Happy Anniversary to Me! (warning: trigs ahead)

Today...May 7th, is my 3rd wedding anniversary. Gosh, so much has happened in 3 years....in three years, DH and I have moved three times, he helped me through the stroke and death of my grandmother, both changed jobs, purchased our first home, bought 2 dogs, TTC'd for 32 months (29 cycles plus a 3 month mandatory break) including IF treatments, got through a miscarriage (hence the "mandatory break") and are now navigating pregnancy. Whew, haha! So, before I get into the heavy part of this post, I want to share some pictures of that wonderful day that started it all (btw, there is quite a few. My photographer took almost 800 pictures so you are lucky I narrowed it down this far, haha)....

Our Cake (vineyard was the theme)

DH before the wedding

Moi!

DH's look when he first saw me coming down the aisle. I LOVE the fact our photographer caught this because it is something I would have never seen otherwise.

Standing at the alter. I wanted to add this picture in so you could see how our wedding was set up outside.


The flower girls (i.e-My nieces)

My parents and I.

Our wedding party.

The next three pictures are of Thomas and I, and the photographer used several special effects for the final result. The "Sepia Kiss" actually won an East Coast photography contest!


First Dance.

Dance with Dad. I love my expression in this picture.

The car....Get R Done was compliments of my brother and a bottle of cheez whiz, lol.

Walking out to leave and seeing the car for the first time.

Off we go!!!!

Lastly (although this picture-on our honeymoon- is a bit blurry) I put it in so you could see how long my hair had to be for the style I wore in my wedding. For the record, it took almost 3 hours to pin-up!

Now, other than the fact I'm excited about today, there is also this weird, surreal feeling because as a lot of IFers can attest too things like holidays, birthdays and anniversaries always remind you of "what if's" or "what should have beens". It also has you thinking if "next year at this time, will I have a baby?", and each year that goes by when that doesn't happen is utterly heartbreaking. It actually gets to the point where you expect the next year to be exactly like the one now....childless, because a lot of the hope is gone. When DH and I got pregnant with the twins that was the first thing that crossed our mind....NEXT Thanksgiving will be different, NEXT Christmas will be spent with a baby....but when we m/c'd all of those dreams were taken away. So when the holidays rolled around after our m/c, we mourned the should have beens. Little did we know that we would become pregnant again just in time to still have those same changed holidays, anniversaries and birthdays. I'm a bit overwhelmed by this thought actually. I'm elated it's actually happening and I'm sad (and feeling a bit guilty) for those it won't happen too. If all goes as planned....this is the last anniversary DH will be just a family of two, this is the last Mother's day I won't have a child in the room as well, the last Father's Day for DH (and although yes, we are parents to be, you know what I mean here....the physical presence of a baby). It's amazing....it's humbling, and quite frankly, and as I said a bit emotionally overwhelming and surreal as well.

Milestones

27w2d......third tri......yeah, that's crazy. I can't even imagine being there right now. Although it is odd because there are times I find myself looking in the mirror, and in my head I am imagining my supposed to be belly.....wow, I am talking a lot about my m/c lately, huh?

Speaking of milestones....my EDD for this IUI would be Nov. 28th. If my baby is born between 37 and 38 weeks it will arrive the week of my loss. How is that for timing?

Oh and Jen....to answer your question about whether you think you will be jealous (envious and upset maybe?) of people with babies around the same age yours should have been.....I can say I already do that. For example, a few weeks after my m/c I went to the salon to get a pedicure and while I was there a woman brought in a baby around 6 months old. Now, this baby was her granddaughter and in all honesty I pictured some unwed, teenage child as her mother because the comment was made that they all live together......but anyways I digress. So after a few minutes it hits me....my babies would be right around that age this time next year (next year being 2008, as this happened in 2007). I couldn't even stand to look at that baby anymore (and she was super cute!)....I started to get teary eyed so it was a good thing I was just finishing up and didn't have sit there any longer. I think there will always be that part of your heart that imagines what life would have been even when life is great. Even when another baby comes around, there is always that thought of "this should be my second". I can't stand the fact I am no longer "prima gravida" and no baby to show for it. Of course you will love the new baby with that same fierceness....similarly like I am hoping and praying for a second chance just as hard as I wished for the first....but it is always there. At least I think it is....maybe others would disagree.

A day of remembering....

A little bit ago Calliope at Creating Motherhood came up with the idea of a day of remembrance for all pregnancy losses, neonatal death, and stillborns. Simply a day to remember....today is that day: Leap day, Feb. 29th....and every Feb. 29th to come. Although every mother can attest to the fact the memories of our lost dreams enter our mind on a daily basis, it is nice to have a day set aside that wasn't a due date, or a birthday, or pregnancy/childhood milestone....something unrelated to the loss itself (unless of course someone suffered any of the above on Feb. 29th, and then this day is exponentially important) but for me and my loss, Feb. 29th held no importance until now. So today, I will remember...just because, and I will share.

This whole blog was created because of my miscarriage. I had been trying for 2 years prior to my BFP and involved with IF treatments for one, but even with that struggle I never felt compelled enough to start writing about it. I had my outlet of close IF friends, and that is all I needed.....they understood, they consoled me, they celebrated with me. I do sometimes wish that I had an account of that time pre-m/c...although I remember it, it certainly would have been interesting to read. However, I digress a little bit. Even after that 3rd IUI when I found out I was pregnant I didn't blog, at least not online. Of course I had started my personal pregnancy journal, but after being in the IF world for so long I almost felt the need to keep everything private because none of my friends were pregnant, and I didn't want to hurt them. Then, IT happened.....

What happened was I had a questionable u/s at 6w1d with my RE....two very small sacs, no yolk sac, no fetal pole (and with that obviously no heartbeat). Two days later my heart knew this wasn't right and went back to my normal OB.....impending miscarriage confirmed but as we later found out still a slowly rising beta. The scientist in me knew this was never going to work out right, but the mother in me never stopped hoping....and that is why it hurt so bad. I must confess here that each u/s I had in the weeks following (while I waited to m/c) I secretly wished and prayed to see at least one baby....one real baby....one tiny miracle....but there was none, and eventually my body figured that out and it was over. I was unpregnant again, forced to TTC again, I was hurt, I was angry, my faith was shaken. This was not supposed to happen to me, and that is what compelled me to start writing. I desperately wanted to seek out women who this had happened to as well, I wanted to hear their stories, and in some strange way I wanted to feel their pain because now I understood it. I thought sharing the pain somehow made it more bearable, and in a way, it did. I also wrote this blog for others......I wanted to help women who go through this after me. I know that when I lurk on blogs I feel inspired by the strength and courage of ladies who keep going, who keep looking forward, who survive....I hope this blog is like that for someone. In fact I got a lovely comment recently that validated that need to help, and although knowing another person is out there struggling like I did is never nice....MY blog showed them they weren't alone....sharing the story of my babies served it's purpose, and it made me smile.

