Thursday, December 20, 2007

Happy and Sad

First of all, I need to announce I actually made Mel's blog roll and I'm really excited! Whoa, little ol' new blogger me made THE LIST....Rock On!!! =D. Another happy notion: work let us out an hour early. At 3:30 the email went out that administration was letting us go at four....happy holidays, haha. Because of this, I got to wrap DH b-day gifts before he got home, and put a few final touches in his stocking....sweet =).

OK, here is my sad confession. I think I realized today that even though I am doing well with the m/c and super excited about moving on....hello 8dpo, come on AF and the meds begin ;-)....I am also still dealing, and I know this because I started crying in my car on the way home from work. Not sobbing crying, but a few tears definitely slid out. I was listening to that song "Laugh Until We Cried" by Jason Aldean and of course the last verse goes as such:

Just the other night the baby was cryin
So I got out of bed rocked her awhile and I held her tight
And I told her it would be all right
My mind went back to a few years ago
We tried so long, we almost gave up hope
And I remember you comin' in and tellin me the news
Oh man we were livin, goin crazy in the kitchen
We danced and screamed and held each other tight
We laughed until we cried

This song affects me in many ways. One, it of course has an overwhelming tone on infertility, which makes me sad for everyone (including myself) struggling with it.....why is it so hard sometimes? Why do you never hear of "bad" people having infertility? Secondly, again an obvious notion, but the end of the verse (and inherently the beginning) means they succeeded. It means finally getting that illustrious BFP. It sums up the emotions you feel right at that second when you and your spouse realize you are having a baby; it captures the moment perfectly. It seems silly now, but when I first got my solid, without a doubt BFP.....I laughed....I was feeling so much right then and there it all manifested and bubbled up as a laugh because I didn't know what else to do. So I did actually "laugh until I cried". I remember seeing DH's face when I verified it to him (I gave him a diaper bag and told him Happy Fathers Day-we were due June 3rd-and I told him he would need it by then)...he laughed, he cried, and so did I, he hugged me. I remember eating dinner (he stopped and got subs because that is what I really wanted) in disbelief....smiling and not even realizing it and not being able to prevent it. I couldn't have frowned if someone paid me. As cliche as it is, I was immediately glowing. At that moment, 2 years didn't matter, because in 9 months we would have a 9 short months, a whole new journey would begin....the journey we hoped for, the journey we prayed for...and as terrible as it is, the journey we paid for.....beautiful isn't it? Thirdly, I was crying because of all the women I know of who have never experienced that moment, those who want it so desperately...I wish I could bottle that moment and share it...just to give them more hope, to let them get a glimpse of what they are working towards when the rainclouds keep pouring, and the hurt in their heart is almost unbearable. Next, I cried for all of the countless women who had that moment, lived that moment, and then had it ripped away....replaced with the sadness of losing a baby. Lastly, I cried for myself....I cried for my babies, and I cried because THIS Christmas was supposed to different....this Christmas I should be 17 weeks pregnant....this time next year my babies would be 6 months old....But alas, this Christmas is exactly like last Christmas, and the one before that....and I'm really hoping next Christmas won't be the same.

Although, even through all of that I am actually very optimistic about my first cycle with the new it selfish of me to hope it only takes one more time? I guess that is what we all wish huh.....maybe THIS time.


Jen said...

If we didn't think that it would work this time, I don't think we could keep going. And I am still trying without medical intervention or infertility.

I am still dealing too and you are even 'fresher' than I am. I was supposed to be 29 weeks this Christmas.

I like that song. I've never heard it before.

xavier2001 said...

popping over from stirrup queens, your post is so beautiful it made me cry. my angel baby would have been 1 year old today, hang in there, you will acheive your dream.