Throwing this out there....

I wanted to repost a little tidbit I posted on a message board. To put this next blurb into perspective for those reading it, this was directed toward a group of good ladies just starting out in the TTC world who noticed that some of us "oldies" were being more brazen in our bitter bitchiness sometimes. My hopes for writing it was to give them a perspective on the journey and how perspectives will change.

"Someone made the comment about remembering what it was like early in your journey when it came to BFNs and hope and disappointment....so I did, I sat down and really thought about it. I remember my early months, I remember being crushed because I just knew I was pregnant on C3 and when I wasn't I thought it was the end of the world. When I hit C9 and realized I *might* be looking at IF I made the arguement that my pain was just as worse as those who had been trying for years because no matter what the situation a BFN still hurt....and I know now I was only half right. I will admit the disappointment is still the same....getting your hopes squashed with the arrival of AF sucks no matter what....but because I am now one of those who have been working at this for so long (although not as long as some, so I do still realize my "place" in this) I understand now the pain and stress is completely different....I only thought I knew BFN pain until I got here, and I thought this would sum it up.....

In my first year of trying, BFN's sucked because I had such high hopes....they sucked because I was naive and thought everything was a pregnancy symptom....they sucked because I just knew it was supposed to happen.

Now with my (and people like myself) BFN's there is a whole added dimension. Now with a BFN I don't just cry, I grieve.....I grieve because I know enough to know it probably wasn't going to happen but I hope anyways because I want to be a mother so bad I taste it.....I grieve for the next holiday that will pass without my baby.....I grieve for my husband who now cries with me

In my first year of trying I debated about spending the money on OPK's and when to take them, and how long to wait to pee in the afternoon. I had questions about my chart and when I O'd, did we have sex enough and if 15 minutes in the morning will really make a difference. The only money I had to worry about was that 12 bucks on a box of OPK's and the occasional pregnancy test.....

Now is different. Each failed cycle usually means throwing 1000's down the drain....I don't have to worry about OPK's anymore because I get to inject myself and have multiple u/s to check my follie growth. Sex isn't an issue....as long as he can do it in a cup. Each new cycle brings the stress of wondering if you can pay for all the treatments you need.....and it means giving up months at a time when the budget is too tight.....

In my first year of trying I never had to cancel or postpone vacations because of my cycle or base my own schedule around driving 2 hours to see an RE

In my first year of trying I just knew it would happen....now I know am lucky as hell if it does...and better yet, if it sticks....because now I know that regardless of what I went through to get pregnant...that's the easy part.

My point of all of this is....you don't realize what perspective you will gain on this journey as a whole until you do it....when I first started I just knew my pain and disappointment was the same as those who had done it much longer....I was wrong, because the pain and stress and disappointment is different. When I first started trying I just knew that if it didn't happen in a year I would stop....I was wrong, because over the years my desire grew. When I first started I just knew as soon as I got pregnant it meant I would be a mom.....I was wrong and have two angel babies to prove it. When I first started I thought "that won't happen to me"...I was wrong, because it DID happen to me and my respect for those who have gone through this before me, those who have done it longer and those who have spent more money has only grown. Honestly, when I first started out, I was selfish because I could only compare how bad MY journey was...how much MY BFN's hurt....without looking at how good I might really have it. I thought "how dare you say my hurt isn't as bad as yours, how do you know how I feel....this journey is bad for everyone"....but in the end, I was only half right, because I had only gone through half my journey."