Oh goodness, my babies.....my sweet little angels.....how I miss you. I tasted pure love with your existence, and my heart aches for that again. This was a fierce love....a motherly love...a love beyond all other...and maybe most importantly...an immediate love. Your time with me was so short, yet it changed me forever. One night I dreamed of you...I dreamed of me being pregnant, talking to you, rubbing my belly...that was a wonderful night. I wrote a letter to you once, and I cried the whole time. I will never understand why you couldn't stay....why your lives, which would have been so fulfilled with so many things, were never able to exist. Forgive me, for I have yet to find something to symbolize you today....nothing seems quite perfect enough...I know you will understand. However, I will leave you with these pictures...because you never got to see the beach, our beach...I know you would have loved it.

The universe is funny, updated

Wait, did I say funny? I meant to say kinda cruel in an up-yours sort of way. Here is my morning story....intended to be funny, mildly inappropriate, yet the intentions didn't make it hurt any less.

So a few minutes ago as I was walking down the hall when a co-worker of mine caught me and said he had something to ask. This is a pretty usual thing given that he oversees the PA labs and I oversee the Biomed labs; so he is always asking me stuff about supplies and ordering and such. The conversation went as follows:

Him: "Hey Katie, I need to ask you something, I already asked Gayle (our secretary) but she turned me down"

Me: "Sure Chip, whatcha need?"

Him: "Well see on April 7th the PA's are doing their OB demonstrations and we need some volunteers ya know." (he starts laughing....he is a bit of a kidder all the time)

Me (realizing he is joking, but still a bit stunned): "Oh, haha, I don't think so"

Him: "Oh, come on...maybe you can work something in between now and then....we'll even pay ya!" (more chuckling)

Me: "Ha, I still don't think so....now if you would be willing to pay for me to GET pregnant we may have a deal" and then I laugh and walk off.

Do I even need to post a huge fat OUCH right here? Unfortunately what he didn't know is that if things hadn't gone awry (a bit of a side note, but do you ladies-who this applies too-find it odd how you word your m/c sometimes.....for example phrases like "if things had gone better", "gone awry", "if everything turned out" or "unfortunate event" come to mind) Anyways....what he didn't know is I could have actually participated in this lab (because in reality they do take volunteers for such things).....in fact I could have been a great example because I had twins! What an AWESOME learning experience I would have been! Also what he doesn't know is those babies took a very long time to conceive and I'm not sure when that will happen again.....I can't just whip up pregnancies in a few months. Lastly....I'm nearing the end of my 1WW and in all odds will get AF in roughly 4-5 days....yippee. I snapped at DH for something stupid this morning so I'm pretty sure slight PMS is setting in.

Speaking of AF showing up....my cousin is on the verge of delivering in the next week or so...her BP is still slowly creeping up and she is seeing her doc twice a week. All along the doc said she would be lucky to make it to 36 weeks and she will be 36 weeks on Sunday......I highly expect her to deliver during AF because that would be the icing to my infertile cake.

OK, so I forgot to add this in: A student (who I do actually like she just doesn't *know*) came into my office to be tutored. She saw the picture of my dog and asked if she was mine....yup. Then she saw a picture of myself surrounded by my nieces and nephew at Christmas on my desk and goes "Oh, are those your nieces and nephews?" (to which I respond yes) and then she goes "Well, I can see why you don't have any children yet, they look like a handful"

Really? Seriously?.....Yes, really, seriously these were my morning conversations.

What a sad face.....

That's what one of the guests at the shower said to me after she took an unexpected picture. She was a friend of my cousin's, not family, so she probably didn't have any idea about the m/c. However, I survived....it was like a knife in my heart (or gut, whichever you prefer) for an hour and half, but I lived through it. It was definitely bittersweet....I almost lost it when the dad-to-be put a monogrammed burp cloth over his shoulder, and all I could imagine was DH holding our little baby. Then I almost lost it again when my cousin started thanking everyone for coming and celebrating such a great miracle, etc, etc....her husband was holding her hand and then he kissed her.....yeah, that hurt. She will be 34 weeks tomorrow....I would have been 24 (our turnover day was the same-Sunday). She will probably have her baby in two weeks (health issues), and all odds are I will be starting AF. Hey, maybe I can get a surprise BFP on the day he is born.....I think God has a sense of humor like that sometimes....although maybe just thinking that I ruined my own surprise....damn.

Get the crash cart!!

Contrary to popular belief I am still alive over here. I know people have said it before, but it is weird how there is so much less to talk about when you aren't really "actively" TTC. Lately life has been hectic...work is busy...I'm trying to find another part time job to have "direct patient contact" for the PA program I want to apply too....we are looking into getting a loan to fix up the house...all sorts of things.

There really isn't a lot going on with the TTC front (obviously) except for the fact spot hung around for a few days longer than normal and we are just going to FD whenever we want (let's just say it was a happy night in the Major household when the Giants won the super bowl.) However, DH and I did talk about what we want to do after this cycle is up since now have a "deadline" for TTC...and here are our options:

~Keep "relaxing"....less stress, better sex, but most likely won't make a baby.

~Go back to Dr. W for another IUI and get great care, but pay more out of pocket (oh and don't forget the travel and going back and forth between clinics)

~Suck it up and go back to Dr. JA for another IUI because he is closer AND cheaper. As much as it sucks he is the only doctor right now who has A.) Gotten me pregnant and B.) Has a current, hands-on knowledge of my cycles for the past year and a half. However, this option comes with stipulations....I want to sit down and discuss what happened with him before my next baseline. I want to know why he didn't tell me the truth on my first u/s and why I never heard the first "I'm sorry for what happened to you" from him in person (I have run into him twice since the m/c) or from the office in general. No, I don't want him to apologize for my m/c because it wasn't his fault....I was going to m/c regardless of who's care I was in, but I want a sympathy apology. I want a fucking acknowledgment for what happened. I realize m/c is common in the OB world....but when you are an IF patient and have been going to that clinic for over a year...yes, I expect an "I'm sorry, come back and see us when you are ready to try again". And they can't say they "didn't know" because I had to call personally and cancel my 2nd u/s with him stating "I didn't need it anymore" Um, BIG clue right there, and I know my OB called and talked to him personally because she said she did.

