Saturday, December 29, 2007
"French kissing stimulates the lips, tongue and mouth, which are all areas very sensitive to touch. It is considered by many to be both very pleasurable and highly intimate. Unlike other forms of "casual" kissing (such as brief kisses of greeting or friendship), episodes of French kissing will often be prolonged, intense, and passionate"
Oh, and I found another funny wiki website on how to do it here.
Anyways, back to my point. My husband HATES it. He shudders at the thought of his tongue touching mine...you would really think someone scratched a chalkboard the wrong way with the way he reacts just thinking about it. We have been together for 3.5 years, and for the first 2.5 of those he wouldn't even kiss me open mouthed. At least we have gotten that far, but if I even try to slip him a little tongue he physically backs away or tries to divert my attention. Now, don't get me wrong....I hate those sloppy, don't know what in the hell you are doing, all over my mouth type kisses, but gosh darn it, I miss good ol' fashion French kissing!!! I miss making out!!! Does everyone remember how freaking hot that was growing up? I know I do, but alas it is becoming a far, far, distant memory....::sigh:: what's a girl to do?
**clarification....when I said "I miss making out" I meant it as I miss making out as foreplay, not just the make-out session itself. ;)
Oh, and don't confuse my question of why it happen with how it happens. I understand the whole hormonal mechanism behind such various monthly symptoms....but even that doesn't explain the purpose of having to deal with the extras. I do believe it is an unanswerable question. So, in lieu of this....what is your crappiest AF extra?
Thursday, December 27, 2007
So, this is my 4th IUI overall, but my first IUI with the new doc who, and I quote, "wants us to start over with a clean slate with him". Fair enough...part of me likes this idea because there is no precedent, and in my head it takes some pressure off this IUI. Just because the last one worked I am well aware that means diddly squat about this one =/ But at the same time I need to mention the 4 because I have gone through this before, so I'm no newbie ;-)
Cheers....here's to a surprisingly hopeful first cycle of 2008!
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Trying to get a picture of me and all the nieces/nephew....too many cameras and the babies really just wanted to play with the toy in my lap, haha.
I ~puffy heart~ this picture SO much....it's a great one of Thomas and just makes me smile seeing him hold her.....
Thanks Auntie Katie...I like this!
The girls opening all their gifts....they always go first.
Taking a break from gifts =)
The big family portrait!!! From right to left: Kim (holding Cooper), Fred, Mom, the girls Carsen and Hannah in the front, Dad, Gwen (holding Elena), Jodie, Me and and Thomas.
All of our loot from my Mom's house....holy cow...next year, we draw names, lol
Thomas getting his surprise gift....the speaker he wanted
Ginger enjoying her stocking stuffers
My MIL on Christmas morning opening her new TV
Sunday, December 23, 2007
I was super shocked because one, DH usually isn't the best at gift giving (although I will admit this year he rocked, and not just for me), and two, because I have NEVER gotten jewelry from him before. He didn't even have an engagement ring when he proposed so this is a BIG deal. Isn't it pretty? I love it. It isn't one of those things I can wear everyday, but I will definitely wear it every time I get a chance.....like tomorrow night for example, at our family get together =)
Hey Mom...check out the ornaments!
Can I eat that Gingerbread man?
Better yet....are there any presents for me under there?
Lastly, here is the ornament we got to remember the twins actually on our tree. You can't see it in the picture, but my Mom went to Things Remembered and had a little metal tagged engraved with "Our Precious Angels 2007" on the back.
One without the glasses....and wow, really close up!
My husband's cheesy grin....and his new leather jacket I gave him!
Again, he's being a bit goofy, but he usually never let's me take his picture so I had to post both of them, lol.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Just as expected, she LOVED it!! She had Thomas and I cracking up outside around 8 this morning. She runs and slides, eats it, and chases snowballs and then gets confused when she can't find them again. Really, it was great and she has been begging to go back outside all morning. I recorded a video on my cell phone (note to self: get video camera before a baby) and will up load it as soon as I pull it off. It is just one of those things that make you smile, and was a wonderful way to start off my vacation =)
Oh, and PS, just to let you know how wacky our weather has been here this year....it is supposed to be 60 degrees on Sunday =/
Thursday, December 20, 2007
OK, here is my sad confession. I think I realized today that even though I am doing well with the m/c and super excited about moving on....hello 8dpo, come on AF and the meds begin ;-)....I am also still dealing, and I know this because I started crying in my car on the way home from work. Not sobbing crying, but a few tears definitely slid out. I was listening to that song "Laugh Until We Cried" by Jason Aldean and of course the last verse goes as such:
Just the other night the baby was cryin
So I got out of bed rocked her awhile and I held her tight
And I told her it would be all right
My mind went back to a few years ago
We tried so long, we almost gave up hope
And I remember you comin' in and tellin me the news
Oh man we were livin, goin crazy in the kitchen
We danced and screamed and held each other tight
We laughed until we cried
This song affects me in many ways. One, it of course has an overwhelming tone on infertility, which makes me sad for everyone (including myself) struggling with it.....why is it so hard sometimes? Why do you never hear of "bad" people having infertility? Secondly, again an obvious notion, but the end of the verse (and inherently the beginning) means they succeeded. It means finally getting that illustrious BFP. It sums up the emotions you feel right at that second when you and your spouse realize you are having a baby; it captures the moment perfectly. It seems silly now, but when I first got my solid, without a doubt BFP.....I laughed....I was feeling so much right then and there it all manifested and bubbled up as a laugh because I didn't know what else to do. So I did actually "laugh until I cried". I remember seeing DH's face when I verified it to him (I gave him a diaper bag and told him Happy Fathers Day-we were due June 3rd-and I told him he would need it by then)...he laughed, he cried, and so did I, he hugged me. I remember eating dinner (he stopped and got subs because that is what I really wanted) in disbelief....smiling and not even realizing it and not being able to prevent it. I couldn't have frowned if someone paid me. As cliche as it is, I was immediately glowing. At that moment, 2 years didn't matter, because in 9 months we would have a baby...in 9 short months, a whole new journey would begin....the journey we hoped for, the journey we prayed for...and as terrible as it is, the journey we paid for.....beautiful isn't it? Thirdly, I was crying because of all the women I know of who have never experienced that moment, those who want it so desperately...I wish I could bottle that moment and share it...just to give them more hope, to let them get a glimpse of what they are working towards when the rainclouds keep pouring, and the hurt in their heart is almost unbearable. Next, I cried for all of the countless women who had that moment, lived that moment, and then had it ripped away....replaced with the sadness of losing a baby. Lastly, I cried for myself....I cried for my babies, and I cried because THIS Christmas was supposed to different....this Christmas I should be 17 weeks pregnant....this time next year my babies would be 6 months old....But alas, this Christmas is exactly like last Christmas, and the one before that....and I'm really hoping next Christmas won't be the same.
