Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Just because

My cousin's baby shower is next weekend...on the 9th. She only tried for 6 months.....she was 10 weeks ahead of me....we even went to a birth convention together in town....I remember being so excited then. I remember thinking how great it is our kids would be so close because, although not in age, my cousin and I are very close. I remember thinking that at her baby shower I would have my own little belly...I remember thinking we would be swapping new mom stories at family get-togethers.

Funny thing about her only trying 6 months though is that she has a history of long cycles so her doctor wanted her to do a progesterone test to see about PCOS an anovulation, but she ordered it on cd21. When the results came back her nurse told her the level was .1, she didn't ovulate, and they were referring her to an RE for infertility testing and possible treatment. She was freaked out so she called me because she knows I have been through infertility myself. I calmly told her that since her cycles are longer, she probably didn't ovulate on cd14, making the P test at cd21 doesn't mean she's not ovulating, it means she hasn't ovulated yet or she ovulated much later than they expected. Two weeks later my mom calls and tells me my cousin is pregnant. Yeah, and since everyone who reads this is familiar with the TTC timeline....she probably conceived that night I talked to her. Irony is a bitch sometimes, but I digress.

As for the baby shower thing, there are a few people who know what happened during my SIL's baby shower (I didn't have a blog then, sorry) and I fully think (because of that) everyone is expecting me to be frigid during this one as well because THIS time I'm not only dealing with IF but I'm dealing with my m/c too. Oh, and it's not for certain if my mom is going because of things between her and the aforementioned SIL who happens to be co-hosting the shower. That sucks because my Mom was my only saving grace last time. I've been dreading this day for a long time....dreading her birth even more because her baby's birth marked the nearing of MY baby's birth. I'm not sure if people in my family feel sorry for me or think I'm one has really talked to me about how it felt when I went through my m/c. Of course I got the cards and the occasional hug for no reason....but no one really asked because most likely no one wanted to hear. They didn't want to hear about how I tried to hold my composure while getting that beta knowing what it would tell me. They didn't want to hear about how I had tried so hard for this. They didn't want to know about the Saturday morning I couldn't get out of bed because all I wanted to do was cry. They don't want to know I still keep my pregnancy journal because I simply don't know what to do with it. They don't want to know about the bouncy seat, diaper bag and spare car seat that now sits in my basement, unused and discarded....the onsies we bought at Target because we couldn't resist (because of course we were immune to m/c ::sigh::) that are stilling hanging in the closet....the maternity announcement shirts now folded in my drawer. The truth is, no one in my family (except maybe my mom) really cares about this least that is how it feels.

What brought about all of these feelings right now you ask? Well, I had been feeling them for awhile now but I found this list posted on a blog called "Our Daughters Have Wings" and it all came pouring out. Even though I lost my twins in the first trimester, everything is all so true and so unbelievably heart-wrenching....Here it goes:

20 Things Parents of Angels Wish People Would Remember

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my babies. The truth is just because you never saw my babies doesn't mean they don't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about my babies and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my babies. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my babies with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about my babies more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my babies. The truth is I love my babies and need to talk about them.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my babies died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my babies, the love I feel for my babies, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my babies are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that my babies never existed. The truth is we both know I had babies growing inside me.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing my babies doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.

12. I wish you wouldn't think that my babies weren't really babies and they were blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my babies were human lives. My babies had souls, hearts, bodies, legs, arms and faces. I have seen my babies' bodies and faces. My babies were real people - and they were alive.

13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my babies were born and the days I lost my babies are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing my babies has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the babies I lost and no other baby can replace them. Babies aren't interchangeable. Besides, you do not know whether we have fertility problems too.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my babies or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that it's natures way of telling me something was wrong with my babies. The truth is my babies were perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?


Maria said...

Hey I just wanted to give you an update on Brianna. She's taking a break from ttc and is distancing herself all the reminders. I'm sad to see her go, but I know she needs the break.

Mrslady1975 said...

Oh Kat, I am tearing up reading this post. You are such a wonderful and strong woman.

On a side note, I wanted to let you know that I linked your blog to mine.

Duck said...

WOW, I just stopped by, I saw you had commented on Maria's blog, which i read.
Sorry to hear about your m/c, you are incredibly brave to go to anyone's shower, i don't know what happened at your SIL baby shower, but I personally avoid baby showers like the plague.
A deer friend of mine who went though ivf gave me some wonderful advice today, be brutally honest with people, when they ask you why you are upset tell them in the most factual honest way and watch them as they look around and wish that the earth would swallow them hole.

Lauren said...

I hope this baby shower is better for you than the last one. Sorry you're having a rough time with this. I'm sure I'd be in the same boat as you if I were in your shoes.
And I don't know your family, obviously, but I'd be willing to bet that it's not that they don't care about your previous m/c--it may just be that they don't know how to talk to you about it, what to say, how to act, etc, so instead of just listening to you, they clam up.

KatieM said...

Thanks everyone....I guess I just got a bit emotional about it is sort of random like that.

Em, happy to have you aboard =)

Duck, the thought of telling everyone what I really feel when they ask and imagining the look on their face made me laugh a little. I can honestly say everyone would be shocked...they would either love me for it, or again say I'm being selfish for not "enjoying this day" as was the theme for my SIL's baby shower.

Monica Fayth said...

Oh, Kat. I know you've got to be having a harder time getting ready for this shower than any other.

I also want to apologize if you've ever felt that I was avoiding discussing the m/c. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Jewels said...

I dont know if I could go, I probably would and hate it the whole time, either that or muster up a good belly ach the day of.

I hate silence. I've had to much of it in my life, but I hate that people judge us for speeking out.

~HUGS~ I wished I had good advise for you, but I seam to have no dignity when it comes to this stuff (baby showers and weddings).

KatieM said...

Oh no, not at all Mon. This wasn't directed at all towards my online guys always listen and I am greatly appreciative!

Jen said...

A baby shower is always tough, but obviously this one will be so much harder. I'm just so sorry that you have to go through all this.

nancy said...


You know, I wouldn't even go. Just decline and send a gift.