~Lastly, suck it up, get a loan for IVF, put off fixing the house(to the extent we want) and go back to Dr. W. because Dr. JA doesn't do IVF.

Oh decisions, decisions.....

Just because

My cousin's baby shower is next weekend...on the 9th. She only tried for 6 months.....she was 10 weeks ahead of me....we even went to a birth convention together in town....I remember being so excited then. I remember thinking how great it is our kids would be so close because, although not in age, my cousin and I are very close. I remember thinking that at her baby shower I would have my own little belly...I remember thinking we would be swapping new mom stories at family get-togethers.

Funny thing about her only trying 6 months though is that she has a history of long cycles so her doctor wanted her to do a progesterone test to see about PCOS an anovulation, but she ordered it on cd21. When the results came back her nurse told her the level was .1, she didn't ovulate, and they were referring her to an RE for infertility testing and possible treatment. She was freaked out so she called me because she knows I have been through infertility myself. I calmly told her that since her cycles are longer, she probably didn't ovulate on cd14, making the P test at cd21 invalid...it doesn't mean she's not ovulating, it means she hasn't ovulated yet or she ovulated much later than they expected. Two weeks later my mom calls and tells me my cousin is pregnant. Yeah, and since everyone who reads this is familiar with the TTC timeline....she probably conceived that night I talked to her. Irony is a bitch sometimes, but I digress.

As for the baby shower thing, there are a few people who know what happened during my SIL's baby shower (I didn't have a blog then, sorry) and I fully think (because of that) everyone is expecting me to be frigid during this one as well because THIS time I'm not only dealing with IF but I'm dealing with my m/c too. Oh, and it's not for certain if my mom is going because of things between her and the aforementioned SIL who happens to be co-hosting the shower. That sucks because my Mom was my only saving grace last time. I've been dreading this day for a long time....dreading her birth even more because her baby's birth marked the nearing of MY baby's birth. I'm not sure if people in my family feel sorry for me or think I'm pathetic.....no one has really talked to me about how it felt when I went through my m/c. Of course I got the cards and the occasional hug for no reason....but no one really asked because most likely no one wanted to hear. They didn't want to hear about how I tried to hold my composure while getting that beta knowing what it would tell me. They didn't want to hear about how I had tried so hard for this. They didn't want to know about the Saturday morning I couldn't get out of bed because all I wanted to do was cry. They don't want to know I still keep my pregnancy journal because I simply don't know what to do with it. They don't want to know about the bouncy seat, diaper bag and spare car seat that now sits in my basement, unused and discarded....the onsies we bought at Target because we couldn't resist (because of course we were immune to m/c ::sigh::) that are stilling hanging in the closet....the maternity announcement shirts now folded in my drawer. The truth is, no one in my family (except maybe my mom) really cares about this stuff....at least that is how it feels.

What brought about all of these feelings right now you ask? Well, I had been feeling them for awhile now but I found this list posted on a blog called "Our Daughters Have Wings" and it all came pouring out. Even though I lost my twins in the first trimester, everything is all so true and so unbelievably heart-wrenching....Here it goes:

20 Things Parents of Angels Wish People Would Remember

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my babies. The truth is just because you never saw my babies doesn't mean they don't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about my babies and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my babies. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my babies with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about my babies more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my babies. The truth is I love my babies and need to talk about them.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my babies died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my babies, the love I feel for my babies, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my babies are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that my babies never existed. The truth is we both know I had babies growing inside me.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing my babies doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you wouldn't think that my babies weren't really babies and they were blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my babies were human lives. My babies had souls, hearts, bodies, legs, arms and faces. I have seen my babies' bodies and faces. My babies were real people - and they were alive.

13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my babies were born and the days I lost my babies are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing my babies has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the babies I lost and no other baby can replace them. Babies aren't interchangeable. Besides, you do not know whether we have fertility problems too.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my babies or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that it's natures way of telling me something was wrong with my babies. The truth is my babies were perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?

It's exactly 5:05 AM

and I can't sleep. Maybe it's because I started AF again or maybe it's because this is technically only my 2nd "real" AF post-m/c I'm not exactly sure, but whatever the reason I can't stop dreaming about it. "It" being pregnancy loss....my pregnancy loss, maybe pregnancy loss in general and the fact I am supposed to be pregnant right now. Tonight for some strange reason I keep dreaming about June 3rd....I'm honestly glad I'm not dreaming about going through my m/c again, but dealing with my due date is almost just as sad. A couple things stick out for me in this one...one, I am writing a letter to my babies of course to wish them happy birthday (although most likely they would have been early, twins and all). Does anyone else out there who has gone through a m/c find it odd that you will never really know your baby's "true" birthday? Of course the due date is the best candidate to honor this, but let's face it, only about 10% of babies come on their actual due date....however I digress.

Also, in my dream it is unclear if I am pregnant again because I can't see myself. Actually, this dream really isn't visual at all, it's more focused on the way I feel that day. Maybe this confusion of pregnancy is a manifestation of my current state of not "actively" TTC, because although there is no guarantee I would be pregnant again before my due date even when were were TTC, wouldn't you agree there is a bit more uncertainty with the "just relax" method? ;-) Anyways, maybe this concept makes me sad in my dream, but again it's unclear. The one thing I can remember about my "dream" tonight is the feeling of it all being surreal. Surreal knowing that I was supposed to be a mom by June 3rd, and surreal knowing I won't be. I woke up wanting to rub my belly because I would be a nice rounded 21 weeks by now (to be honest with you I had to look that up because at this point I stopped counting). I imagined coming into my living room right now and talking to them in the wee hours of the morning instead of writing this. See, surreal I tell ya because I can't even grasp that concept right now. But at the same time this surreality is stemming from the fact I am almost forgetting that I am supposed to be pregnant at this point in time...it's like it never even happened.....which is why thinking about June 3rd is so odd for me, and quite frankly I don't want to dream about it anymore.

IUI Silliness...