Although, even through all of that I am actually very optimistic about my first cycle with the new Doc...is it selfish of me to hope it only takes one more time? I guess that is what we all wish huh.....maybe THIS time.
~Also, today is my last day of work until Jan. 2nd, and I could not be more thankful. I haven't had a vacation in two years and taking this week off is mandatory with the college, I get paid, AND I don't have to use my PTO...Rock On! However I did walk into a potential severe budget crisis (which, btw is not my job but somehow got put on me in the recent months), that was thankfully avoided although the outcome still isn't "fair" for my department. Oh well, what can I say...we aren't exactly a well-oiled machine sometimes, but we survive. It's a good thing I have a few co-workers who can laugh at all the "crap" with me most of the time....it keeps us sane, haha.
~On another note, I sent my OB/GYN an edible arrangement this week just to say "Thanks!" for all she did, and better yet, actually caring for me as a patient. I hope she likes it....they are super yummy!
~My husband turns 33 on Christmas Eve, and we are going out to dinner tomorrow. This means that I will be 23 next month (we are almost exactly 10 years apart), which is a nice age I imagine, however we started trying when I was 20....how much does that suck huh? I really would like to have two kids by the time he turns 40, guess we will see how that pans out.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Now, disclaimer aside, lets move on. Last night I was doing my usual blog bouncing. I started with one person's blog, saw a comment from someone and went to their blog, and so on and so on. Somewhere in all of my lurking I stumbled into the blog world of 2nd trimester losses.....and worse yet, recurring ones. I have never seen such sadness seeping out onto a computer, and my heart ached for every single one of those women.....and last night I prayed for them and felt the need to say thank you to MY higher power, and here is what I am thankful for....
~Thank you for my house. Although it is not ideally what I want and there are many things I hope to change in the future, it is mine, I own it, and it is home. Something that so many people cannot say. My house protects me from cold, blustery winter nights like last night, it provides coolness in the heat of summer, running water, and a safe haven to run to at the end of the day.
~Thank you for my job. Although there are times when I want to be doing *more* with my life, this job (and my husbands) pays the bills, puts food on the table, pays for the above mentioned house, and is even gracious enough for us to live comfortably.
~Thank you for my family (and friends) who provide much needed friendship and support
~Thank you for my dog, who annoys me sometimes in her disobedient puppy ways, but in her presence brings laughter, comfort, and a feeling of security at night.
~Lastly, thank you for my fertility journey. Although it HAS been hard, and at times I didn't understand why things happen they way they did and I have seen my share of tears; thank you for letting me still have hope. Thank you for not making it SO hard and filled with tragedy I am defeated by my own accord. I curse when my hope fails me (as it often does) but the point is, I am still able to let myself have it and THAT is what matters.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
1.) I have Cystic Fibrosis
2.) I have sex dreams on a regular basis (dream orgasms are always better than real ones, lol)
3.) Even though I am married, I still get crushes on other people...part of me thinks thats normal.
4.) I have an obsession with the LOGO channel and shows like Queer as Folk, Exes and Ohs, and Rick and Steve: The happiest gay couple in the all the world.
5.) When I was nine, my parents filed for bankruptcy and I had to move away from the only house I knew and loved....my very own 11 acre paradise.
6.) I was a vegetarian for 2 years in HS.
7.) I really want a boob job.
OK, so there are my random things....I know I need to nominate 7 other people for this list, but I really don't know that many bloggers yet....Ack!....check back later for my list, haha.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
First, let me say that I really dislike pubic hair. For as long as I can remember (actually it's funny because I couldn't tell you the exact moment I found my first pube) I have been trimming and grooming the lady hair. However, for the past 3 years I have preferred the more bald look, and usually take a razor to it twice a week. You know, you would think I would have jumped on the waxing train at this point but I have yet to make that leap of faith. Anyways, although I am always very clean in that department I usually take ~extra~ care with the nooks and cranies if if is a special night and I am getting some well needed lovn'. Well, last night was one of those nights (or so I thought).
Thomas and I went to Dickens of Christmas downtown last night. This is a holiday tradition in our city in which the market is bustling with venders, downtown is decorated in it's holiday attire, carolers walk the streets, yummy winter foods are being sold, and then there is a big holiday parade. It's all about the atmosphere really, and I love it! So, as all of you know Thomas and I have been abstaining from sex (we both hate condoms) in order to NOT try this cycle. It has been a long time since our last FD session because we didn't know if i would O normally or not. So, about 4 or 5 days ago I FINALLY ovulated (based on temps) and I told Thomas we were good to go. My silly self thought her husband (who hasn't had sex in two weeks) would certainly want to get it on after the festivities so I get myself all groomed in the appropriate places, and am actually very excited for a night of good (and did I mention much needed) sex.
All in all, Thomas and I had a really good time downtown. He had never been before, and I was happy to get to go again. When we got back home, we grabbed a quick bite to eat and I changed into some really cute (and slightly sexy) pj's. Now, maybe this is my fault.....maybe I should have broken out the obvious nightie, but about two hours after we got back home Thomas fell asleep on the couch......No ladies, no nookie for me.....=/ And in fact, I'm not even sure my husband was thinking about doing it in the first place....Damn it.....So, I ask again......did I shave my bits and pieces for this?
Anyways, my CF doc knows about the whole infertility thing and asked how it was going in that department. I explain to him about getting pregnant, the twins, and then the m/c. He says he is really sorry because he and his wife had two m/c's in between their two children (I actually already knew this), but it was nice to know he cared. So, the appt. goes well, I have a little bit of a head cold but my lungs are clear, etc etc. After checking me over my doc asks if I am still working out on a regular basis and I say yes, at least 4 times a week. Then Thomas pipes up and goes "yeah, she dances around the living room almost every night" (sidenote: He is referring to the fact I do Core Rhythms, the dance video's). However, as soon as he says this, my doctor (who understands the TTC lingo) goes..."Baby Dancing, yes?" I cracked up right then and there.....I really like my doc!
