Update and busy weekend

Yeah, it's been a few days since I last posted. There isn't a lot going on, and I am just getting through the 2WW. Speaking of 2WW I am 7dpo today and my temp shot up this morning, you can check it out here. The chart overlay you see is from my IUI in Sept. that resulted in my first BFP. So, in lieu of all of this I am going to start testing Sunday at 9dpiui rather than Monday at 10dpiui just because I can. I found my IC HPTs in a drawer so I am ready to go! LoL. I think I have three left so I will test Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. Then if I haven't gotten a BFP yet I will grab a test from work and test Wednesday which will put me testing through 12dpiui....then I'll stop. Sounds completely reasonable right? haha.

The good thing is I do have a lot to keep me busy these next couple of days. My dog trainer is coming at 1:30 this afternoon, and then after that DH and I have to go out to buy gifts for my niece and nephew. Then tomorrow I am leaving at 9:00am to drive upstate (DH is staying home with the dogs) for my niece and nephews birthday party, and will be gone all day. Lastly, on Sunday I have to work for a few hours and clean the house. So all in all it is going to be a fairly busy weekend. *If* by some miracle I get an early BFP on Sunday I will definitely let everyone know....if not I probably won't post again until Monday. Have a great weekend all! =D

IUI complete!

I had some light bleeding/spotting during the procedure because of the catheter (thanks pliable cervix!), but he said it went in fine and all is well. Doc said the sample was excellent (which DH always likes to hear) and told me to take an HPT in 14 days (um, does he know me....my first testing time is St. Patty's Day-10dpiui) and if it is positive call the nurse to schedule bloodwork. *If* it is positive I WILL wait until 14dpiui to actually call them because any sooner they will tell me it might still be the trigger shot.

So, all in all.....everything went well, and now we wait! =) Hmmm, maybe it is a good time to write a letter to my body and politely ask to actually get pregnant today ;-)

Trigger shot done!

Actually, the self-given IM shot wasn't any harder than the subQ ones; I can definitely see how the left side would be harder than the right though. So....the countdown is on.... IUI is T minus 34 hours. Grow follies grow! =)

RE Update

Just got back from my follie check. I have a 19mm and a 14mm on the left and a 16mm on the right (all rough estimates since he never tells me the exact number, I just watch the screen as he measures). The doc actually wants me to go ahead and trigger tonight rather than do one more day of Follistim and then trigger. Not exactly like last time, but hey, thats OK right? Actually, I think it's because he really tries to avoid doing a Saturday IUI at all costs and he knows Monday would be too late, but thats just me. However, I am going to remain positive about him and this cycle, so I will trust him and trigger tonight. The way I figure it, if they grow 1mm per day (including the rest of today since my appt. was so early) they will be 22(will release), 17 (probably won't release) and 19mm (most likely will release too). So, we are looking at 1 or 2 contenders....I'm good with that. I mean hello, thats all we had in Sept. and it worked and in Jan we had 3 (possibly 4) and nada...so it really is quality, not quantity.

I have a secret to reveal here....I actually bumped up my Follistim last night by a notch (roughly 10IU's) so I'm not *too* worried about the lack of meds tonight. Plus Dr. JA (hmm, maybe I should use a new abbreviation since I am in fact going back to him) always says the trigger usually adds a mm or two right before O, and I don't O until at least 36 hours post trigger.

IUI is set for 8:30 on Friday morning. So, we are going to BD again tonight around 8ish (to keep up with our EOD pattern) and that will give us about 36 hours of abstaining, which should be fine since DH has run a consistent 60mil/mL.

So, thats it.....testing begins around St. Patrick's Day, give or take a day, and AF(should she arrive) will show up around the 21st or 22nd. Also, that gives us one more shot for a 2008 baby if this is a bust.