So I was thinking about my IUI today since I am exactly 7dpiui (actually almost to the exact hour because DH and I walked out of the docs office 20 minutes ago last week), and then I started thinking of the silly things I do during an IUI 2WW. Of course I take my vitamins and drink water like normal, but check this weird stuff out:

~ The night after the IUI I sleep on the side I know my egg(s) are in hopes the sperm will swim that way (gravity, right? haha)

~Then around 5-7ish dpo I try to sleep on the opposite side to aid any fertilized egg out of my tubes and actually into my uterus (I have a huge fear of ectopic)

~Starting at about 7dpo I squeeze my boobs on a daily basis just to see if they are getting sore or more full.....yeah, this one is fairly standard

~No jumping, bouncing, or heavy lifting (don't want to interfere with implantation you know, sheesh) I still exercise at least 4 times a week, I just forgo my hip hop dance.

~Here's a new one: I am now comparing everything I feel or notice to my last "successful" 2WW. This sucks for several reasons....one, it gives me something else to obsess over, two, I think it creates a hope that may not have been there before and three, the rational side of me knows this is crazy because even on the off chance this works again it doesn't mean my "symptoms" will be the same.

So, there is my list of completely ridiculous (and sometimes irrational) 2WW oddities, and as strange as this is, I know I'm not the only one.....so I want to know, what do you do "different"?

Talking through my panic attack....

So I am sitting at my desk today (surprisingly I DO have a lot to get done today) and I start getting some little ovary growing pains....makes sense, they are doing what they are supposed to be doing so I start thinking about my u/s and IUI and am starting to get a bit panicky. I am well aware there is probably no need to worry about this, but lets face it, it's what I do, and here's what is crossing my mind.

~I am using the EXACT same protocol as my last "successful" IUI: 100mg clomid cd3-7 and 75IU's of Follistim cd8-11.

~Now, on my last cycle I had my first (and ended up being only) u/s on cd11 in which I already had a 20mm follie on one side and a 14mm on the other. One was definitely mature and I will admit the other may have benefited from more growing time. But, if you think about this, since I didn't O until cd14 those follies could have potentially grew to 24mm and 18mm by the time they released (which obviously if you know my history, both did).

~Subsequently my trigger shot was done late night on cd12 with an IUI on early cd14.

~My first u/s for this cycle isn't even until cd13...two days later than "normal" for me. So if I have my u/s, I can get my trigger that evening and have my IUI the morning of cd15 at the earliest.

Now, after saying all of that I know in the long run a day doesn't make that much of a difference (or you can argue that a day does make a difference when dealing with O), but all of the sudden I feel like that is too late for me. I have had an IUI on cd15 before, but I was only on 50mg of clomid, not 100, and there was no FSH involved....so it would make sense if my egg wasn't quite ready on cd14. Also, I should have mentioned that my first IUI was on cd13, which I believe was too early and I didn't O until the next day (essentially being too late since washed sperm don't last as long), and I have come to learn I consistently O about 36 hours post trigger, not 24 like my first IUI protocol.

I think this is all about trust and control for me though. I love my new RE, I really do and I KNOW he is different than my last one, but given my history I am finding it a bit hard to trust my doc in this position because with Dr. JA he never listened to me, but I always ended up being right...about my IUI timing, about my response to the meds, about my m/c...the list can go on and on. Him trying to control me and my body without listening to what I had to say caused me a lot of heartache....and that is hard to get over. Again, I need to reiterate that I do love my new doc...by all first impressions I get a sense he really cares about me getting pregnant, not just for this success rates, but because I am a person, and his patient. So in my head I know he knows what he is going, and I need to give him a chance without prejudice...even if it means him learning about my body from failed cycles.

Lastly, it just crossed my mind that I'm not sure if my insurance will cover my mid-cycle u/s if it's not done at my actual infertility clinic...crap...oh well, not much I can do about it now huh? Oh and, I did call my doc to let him know where I was in my cycle, and I am going to asked about maybe getting my first u/s on cd12 instead of 13 and about the IUI timing in both cases....so I may have an update about all of this later today once his nurse calls me back.

Oh, and no one really needs to comment unless they want to...this post was really just me rambling and typing out what I was thinking...it makes me feel better =)

Happy and Sad

First of all, I need to announce I actually made Mel's blog roll and I'm really excited! Whoa, little ol' new blogger me made THE LIST....Rock On!!! =D. Another happy notion: work let us out an hour early. At 3:30 the email went out that administration was letting us go at four....happy holidays, haha. Because of this, I got to wrap DH b-day gifts before he got home, and put a few final touches in his stocking....sweet =).

OK, here is my sad confession. I think I realized today that even though I am doing well with the m/c and super excited about moving on....hello 8dpo, come on AF and the meds begin ;-)....I am also still dealing, and I know this because I started crying in my car on the way home from work. Not sobbing crying, but a few tears definitely slid out. I was listening to that song "Laugh Until We Cried" by Jason Aldean and of course the last verse goes as such:

Just the other night the baby was cryin
So I got out of bed rocked her awhile and I held her tight
And I told her it would be all right
My mind went back to a few years ago
We tried so long, we almost gave up hope
And I remember you comin' in and tellin me the news
Oh man we were livin, goin crazy in the kitchen
We danced and screamed and held each other tight
We laughed until we cried

This song affects me in many ways. One, it of course has an overwhelming tone on infertility, which makes me sad for everyone (including myself) struggling with it.....why is it so hard sometimes? Why do you never hear of "bad" people having infertility? Secondly, again an obvious notion, but the end of the verse (and inherently the beginning) means they succeeded. It means finally getting that illustrious BFP. It sums up the emotions you feel right at that second when you and your spouse realize you are having a baby; it captures the moment perfectly. It seems silly now, but when I first got my solid, without a doubt BFP.....I laughed....I was feeling so much right then and there it all manifested and bubbled up as a laugh because I didn't know what else to do. So I did actually "laugh until I cried". I remember seeing DH's face when I verified it to him (I gave him a diaper bag and told him Happy Fathers Day-we were due June 3rd-and I told him he would need it by then)...he laughed, he cried, and so did I, he hugged me. I remember eating dinner (he stopped and got subs because that is what I really wanted) in disbelief....smiling and not even realizing it and not being able to prevent it. I couldn't have frowned if someone paid me. As cliche as it is, I was immediately glowing. At that moment, 2 years didn't matter, because in 9 months we would have a baby...in 9 short months, a whole new journey would begin....the journey we hoped for, the journey we prayed for...and as terrible as it is, the journey we paid for.....beautiful isn't it? Thirdly, I was crying because of all the women I know of who have never experienced that moment, those who want it so desperately...I wish I could bottle that moment and share it...just to give them more hope, to let them get a glimpse of what they are working towards when the rainclouds keep pouring, and the hurt in their heart is almost unbearable. Next, I cried for all of the countless women who had that moment, lived that moment, and then had it ripped away....replaced with the sadness of losing a baby. Lastly, I cried for myself....I cried for my babies, and I cried because THIS Christmas was supposed to different....this Christmas I should be 17 weeks pregnant....this time next year my babies would be 6 months old....But alas, this Christmas is exactly like last Christmas, and the one before that....and I'm really hoping next Christmas won't be the same.

