Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Am I one of the "unlucky ones"....or not?

Maybe simply the fact I have to ask that question implies that I am in fact NOT one of the unlucky ones, but it's definitely something that crossed my mind today. Just as a forewarning, I will be talking about my yet to miscarry miscarriage here....

So I have only recently entered into this world of "those who have lost" but there is one thing I've noticed. Although there is much camaraderie between women who have suffered this tragedy, like in IF there are different degrees of sadness and empathy one receives and even different degrees of joy when another BFP is granted. Losses can occur in many ways, obviously the most common being those in the first trimester in which a heartbeat is not detected or it is detected one week and not the next....or those that simply start bleeding before they ever get to their first appt. Then there are the losses that occur later on known as still births and babies that are so premature,they don't survive. See, even as you read this I bet your heart goes out *more* to the second scenario, which as I should mention, it completely should! But that also proves my point....within each world and journey for the illustrious chance at a family there are different variations in the way your own struggle is perceived.

However, let's get back to the more common first trimester loss since that is the one I am currently dealing with. Now, this is where my question of luck arises. Obviously anyone who has to suffer through this is considered unlucky...however, is there more that comes into play? For example, is someone who was NEVER able to conceive more or less lucky than someone who conceived and lost? I mentioned in an earlier post that I have been on both sides of the fence and there were times when I wished I would have never conceived at all because then I could go along my merry way of TTC (and I'm using the term *merry* lightly here) but at least it was something I was used to, something I knew how to handle. However, hindsight is 20/20 and it occurred to me the other day that maybe the fact I actually conceived and lost made the desire to create a family all the more intense, and now I want more than anything to keep trying, but maybe, just maybe if I haven't conceived on that last IUI my heart would have given up....I would have been defeated and stopped my active journey. Obviously right now I can't answer that one.

Now, let's move on to a different example....is someone who suffers a loss after struggling with IF more entitled to sympathy than someone who m/c on C3 or C6 or better yet, someone who only found out they were pregnant *because* they lost it. I think I'm on the fence about this one. Not because I think one m/c emotionally hurt more than the other (going back to the overall unlucky comment) but because statistically those who m/c early on in their TTC endeavors will most likely get pregnant again, and probably somewhat quickly (as in within the next 6 months to a year). Those who try for years and go through IF treatments to get pregnant, only to lose it, face the worry that since it took so long the first time it may take that long again, or perhaps never again. Also, in looking at IF treatments, those things are pretty damn expensive and if you know you have to go back to an IF treatment to get pregnant again you are faced with the financial burden again that you thought you were able to forget and put behind you. Now, don't get me wrong....I know babies and children aren't cheap, but to have to spend so much money on actually conceiving, then doing it all over again because the pregnancy wasn't successful sucks because even after all of that you are still faced with the issue of paying for the child. I know when I found out I was pregnant I was so glad I didn't have to spend anymore money on IF treatments (at least not for *this* child), and the fact I now I have do it all again when I thought I was done for now was disappointing and crushing.

Next, moving on to the way people actually m/c. Usually in 1st tri miscarriages a woman starts to bleed and it is usually right then she knows she lost it. Or, as I mentioned before you go to an u/s and don't find a heartbeat so a D&C is done and physically (emotionally is a whole different story) the woman and her partner can move on and decide to TTC again when they want. Then you have my situation....where, number one my first doctor lied to me, and number two, even after the m/c was confirmed (because the sacs and babies-or lack thereof, wasn't growing) but there were other issues, such as continually rising beta's or issues and pain with the u/s's that makes your doctor want to "wait it out" and "see what happens". Now usually I would say this waiting period is only a week or two before the doc decides to do a D&C or medicinally start the m/c...but what if you have several confusing u/s and beta numbers, then what? Well, I will tell you what....you wait. You wait for a crazy amount of time because nothing is really big enough to advise doing a D&C and your numbers are just low enough that they may fall and things will start naturally.....or, they may not but medically it is smart to wait. I found out I was going to lose my babies at 6w3d...right now I am 10w exactly and by my next appt I will be 11w exactly. That is over four weeks I have been carrying around an empty sac(s) (the small one dissolved sometime around 8 weeks). Thats four weeks of knowing I will not be pregnant at thanksgiving like I was supposed to, but still technically pregnant right now which means I can't even try again and I'm in this sucky abyss of nothing (Yes Nancy, your last post prompted this one, lol). So, you tell me...is knowing all of this information early and told to "wait it out", or finding out later in the first tri and having everything taken care of, or just starting to bleed before you know something is wrong...more unlucky (or more lucky, if you wish to use it in that terms)?

P.S-I also must put out there that this is not directed toward anyone or one particular situation and I am completely empathetic for ALL m/c's because I've been there....this is simple an observation for today ;-)

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