All in all....I'm good right now, and I am going to try and stay that way =)

Cycle speed

Ya know, it always amazes me that my IUI cycles go by so much faster than those where we just wait and see. Maybe it is because I have something to do each night to pass the time....Clomid for 5 days, FSH for 3, then an u/s, more FSH, trigger, then IUI. I'm already on the first day of my Follistim, which is crazy.....time is flying by this time around. Only a weekish until the IUI, and hell, I will know if anything worked by Easter. In like a lion, out like a lamb right? ;-)

It's as if the heavens opened and a light appeared....

OK, so maybe it wasn't THAT grand (haha), but it did help make my decision about my next IUI. I originally stated that DH and I were going to wait one more month before our next IUI, but I WAS having second thoughts about it and contemplated going in tomorrow for my baseline u/s. Well, tonight the phone rang and I just *knew* what is was for.....Mom called to tell me they were inducing my cousin tomorrow. Her BP was still high so they are stripping her membranes tonight and giving her cervidil; then tomorrow morning they are giving her pitocin to augment labor. The doctor says the baby is still very high and floating so if he doesn't move down before tomorrow night they will probably do a C-section. Anyways......THAT decided it, THAT was my sign..... we WILL go through with the March IUI. Baseline is tomorrow....here's to no cysts (the pain went away after AF started) a good med response, and a good sample to work with. I would say go ahead and hope for a successful IUI, but we will take it one step at a time here ;-)

Maybe cysts?

I really wish I could title this post "Maybe Baby?" and tell you I POAS'd and there was a faint line there....however I can't (well, in all fairness I did actually POAS but it was a BFN). Anyways, life must go on.....but back to the cysts. Let me preface this by saying I've never actually had cysts during my cycle or had a cyst prevent me from continuing on with a medicated cycle, but I DID have cysts when I was pregnant (a very common occurrence) and it was the reason for my one sided pain that I worried over being an ectopic. So the past few days I have this exact, one sided pain. Not my normal middle of the uterus 2WW crampies (which I always have) but almost a burning, sharpish pain. I am well past O (11dpo to be exact) and I am fairly certain I am not pregnant again (remember the BFN?) and I'm not saying I *feel* pregnant because I don't.....I'm just saying I am getting this same pain I got when I was pregnant and it was due to cysts so I'm wondering if I have another one.

This would be a first for me, but hey....IF has to find new ways to surprise me after 31 months of this crap (HOLY SHIT I honestly just realized I transitioned into the 30's....I thought I was still in the 20's. Well I still am in my 20's when it comes to actual cycles...it's 28) but I have been actively TTC since July 2005....Wow, that sucked. Oh and of course I would get a cyst now when despite the cost we wanted to push through with a March IUI (our 5th one....and yes, probably last). My doc usually takes April off for cycles because of his vacation so that means I might be looking at May if in fact this pain is cyst related....guess I will find out sometime around Tuesday-ish of next week which should be right around the time of my baseline u/s.

**left side still very achy....especially after my 200lbs lab assistant thought it would be cute to sit on me...right. on. my bladder/uterus/ovaries. For a brief moment I thought, "crap, what if there really is something down there and he just dislodged it"....so stupid.... =P

Get the crash cart!!

Contrary to popular belief I am still alive over here. I know people have said it before, but it is weird how there is so much less to talk about when you aren't really "actively" TTC. Lately life has been hectic...work is busy...I'm trying to find another part time job to have "direct patient contact" for the PA program I want to apply too....we are looking into getting a loan to fix up the house...all sorts of things.

There really isn't a lot going on with the TTC front (obviously) except for the fact spot hung around for a few days longer than normal and we are just going to FD whenever we want (let's just say it was a happy night in the Major household when the Giants won the super bowl.) However, DH and I did talk about what we want to do after this cycle is up since now have a "deadline" for TTC...and here are our options:

~Keep "relaxing"....less stress, better sex, but most likely won't make a baby.