Although, even through all of that I am actually very optimistic about my first cycle with the new Doc...is it selfish of me to hope it only takes one more time? I guess that is what we all wish huh.....maybe THIS time.

The dumbest of places....

So, all in all I would say that I have handled my m/c fairly well. I had two "major" breakdowns, one the day we found out and one several days after, but since then I have been so engrossed in the medical aspect of what was happening and so concentrated on moving on I haven't really been sad anymore. Maybe that is a good thing, but maybe not depending on who you ask. DH and I even got this little, silver ornament in honor of our babies that has two angels on it as a scroll that says "In loving memory" and a poem with it; you can see it here

The poem that goes with it always makes me tear up just a little, but I thought I would write them out (even though they are fairly well known)...

If Tears Could Build A Stairway

If tears could build a stairway
And memories were a lane
We would walk right up to Heaven
And bring you back again

No farewell words were spoken
No time to say goodbye
You were gone before we knew it
And only God knows why

Our hearts still ache in sadness
And secret tears still flow
What it meant to lose you
No on will ever know

But know we know you want us
To mourn for you no more
To remember all the happy times
Life still has much in store

Since you’ll never be forgotten
We pledge to you today
A hallowed place within our hearts
Is where you’ll always stay

Author Unknown

Anyways, my point is...for the most part, DH and I are doing OK in that department. We can talk about it without being sad, and we are really looking forward to continuing our journey. Well, this brings me to yesterday, and the original purpose for this blog. Yesterday morning I went to get my regular pedicure, and right as I was finishing up another lady walked into the room for her manicure appt. and she was carrying a baby carrier. Turns out it was her grandbaby, and I am assuming the mother is younger because this lady looked a little young to be a grandmother already and she mentioned the fact they all live at her house, but I digress. This baby was absolutely adorable! She actually looked a lot like two of my nieces so maybe that is why I thought she was so cute...they had the exact same big, baby blue eyes ;-). So I go on to learn that the little one is about 6 months old....how sweet right? THEN I realize that my babies would have been that exact age this time next year because my EDD was June, 3rd, and THAT hurt. THAT thought made me cry a little....not a lot, and really not enough for anyone to notice, just a tear or two, but it was the first time in what feels like a long time I was actually sad about it.

Sometimes it's the most random, little things huh?

Hmm, been awhile, yes?

Wow...I sort of crapped out on the blog thing lately huh? Apparently life got busy, or in the midst of the normal chaos there wasn't anything important to say, one or the other ;-)

I do actually have an update in the TTC world (surprising, I know, haha). I have my first consult appt. with the new RE, woo-hoo!!! It is Dec. 7th and an entire hour is set aside for me and my fertility stuff. We will do the typical meet and greet, talk about my journey so far and see what my future options are. I am actually really excited to have a fresh set of eyes take a look at my infertility issues and see if he has any new ideas on what is "wrong". Hopefully, if all goes well we will do our first medicated cycle with this new doc in Jan. Now depending on how my off cycle goes this time, it will either be my first real bleed from the m/c or there will be a natural cycle in between. DH and I really wanted to get through the holidays without worrying about medications to pay for and ultrasounds. Plus, if I start my IUI cycle before Jan. 1st and get pregnant then my STD, which becomes effective at the start of the new year, may not cover my maternity leave.

Also, on my list of things to do is write my ob/gyn's office a thank you letter for how well I was treated during that whole m/c stuff. It's nice to actually feel like a person and not just a patient number for the day, especially with things so emotional as that. Maybe I will send a treat too, it is the holidays after all =)

And finally, there are some ladies that I would really like to send my hugs and thoughts out too-Nancy, Ashely, Jenn, Tammy, Kelly, Jen, Jewels, and Mon. It seems like in the IF world, there is ALWAYS bad news, and lately the shit just keeps getting shoveled onto those who really don't deserve it. I wish nothing but the best for everyone dealing with IF, but for the group of people I have truly grown to know as friends, watching their disappointment is almost worse than going through it myself.

Throwing this out there....

I wanted to repost a little tidbit I posted on a message board. To put this next blurb into perspective for those reading it, this was directed toward a group of good ladies just starting out in the TTC world who noticed that some of us "oldies" were being more brazen in our bitter bitchiness sometimes. My hopes for writing it was to give them a perspective on the journey and how perspectives will change.

"Someone made the comment about remembering what it was like early in your journey when it came to BFNs and hope and disappointment....so I did, I sat down and really thought about it. I remember my early months, I remember being crushed because I just knew I was pregnant on C3 and when I wasn't I thought it was the end of the world. When I hit C9 and realized I *might* be looking at IF I made the arguement that my pain was just as worse as those who had been trying for years because no matter what the situation a BFN still hurt....and I know now I was only half right. I will admit the disappointment is still the same....getting your hopes squashed with the arrival of AF sucks no matter what....but because I am now one of those who have been working at this for so long (although not as long as some, so I do still realize my "place" in this) I understand now the pain and stress is completely different....I only thought I knew BFN pain until I got here, and I thought this would sum it up.....

In my first year of trying, BFN's sucked because I had such high hopes....they sucked because I was naive and thought everything was a pregnancy symptom....they sucked because I just knew it was supposed to happen.

