Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Funny story....

There are many words I can use to describe my husband....cute, funny, strong, caring...and now I can add "domestically challenged" to the list. Good lord, I swear the man was not this bad before I married him; before May 7th, 2005 he could do his own laundry and even cook (a little)! So, over two years later, it leads us to tonight....when I learned my husband cannot operate a stove, haha.

Let me set the scene....I had just finished working out to core rhythms (which I LOVE by the way) and was going to take a shower. I asked DH to start browning the turkey burger and pre-heat the oven for the sweet potato fries.Oh, and before I continue I must tell you he asked me what temp. to set the oven on....good lord darling, I don't know, read the back of the bag!! Anyways, a few minutes later I get out of the shower, change, and walk into the kitchen. I notice the pre-heat light has gone off so I go to put the fries in the oven.....it was completely cold. So, I look at the settings and apparently my husband had set the temperature on 425 (yay for him!) but didn't actually turn the knob to bake; it was still in the off position...Ha! God Bless that man!

Everyone needs an umbrella.....

OK, so this song is meant for relationships, but when I heard it, it made me think of friendships during infertility (and, my hunt for the lyrics was inspired by Jenn's comment on my post below-Thanks hun!)

Red Umbrella-Faith Hill

1st Verse

Sometimes life can get a little dark
I'm sure I've got bruises on my heart
Here come the black clouds full of pain
Yeah, you can break away without the chains

Pre Chorus

Your love is like a red umbrella
Walk the streets like Cinderella
Everyone can see it on my face


(So) let it rain
It's pourin' all around
Let it fall
(No) it ain't gonna drown me
After all
I'm gonna be okay
(So) let it rain
(Oh, let it rain)
(Let it fall)
(I'm gonna be okay)
(So let it rain)

2nd Verse

You can wear your sorrow like an old raincoat
You can save your tears in a bottle made of gold
But the glitter on the sidewalk always shines
Yeah, even God needs to cry sometimes

Pre Chorus

Your love is like a red umbrella
Always there to make me better
When my broken dreams
Are fallin' from the sky


Let it wash my tears away
Tomorrow's another day

Monday, November 26, 2007

Hmm, been awhile, yes?

Wow...I sort of crapped out on the blog thing lately huh? Apparently life got busy, or in the midst of the normal chaos there wasn't anything important to say, one or the other ;-)

I do actually have an update in the TTC world (surprising, I know, haha). I have my first consult appt. with the new RE, woo-hoo!!! It is Dec. 7th and an entire hour is set aside for me and my fertility stuff. We will do the typical meet and greet, talk about my journey so far and see what my future options are. I am actually really excited to have a fresh set of eyes take a look at my infertility issues and see if he has any new ideas on what is "wrong". Hopefully, if all goes well we will do our first medicated cycle with this new doc in Jan. Now depending on how my off cycle goes this time, it will either be my first real bleed from the m/c or there will be a natural cycle in between. DH and I really wanted to get through the holidays without worrying about medications to pay for and ultrasounds. Plus, if I start my IUI cycle before Jan. 1st and get pregnant then my STD, which becomes effective at the start of the new year, may not cover my maternity leave.

Also, on my list of things to do is write my ob/gyn's office a thank you letter for how well I was treated during that whole m/c stuff. It's nice to actually feel like a person and not just a patient number for the day, especially with things so emotional as that. Maybe I will send a treat too, it is the holidays after all =)

And finally, there are some ladies that I would really like to send my hugs and thoughts out too-Nancy, Ashely, Jenn, Tammy, Kelly, Jen, Jewels, and Mon. It seems like in the IF world, there is ALWAYS bad news, and lately the shit just keeps getting shoveled onto those who really don't deserve it. I wish nothing but the best for everyone dealing with IF, but for the group of people I have truly grown to know as friends, watching their disappointment is almost worse than going through it myself.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

I need to be a better blogger....

Or better yet, a better commenter. I lurk on blogs all the time...in fact I lurk A LOT, but there are only a very few I actually speak up on. I need to work on this and get my name out there, haha. It's almost like joining a new message board because you have to speak up to be spoken to.