Friday, December 14, 2007
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Well, when I got pregnant back in Sept. I realized that I needed to look up on the std benefits for maternity leave. So, that is when I find out I didn't automatically have std through my company and even if I got it during open enrollment, my pregnancy was pre-existing so it didn't matter, why bother. So as we all know that pregnancy didn't end well, so when open enrollment rolled around again in November I signed up for std because I would need it once I got pregnant again (yes I was being super optimistic). Now my new effective date is Jan. 1st, which is all fine and dandy but put me in a bit of a bind as to when to continue with fertility treatments post m/c. Medically I was cleared to try again once I got my first real AF post m/c because everything was so small, passed on it's own, blah blah blah. Now, as we all know it is hard to tell what our bodies will do (in regards to cycles) after such a thing occurs....I could have a 20 day cycle or it could be 2 months before I see AF again so I had to wait it out.
Back to the present...I am cd 29 of my waiting cycle and based on CM and temps in all likely hood O'd yesterday. So, if this is true (and time will tell in a day or two) then I should expect AF on Christmas (if my LP remains the same as it was). Merry freaking Christmas to me...ironically I started AF on christmas last year....as well as thanksgiving AND my birthday...Rock on! However, should this be the case I would miss my std effective date by 6 days, and since pregnancies are dated from LMP I was worried my std wouldn't cover my maternity leave should we miraculously get pregnant again, and that would mean we have to wait another cycle (end of Jan) to start meds and that puts us at Feb. for the IUI. So, being the analytical person I am I called my std company again to see if pregnancy was considered a pre-existing condition based on LMP or conception....since in their own booklet a pre-existing condition is "any situation that would require absence in which you have had medical care for 90 days prior to the day before your effective date". Now, my train of thought is this....if my LMP starts before my effective date of Jan. 1st but my conception date is after my effective date then it can't be considered pre-existing because there was no medical care for this pregnancy given in the three months prior to Jan. 1st. According to the lady on the phone, I was right! I won't even have an u/s with my RE until cd13 of my medicated cycle so there will be NO medical care (OB, RE or otherwise) pertaining to getting pregnant or being pregnant until after my std effective date so I can go ahead and start my IUI cycle. Woo-Hoo!!
Now, the only thing that would throw a wrench in my plans (as it always does) is have some obnoxiously short LP for me such as 9-10 days.....then I am cutting it really close because at 10 days that would put me at getting my next AF on Dec. 21st and my first RE u/s on Jan. 2nd...Eeek! haha.
Anyways...that was good news for me....but I'm sure it bored the hell out of anyone reading it, lol.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Combo then all injects cycles:
Meds, U/S, IUI, Total
C1 : 10.00* , 30.00 , 315.00, 375.00
C2: 1000.00, 500.00 , 315.00, 1815.00
Total: 2190.00 for both cycles
Injects, then combo cycles:
Meds, U/S, IUI, Total
C1: 600.00*, 30.00, 315.00, 945.00
C2: 500.00 , 500.00, 315.00, 1315.00
Total: 2260.00 for both cycles
*this price takes into consideration I have 300IU's left from my last cycle.
OK, so as you can see the total cost for both cycles only varies by 70.00 so that isn't a huge point in how my decision goes. However, what does matter is if I want to pay very little the first cycle and then if it not work, pay over 2000.00 for the second OR do I want to pay a roughly even amount for both cycles? Here are my thoughts:
1.) If we go ahead with combo cycle for the first IUI and it works like the last one, I only spent 345.00 dollars...whoo-hoo!
2.) If the combo cycle doesn't work and I end up going to all injects the next time and getting pregnant I spent the whole 2300.00. However if I ended up getting KU'd with all injects I could have gone straight to the first part of option 3.
3.) If I start with all injects and it works, I've spent 1000.00, but if I was going to get pregnant anyways then number one comes back into play with spending initially less money for success.
4.) Then if I do all injects and it doesn't work and move onto combo and it does.....I've still spent the 2300.00 on success and used a method that I could have only spent 400.00 for.
5.) Another option is to do two combo cycles, which would total 1670.00. However, if I do this option and don't get pregnant either times I will probably end up trying injects before shelling out 10K for IVF and that will end up totaling 3690.00 overall.
6.) And lastly, none of options 1-5 apply and I end up needing IVF, so then it all boils down to how much money do I feel like being fucked out of until I realize it isn't making me pregnant? =/
Oh, and I should mention we are all set to do the combo cycle first. He isn't even making me come in for a baseline since it's such a drive and he didn't see any cysts friday. I already have my script for clomid and the pharmacy has my inject script on hold until Jan. However, Dr. W said that if I wanted we could easily switch to all injects first, just to let him know. So, what would YOU do?!
P.S- I meant to add this last bit before I posted this blog and the anon comment made me remember it. I am in no means saying that I wouldn't spend the more expensive option if it meant having my precious little one. I know in the long run, once I actually get that BFP (and have a successful pregnancy) then I won't bat an eye about the cost to get there, but unfortunately for now, money is an issue and in reality, it's all a gamble....
So, I met my husband in Charlottesville on Friday (He was coming from the NFL game in Washington the night before) and we proceeded to meet our new RE. Right away I knew I would like this clinic. The waiting room was a very private, comfortable setting with couches, coffee tables, and an available water cooler. The front desk persons were extremely nice, and check this out, when it was time to call us back for my appt. the doctor himself came out to call our name and introduce himself!! Basically we went into Dr.W's (not to be confused with my ob Dr. Wonderful, however that could be interchanged) office and he went over my medical history.....HSG, lap, S/A for the hubby, medicated cycles, IUI's, and the m/c. Then he asked us questions about our family history, we discussed a little bit about my CF, and he asked the basic "do you smoke/drink" health questions. Next he sat back at his desk and goes "OK, now that the basic stuff is over with, what do you want to do from here, what are you expecting from me?" Um, did I just hear you right?!?! I'm sorry, I am a bit shocked you actually asked what I want....does this mean you actually care and/or acknowledge the fact I am a well educated patient? I believe so, and thank god for that!