Now with my (and people like myself) BFN's there is a whole added dimension. Now with a BFN I don't just cry, I grieve.....I grieve because I know enough to know it probably wasn't going to happen but I hope anyways because I want to be a mother so bad I taste it.....I grieve for the next holiday that will pass without my baby.....I grieve for my husband who now cries with me

In my first year of trying I debated about spending the money on OPK's and when to take them, and how long to wait to pee in the afternoon. I had questions about my chart and when I O'd, did we have sex enough and if 15 minutes in the morning will really make a difference. The only money I had to worry about was that 12 bucks on a box of OPK's and the occasional pregnancy test.....

Now is different. Each failed cycle usually means throwing 1000's down the drain....I don't have to worry about OPK's anymore because I get to inject myself and have multiple u/s to check my follie growth. Sex isn't an issue....as long as he can do it in a cup. Each new cycle brings the stress of wondering if you can pay for all the treatments you need.....and it means giving up months at a time when the budget is too tight.....

In my first year of trying I never had to cancel or postpone vacations because of my cycle or base my own schedule around driving 2 hours to see an RE

In my first year of trying I just knew it would happen....now I know am lucky as hell if it does...and better yet, if it sticks....because now I know that regardless of what I went through to get pregnant...that's the easy part.

My point of all of this is....you don't realize what perspective you will gain on this journey as a whole until you do it....when I first started I just knew my pain and disappointment was the same as those who had done it much longer....I was wrong, because the pain and stress and disappointment is different. When I first started trying I just knew that if it didn't happen in a year I would stop....I was wrong, because over the years my desire grew. When I first started I just knew as soon as I got pregnant it meant I would be a mom.....I was wrong and have two angel babies to prove it. When I first started I thought "that won't happen to me"...I was wrong, because it DID happen to me and my respect for those who have gone through this before me, those who have done it longer and those who have spent more money has only grown. Honestly, when I first started out, I was selfish because I could only compare how bad MY journey was...how much MY BFN's hurt....without looking at how good I might really have it. I thought "how dare you say my hurt isn't as bad as yours, how do you know how I feel....this journey is bad for everyone"....but in the end, I was only half right, because I had only gone through half my journey."

Updates, Updates.....some TMI

OK, so my doctor's appt. went well on Monday. She did a pelvic to make sure my uterus wasn't tender (indicating infection) and then did an u/s to see what had been going on these past few weeks. From the u/s she could tell that my tissue was starting to detach, so we decided to go the cytotek route to move this process along. So, I insert four little white pills into my nether regions Monday night before bed and sure enough about an hour later I start to cramp. Then I start to cramp bad. It was rough...I had continuous cramping for about 6 hours, I took several tylenol, got up and walked around, used the fetal position, got out my exercise ball, had to use relaxation techniques, the whole deal....I even got nauseated several times. Finally after a night of no sleep Tuesday morning arrived and so did AF, in all it's heavy glory. Yesterday sucked royally with the cramping and crazy bleeding, but at least the damn stuff worked and I am officially miscarrying. I even passed a funny looking clot that I actually assume was "the" clot. It was almost in two parts, one was about the size of a ping pong ball and it was connected to something else about the size of a medium grape. After that passed my cramping picked up a bit for about an hour, but since then my bleeding slowed down and right now it's pretty much like a normal-ish AF as far as flow and cramping.

Also, I have the greatest doc ever! Although I wish she would have decided to do things earlier, I still love her and her whole office. I made another f/u appt with her for next Monday to make sure everything has passed, but she also wanted me to call her Wednesday morning (today) to let her know yes or no on the bleeding and if we needed to schedule the surgery. So yesterday I get this call from her nurse basically saying "Dr. W just wanted me to call and see how things were going today, and to see if you are doing well and how the medication worked" So then I proceed to tell her everything started, etc etc. Anyways...I just thought it was super wonderful for her office to call like that because it makes me feel as if she really cares about me, the patient, as a person. Unlike my old Dr. Jackass, who by the way I ran in to at the grocery store Monday while getting my prescription, and he smiles and goes "hey, how is everything going?" Are you freaking kidding me? No, "Im sorry for what happened"...I just smiled and said fine...seriously, what a jerk. I really wish my OB would do my IF stuff, but she highly recommends the guy she is sending me to so I feel I will be pleased.

OK, back to the subject.....I can't wait to start TTC again! I am going to break out the BBT again in a few days to see when I O this "cycle" and when I can expect my next "real" AF. We aren't trying until then, but we aren't exactly preventing either. Then we decided to have one natural trying cycle (OPK's and all) before seeing our new RE on my first cycle of the new year. Right now I'm just praying it doesn't take months for me to get AF again. I can do 5-6 weeks...but months? Come on, I need a break somewhere right?

Oh, on another update front: I have a job interview next Tuesday! This is actually a job my manager recommended me for and although he doesn't want to lose me he realizes what a great opportunity it would be within our company (Not to mention better pay). I'm pretty excited to see what happens!

OK, there is my past few days in a nutshell =D

My appt. is tomorrow

So, my follow up appt. is FINALLY here and tomorrow morning I am hoping to have this over with once and for all (or at least have a plan like a surgery date) if we end up needing that route. I have had some pretty decent cramping this weekend, but alas nothing to show for it. I have a feeling the doc is going to want to do the cytotek because it's the less invasive measure, however I've been thinking about this a bit and I'm not so sure. There is a chance the meds won't work. It will probably make me cramp, but it won't guarantee to start my m/c. I honestly think my doc didn't expect me to make it this long, but anyways. My other option is surgery, and I am thinking this may be a good thing and here's why.

Number one: It gets everything out in one fail swoop, and its more of a guarantee that everything is removed.

Number two: My lovely left ovary. Like I have mentioned before my left ovary causes me pain during every u/s and it was discovered it is hidden (and probably attached) to the back of my uterus. More recently I have noticed when I work out for more than 15 minutes my left side starts to ache and I'm pretty sure my ovary is to blame. So, given all of this ~I~ think it would be a good idea to schedule the D&C, and then while I'm already knocked out do another lap and check to see if it is endo causing the weirdness on my left side. If it is...remove it. Boom, two surgeries with one bill.

and oh yeah...Number three: Plain and simple I'm tired of fucking waiting =/ I want to TTC again and I want to TTC now!!!

Am I one of the "unlucky ones"....or not?

Maybe simply the fact I have to ask that question implies that I am in fact NOT one of the unlucky ones, but it's definitely something that crossed my mind today. Just as a forewarning, I will be talking about my yet to miscarry miscarriage here....