~Go back to Dr. W for another IUI and get great care, but pay more out of pocket (oh and don't forget the travel and going back and forth between clinics)

~Suck it up and go back to Dr. JA for another IUI because he is closer AND cheaper. As much as it sucks he is the only doctor right now who has A.) Gotten me pregnant and B.) Has a current, hands-on knowledge of my cycles for the past year and a half. However, this option comes with stipulations....I want to sit down and discuss what happened with him before my next baseline. I want to know why he didn't tell me the truth on my first u/s and why I never heard the first "I'm sorry for what happened to you" from him in person (I have run into him twice since the m/c) or from the office in general. No, I don't want him to apologize for my m/c because it wasn't his fault....I was going to m/c regardless of who's care I was in, but I want a sympathy apology. I want a fucking acknowledgment for what happened. I realize m/c is common in the OB world....but when you are an IF patient and have been going to that clinic for over a year...yes, I expect an "I'm sorry, come back and see us when you are ready to try again". And they can't say they "didn't know" because I had to call personally and cancel my 2nd u/s with him stating "I didn't need it anymore" Um, BIG clue right there, and I know my OB called and talked to him personally because she said she did.

~Lastly, suck it up, get a loan for IVF, put off fixing the house(to the extent we want) and go back to Dr. W. because Dr. JA doesn't do IVF.

Oh decisions, decisions.....

It's the little things....

I just got my IUI cycle bill from the new doc.....120.00!!! Hell yes!! Apparently the IUI and the sperm wash are billed separately, and since the lab bills it as male fertility testing my insurance covers it! Rock on! So, I just successfully completed the cheapest medicated IUI cycle ever. Given the fact I used my left over meds from last time including all meds, co-pays, and procedures it cost me 190.00 bucks......holy crap....I will gladly take the little things sometimes, and in some odd way it takes the sting out of my BFN just a tiny bit.

11dpiui=BFN

Although I am not going to go screaming through the halls "I'm out completely this cycle"....I do feel it is time to let a little bit of hope slip out of my heart. Yes, I know my temp went up again (btw I slept great), and yes I know that 11dpo is still considered "early", but I also know my body when it is "just a little bit pregnant" and this isn't it. Oh, and please raise your hand if you had a "perfect" chart and still got your period....yeah, I think everyone can attest to that one.

Truth be told, I've been on the verge of tears all morning.....just thinking about my entire TTC life in general, not just this most recent disappointment. To let you in on a little secret, I just *knew* this would be the only cycle we had to do post m/c. Three follies, good sperm, great timing=apparently nothing....but in my head THIS had to be the one. I don't want to keep doing this....honestly I don't. My heart is very much contemplating just giving up on it all if this cycle keeps heading down the path I foresee. DH made a comment to me this morning that I just can't shake, and although I have said it to myself many times it was like a slap in the face to hear Thomas acknowledge it too: "We've put our life on hold for 2.5 years because of this crap". So, since then I have been thinking about what we have "put on hold", and the major things are like so:

~First and foremost, we put our marriage on hold. Of course we have made some wonderful memories these past years, but I know in the back of our head there has always been that voice saying "next year this will be better because we will have a baby" or "wouldn't this seem perfect if we had a child". For those who don't know, Thomas and I started TTC three months after we got married....so for basically our ENTIRE married life, we have been struggling to have a child.

~We gave up our sex life. This one seems pretty self-explanatory, but let me go a little further. Of course we have sex...we have sex to make a baby...FDing is few and very far between. I would go as far to say that we have "sex for fun" once every couple of months. Also along with the loss of our sex life I feel comes some loss of attraction because we aren't have sex simply because we can't resist each other or have a strong desire to intimate with one another.

~We've given up vacations. Thomas and I have put off making vacations plans in the off chance I would be too far along or just given birth (this thinking was the first year of TTC). The second year of TTC we didn't go on vacations because we needed money for treatments....and as we found out, money for treatments that didn't work that well. The last time Thomas and I went on vacation alone (i.e-without family or going to visit family or anything work related) was our honeymoon....May of 2005.