Let's see how this goes ;-)

Throwing this out there....

I wanted to repost a little tidbit I posted on a message board. To put this next blurb into perspective for those reading it, this was directed toward a group of good ladies just starting out in the TTC world who noticed that some of us "oldies" were being more brazen in our bitter bitchiness sometimes. My hopes for writing it was to give them a perspective on the journey and how perspectives will change.

"Someone made the comment about remembering what it was like early in your journey when it came to BFNs and hope and disappointment....so I did, I sat down and really thought about it. I remember my early months, I remember being crushed because I just knew I was pregnant on C3 and when I wasn't I thought it was the end of the world. When I hit C9 and realized I *might* be looking at IF I made the arguement that my pain was just as worse as those who had been trying for years because no matter what the situation a BFN still hurt....and I know now I was only half right. I will admit the disappointment is still the same....getting your hopes squashed with the arrival of AF sucks no matter what....but because I am now one of those who have been working at this for so long (although not as long as some, so I do still realize my "place" in this) I understand now the pain and stress is completely different....I only thought I knew BFN pain until I got here, and I thought this would sum it up.....

In my first year of trying, BFN's sucked because I had such high hopes....they sucked because I was naive and thought everything was a pregnancy symptom....they sucked because I just knew it was supposed to happen.

Now with my (and people like myself) BFN's there is a whole added dimension. Now with a BFN I don't just cry, I grieve.....I grieve because I know enough to know it probably wasn't going to happen but I hope anyways because I want to be a mother so bad I taste it.....I grieve for the next holiday that will pass without my baby.....I grieve for my husband who now cries with me

In my first year of trying I debated about spending the money on OPK's and when to take them, and how long to wait to pee in the afternoon. I had questions about my chart and when I O'd, did we have sex enough and if 15 minutes in the morning will really make a difference. The only money I had to worry about was that 12 bucks on a box of OPK's and the occasional pregnancy test.....

Now is different. Each failed cycle usually means throwing 1000's down the drain....I don't have to worry about OPK's anymore because I get to inject myself and have multiple u/s to check my follie growth. Sex isn't an issue....as long as he can do it in a cup. Each new cycle brings the stress of wondering if you can pay for all the treatments you need.....and it means giving up months at a time when the budget is too tight.....

In my first year of trying I never had to cancel or postpone vacations because of my cycle or base my own schedule around driving 2 hours to see an RE

In my first year of trying I just knew it would happen....now I know am lucky as hell if it does...and better yet, if it sticks....because now I know that regardless of what I went through to get pregnant...that's the easy part.

My point of all of this is....you don't realize what perspective you will gain on this journey as a whole until you do it....when I first started I just knew my pain and disappointment was the same as those who had done it much longer....I was wrong, because the pain and stress and disappointment is different. When I first started trying I just knew that if it didn't happen in a year I would stop....I was wrong, because over the years my desire grew. When I first started I just knew as soon as I got pregnant it meant I would be a mom.....I was wrong and have two angel babies to prove it. When I first started I thought "that won't happen to me"...I was wrong, because it DID happen to me and my respect for those who have gone through this before me, those who have done it longer and those who have spent more money has only grown. Honestly, when I first started out, I was selfish because I could only compare how bad MY journey was...how much MY BFN's hurt....without looking at how good I might really have it. I thought "how dare you say my hurt isn't as bad as yours, how do you know how I feel....this journey is bad for everyone"....but in the end, I was only half right, because I had only gone through half my journey."