So, as for treatment I told Dr. W that DH and I wanted to try one more IUI and then move on to IVF, he nodded his head and says that is certainly one option, but he also suggested trying at least two IUI's before deciding about IVF because we know I can get pregnant. Although he knows we are not new to the RE bit, he wants us to try and start with a clean slate with him; now that we know what protocol works (the clomid/injects combo), we can start from there and work our way up. I liked this idea and appreciated the fact he wasn't an IVF pusher since my last RE was talking about it during our first appt. I also suggest going to all injects, and Dr. W said that we could definitely do that if we wanted, however usually once we find the protocol that works in getting pregnant to at least give it one other go (and to save some money), since getting pregnant and staying pregnant are two completely different issues. He also mentioned that his all inject cycles have a higher success rate of achieving pregnancy (basically because it helps produce more eggs) but in either cycle, clomid, combo, or otherwise (other than IVF) he doesn't want his patient to have more than 4 eggs, and if they do he usually cancels the IUI. Perfectly reasonable in my book, so we are good there. However, we still have the issue of which to do first, combo or all out injects, and I would like others opinions on this so I will post a separate blog on this debate.
After the initial consult he did a brief exam; the usual-pelvic, u/s, etc. Which, btw although my lefty is still hiding behind my uterus the wand didn't hurt like they have been in the past, yay! All is well in the pelvic department, the cysts on my right ovary are gone and I have lots of atrial follies just waiting to grow for my next cycles...whoo-hoo! All in all I really liked this doctor!! I actually walked out of his office feeling like an intelligent, respected patient....and THAT is definitely worth driving 2.5 hours for!
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Speaking of Oing, I had some spotting this morning and a fairly decent temp jump, although it is still in my *normal* pre-O range so I am just waiting to see what happens tomorrow. I'd like to buy an O please Pat.....Hell, that's what IF is about anyways right? Paying our way to ovulation? Haha.
Oh, and because of my new appt. I had to get my records transferred from my old RE's office and my ob/gyn's office. That was the first time I had stepped foot into Dr. Jackass's office since that doomed u/s, and honestly it was pretty liberating to be freeing myself from his care. My ob/gyn's office however took it as a big inconvenience that I needed my records faxed before Friday. See, normally that office makes you pay the copying and postage fee's for your records, and you have to pay the fee before the records are sent. Ok, thats fine, so I ask the front desk person today how much it would be, I would like to pay it now. To this she says the the "lady" who does records will be contacting me in a few days, and this is when I tell her I need the fax at the new location by Friday (which, btw I also wrote in huge letters on the release form). This is when she looks at me like I had just asked for her left arm and goes "well, I will let her know". Oh, I must also mention here that with the charting system my provider uses all they have to do is enter a fax number in the computer and records are sent automatically within seconds, so it's not even like it has to be done by hand. Honestly lady, eat a holiday cookie and cheer up! Haha. I'm not really complaining about that office though, I really do love it...maybe she was just having a bad day ;-)
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Let me back up a bit...I've always considered myself a very social person. I was a cheerleader in high school, part of the french honor society, national honor society, and well, you get the point. I was never a "partier" because quite frankly I never had time between school, extra curricular activities and work, but I always had friends and we always had a good time. Unfortunately I lost track of many of those friends after HS (which happens a lot I am sure) and my *best* friend moved across the country for college. I picked up and moved to Greensboro with my Ex hoping to start school down there, but since I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted to do I took a year off to work. I made some great friends down there, and was still able to come home and have a good time with my friends (and boyfriends) on the weekends. I was happy and sociable and life was good.....then I think life hit.
I moved back home to go to school (which I wanted to do). I have always wanted to go to college, I LOVE learning, and quite frankly I love being around other smart, driven people. At one point in my life I contemplated becoming a doctor or a PA. Now I must mention that right before I entered into college I got engaged. Slowly throughout that year, I stopped going out. I was invited all the time by my new friends, but felt like I shouldn't go without my fiance and since he worked odd hours, I just never went. It got a little worse when we got married. I was in school and working, and he was working and never really felt like going out because we didn't have many mutual friends. After I graduated I started working at the same college I got my degree from so I was basically still around the same "type" of people, however I have made a few new acquaintances along the way. Most recently I started my Masters program and between a full time job and my new degree, I never have time to go out and enjoy myself, and quite frankly I just don't have that many people to do it with even if I did.
So recently I just joined facebook, you know to check up with old classmates, see how things are going etc, and after going through a few profiles of people I graduated with I realized how strange my life now seems. Regardless of their relationship status, almost everyone I know has pictures of their friends, and outings, and get togethers...Nights out, or nights in, it doesn't really matter.....I don't really have any of that anymore. Is my life now really that dull? Do I really have no friends to share good times with? I am so afraid the answer to both of those questions is yes. I will be 23 next month, and all the sudden I feel like I am living the life of a 40 year old (no offense to anyone out there because I know some pretty damn hip mid lifers) but you get my point, right? I know I have always been mature for my age, and I like that. I am smart, caring, and independent, and love the fact I can handle responsibility well...but something about me is unsettled, unhappy with the way I live my life. Let me give you a rundown of my week:
Monday-Friday: Work from 8-5ish, depending on when I get done, come home (usually swing by the grocery store for odds and ins), walk dog and/or workout, straighten the house/dishes if it needs to be done(btw, no dishwasher), make dinner, work on my Masters, go to bed.
Saturday: Usually clean and do laundry, then do any errands I need to get to that week, pay any bills etc, then stay in the with hubby for the evening (which usually sounds nice but it always ends up with him on the computer and me watching tv or a movie)
Sunday: One of three things will happen on sunday, I will write papers and complete my weekly assignments for my MS, finish the cleaning from the day before, or go into work since DH has to work anyways.
Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Sometimes I don't want to go to sleep because it means waking up to it all over again.
What the hell happened? I am not saying getting married *ruined* the person I was because I love my husband, and after all, getting married was a decision I chose to make. But, sometimes I just look around, and even in married life mine is boarder line boring. I know I should feel lucky and be happy, I have a job that pays the bills, puts food on the table, and a roof over my head, I own my own house, and have someone who loves me very much....but yet, I can't help but feel something is missing. I do miss having friends, I miss those pictures and memories I see that everyone else has. Then my mind wonders if this is reason I want a child so desperately...to fill that void. Wow, what a big responsibility for that little person, and part of me feels like that in and of itself is wrong. OK, maybe it's not the whole reason for wanting a child, because first and foremost I do want to be a mother...but I do feel it is a little part of it. Something to give my life more purpose.