~I gave up different education. See, when I first started going to the college I eventually graduated from (and now work for) I wanted to go into our PA program. It was still a B.S at the time, and it was what I wanted to do....this was in Aug. of 04 in hopes of starting the PA program in Fall of 2005 or possibly 2006 if I wanted to wait one more year....meaning I would have graduated last May or in a few months from now (it's a two year program). However, the more Thomas and I discussed starting a family and then actually started trying we realized that once I got pregnant (yeah, nothing was an *if* at that time, ha) I would be in the middle of my program and would have to drop out (it's very intense). In saying this, having a family was much more important (actually it is the only dream I have always been sure of) to me than being a PA because I could still get my B.S in Biomedical Sciences from the same school and raise a family at the same time. All I have to say about this is HA HA HA. At this point I could have started that program, graduated, gotten a solid, stable, well-paying (as in about 15,000 more than I'm making now just to start off) job AND have respect in the medical community.

~I gave up trying for better jobs. In regards to the previous comment, I have also given up on trying to get a better job with the degree I actually have. This is because I have been with my same company for 3 years now, and decided it would be silly to leave and start somewhere else because I will, and I quote, "get pregnant and since I haven't been there year, not get my FMLA" or "not qualify for short term. dis. on maternity leave" (which btw, I have a whole completely different post about that given the events yesterday, but I digress). Don't get me wrong, my job is stable, it isn't too complicated and brings home a steady paycheck that covers the mortgage and all our bills BUT there is no where for me to go here. No ladder or chain of command to move up. I feel like I'm stalling out staying here, but because of the reasons listed above I haven't tried to find a new job with a new company. I think I am going to start looking actually.....

~We gave up our house preference. See, as all new home buyers do Thomas and I had a list of "must haves", "wants" and "can live withouts". When Thomas and I started looking to buy our house about a year and a half ago, we of course wanted to get something that would accommodate babies, children, etc. Although we realized most first homes aren't that lavish we had a decent loan approval and saw a lot of condo's or town homes that we loved, but always said we wanted our toddler to have a yard to play around in so we opted out of those. As far as houses go, we ended up buying a house with a yard in a great neighborhood with NOTHING of our "must have list". Examples: our house is a 1 bathroom instead of at least a 1.5, it has 2 bedrooms instead of our minimum three (ours, a study, and the nursery), the kitchen is completely nonfunctional with no dishwasher and odd layout (for someone who loves to cook, this is torture), it doesn't have a garage or finished basement for all of our stuff (and believe me we have a lot, as do most people)....god I could go on forever. But because of the neighborhood and the land, which is really only .17 acres, but still a lot in the middle of a city.....we bought it because it was a "house", thinking we could fix it up and make it work. If we had to do it all over again, knowing we would be childless 2.5 years later....we would have gotten some awesome loft or one bedroom condo overlooking downtown, which is really more our style because we honestly both hate yard work.

In my mind, those are HUGE things....things that make me sad....things that make me realize how different life would be. I've decided that regardless of an individual's fertility, infertility is a couples problem. It doesn't make a difference if both are primed and ready to make babies if you can't actually make them together. Sometimes I wish Thomas would just leave and go marry someone who can give him children (not that ~I~ want him gone, I just hate not being able to fulfill this part of his life). Looking back over it all, although we've stuck together and grown...our desire to create love's ultimate gift has caused us more pain and compromise than should be allowed. I realize that I could wake up tomorrow or the day after that and still get a BFP, but that wouldn't make this post any less valid because this post isn't about that....this post is about the past, what we, my husband and I, have put on hold or given up based on one huge maybe that never came to be.

I forgot to pee

Well, I didn't actually forget to pee...I just forgot to PIAC for my test...damn. Oh well, I'm only 9dpiui so it's not like I didn't know what I was going to see, err uh not see, this morning =P I will definitely test tomorrow.....no doubts about it. Although I will say that if I *am* pregnant this time around my chart isn't showing it as clearly as it did last time. Yeah, yeah I know you don't HAVE to have a second shift to get a BFP, it was just nice to see ;-)

7dpIUI

and trigger out =) This means I can start peeing with purpose on Monday morning. Yeah, I know 9dpiui is early, but hey, I buy tests in bulk ;-)

IUI Silliness...