Updates, Updates.....some TMI

OK, so my doctor's appt. went well on Monday. She did a pelvic to make sure my uterus wasn't tender (indicating infection) and then did an u/s to see what had been going on these past few weeks. From the u/s she could tell that my tissue was starting to detach, so we decided to go the cytotek route to move this process along. So, I insert four little white pills into my nether regions Monday night before bed and sure enough about an hour later I start to cramp. Then I start to cramp bad. It was rough...I had continuous cramping for about 6 hours, I took several tylenol, got up and walked around, used the fetal position, got out my exercise ball, had to use relaxation techniques, the whole deal....I even got nauseated several times. Finally after a night of no sleep Tuesday morning arrived and so did AF, in all it's heavy glory. Yesterday sucked royally with the cramping and crazy bleeding, but at least the damn stuff worked and I am officially miscarrying. I even passed a funny looking clot that I actually assume was "the" clot. It was almost in two parts, one was about the size of a ping pong ball and it was connected to something else about the size of a medium grape. After that passed my cramping picked up a bit for about an hour, but since then my bleeding slowed down and right now it's pretty much like a normal-ish AF as far as flow and cramping.

Also, I have the greatest doc ever! Although I wish she would have decided to do things earlier, I still love her and her whole office. I made another f/u appt with her for next Monday to make sure everything has passed, but she also wanted me to call her Wednesday morning (today) to let her know yes or no on the bleeding and if we needed to schedule the surgery. So yesterday I get this call from her nurse basically saying "Dr. W just wanted me to call and see how things were going today, and to see if you are doing well and how the medication worked" So then I proceed to tell her everything started, etc etc. Anyways...I just thought it was super wonderful for her office to call like that because it makes me feel as if she really cares about me, the patient, as a person. Unlike my old Dr. Jackass, who by the way I ran in to at the grocery store Monday while getting my prescription, and he smiles and goes "hey, how is everything going?" Are you freaking kidding me? No, "Im sorry for what happened"...I just smiled and said fine...seriously, what a jerk. I really wish my OB would do my IF stuff, but she highly recommends the guy she is sending me to so I feel I will be pleased.

OK, back to the subject.....I can't wait to start TTC again! I am going to break out the BBT again in a few days to see when I O this "cycle" and when I can expect my next "real" AF. We aren't trying until then, but we aren't exactly preventing either. Then we decided to have one natural trying cycle (OPK's and all) before seeing our new RE on my first cycle of the new year. Right now I'm just praying it doesn't take months for me to get AF again. I can do 5-6 weeks...but months? Come on, I need a break somewhere right?

Oh, on another update front: I have a job interview next Tuesday! This is actually a job my manager recommended me for and although he doesn't want to lose me he realizes what a great opportunity it would be within our company (Not to mention better pay). I'm pretty excited to see what happens!

OK, there is my past few days in a nutshell =D

Sunday, November 11, 2007

My appt. is tomorrow

So, my follow up appt. is FINALLY here and tomorrow morning I am hoping to have this over with once and for all (or at least have a plan like a surgery date) if we end up needing that route. I have had some pretty decent cramping this weekend, but alas nothing to show for it. I have a feeling the doc is going to want to do the cytotek because it's the less invasive measure, however I've been thinking about this a bit and I'm not so sure. There is a chance the meds won't work. It will probably make me cramp, but it won't guarantee to start my m/c. I honestly think my doc didn't expect me to make it this long, but anyways. My other option is surgery, and I am thinking this may be a good thing and here's why.

Number one: It gets everything out in one fail swoop, and its more of a guarantee that everything is removed.

Number two: My lovely left ovary. Like I have mentioned before my left ovary causes me pain during every u/s and it was discovered it is hidden (and probably attached) to the back of my uterus. More recently I have noticed when I work out for more than 15 minutes my left side starts to ache and I'm pretty sure my ovary is to blame. So, given all of this ~I~ think it would be a good idea to schedule the D&C, and then while I'm already knocked out do another lap and check to see if it is endo causing the weirdness on my left side. If it is...remove it. Boom, two surgeries with one bill.

and oh yeah...Number three: Plain and simple I'm tired of fucking waiting =/ I want to TTC again and I want to TTC now!!!