Wow, I feel like I am rambling just a bit...sorry for that =/. Well, it is late, and I must go to bed. Thanks for listening to my train of thought this evening. I'm not really looking for anything, and I may not be *quite* as desperate as I sound, but I did need to get that off my chest. Over and out!
The poem that goes with it always makes me tear up just a little, but I thought I would write them out (even though they are fairly well known)...
If Tears Could Build A Stairway
If tears could build a stairway
And memories were a lane
We would walk right up to Heaven
And bring you back again
No farewell words were spoken
No time to say goodbye
You were gone before we knew it
And only God knows why
Our hearts still ache in sadness
And secret tears still flow
What it meant to lose you
No on will ever know
But know we know you want us
To mourn for you no more
To remember all the happy times
Life still has much in store
Since you’ll never be forgotten
We pledge to you today
A hallowed place within our hearts
Is where you’ll always stay
Anyways, my point is...for the most part, DH and I are doing OK in that department. We can talk about it without being sad, and we are really looking forward to continuing our journey. Well, this brings me to yesterday, and the original purpose for this blog. Yesterday morning I went to get my regular pedicure, and right as I was finishing up another lady walked into the room for her manicure appt. and she was carrying a baby carrier. Turns out it was her grandbaby, and I am assuming the mother is younger because this lady looked a little young to be a grandmother already and she mentioned the fact they all live at her house, but I digress. This baby was absolutely adorable! She actually looked a lot like two of my nieces so maybe that is why I thought she was so cute...they had the exact same big, baby blue eyes ;-). So I go on to learn that the little one is about 6 months old....how sweet right? THEN I realize that my babies would have been that exact age this time next year because my EDD was June, 3rd, and THAT hurt. THAT thought made me cry a little....not a lot, and really not enough for anyone to notice, just a tear or two, but it was the first time in what feels like a long time I was actually sad about it.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Let me set the scene....I had just finished working out to core rhythms (which I LOVE by the way) and was going to take a shower. I asked DH to start browning the turkey burger and pre-heat the oven for the sweet potato fries.Oh, and before I continue I must tell you he asked me what temp. to set the oven on....good lord darling, I don't know, read the back of the bag!! Anyways, a few minutes later I get out of the shower, change, and walk into the kitchen. I notice the pre-heat light has gone off so I go to put the fries in the oven.....it was completely cold. So, I look at the settings and apparently my husband had set the temperature on 425 (yay for him!) but didn't actually turn the knob to bake; it was still in the off position...Ha! God Bless that man!
Red Umbrella-Faith Hill
Sometimes life can get a little dark
I'm sure I've got bruises on my heart
Here come the black clouds full of pain
Yeah, you can break away without the chains
Your love is like a red umbrella
Walk the streets like Cinderella
Everyone can see it on my face
(So) let it rain
It's pourin' all around
Let it fall
(No) it ain't gonna drown me
I'm gonna be okay
(So) let it rain
(Oh, let it rain)
(Let it fall)
(I'm gonna be okay)
(So let it rain)
You can wear your sorrow like an old raincoat
You can save your tears in a bottle made of gold
But the glitter on the sidewalk always shines
Yeah, even God needs to cry sometimes
Your love is like a red umbrella
Always there to make me better
When my broken dreams
Are fallin' from the sky
Let it wash my tears away
Tomorrow's another day
Monday, November 26, 2007
I do actually have an update in the TTC world (surprising, I know, haha). I have my first consult appt. with the new RE, woo-hoo!!! It is Dec. 7th and an entire hour is set aside for me and my fertility stuff. We will do the typical meet and greet, talk about my journey so far and see what my future options are. I am actually really excited to have a fresh set of eyes take a look at my infertility issues and see if he has any new ideas on what is "wrong". Hopefully, if all goes well we will do our first medicated cycle with this new doc in Jan. Now depending on how my off cycle goes this time, it will either be my first real bleed from the m/c or there will be a natural cycle in between. DH and I really wanted to get through the holidays without worrying about medications to pay for and ultrasounds. Plus, if I start my IUI cycle before Jan. 1st and get pregnant then my STD, which becomes effective at the start of the new year, may not cover my maternity leave.
Also, on my list of things to do is write my ob/gyn's office a thank you letter for how well I was treated during that whole m/c stuff. It's nice to actually feel like a person and not just a patient number for the day, especially with things so emotional as that. Maybe I will send a treat too, it is the holidays after all =)
And finally, there are some ladies that I would really like to send my hugs and thoughts out too-Nancy, Ashely, Jenn, Tammy, Kelly, Jen, Jewels, and Mon. It seems like in the IF world, there is ALWAYS bad news, and lately the shit just keeps getting shoveled onto those who really don't deserve it. I wish nothing but the best for everyone dealing with IF, but for the group of people I have truly grown to know as friends, watching their disappointment is almost worse than going through it myself.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Let's see how this goes ;-)
"Someone made the comment about remembering what it was like early in your journey when it came to BFNs and hope and disappointment....so I did, I sat down and really thought about it. I remember my early months, I remember being crushed because I just knew I was pregnant on C3 and when I wasn't I thought it was the end of the world. When I hit C9 and realized I *might* be looking at IF I made the arguement that my pain was just as worse as those who had been trying for years because no matter what the situation a BFN still hurt....and I know now I was only half right. I will admit the disappointment is still the same....getting your hopes squashed with the arrival of AF sucks no matter what....but because I am now one of those who have been working at this for so long (although not as long as some, so I do still realize my "place" in this) I understand now the pain and stress is completely different....I only thought I knew BFN pain until I got here, and I thought this would sum it up.....
In my first year of trying, BFN's sucked because I had such high hopes....they sucked because I was naive and thought everything was a pregnancy symptom....they sucked because I just knew it was supposed to happen.
