Tuesday, January 8, 2008

To my babies....

Oh little ones, mommy was going to wait to write this, but thought it was too important to put off because she has been thinking about you. We would have been 19w1d today, did you know that? I am certain with two of you in there I would be able to feel you playing together by now...that thought makes me smile. You make me smile. You made mommy and daddy so happy, but unfortunately you couldn't stay and I did mourn for you (I still am), but I need you to know I am still trying to become a mommy again. You were brought into this world through fertility treatments, and that is what we (mommy and daddy) are doing again. I go in on Saturday, and I hope to walk out pregnant again. I know you will never have a chance to understand any of this, but mommy feels like she needed to talk to you before any of it takes place.

My sweet babies, you need to know you were so loved and you can never be replaced. There is a place in my heart for you under lock and key that no sibling can enter in to. You are not mommy and daddy's forgotten children....you were our first, you were our hope, and you were our light at the end of a long tunnel. If it weren't for you letting me see what true happiness lies ahead I may not be trying so hard to bring a new baby home. Please notice I did not say real baby, because you were very real. In the past 2 and half years, you have been my greatest joy and my greatest sorrow, and we loved you from the second we knew of your existence. You never heard me, but I talked to you every day and so did daddy....you were our children. From day one, you were precious miracles.....you still are. I would have done anything to save you, but instead you saved me. Thank you for everything you gave me, and I hope you understand my need to love that deeply and selflessly again...it is not to replace you, it is to never forget you. I know I will see you again one day, but until then...go play my children....live free.

Your Forever Mommy


Jen said...

This made me cry. You wrote it so beautifully.

I agree, we never forget or can replace those that we have lost. It will never be the same.

KatieM said...

Thanks Jen. Believe me, I cried writing it...but it was a good cry. For some reason I just felt compelled to write that before moving on with another potential pregnancy.

Kelly said...

Oh Kat...great big hugs! That was beautifully said/written.

Good luck to you on this cycle/IUI:)

Anonymous said...

That's so beautiful Kat. I'm sure your angels are keeping a watchful eye on you and will hopefully be expecting a little brother or sister (or both) soon. All the best on this cycle/IUI and everything to come.