Thursday, January 24, 2008

The comfort of a riverbank

So, it pretty much goes without saying that today is a crappy day all around. So, when things get crappy, I turn to music.....usually sad music to match my mood, and today I came across Simon and Garfunkels' "Bridge over troubled water" and it got me thinking about WHY Thomas and I are ready to give up or take a break right now. For those who don't know, the lyrics go like so:

" When you're weary, feeling small,
When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all;
Im on your side. when times get rough
And friends just cant be found,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.

When you're down and out,
When you're on the street,
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you.
Ill take your part.
When darkness comes
And pains is all around,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down."

In the past six months my dear husband and I have been to our version of hell and back....we had cycles canceled, we had jackass doctors, unneeded stress, a m/c, a cycle break, a new clinic, a new cycle and another big BFN....and oh yeah, Christmas, Thanksgiving, both our birthdays (i.e-constant reminders of time gone by), and a close family BFP were thrown in the mix somewhere. So today when I really listened to this song it hit home....hard.

To me, this song implies that when one person is down, the other is the strong fortress that gets them through it...gets them over "the troubled waters". Pretty self-explanatory, yes? However I decided that this is a great metaphor for the raging river that is infertility. On the days I'm feeling like I can't go on and the rapids are just too much to face....he is there to help me forward. On the days he wants to jump in and just give up....I am his hope for stability. How else would any couple get through this if that wasn't the case? As completely loving as this concept sounds, if you really look at it, it ultimately implies that in order to keep going one person is always getting "stepped on"...having to hide their true feelings, smiling when all they want to do is cry. Of course this type of selflessness is the greatest act of love, but is it really fair when it happens over and over and over again for the same reason for years on end? If someone always has to be the can never really cross it together.

So in all of that thought process I've decided I'm tired of having to step on my husband all of the time. Neither one of us has the strength to be the bridge right for now, we are going to sit on the riverbank together, hand in hand....and see the sunrise of a new day just beyond the water....together.


Jen said...

That is very well put. I hope this break is what you both need.

Brianna said...

You always know how to say exactly how I am feeling. I'm so sorry for the BFN, I am in the same boat as you. But aren't we lucky that we have great spouses to help get us through this? Hang in there girl!!

nancy said...

although one of the cheesiest romantic end lines of a blog post, it was actually quite nice :)

It got me thinking, so you think it's possible to support the other person ~without~ having to get stepped on? Tom has been my rock through so many breakdowns and I always assumed he was just the strong one. I didn't think I was walking on him to gain support. Do you think it's possible to be strong enough for two people?

KatieM said...

A few things....

Brianna-where did your blog go? I went to check up on it today and poof...gone....

Nancy-I think at times it is possible to be strong enough for two people and there are a lot of instances when this was the case, but lately with Thomas and I we both want this so bad I think it is safe to say we hurt equally. So to keep pushing through it all (especially with the m/c) he was my strong one when he was just as crushed. He became my support, and I had to "walk" on him to get through it. In other words, I knew he was hurting just as much, but he felt he had to hide that for my sake.