Now with my (and people like myself) BFN's there is a whole added dimension. Now with a BFN I don't just cry, I grieve.....I grieve because I know enough to know it probably wasn't going to happen but I hope anyways because I want to be a mother so bad I taste it.....I grieve for the next holiday that will pass without my baby.....I grieve for my husband who now cries with me
In my first year of trying I debated about spending the money on OPK's and when to take them, and how long to wait to pee in the afternoon. I had questions about my chart and when I O'd, did we have sex enough and if 15 minutes in the morning will really make a difference. The only money I had to worry about was that 12 bucks on a box of OPK's and the occasional pregnancy test.....
Now is different. Each failed cycle usually means throwing 1000's down the drain....I don't have to worry about OPK's anymore because I get to inject myself and have multiple u/s to check my follie growth. Sex isn't an issue....as long as he can do it in a cup. Each new cycle brings the stress of wondering if you can pay for all the treatments you need.....and it means giving up months at a time when the budget is too tight.....
In my first year of trying I never had to cancel or postpone vacations because of my cycle or base my own schedule around driving 2 hours to see an RE
In my first year of trying I just knew it would happen....now I know am lucky as hell if it does...and better yet, if it sticks....because now I know that regardless of what I went through to get pregnant...that's the easy part.
My point of all of this is....you don't realize what perspective you will gain on this journey as a whole until you do it....when I first started I just knew my pain and disappointment was the same as those who had done it much longer....I was wrong, because the pain and stress and disappointment is different. When I first started trying I just knew that if it didn't happen in a year I would stop....I was wrong, because over the years my desire grew. When I first started I just knew as soon as I got pregnant it meant I would be a mom.....I was wrong and have two angel babies to prove it. When I first started I thought "that won't happen to me"...I was wrong, because it DID happen to me and my respect for those who have gone through this before me, those who have done it longer and those who have spent more money has only grown. Honestly, when I first started out, I was selfish because I could only compare how bad MY journey was...how much MY BFN's hurt....without looking at how good I might really have it. I thought "how dare you say my hurt isn't as bad as yours, how do you know how I feel....this journey is bad for everyone"....but in the end, I was only half right, because I had only gone through half my journey."
Also, I have the greatest doc ever! Although I wish she would have decided to do things earlier, I still love her and her whole office. I made another f/u appt with her for next Monday to make sure everything has passed, but she also wanted me to call her Wednesday morning (today) to let her know yes or no on the bleeding and if we needed to schedule the surgery. So yesterday I get this call from her nurse basically saying "Dr. W just wanted me to call and see how things were going today, and to see if you are doing well and how the medication worked" So then I proceed to tell her everything started, etc etc. Anyways...I just thought it was super wonderful for her office to call like that because it makes me feel as if she really cares about me, the patient, as a person. Unlike my old Dr. Jackass, who by the way I ran in to at the grocery store Monday while getting my prescription, and he smiles and goes "hey, how is everything going?" Are you freaking kidding me? No, "Im sorry for what happened"...I just smiled and said fine...seriously, what a jerk. I really wish my OB would do my IF stuff, but she highly recommends the guy she is sending me to so I feel I will be pleased.
OK, back to the subject.....I can't wait to start TTC again! I am going to break out the BBT again in a few days to see when I O this "cycle" and when I can expect my next "real" AF. We aren't trying until then, but we aren't exactly preventing either. Then we decided to have one natural trying cycle (OPK's and all) before seeing our new RE on my first cycle of the new year. Right now I'm just praying it doesn't take months for me to get AF again. I can do 5-6 weeks...but months? Come on, I need a break somewhere right?
Oh, on another update front: I have a job interview next Tuesday! This is actually a job my manager recommended me for and although he doesn't want to lose me he realizes what a great opportunity it would be within our company (Not to mention better pay). I'm pretty excited to see what happens!
OK, there is my past few days in a nutshell =D
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Number one: It gets everything out in one fail swoop, and its more of a guarantee that everything is removed.
Number two: My lovely left ovary. Like I have mentioned before my left ovary causes me pain during every u/s and it was discovered it is hidden (and probably attached) to the back of my uterus. More recently I have noticed when I work out for more than 15 minutes my left side starts to ache and I'm pretty sure my ovary is to blame. So, given all of this ~I~ think it would be a good idea to schedule the D&C, and then while I'm already knocked out do another lap and check to see if it is endo causing the weirdness on my left side. If it is...remove it. Boom, two surgeries with one bill.
and oh yeah...Number three: Plain and simple I'm tired of fucking waiting =/ I want to TTC again and I want to TTC now!!!
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
"If I get pregnant before I ovulate, would I still get the discharge like any other cycle?" This was a question posed on a message board I used to frequent quite regularly. After several ladies trying to politely tell this woman you cannot get pregnant before you ovulate, this was her response:
"Well I am pretty well versed with TTC and I know that you can get pregnant any day of your cycle...even during AF. " Then she proceeds to say: "I have tracked my CD and we go off that schedule of when to BD but a year later it is still not happening. ...... I guess I am just trying to give myself false hope of getting pregnant this cycle because we BD immediately after AF and none during my O because of our grueling and stressful work schedules."
I have a few issues with this. Number one, her question and statements contradict each other because she wants to know if she can get pregnant before she O's (an obvious no here) but then she goes on to say that she has been keeping track of her CD's to know when to BD. What exactly is she keeping track of if she thinks you can, and I quote "get pregnant any day of your cycle" AND if she actually believes that why does she think it is false hope if she BD'ed after AF and not around O. If she actually believed her own statement, it wouldn't matter when she BD'ed and her hope would not be *false*. Oh, and if she has no clue about the Oing thing, it's no surprise it has taken her over a year so far....stupidity is not a medical condition hun. And finally, a third thing...based on her question I am assuming this women is not getting her normal O EWCM (if she even knows what that is) this is most likely due to the fact she states later that she is completely stressed with work and such. Here's a lesson...your O is probably delayed from all the stress you are under, NOT the fact you got pregnant, haha.
Does this sound like a person who is "well-versed" to you? I think not...over and out!
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Got this on myspace...I liked it because it was pretty true, haha
AQUARIUS - The one every girl or boy needs
Great talker. Attractive and passionate. Laid back. Knows how to Have fun. Is really good at almost anything. Great kisser. Unpredictable. Outgoing. Down to earth. Attractive. Loud. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Good when found.