So I was thinking about my IUI today since I am exactly 7dpiui (actually almost to the exact hour because DH and I walked out of the docs office 20 minutes ago last week), and then I started thinking of the silly things I do during an IUI 2WW. Of course I take my vitamins and drink water like normal, but check this weird stuff out:

~ The night after the IUI I sleep on the side I know my egg(s) are in hopes the sperm will swim that way (gravity, right? haha)

~Then around 5-7ish dpo I try to sleep on the opposite side to aid any fertilized egg out of my tubes and actually into my uterus (I have a huge fear of ectopic)

~Starting at about 7dpo I squeeze my boobs on a daily basis just to see if they are getting sore or more full.....yeah, this one is fairly standard

~No jumping, bouncing, or heavy lifting (don't want to interfere with implantation you know, sheesh) I still exercise at least 4 times a week, I just forgo my hip hop dance.

~Here's a new one: I am now comparing everything I feel or notice to my last "successful" 2WW. This sucks for several reasons....one, it gives me something else to obsess over, two, I think it creates a hope that may not have been there before and three, the rational side of me knows this is crazy because even on the off chance this works again it doesn't mean my "symptoms" will be the same.

So, there is my list of completely ridiculous (and sometimes irrational) 2WW oddities, and as strange as this is, I know I'm not the only one.....so I want to know, what do you do "different"?

6dpIUI and 8dp-trigger

Two lines still there. It's faint, but I can still see it's existence.....yes I have already started peeing this time around, crazy huh? =P I will test again tomorrow night ;-)

I'm having a WTF moment.....

I have no idea when I O'd. I am 99% sure I already have given my follies were between 18 and 19mm on Wednesday with my u/s, I had the beginnings of EWCM, and I triggered on Thursday night. All of this would indicate Oing by Saturday evening (which is what we were hoping for since my IUI was Saturday morning), right? However, my temps are not reflecting that AT ALL. Yes, on Sunday morning my temps went into the beginnings of my normal post O range of 97.95(yay, it all worked out like it was supposed too)....but today, when I expected them to be at least above 98.00 they dropped back down to 97.69....WTF?!?! In lieu of this I made DH BD this morning just in case, but by the amount of leakage I had (sorry TMI) I am pretty darn sure my cervix is very closed. Sidenote: I have this theory that if your cervix is more open, such as around ovulation, the leakage won't be as bad because there is an easy place for all the swimmers to go. However, if your cervix is very closed it's like running into a brick wall and more fall out.

Anyways, I am thoroughly confused as of today but of course I think it could be a few things....

1.) The temp today is completely wrong. I actually woke up at 4:00 this morning because the dog decided to jump in the bed and I never really fell back asleep. I just tossed and turned until the alarm went off at 6:15. Plus around that same time I was super hot so I didn't get back under the covers. (I would much prefer this option) **clarification: I didn't actually temp at 4:00 (which I know would throw it off) I temped at my normal time.

2.) I actually haven't O'd yet (Good God that would suck and you best believe I would be demanding a refund for my IUI)

3.) I did O on Saturday and my P really sucks or is taking a little bit build up. This might be plausible, but on the flip side I had three eggs so it wouldn't make sense for me to have low P since I have never had that problem before.

4.) The trigger didn't make me O, and since I haven't had an u/s since Wednesday no one knows. Let me explain this one for a minute. My protocol had me using Novarel for the trigger...no big deal, it's what I used last time BUT last time I did it IM. This time the directions from the pharm (assumingly from my doc) said to take SubQ although the actual box of medication says "for intramuscular use only". I called my nurse to double check the directions from the pharmacy to make sure they were right and she goes "go ahead and take it like it says, we always do Novarel subQ". However, I find this odd because most of the information you find on Novarel says it's an IM administration. I am still a bit uneasy about this, and am wondering if I was given the wrong form of Novarel.