Wednesday, November 7, 2007


I love this phrase, and I especially LOVE it when people completely get it wrong and really have no idea what they are talking about. Who or what decides when someone becomes "well-versed" at something...is it experience, education, the opinion of others, or can we self proclaim ourselves as "well-versed"? I think this latter option can just make you end up looking stupid in some instances. Case in point:

"If I get pregnant before I ovulate, would I still get the discharge like any other cycle?" This was a question posed on a message board I used to frequent quite regularly. After several ladies trying to politely tell this woman you cannot get pregnant before you ovulate, this was her response:

"Well I am pretty well versed with TTC and I know that you can get pregnant any day of your cycle...even during AF. " Then she proceeds to say: "I have tracked my CD and we go off that schedule of when to BD but a year later it is still not happening. ...... I guess I am just trying to give myself false hope of getting pregnant this cycle because we BD immediately after AF and none during my O because of our grueling and stressful work schedules."

I have a few issues with this. Number one, her question and statements contradict each other because she wants to know if she can get pregnant before she O's (an obvious no here) but then she goes on to say that she has been keeping track of her CD's to know when to BD. What exactly is she keeping track of if she thinks you can, and I quote "get pregnant any day of your cycle" AND if she actually believes that why does she think it is false hope if she BD'ed after AF and not around O. If she actually believed her own statement, it wouldn't matter when she BD'ed and her hope would not be *false*. Oh, and if she has no clue about the Oing thing, it's no surprise it has taken her over a year so far....stupidity is not a medical condition hun. And finally, a third thing...based on her question I am assuming this women is not getting her normal O EWCM (if she even knows what that is) this is most likely due to the fact she states later that she is completely stressed with work and such. Here's a lesson...your O is probably delayed from all the stress you are under, NOT the fact you got pregnant, haha.

Does this sound like a person who is "well-versed" to you? I think not...over and out!

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Update and silly myspace things

Update: I saw light brown spotting tonight! Watery, very light brown spotting....Ohmygosh, maybe this thing will happen in the next few days because it looks like what happens a day or two before my normal AF starts. Yay!!! I hope this isn't just a tease....

Got this on myspace...I liked it because it was pretty true, haha

AQUARIUS - The one every girl or boy needs
Great talker. Attractive and passionate. Laid back. Knows how to Have fun. Is really good at almost anything. Great kisser. Unpredictable. Outgoing. Down to earth. Attractive. Loud. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Good when found.

Am I one of the "unlucky ones"....or not?

Maybe simply the fact I have to ask that question implies that I am in fact NOT one of the unlucky ones, but it's definitely something that crossed my mind today. Just as a forewarning, I will be talking about my yet to miscarry miscarriage here....

So I have only recently entered into this world of "those who have lost" but there is one thing I've noticed. Although there is much camaraderie between women who have suffered this tragedy, like in IF there are different degrees of sadness and empathy one receives and even different degrees of joy when another BFP is granted. Losses can occur in many ways, obviously the most common being those in the first trimester in which a heartbeat is not detected or it is detected one week and not the next....or those that simply start bleeding before they ever get to their first appt. Then there are the losses that occur later on known as still births and babies that are so premature,they don't survive. See, even as you read this I bet your heart goes out *more* to the second scenario, which as I should mention, it completely should! But that also proves my point....within each world and journey for the illustrious chance at a family there are different variations in the way your own struggle is perceived.

However, let's get back to the more common first trimester loss since that is the one I am currently dealing with. Now, this is where my question of luck arises. Obviously anyone who has to suffer through this is considered unlucky...however, is there more that comes into play? For example, is someone who was NEVER able to conceive more or less lucky than someone who conceived and lost? I mentioned in an earlier post that I have been on both sides of the fence and there were times when I wished I would have never conceived at all because then I could go along my merry way of TTC (and I'm using the term *merry* lightly here) but at least it was something I was used to, something I knew how to handle. However, hindsight is 20/20 and it occurred to me the other day that maybe the fact I actually conceived and lost made the desire to create a family all the more intense, and now I want more than anything to keep trying, but maybe, just maybe if I haven't conceived on that last IUI my heart would have given up....I would have been defeated and stopped my active journey. Obviously right now I can't answer that one.