So I have only recently entered into this world of "those who have lost" but there is one thing I've noticed. Although there is much camaraderie between women who have suffered this tragedy, like in IF there are different degrees of sadness and empathy one receives and even different degrees of joy when another BFP is granted. Losses can occur in many ways, obviously the most common being those in the first trimester in which a heartbeat is not detected or it is detected one week and not the next....or those that simply start bleeding before they ever get to their first appt. Then there are the losses that occur later on known as still births and babies that are so premature,they don't survive. See, even as you read this I bet your heart goes out *more* to the second scenario, which as I should mention, it completely should! But that also proves my point....within each world and journey for the illustrious chance at a family there are different variations in the way your own struggle is perceived.
However, let's get back to the more common first trimester loss since that is the one I am currently dealing with. Now, this is where my question of luck arises. Obviously anyone who has to suffer through this is considered unlucky...however, is there more that comes into play? For example, is someone who was NEVER able to conceive more or less lucky than someone who conceived and lost? I mentioned in an earlier post that I have been on both sides of the fence and there were times when I wished I would have never conceived at all because then I could go along my merry way of TTC (and I'm using the term *merry* lightly here) but at least it was something I was used to, something I knew how to handle. However, hindsight is 20/20 and it occurred to me the other day that maybe the fact I actually conceived and lost made the desire to create a family all the more intense, and now I want more than anything to keep trying, but maybe, just maybe if I haven't conceived on that last IUI my heart would have given up....I would have been defeated and stopped my active journey. Obviously right now I can't answer that one.
Now, let's move on to a different example....is someone who suffers a loss after struggling with IF more entitled to sympathy than someone who m/c on C3 or C6 or better yet, someone who only found out they were pregnant *because* they lost it. I think I'm on the fence about this one. Not because I think one m/c emotionally hurt more than the other (going back to the overall unlucky comment) but because statistically those who m/c early on in their TTC endeavors will most likely get pregnant again, and probably somewhat quickly (as in within the next 6 months to a year). Those who try for years and go through IF treatments to get pregnant, only to lose it, face the worry that since it took so long the first time it may take that long again, or perhaps never again. Also, in looking at IF treatments, those things are pretty damn expensive and if you know you have to go back to an IF treatment to get pregnant again you are faced with the financial burden again that you thought you were able to forget and put behind you. Now, don't get me wrong....I know babies and children aren't cheap, but to have to spend so much money on actually conceiving, then doing it all over again because the pregnancy wasn't successful sucks because even after all of that you are still faced with the issue of paying for the child. I know when I found out I was pregnant I was so glad I didn't have to spend anymore money on IF treatments (at least not for *this* child), and the fact I now I have do it all again when I thought I was done for now was disappointing and crushing.
Next, moving on to the way people actually m/c. Usually in 1st tri miscarriages a woman starts to bleed and it is usually right then she knows she lost it. Or, as I mentioned before you go to an u/s and don't find a heartbeat so a D&C is done and physically (emotionally is a whole different story) the woman and her partner can move on and decide to TTC again when they want. Then you have my situation....where, number one my first doctor lied to me, and number two, even after the m/c was confirmed (because the sacs and babies-or lack thereof, wasn't growing) but there were other issues, such as continually rising beta's or issues and pain with the u/s's that makes your doctor want to "wait it out" and "see what happens". Now usually I would say this waiting period is only a week or two before the doc decides to do a D&C or medicinally start the m/c...but what if you have several confusing u/s and beta numbers, then what? Well, I will tell you what....you wait. You wait for a crazy amount of time because nothing is really big enough to advise doing a D&C and your numbers are just low enough that they may fall and things will start naturally.....or, they may not but medically it is smart to wait. I found out I was going to lose my babies at 6w3d...right now I am 10w exactly and by my next appt I will be 11w exactly. That is over four weeks I have been carrying around an empty sac(s) (the small one dissolved sometime around 8 weeks). Thats four weeks of knowing I will not be pregnant at thanksgiving like I was supposed to, but still technically pregnant right now which means I can't even try again and I'm in this sucky abyss of nothing (Yes Nancy, your last post prompted this one, lol). So, you tell me...is knowing all of this information early and told to "wait it out", or finding out later in the first tri and having everything taken care of, or just starting to bleed before you know something is wrong...more unlucky (or more lucky, if you wish to use it in that terms)?
P.S-I also must put out there that this is not directed toward anyone or one particular situation and I am completely empathetic for ALL m/c's because I've been there....this is simple an observation for today ;-)
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Sunday, October 28, 2007
I do, however, have a theory about why I'm losing weight and I want to see if this makes sense to anyone else: My body still thinks I'm pregnant, and because I haven't actually started to m/c my hCG levels are still elevated enough to keep me that way. Now, pregnant women are reccomended to eat 300-500 calories more a day than "normal" to help nurish the embie, keep good blood flow, etc, etc. Now although I know I dont have a baby in my uterus, my body has no idea because it is getting a hormonal signal that such baby exists. In turn, my metabolism is still slightly kicked up because my body *thinks* I need to support the existance in my uterus. However, I am not purposely eating more than "normal" because I don't need to as there is nothing there so I am losing those extra 300-500 calories a day without trying. Does this make sense to anyone else or do I overthink things way too much? LoL
Friday, October 26, 2007
Oh well it will be over soon, thats all for now.... =)
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
~Baseline co-pay: 30.00
~Clomid: 10.00 (go wal-mart!)
~Mid-cycle u/s co-pay: 30.00
~Total: 741.00....not too shabby in the IF world, so it didn't create TOO much of a dent.
Now, before I go into the new clinic pricing I must say this. According to the insurance lady there whom I just spoke with, because I am a new patient to Dr. "W" everything up until the IUI procedure will be billed diagnostically because that facility has never seen me before. AFTER the first IUI, everything will be out of pocket unless a different diagnosis other than infertility is discovered. This means that all my u/s and office visits for the first IUI is covered but if it doesn't work the first time around....I'm responsible for everything there after. So, in saying this, let's look at my first IUI round:
~Consult prior to cycle: 30.00
~Baseline u/s: 30.00
~Clomid: 10.00 (if doing combo cycle)
~Follistim+Trigger: around 1200.00 if I just do injects(maybe 1000 since I have 300IUs left over from before) or 500.00 for combo
~Mid-cycle u/s: 30.00
~Another u/s to check before IUI (I'm assuming this will be done): 30.00
~IUI(including lab fees for sperm washing, etc): 315.00
~ Total:950.00 (for combo)- 1635.00(for all injects)......hmm, thats a bigger dent, lol.