So I have only recently entered into this world of "those who have lost" but there is one thing I've noticed. Although there is much camaraderie between women who have suffered this tragedy, like in IF there are different degrees of sadness and empathy one receives and even different degrees of joy when another BFP is granted. Losses can occur in many ways, obviously the most common being those in the first trimester in which a heartbeat is not detected or it is detected one week and not the next....or those that simply start bleeding before they ever get to their first appt. Then there are the losses that occur later on known as still births and babies that are so premature,they don't survive. See, even as you read this I bet your heart goes out *more* to the second scenario, which as I should mention, it completely should! But that also proves my point....within each world and journey for the illustrious chance at a family there are different variations in the way your own struggle is perceived.

However, let's get back to the more common first trimester loss since that is the one I am currently dealing with. Now, this is where my question of luck arises. Obviously anyone who has to suffer through this is considered unlucky...however, is there more that comes into play? For example, is someone who was NEVER able to conceive more or less lucky than someone who conceived and lost? I mentioned in an earlier post that I have been on both sides of the fence and there were times when I wished I would have never conceived at all because then I could go along my merry way of TTC (and I'm using the term *merry* lightly here) but at least it was something I was used to, something I knew how to handle. However, hindsight is 20/20 and it occurred to me the other day that maybe the fact I actually conceived and lost made the desire to create a family all the more intense, and now I want more than anything to keep trying, but maybe, just maybe if I haven't conceived on that last IUI my heart would have given up....I would have been defeated and stopped my active journey. Obviously right now I can't answer that one.

Now, let's move on to a different example....is someone who suffers a loss after struggling with IF more entitled to sympathy than someone who m/c on C3 or C6 or better yet, someone who only found out they were pregnant *because* they lost it. I think I'm on the fence about this one. Not because I think one m/c emotionally hurt more than the other (going back to the overall unlucky comment) but because statistically those who m/c early on in their TTC endeavors will most likely get pregnant again, and probably somewhat quickly (as in within the next 6 months to a year). Those who try for years and go through IF treatments to get pregnant, only to lose it, face the worry that since it took so long the first time it may take that long again, or perhaps never again. Also, in looking at IF treatments, those things are pretty damn expensive and if you know you have to go back to an IF treatment to get pregnant again you are faced with the financial burden again that you thought you were able to forget and put behind you. Now, don't get me wrong....I know babies and children aren't cheap, but to have to spend so much money on actually conceiving, then doing it all over again because the pregnancy wasn't successful sucks because even after all of that you are still faced with the issue of paying for the child. I know when I found out I was pregnant I was so glad I didn't have to spend anymore money on IF treatments (at least not for *this* child), and the fact I now I have do it all again when I thought I was done for now was disappointing and crushing.

Next, moving on to the way people actually m/c. Usually in 1st tri miscarriages a woman starts to bleed and it is usually right then she knows she lost it. Or, as I mentioned before you go to an u/s and don't find a heartbeat so a D&C is done and physically (emotionally is a whole different story) the woman and her partner can move on and decide to TTC again when they want. Then you have my situation....where, number one my first doctor lied to me, and number two, even after the m/c was confirmed (because the sacs and babies-or lack thereof, wasn't growing) but there were other issues, such as continually rising beta's or issues and pain with the u/s's that makes your doctor want to "wait it out" and "see what happens". Now usually I would say this waiting period is only a week or two before the doc decides to do a D&C or medicinally start the m/c...but what if you have several confusing u/s and beta numbers, then what? Well, I will tell you what....you wait. You wait for a crazy amount of time because nothing is really big enough to advise doing a D&C and your numbers are just low enough that they may fall and things will start naturally.....or, they may not but medically it is smart to wait. I found out I was going to lose my babies at 6w3d...right now I am 10w exactly and by my next appt I will be 11w exactly. That is over four weeks I have been carrying around an empty sac(s) (the small one dissolved sometime around 8 weeks). Thats four weeks of knowing I will not be pregnant at thanksgiving like I was supposed to, but still technically pregnant right now which means I can't even try again and I'm in this sucky abyss of nothing (Yes Nancy, your last post prompted this one, lol). So, you tell me...is knowing all of this information early and told to "wait it out", or finding out later in the first tri and having everything taken care of, or just starting to bleed before you know something is wrong...more unlucky (or more lucky, if you wish to use it in that terms)?

P.S-I also must put out there that this is not directed toward anyone or one particular situation and I am completely empathetic for ALL m/c's because I've been there....this is simple an observation for today ;-)

I'm losing weight...

I got on the scale this morning...119.6...Holy Crap! The day before I found out I was pregnant I was 122.5 at my doc's office, two weeks later I was 120.7, and now, two weeks after that I'm 119.6. Now here is why this seems a bit odd for me: Number one, I realize that this isn't A LOT of weight however to lose one pound of fat, one must burn 3500 more calories than they eat....thats alot of calories and so far I've burned 10,500 more calories than I've eaten the past 4 weeks, Two: I realize I have been under a lot of stress lately with work, school and the m/c situation and that some people stop eating when they are stressed...yeah, NOT me! I'm very much a stress eater and tend to munch a lot when I have a lot of things going on and going back to point one, it doesn't make any sense I'm burning more than I eat when I feel like Im eating more than normal.

I do, however, have a theory about why I'm losing weight and I want to see if this makes sense to anyone else: My body still thinks I'm pregnant, and because I haven't actually started to m/c my hCG levels are still elevated enough to keep me that way. Now, pregnant women are reccomended to eat 300-500 calories more a day than "normal" to help nurish the embie, keep good blood flow, etc, etc. Now although I know I dont have a baby in my uterus, my body has no idea because it is getting a hormonal signal that such baby exists. In turn, my metabolism is still slightly kicked up because my body *thinks* I need to support the existance in my uterus. However, I am not purposely eating more than "normal" because I don't need to as there is nothing there so I am losing those extra 300-500 calories a day without trying. Does this make sense to anyone else or do I overthink things way too much? LoL

~Katie

The ongoing miscarriage

A little background info: as briefly mentioned in the fertility area to the right, I had an IUI done back on Sept. 10th which successfully got me pregnant. My beta numbers came back fine and my RE(who we will refer to as Dr. Jackass) scheduled an early u/s on Oct. 10; I would have been 6w1d. So, the awaited day arrives and Thomas and I are beyond excited and nervous as you can imagine. I knew at that gestation a fetal pole or heartbeat may not be seen and to not freak out about that, however as soon as my doc put in the probe and I saw my little empty sacs(yes, sacs, it was twins) I immediately knew something was wrong however Dr. Jackass goes along his merry way saying that there are twins and there are the two sacs, etc, etc. After the u/s he tells me to get dressed and for Thomas and I to meet him in his office. I get off the table and I'm scared; Thomas on the other hand is through the moon we are having twins. So we go back to Dr. Jackass' office, he hands me a picture of the ultrasound and goes "here's the first picture for the baby book". I will NEVER forget him saying that. Then he tells me to come back next week and we will check for a heartbeat, no problem, and tries to send me on my way. I stop him and question him about the sac size measurement, and tell him I believe they are too small for my gestation. He mumbles off something about there was really nothing to worry about at this stage, everything is fine, etc, and we leave.