5.) Lastly, I O'd before the IUI like FF says I did. You can check it out here if you want. Now, I always discard the temp the morning after my trigger because of course my temp is going to go up and look like an artificial O, however if I don't discard it I get CL's that day but without it I don't get any CL's at all, even on the day of my IUI (I played around with future temps this morning to see what it did).

Any opinions out there? Anyone? I know not many people read my blog....but any help would be appreciated =/

Prop your hips up and tilt to the left.....

So no, the doctor didn't tell me to prop my hips up, but during my 20 minute post IUI rest DH told me to tilt a little to the left since we knew that is where the eggs were ;-) Speaking of DH, he was so great yesterday, massaging me while I was resting; we had a great day together overall....lunch, shopping, the trips to and from....it was great. I love him =)

Now, let's talk about the IUI itself because this procedure was a bit different than we were used to. First off, DH had to produce his sample there, which went fine by the way. The "collection room" was a private, small room with a bookshelf, tv, coffee table and sofa; quite quaint if you ask me. They had the collection cups on the shelf along with a sample of sperm friendly lube if you needed it (which I thought was nice because I heard some clinics don't do that). The weird thing is we had to keep walking down to the lab (it was at the other end of the hallway) to see if it was ready yet, and then once it was ready we had to carry it back to the office. In my old clinic after we turned in the sample we never touched it again. Next, the IUI itself took longer than normal....he was gentle, but he couldn't get the catheter in. The nurse had to press on my uterus to get my cervix to be more cooperative. Maybe it was too high or a bit tilted, I'm not sure what the issue was (although I have been told I have a tilted cervix).

So, I am officially 1dpiui today.....9 days until I start testing (well, actually I will test at 7dpiui to see if the trigger shot is still there) but "testing with hope and purpose" starts in 9 days. I don't know how I feel about it right now, it's a bit mixed. Of course I want it to work like it did last time (well, not EXACTLY, but yeah) but in my head I know the odds say it won't. Actually what I want is just to be able to have sex with my husband and make a baby.....is this too much to ask? ::sigh::

Right on schedule

So, we BD'd last night....and it was good. I actually had a bit of EWCM yesterday so maybe that helped =) I'm getting excited now (although the potential leaving the house at 6 AM Sat doesn't make me too happy).

My crack clinic

I think I have figured out why everyone at my ob/gyn's office is so happy....surely some of them are on crack. Turns out I am not getting ready to pop like previously thought, and the first ultrasound lady, although very sweet and impressive, didn't quite know what she was talking about...haha, it figures. My final consensus is like so:

Righty: all under 13.2mm....no freaking big deal, unless one gets some miracle grow between now and Friday and pops out a little surprise which is highly unlikely.

Lefty: Three or four(one was really hidden, but the doc thought it looked around that size in certain views) between 18mm and 19mm....there we go...that's the money shot.

Oh, and my lining is 10.4....yay!

So, I am happy and a little sad about these final results. One, I am happy because this means we can actually do the IUI since I decided before walking in there if it really was 5 then I was canceling. Next, I am actually a bit disappointed they are all on the left side (wow, could I be more picky, haha). My left side is so screwy with it's twists and turns, and I just like options on both sides for sperm, but all in all that doesn't really matter right?

I am also happy to say that my whole appt....u/s (which was really long btw), waiting and seeing the doc (who is very nice....oh, and pregnant) was an hour....definitely a reasonable amount of time. Oh, I also found out another thing about Dr. JA today....apparently most of the doctors in this practice refer their infertility patients to Dr. W instead even though it's 2 hours away. That says a lot of his practice if the ob/gyn's one block away don't want his patients to go there. Dr. M, who I saw today said she really likes Dr. W because he looks at each patient as individuals instead of putting everyone on the same get pregnant plan (like Dr. JA does). Lastly I thoroughly confused the nurse today because when she took me back to the room she goes..."well, I am going to let you keep your clothes on until after you meet Dr. M since this is your first time with her" Um, excuse me....I've already had my love wand time so thanks but no thanks. Finally we figure out that in my chart, the way it was written, implies I was there for an OB sonogram because I was on clomid and got pregnant. Not yet lady, but thanks for the optimism check back a few weeks ;-)

***update: Just talked to my Dr.'s Nurse. He wants to give those three follies one more day to grow, so we will BD tonight, trigger tomorrow night, and then the IUI Saturday morning. Wow....IUI on cd 17....I think that's a record for me...what in the world is my body doing this time around?