OK, now lets look at any following IUI's
~Clomid: 10.00(if a combo cycle)
~Follistim: around 500.00 (1200.00 if just injects)
~Mid-cycle u/s: 228.00
~Another u/s check: 228.00
~Total: 1509.00(on combo cycle) - 2200.00 (all injects)
So, after my first IUI (if it doesn't work) Thomas and I have a lot to think about and I am highly considering taking out a loan for IVF because one or two IUI cycles ranging around 2000.00 equals about half of IVF, so why not go for the full sha-bang right?
This now leads me into my anatomical parts discussion. In the past 2 weeks with my OB I have learned more about my anatomical positioning than I learned in a year with Dr. Jackass. For instance, I have learned that my uterus tilts left, my left ovary is behind my uterus and most likely attached to it and my right ovary is retroverted(which means it faces my back basically). Now, Dr. Wonderful said this won't prevent me from getting pregnant (obviously) but it may hinder it and put me at a higher risk for ectopic. So, with all the financial aspects of my new clinic AND my newfound girlie parts information, I do believe IVF is in my future *if* my first IUI with Dr. W doesn't work. Sounds logical right?
Fast forward two days to that Friday. Even though I still "felt" pregnant I knew something was wrong, in my heart I knew this pregnancy wasn't right. I had been researching like crazy about sac size and measuring behind and no yolk sac at 6 weeks, things along that line and finally called my doctor back to get the EXACT measurement of the little sacs. The nurse nonchalantly read off Dr. Jackass' notes on my chart that indicated "2 intrauterine sacs measuring 3 and 4mm" (sidenote: for those who don't know, at 6w a gestational sac should measure anywhere from 14-25mm). My heart immediately sank to the floor and I left work right away to go see my OB, who luckily for me is right across the parking lot from my building. I spoke to a nurse and told her why I was there, that I was pretty sure my pregnancy isn't developing properly and my OB(who we will call Dr. Wonderful) took me back right away and got an u/s. After the u/s she pretty much verified what I already knew and said my sacs were measuring 2 weeks behind and this pregnancy wasn't viable...so now we wait for the inevitable.
OK, back to the present. Yesterday I had my 2 week f/u with Dr. Wonderful who pulls my beta and finds out they are still around 5,000(super low for my gestation, but higher than last week) so she gets me in for another u/s. My sac is still only measuring 5 weeks (I was supposed to be 8) with nothing in it (oh, and the little sac was completely gone). So I'm hoping that we have a plan of action for this appt. I am ready for this to be over....I want medication a D&C, something so I can move on and start to TTC again before the first of the year. So after reviewing all my chart info and looking at my u/s Dr. Wonderful decides it is best to wait it out. Are you kidding me?!?! I don't feel like my body is getting rid of this empty blob anytime soon because I still have pregnancy symptoms, my numbers although extremely low are still rising slowly and I haven't any cramping or spotting. Dr. Wonderful goes on to say that I am not a good candidate for a D&C because I'm only measuring 5 weeks and my body could easily pass such small tissue. She also says she doesn't want to give me meds yet because of some of the side effects, which I completely understand, but still it is very emotionally hard to keep holding on to this sac that is supposed to be growing my baby and it's not. Then she tells me to make an appt for 2 to 3 weeks from now to check up on things. So, I leave her office a little disappointed and sad nothing is final and my next appt is Nov. 12th....exactly 19 days from now. I would love to get it in earlier but she is completely booked the week of the 2 week mark...so we had to go 3 weeks from now. Which, the way I figure it, nothing is going to happen between now and then so that puts me probably miscarrying or at the end of it over Thanksgiving...which completely and totally sucks.
These last 2 weeks of knowing I am going to lose my baby, but not knowing when has been hell. I still have my pregnancy symptoms, and just get sad randomly when I think about everything that is going on. TTC 2WWs have NOTHING on the wait to miscarry. At least at the end of a 2WW if its a BFN I can handle that. Im sad for a day or two and then I move on and look toward the next new cycle. But this, THIS is terrible. Im waiting, and waiting, and waiting....and don't get to TTC again soon either. I can't believe I have to go through 3 more weeks of it. In my mind, that is just time wasted that I could be getting closer to TTC once more. Three more weeks of being "pregnant" but not really, and three more weeks of wondering if and when. Now, I will say that I have never been through an IVF 2WW(although I will be blogging more about that in a minute), but there are times in all of this that I wish I would have never conceived at all. I would of had my 2WW, gotten my typical BFN, sulked a bit, then moved on like normal and tried again. At least then I wouldn't have my dreams so close only to be ripped from my heart, and to sit around like an incubator with nothing to grow; and at least then I could have spent these last 2 months (three by the time I actually m/c and 4 by the time I am allowed to "try" again) TTCing. Alas, one cannot even attempt to get pregnant when their body thinks they already are.
Im not looking for sympathy here, however I do have one request. If you are a praying type of person, or even if you just want to think of me (and women like me in this situation), please pray (or hope) that I start to m/c on my own before this next appt. Pray that this will all be over soon and I can move on because I do still have a desire to TTC and sitting here doing NOTHING about ANYTHING is killing me (not to mention emotionally cruel and exhausting). Thanks!
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Yeah I now know that statement is completely and utterly crazy! Who in the hell in their right mind would wish this upon themselves?!??! I have been on both sides of fence, and believe me I preferred the days when I was still wondering if I could conceive or not. Fear of the unknown is nothing like the fear of wondering if this will happen again *if* we ever conceive again. This is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done so far in my journey.
I don't blame those who make this statement because they don't "know" what it's truly like unless it happened to them, and honestly it does seem like the most appropriate thing to say in a time like this. I will even go as far as to say that I have said it to myself several times since this whole ordeal began, and it did offer some comfort.....but a word to the wise, coming from other people....this statement doesn't help (at least not when wounds are fresh). To me it's the same as telling someone going through secondary IF that they should be happy because they conceived before and have a healthy child, even when their heart is aching for another little one. Seems similar, yes? Anyways...just my ramblings for tonight.
P.S-This is in no way directed toward anyone specific. It was just something I was pondering after hearing this again from my doctor today and realizing how many times I've heard it in the past 2 weeks.