Wednesday, October 24, 2007

The ongoing miscarriage

A little background info: as briefly mentioned in the fertility area to the right, I had an IUI done back on Sept. 10th which successfully got me pregnant. My beta numbers came back fine and my RE(who we will refer to as Dr. Jackass) scheduled an early u/s on Oct. 10; I would have been 6w1d. So, the awaited day arrives and Thomas and I are beyond excited and nervous as you can imagine. I knew at that gestation a fetal pole or heartbeat may not be seen and to not freak out about that, however as soon as my doc put in the probe and I saw my little empty sacs(yes, sacs, it was twins) I immediately knew something was wrong however Dr. Jackass goes along his merry way saying that there are twins and there are the two sacs, etc, etc. After the u/s he tells me to get dressed and for Thomas and I to meet him in his office. I get off the table and I'm scared; Thomas on the other hand is through the moon we are having twins. So we go back to Dr. Jackass' office, he hands me a picture of the ultrasound and goes "here's the first picture for the baby book". I will NEVER forget him saying that. Then he tells me to come back next week and we will check for a heartbeat, no problem, and tries to send me on my way. I stop him and question him about the sac size measurement, and tell him I believe they are too small for my gestation. He mumbles off something about there was really nothing to worry about at this stage, everything is fine, etc, and we leave.

Fast forward two days to that Friday. Even though I still "felt" pregnant I knew something was wrong, in my heart I knew this pregnancy wasn't right. I had been researching like crazy about sac size and measuring behind and no yolk sac at 6 weeks, things along that line and finally called my doctor back to get the EXACT measurement of the little sacs. The nurse nonchalantly read off Dr. Jackass' notes on my chart that indicated "2 intrauterine sacs measuring 3 and 4mm" (sidenote: for those who don't know, at 6w a gestational sac should measure anywhere from 14-25mm). My heart immediately sank to the floor and I left work right away to go see my OB, who luckily for me is right across the parking lot from my building. I spoke to a nurse and told her why I was there, that I was pretty sure my pregnancy isn't developing properly and my OB(who we will call Dr. Wonderful) took me back right away and got an u/s. After the u/s she pretty much verified what I already knew and said my sacs were measuring 2 weeks behind and this pregnancy wasn't viable...so now we wait for the inevitable.

OK, back to the present. Yesterday I had my 2 week f/u with Dr. Wonderful who pulls my beta and finds out they are still around 5,000(super low for my gestation, but higher than last week) so she gets me in for another u/s. My sac is still only measuring 5 weeks (I was supposed to be 8) with nothing in it (oh, and the little sac was completely gone). So I'm hoping that we have a plan of action for this appt. I am ready for this to be over....I want medication a D&C, something so I can move on and start to TTC again before the first of the year. So after reviewing all my chart info and looking at my u/s Dr. Wonderful decides it is best to wait it out. Are you kidding me?!?! I don't feel like my body is getting rid of this empty blob anytime soon because I still have pregnancy symptoms, my numbers although extremely low are still rising slowly and I haven't any cramping or spotting. Dr. Wonderful goes on to say that I am not a good candidate for a D&C because I'm only measuring 5 weeks and my body could easily pass such small tissue. She also says she doesn't want to give me meds yet because of some of the side effects, which I completely understand, but still it is very emotionally hard to keep holding on to this sac that is supposed to be growing my baby and it's not. Then she tells me to make an appt for 2 to 3 weeks from now to check up on things. So, I leave her office a little disappointed and sad nothing is final and my next appt is Nov. 12th....exactly 19 days from now. I would love to get it in earlier but she is completely booked the week of the 2 week mark...so we had to go 3 weeks from now. Which, the way I figure it, nothing is going to happen between now and then so that puts me probably miscarrying or at the end of it over Thanksgiving...which completely and totally sucks.

These last 2 weeks of knowing I am going to lose my baby, but not knowing when has been hell. I still have my pregnancy symptoms, and just get sad randomly when I think about everything that is going on. TTC 2WWs have NOTHING on the wait to miscarry. At least at the end of a 2WW if its a BFN I can handle that. Im sad for a day or two and then I move on and look toward the next new cycle. But this, THIS is terrible. Im waiting, and waiting, and waiting....and don't get to TTC again soon either. I can't believe I have to go through 3 more weeks of it. In my mind, that is just time wasted that I could be getting closer to TTC once more. Three more weeks of being "pregnant" but not really, and three more weeks of wondering if and when. Now, I will say that I have never been through an IVF 2WW(although I will be blogging more about that in a minute), but there are times in all of this that I wish I would have never conceived at all. I would of had my 2WW, gotten my typical BFN, sulked a bit, then moved on like normal and tried again. At least then I wouldn't have my dreams so close only to be ripped from my heart, and to sit around like an incubator with nothing to grow; and at least then I could have spent these last 2 months (three by the time I actually m/c and 4 by the time I am allowed to "try" again) TTCing. Alas, one cannot even attempt to get pregnant when their body thinks they already are.

Im not looking for sympathy here, however I do have one request. If you are a praying type of person, or even if you just want to think of me (and women like me in this situation), please pray (or hope) that I start to m/c on my own before this next appt. Pray that this will all be over soon and I can move on because I do still have a desire to TTC and sitting here doing NOTHING about ANYTHING is killing me (not to mention emotionally cruel and exhausting). Thanks!

1 comment:

K said...

I just ran across your blog searching the internet for miscarriage. Oh my - thank you for writing EXACTLY what you wrote. I am in almost the same exact boat - from a RE, aka Dr. Jackass, to my OBGYN, aka Dr. Wonderful. It is very hard for people to understand what I am going through - and reading your entry has just, well, made my day. Thank you for putting that out there. Thank you for going through what you did so that I could read about your journey to becoming a mother. I'm not the praying type, but I am thinking about you and hoping that you have a wonderful pregnancy soon.