Fast forward two days to that Friday. Even though I still "felt" pregnant I knew something was wrong, in my heart I knew this pregnancy wasn't right. I had been researching like crazy about sac size and measuring behind and no yolk sac at 6 weeks, things along that line and finally called my doctor back to get the EXACT measurement of the little sacs. The nurse nonchalantly read off Dr. Jackass' notes on my chart that indicated "2 intrauterine sacs measuring 3 and 4mm" (sidenote: for those who don't know, at 6w a gestational sac should measure anywhere from 14-25mm). My heart immediately sank to the floor and I left work right away to go see my OB, who luckily for me is right across the parking lot from my building. I spoke to a nurse and told her why I was there, that I was pretty sure my pregnancy isn't developing properly and my OB(who we will call Dr. Wonderful) took me back right away and got an u/s. After the u/s she pretty much verified what I already knew and said my sacs were measuring 2 weeks behind and this pregnancy wasn't viable...so now we wait for the inevitable.

OK, back to the present. Yesterday I had my 2 week f/u with Dr. Wonderful who pulls my beta and finds out they are still around 5,000(super low for my gestation, but higher than last week) so she gets me in for another u/s. My sac is still only measuring 5 weeks (I was supposed to be 8) with nothing in it (oh, and the little sac was completely gone). So I'm hoping that we have a plan of action for this appt. I am ready for this to be over....I want medication a D&C, something so I can move on and start to TTC again before the first of the year. So after reviewing all my chart info and looking at my u/s Dr. Wonderful decides it is best to wait it out. Are you kidding me?!?! I don't feel like my body is getting rid of this empty blob anytime soon because I still have pregnancy symptoms, my numbers although extremely low are still rising slowly and I haven't any cramping or spotting. Dr. Wonderful goes on to say that I am not a good candidate for a D&C because I'm only measuring 5 weeks and my body could easily pass such small tissue. She also says she doesn't want to give me meds yet because of some of the side effects, which I completely understand, but still it is very emotionally hard to keep holding on to this sac that is supposed to be growing my baby and it's not. Then she tells me to make an appt for 2 to 3 weeks from now to check up on things. So, I leave her office a little disappointed and sad nothing is final and my next appt is Nov. 12th....exactly 19 days from now. I would love to get it in earlier but she is completely booked the week of the 2 week mark...so we had to go 3 weeks from now. Which, the way I figure it, nothing is going to happen between now and then so that puts me probably miscarrying or at the end of it over Thanksgiving...which completely and totally sucks.

These last 2 weeks of knowing I am going to lose my baby, but not knowing when has been hell. I still have my pregnancy symptoms, and just get sad randomly when I think about everything that is going on. TTC 2WWs have NOTHING on the wait to miscarry. At least at the end of a 2WW if its a BFN I can handle that. Im sad for a day or two and then I move on and look toward the next new cycle. But this, THIS is terrible. Im waiting, and waiting, and waiting....and don't get to TTC again soon either. I can't believe I have to go through 3 more weeks of it. In my mind, that is just time wasted that I could be getting closer to TTC once more. Three more weeks of being "pregnant" but not really, and three more weeks of wondering if and when. Now, I will say that I have never been through an IVF 2WW(although I will be blogging more about that in a minute), but there are times in all of this that I wish I would have never conceived at all. I would of had my 2WW, gotten my typical BFN, sulked a bit, then moved on like normal and tried again. At least then I wouldn't have my dreams so close only to be ripped from my heart, and to sit around like an incubator with nothing to grow; and at least then I could have spent these last 2 months (three by the time I actually m/c and 4 by the time I am allowed to "try" again) TTCing. Alas, one cannot even attempt to get pregnant when their body thinks they already are.

Im not looking for sympathy here, however I do have one request. If you are a praying type of person, or even if you just want to think of me (and women like me in this situation), please pray (or hope) that I start to m/c on my own before this next appt. Pray that this will all be over soon and I can move on because I do still have a desire to TTC and sitting here doing NOTHING about ANYTHING is killing me (not to mention emotionally cruel and exhausting). Thanks!

"At least you know it can happen"

I'm sure anyone who has ever suffered through a loss (unfortunately I can't say mine is over yet, but still) has heard this exact statement. I first heard it from my doctor, then my mom, then both of my SIL's. Now, before going any further I will admit that I used to be one of "those" TTCers who secretly thought this occasionally for those who got their BFP and then returned to the world of TTC (as a side note, this was NEVER thought about in regards to an IFer). There were even times in the deep, dark spot of a crappy cycle that I thought "at least if that happens to me, I would know I could at least conceive in the first place."

Yeah I now know that statement is completely and utterly crazy! Who in the hell in their right mind would wish this upon themselves?!??! I have been on both sides of fence, and believe me I preferred the days when I was still wondering if I could conceive or not. Fear of the unknown is nothing like the fear of wondering if this will happen again *if* we ever conceive again. This is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done so far in my journey.

I don't blame those who make this statement because they don't "know" what it's truly like unless it happened to them, and honestly it does seem like the most appropriate thing to say in a time like this. I will even go as far as to say that I have said it to myself several times since this whole ordeal began, and it did offer some comfort.....but a word to the wise, coming from other people....this statement doesn't help (at least not when wounds are fresh). To me it's the same as telling someone going through secondary IF that they should be happy because they conceived before and have a healthy child, even when their heart is aching for another little one. Seems similar, yes? Anyways...just my ramblings for tonight.

P.S-This is in no way directed toward anyone specific. It was just something I was pondering after hearing this again from my doctor today and realizing how many times I've heard it in the past 2 weeks.