IUI curiosity....

I am curious now....After talking to a few people about their protocol, what is the average time distance between your trigger shot and IUI? For me, I did 24 hours for the first two and then 36 for the last.

What is "normal" for you and/or your RE's preference?

My brain is spinning in circles....

Or maybe it's flat-lined....I'm not sure which yet =/ So, my doc finally got my results from my clinic this morning and he wants me to have another u/s tomorrow morning with a trigger tomorrow evening and IUI Friday morning. Now, if my follies grow about 1 mm per day that puts me at:

Righty: 20mm, 19mm and 18mm at trigger and 22ish mm, 21ish mm, and 20ish mm at time of release

Lefty: 2 @ 19mm at trigger and 21ish mm at release

Good, yes? I know it is....I am just so stressed out this cycle it isn't funny. The two clinics thing is hard because every time I try and schedule an u/s at my clinic here I have to explain everything all over again, and it usually goes like this:

Me: "Hi, my name is Katie Major and I need to make a mid-cycle u/s appt. tomorrow"

Lady: "Which doctor ordered it?"

Me: "Well, I am a patient of Dr. K's, but am supposed to be seeing Dr. M in her absence, however yesterday I saw Dr.C for the same thing, but technically the u/s's are being ordered by Dr. W up at (insert clinic here)"

Lady: "Oh, um, ok, let me put you back to u/s to see what they can do"

Me: Sure....and then it starts all over again with the u/s person who happens to answer the phone. It also usually results in them telling me they don't have an appt available and then me telling them that well, these have to be done on certain days of my cycle because it is for an IUI timing etc, etc, and I can't help what day of the week cd14 falls on.

I have made at least 5 phone calls like this since last Thursday. Not to mention the calls to my other clinic to let them know what is going on, when my appts are, etc......see how this can be very tiring? Thank God he didn't want blood work!

Also I think I am nervous because this is the first real cycle (and an IUI at that) post m/c. Holds a bit higher expectation, yes? At least in my heart it does, and not to mention the fact I have never had this many "potentials" so that makes me nervous all in itself....worried it won't work and me wondering what the hell went wrong....was it the timing, the BD schedule, etc, etc (although I know in my head statistically there is a greater chance of this NOT working).....worried if it does work and I have to start worrying about pregnancy again...and then lastly wondering how well it will work if it does.

Plus, I am a bit upset about the fact we BD'd so much thinking I was closer to O than I really am. I mean that was three nights of unenjoyable, almost hurtful, just get it over with sex. Then I ask my nurse if we need to BD tonight (sad when you have to ask a medical professional that isn't it?) and she tells me to abstain since we BD'd last night that 48 hours would be enough for the IUI. Then I point out that by Friday it would have been over 72 hours since the last BD session...then she sounds sort of flustered and goes well, I think you are fine. In my head I am going "fine to what...fine to BD (not that I want too, but I will)....or fine to not BD" I didn't actually ask her, but that answer was a bit ambiguous, do you agree? On my last IUI DH and I BD'd the morning of cd12 and the IUI was the morning of cd14....right at 48 hours and everything was fine.....I guess it just depends on if he initiates it tonight because I won't, but I will go with his flow because it wouldn't hurt the IUI to BD if he *wants* too, which honestly I am guessing not.

Good lord, after reading over this it really sounds like I vomited out what was going on without any coherence at all. Actually, that's how it plays out in my head so maybe this portrait is accurate ;-)