It's exactly 5:05 AM

and I can't sleep. Maybe it's because I started AF again or maybe it's because this is technically only my 2nd "real" AF post-m/c I'm not exactly sure, but whatever the reason I can't stop dreaming about it. "It" being pregnancy loss....my pregnancy loss, maybe pregnancy loss in general and the fact I am supposed to be pregnant right now. Tonight for some strange reason I keep dreaming about June 3rd....I'm honestly glad I'm not dreaming about going through my m/c again, but dealing with my due date is almost just as sad. A couple things stick out for me in this one...one, I am writing a letter to my babies of course to wish them happy birthday (although most likely they would have been early, twins and all). Does anyone else out there who has gone through a m/c find it odd that you will never really know your baby's "true" birthday? Of course the due date is the best candidate to honor this, but let's face it, only about 10% of babies come on their actual due date....however I digress.

Also, in my dream it is unclear if I am pregnant again because I can't see myself. Actually, this dream really isn't visual at all, it's more focused on the way I feel that day. Maybe this confusion of pregnancy is a manifestation of my current state of not "actively" TTC, because although there is no guarantee I would be pregnant again before my due date even when were were TTC, wouldn't you agree there is a bit more uncertainty with the "just relax" method? ;-) Anyways, maybe this concept makes me sad in my dream, but again it's unclear. The one thing I can remember about my "dream" tonight is the feeling of it all being surreal. Surreal knowing that I was supposed to be a mom by June 3rd, and surreal knowing I won't be. I woke up wanting to rub my belly because I would be a nice rounded 21 weeks by now (to be honest with you I had to look that up because at this point I stopped counting). I imagined coming into my living room right now and talking to them in the wee hours of the morning instead of writing this. See, surreal I tell ya because I can't even grasp that concept right now. But at the same time this surreality is stemming from the fact I am almost forgetting that I am supposed to be pregnant at this point in time...it's like it never even happened.....which is why thinking about June 3rd is so odd for me, and quite frankly I don't want to dream about it anymore.