 6w1d. So, the awaited day arrives and Thomas and I are beyond excited and nervous as you can imagine. I knew at that gestation a fetal pole or heartbeat may not be seen and to not freak out about that, however as soon as my doc put in the probe and I saw my little empty sacs(yes, sacs, it was twins) I immediately knew something was wrong however Dr. Jackass goes along his merry way saying that there are twins and there are the two sacs, etc, etc. After the u/s he tells me to get dressed and for Thomas and I to meet him in his office. I get off the table and I'm scared; Thomas on the other hand is through the moon we are having twins. So we go back to Dr. Jackass' office, he hands me a picture of the ultrasound and goes "here's the first picture for the baby book". I will NEVER forget him saying that. Then he tells me to come back next week and we will check for a heartbeat, no problem, and tries to send me on my way. I stop him and question him about the sac size measurement, and tell him I believe they are too small for my gestation. He mumbles off something about there was really nothing to worry about at this stage, everything is fine, etc, and we leave.

Fast forward two days to that Friday. Even though I still "felt" pregnant I knew something was wrong, in my heart I knew this pregnancy wasn't right. I had been researching like crazy about sac size and measuring behind and no yolk sac at 6 weeks, things along that line and finally called my doctor back to get the EXACT measurement of the little sacs. The nurse nonchalantly read off Dr. Jackass' notes on my chart that indicated "2 intrauterine sacs measuring 3 and 4mm" (sidenote: for those who don't know, at 6w a gestational sac should measure anywhere from 14-25mm). My heart immediately sank to the floor and I left work right away to go see my OB, who luckily for me is right across the parking lot from my building. I spoke to a nurse and told her why I was there, that I was pretty sure my pregnancy isn't developing properly and my OB(who we will call Dr. Wonderful) took me back right away and got an u/s. After the u/s she pretty much verified what I already knew and said my sacs were measuring 2 weeks behind and this pregnancy wasn't now we wait for the inevitable.

OK, back to the present. Yesterday I had my 2 week f/u with Dr. Wonderful who pulls my beta and finds out they are still around 5,000(super low for my gestation, but higher than last week) so she gets me in for another u/s. My sac is still only measuring 5 weeks (I was supposed to be 8) with nothing in it (oh, and the little sac was completely gone). So I'm hoping that we have a plan of action for this appt. I am ready for this to be over....I want medication a D&C, something so I can move on and start to TTC again before the first of the year. So after reviewing all my chart info and looking at my u/s Dr. Wonderful decides it is best to wait it out. Are you kidding me?!?! I don't feel like my body is getting rid of this empty blob anytime soon because I still have pregnancy symptoms, my numbers although extremely low are still rising slowly and I haven't any cramping or spotting. Dr. Wonderful goes on to say that I am not a good candidate for a D&C because I'm only measuring 5 weeks and my body could easily pass such small tissue. She also says she doesn't want to give me meds yet because of some of the side effects, which I completely understand, but still it is very emotionally hard to keep holding on to this sac that is supposed to be growing my baby and it's not. Then she tells me to make an appt for 2 to 3 weeks from now to check up on things. So, I leave her office a little disappointed and sad nothing is final and my next appt is Nov. 12th....exactly 19 days from now. I would love to get it in earlier but she is completely booked the week of the 2 week we had to go 3 weeks from now. Which, the way I figure it, nothing is going to happen between now and then so that puts me probably miscarrying or at the end of it over Thanksgiving...which completely and totally sucks.

These last 2 weeks of knowing I am going to lose my baby, but not knowing when has been hell. I still have my pregnancy symptoms, and just get sad randomly when I think about everything that is going on. TTC 2WWs have NOTHING on the wait to miscarry. At least at the end of a 2WW if its a BFN I can handle that. Im sad for a day or two and then I move on and look toward the next new cycle. But this, THIS is terrible. Im waiting, and waiting, and waiting....and don't get to TTC again soon either. I can't believe I have to go through 3 more weeks of it. In my mind, that is just time wasted that I could be getting closer to TTC once more. Three more weeks of being "pregnant" but not really, and three more weeks of wondering if and when. Now, I will say that I have never been through an IVF 2WW(although I will be blogging more about that in a minute), but there are times in all of this that I wish I would have never conceived at all. I would of had my 2WW, gotten my typical BFN, sulked a bit, then moved on like normal and tried again. At least then I wouldn't have my dreams so close only to be ripped from my heart, and to sit around like an incubator with nothing to grow; and at least then I could have spent these last 2 months (three by the time I actually m/c and 4 by the time I am allowed to "try" again) TTCing. Alas, one cannot even attempt to get pregnant when their body thinks they already are.

Im not looking for sympathy here, however I do have one request. If you are a praying type of person, or even if you just want to think of me (and women like me in this situation), please pray (or hope) that I start to m/c on my own before this next appt. Pray that this will all be over soon and I can move on because I do still have a desire to TTC and sitting here doing NOTHING about ANYTHING is killing me (not to mention emotionally cruel and exhausting). Thanks!

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

"At least you know it can happen"

I'm sure anyone who has ever suffered through a loss (unfortunately I can't say mine is over yet, but still) has heard this exact statement. I first heard it from my doctor, then my mom, then both of my SIL's. Now, before going any further I will admit that I used to be one of "those" TTCers who secretly thought this occasionally for those who got their BFP and then returned to the world of TTC (as a side note, this was NEVER thought about in regards to an IFer). There were even times in the deep, dark spot of a crappy cycle that I thought "at least if that happens to me, I would know I could at least conceive in the first place."

Yeah I now know that statement is completely and utterly crazy! Who in the hell in their right mind would wish this upon themselves?!??! I have been on both sides of fence, and believe me I preferred the days when I was still wondering if I could conceive or not. Fear of the unknown is nothing like the fear of wondering if this will happen again *if* we ever conceive again. This is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done so far in my journey.

I don't blame those who make this statement because they don't "know" what it's truly like unless it happened to them, and honestly it does seem like the most appropriate thing to say in a time like this. I will even go as far as to say that I have said it to myself several times since this whole ordeal began, and it did offer some comfort.....but a word to the wise, coming from other people....this statement doesn't help (at least not when wounds are fresh). To me it's the same as telling someone going through secondary IF that they should be happy because they conceived before and have a healthy child, even when their heart is aching for another little one. Seems similar, yes? Anyways...just my ramblings for tonight.

P.S-This is in no way directed toward anyone specific. It was just something I was pondering after hearing this again from my doctor today and realizing how many times I've heard it in the past 2 weeks.

The Intro Blog

Ok, so I've been living in the world labeled "infertility" for over a year now, which means we have been trying for over two. I've always been a lurker on other infertility blogs, and found comfort in them, but never started my own....until now. I finally realize I need a place to vent, bitch, or laugh to keep from crying, and hope to help people in my shoes along the way. Enjoy!