Sunday, December 2, 2007

Where did I go?

Excuse me, can someone help me find my life again? Find ME again...All of the sudden I feel like I've lost myself, somewhere between the end of high school and now, I've become a person I don't think I recognize.

Let me back up a bit...I've always considered myself a very social person. I was a cheerleader in high school, part of the french honor society, national honor society, and well, you get the point. I was never a "partier" because quite frankly I never had time between school, extra curricular activities and work, but I always had friends and we always had a good time. Unfortunately I lost track of many of those friends after HS (which happens a lot I am sure) and my *best* friend moved across the country for college. I picked up and moved to Greensboro with my Ex hoping to start school down there, but since I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted to do I took a year off to work. I made some great friends down there, and was still able to come home and have a good time with my friends (and boyfriends) on the weekends. I was happy and sociable and life was good.....then I think life hit.

I moved back home to go to school (which I wanted to do). I have always wanted to go to college, I LOVE learning, and quite frankly I love being around other smart, driven people. At one point in my life I contemplated becoming a doctor or a PA. Now I must mention that right before I entered into college I got engaged. Slowly throughout that year, I stopped going out. I was invited all the time by my new friends, but felt like I shouldn't go without my fiance and since he worked odd hours, I just never went. It got a little worse when we got married. I was in school and working, and he was working and never really felt like going out because we didn't have many mutual friends. After I graduated I started working at the same college I got my degree from so I was basically still around the same "type" of people, however I have made a few new acquaintances along the way. Most recently I started my Masters program and between a full time job and my new degree, I never have time to go out and enjoy myself, and quite frankly I just don't have that many people to do it with even if I did.

So recently I just joined facebook, you know to check up with old classmates, see how things are going etc, and after going through a few profiles of people I graduated with I realized how strange my life now seems. Regardless of their relationship status, almost everyone I know has pictures of their friends, and outings, and get togethers...Nights out, or nights in, it doesn't really matter.....I don't really have any of that anymore. Is my life now really that dull? Do I really have no friends to share good times with? I am so afraid the answer to both of those questions is yes. I will be 23 next month, and all the sudden I feel like I am living the life of a 40 year old (no offense to anyone out there because I know some pretty damn hip mid lifers) but you get my point, right? I know I have always been mature for my age, and I like that. I am smart, caring, and independent, and love the fact I can handle responsibility well...but something about me is unsettled, unhappy with the way I live my life. Let me give you a rundown of my week:

Monday-Friday: Work from 8-5ish, depending on when I get done, come home (usually swing by the grocery store for odds and ins), walk dog and/or workout, straighten the house/dishes if it needs to be done(btw, no dishwasher), make dinner, work on my Masters, go to bed.

Saturday: Usually clean and do laundry, then do any errands I need to get to that week, pay any bills etc, then stay in the with hubby for the evening (which usually sounds nice but it always ends up with him on the computer and me watching tv or a movie)

Sunday: One of three things will happen on sunday, I will write papers and complete my weekly assignments for my MS, finish the cleaning from the day before, or go into work since DH has to work anyways.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Sometimes I don't want to go to sleep because it means waking up to it all over again.

What the hell happened? I am not saying getting married *ruined* the person I was because I love my husband, and after all, getting married was a decision I chose to make. But, sometimes I just look around, and even in married life mine is boarder line boring. I know I should feel lucky and be happy, I have a job that pays the bills, puts food on the table, and a roof over my head, I own my own house, and have someone who loves me very much....but yet, I can't help but feel something is missing. I do miss having friends, I miss those pictures and memories I see that everyone else has. Then my mind wonders if this is reason I want a child so fill that void. Wow, what a big responsibility for that little person, and part of me feels like that in and of itself is wrong. OK, maybe it's not the whole reason for wanting a child, because first and foremost I do want to be a mother...but I do feel it is a little part of it. Something to give my life more purpose.

Wow, I feel like I am rambling just a bit...sorry for that =/. Well, it is late, and I must go to bed. Thanks for listening to my train of thought this evening. I'm not really looking for anything, and I may not be *quite* as desperate as I sound, but I did need to get that off my chest. Over and out!


Jen said...

My husband and I started an official date night to help us get out of the house more often. We took turns choosing where we went. It worked really well. We usually went to dinner somewhere, occasionally a movie. Oh, and we went on Thursdays, so we didn't have to fight the weekend crowds.

jennifercarol said...

Jeramy and I are lucky because we have a large group of friends who we've both known since high school. And while we don't see them too much during the week, we usually get together with somebody during the course of the weekend. Like Friday night was one friend's 30th birthday and on Saturday we went to a Christmas party. We spend a lot of time together also, but I feel very lucky to have a good group of friends to.

Now this isn't to say that you must have a lot of friends to spend time with, go out with, etc. I think the question is what do you want? If you feel like you want to meet more people, maybe you could take a class or join a book club, etc. Just some thoughts.

babytlc1 said...

You know the book, "Are You My Mother?" We are "Will You be My Friend?"

We have literally two couple that we can semi do things with and that is infrequent. He moved away and knew no one. I moved away and knew no one so we are relegated to finding friends at church and work. It sticks.

You will find yourself again, it will just take time.

We are like Jen though, we make it a point to do one date night a week. It made things start smoothing out. We got a long better.

jenn said...

I am pretty lucky in that my life kind of started being "mine" at college. I'm away from home though- so I don't get that high school connection anymore. also- I am lucky enough that tom really doesn't care if I go out without him if I need a girl's night.

I do agree though that making an effort to go out one night a week together is great. even if it's just to dinner & a movie, going window shopping together, or hey- join a cooking class or something- you can have fun together & maybe meet some new people along the way.

how cheesy does that last bit sound!

Monica said...

I totally understand what you mean. I was just looking at an old photo album from college. I had so many friends and pictures of hanging out with different groups of people. I would have people over for dinner parties or would hang out at my favorite coffee house all the time. But now it seems like all I do is go to work and then hang out around the house with Josh. We do go out to dinner quite often, but we don't really hang out with too many other people or do social things. I blame some on Josh being anti-social. But it's still such a different life than what I had in college. I guess that's what happens when you pack up and move 5000 miles away from everyone you know.