Now, let's move on to a different example....is someone who suffers a loss after struggling with IF more entitled to sympathy than someone who m/c on C3 or C6 or better yet, someone who only found out they were pregnant *because* they lost it. I think I'm on the fence about this one. Not because I think one m/c emotionally hurt more than the other (going back to the overall unlucky comment) but because statistically those who m/c early on in their TTC endeavors will most likely get pregnant again, and probably somewhat quickly (as in within the next 6 months to a year). Those who try for years and go through IF treatments to get pregnant, only to lose it, face the worry that since it took so long the first time it may take that long again, or perhaps never again. Also, in looking at IF treatments, those things are pretty damn expensive and if you know you have to go back to an IF treatment to get pregnant again you are faced with the financial burden again that you thought you were able to forget and put behind you. Now, don't get me wrong....I know babies and children aren't cheap, but to have to spend so much money on actually conceiving, then doing it all over again because the pregnancy wasn't successful sucks because even after all of that you are still faced with the issue of paying for the child. I know when I found out I was pregnant I was so glad I didn't have to spend anymore money on IF treatments (at least not for *this* child), and the fact I now I have do it all again when I thought I was done for now was disappointing and crushing.

Next, moving on to the way people actually m/c. Usually in 1st tri miscarriages a woman starts to bleed and it is usually right then she knows she lost it. Or, as I mentioned before you go to an u/s and don't find a heartbeat so a D&C is done and physically (emotionally is a whole different story) the woman and her partner can move on and decide to TTC again when they want. Then you have my situation....where, number one my first doctor lied to me, and number two, even after the m/c was confirmed (because the sacs and babies-or lack thereof, wasn't growing) but there were other issues, such as continually rising beta's or issues and pain with the u/s's that makes your doctor want to "wait it out" and "see what happens". Now usually I would say this waiting period is only a week or two before the doc decides to do a D&C or medicinally start the m/c...but what if you have several confusing u/s and beta numbers, then what? Well, I will tell you what....you wait. You wait for a crazy amount of time because nothing is really big enough to advise doing a D&C and your numbers are just low enough that they may fall and things will start naturally.....or, they may not but medically it is smart to wait. I found out I was going to lose my babies at 6w3d...right now I am 10w exactly and by my next appt I will be 11w exactly. That is over four weeks I have been carrying around an empty sac(s) (the small one dissolved sometime around 8 weeks). Thats four weeks of knowing I will not be pregnant at thanksgiving like I was supposed to, but still technically pregnant right now which means I can't even try again and I'm in this sucky abyss of nothing (Yes Nancy, your last post prompted this one, lol). So, you tell me...is knowing all of this information early and told to "wait it out", or finding out later in the first tri and having everything taken care of, or just starting to bleed before you know something is wrong...more unlucky (or more lucky, if you wish to use it in that terms)?

P.S-I also must put out there that this is not directed toward anyone or one particular situation and I am completely empathetic for ALL m/c's because I've been there....this is simple an observation for today ;-)

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Wow....what a weekend....

Like I said, wow....what a weekend. It started off bad, got a little worse but fortunately today is OK. There were a lot of things that can to the surface this weekend, but the main one had to do with my Masters program. Essentially it is slowly tearing apart my marriage because for the past month I have done nothing but work on all the assignments, discussion boards, and papers that were due...on top of being at work full time. My husband and I were living in the same house but living completely separate lives, and it took a toll. For once, I think I bit off more than I could chew. After the classes I am already in end I am going to drop down to part time and only take one class at a time (or maybe occasionally two) but most likely one depending on my new job situation at work. I will blog more about this later once I get a definite answer. I didn't realize how much stress this would take. I certainly still want to finish my Masters, but I realized finishing it as quickly as possible is not worth the relationship with my husband. Last night he told me he missed me and that school had taken me away from him...quite frankly he's right. I hope things will get better from here on out, because at least now we found the problem and I am going to fix it as soon as I can. Today is much better than yesterday, so it's definitely a start.