Friday, February 29, 2008

A day of remembering....

A little bit ago Calliope at Creating Motherhood came up with the idea of a day of remembrance for all pregnancy losses, neonatal death, and stillborns. Simply a day to remember....today is that day: Leap day, Feb. 29th....and every Feb. 29th to come. Although every mother can attest to the fact the memories of our lost dreams enter our mind on a daily basis, it is nice to have a day set aside that wasn't a due date, or a birthday, or pregnancy/childhood milestone....something unrelated to the loss itself (unless of course someone suffered any of the above on Feb. 29th, and then this day is exponentially important) but for me and my loss, Feb. 29th held no importance until now. So today, I will remember...just because, and I will share.

This whole blog was created because of my miscarriage. I had been trying for 2 years prior to my BFP and involved with IF treatments for one, but even with that struggle I never felt compelled enough to start writing about it. I had my outlet of close IF friends, and that is all I needed.....they understood, they consoled me, they celebrated with me. I do sometimes wish that I had an account of that time pre-m/c...although I remember it, it certainly would have been interesting to read. However, I digress a little bit. Even after that 3rd IUI when I found out I was pregnant I didn't blog, at least not online. Of course I had started my personal pregnancy journal, but after being in the IF world for so long I almost felt the need to keep everything private because none of my friends were pregnant, and I didn't want to hurt them. Then, IT happened.....

What happened was I had a questionable u/s at 6w1d with my RE....two very small sacs, no yolk sac, no fetal pole (and with that obviously no heartbeat). Two days later my heart knew this wasn't right and went back to my normal OB.....impending miscarriage confirmed but as we later found out still a slowly rising beta. The scientist in me knew this was never going to work out right, but the mother in me never stopped hoping....and that is why it hurt so bad. I must confess here that each u/s I had in the weeks following (while I waited to m/c) I secretly wished and prayed to see at least one baby....one real baby....one tiny miracle....but there was none, and eventually my body figured that out and it was over. I was unpregnant again, forced to TTC again, I was hurt, I was angry, my faith was shaken. This was not supposed to happen to me, and that is what compelled me to start writing. I desperately wanted to seek out women who this had happened to as well, I wanted to hear their stories, and in some strange way I wanted to feel their pain because now I understood it. I thought sharing the pain somehow made it more bearable, and in a way, it did. I also wrote this blog for others......I wanted to help women who go through this after me. I know that when I lurk on blogs I feel inspired by the strength and courage of ladies who keep going, who keep looking forward, who survive....I hope this blog is like that for someone. In fact I got a lovely comment recently that validated that need to help, and although knowing another person is out there struggling like I did is never nice....MY blog showed them they weren't alone....sharing the story of my babies served it's purpose, and it made me smile.

Oh goodness, my babies.....my sweet little angels.....how I miss you. I tasted pure love with your existence, and my heart aches for that again. This was a fierce love....a motherly love...a love beyond all other...and maybe most importantly...an immediate love. Your time with me was so short, yet it changed me forever. One night I dreamed of you...I dreamed of me being pregnant, talking to you, rubbing my belly...that was a wonderful night. I wrote a letter to you once, and I cried the whole time. I will never understand why you couldn't stay....why your lives, which would have been so fulfilled with so many things, were never able to exist. Forgive me, for I have yet to find something to symbolize you today....nothing seems quite perfect enough...I know you will understand. However, I will leave you with these pictures...because you never got to see the beach, our beach...I know you would have loved it.


3 comments:

calliope said...

what a beautiful post. You capture it so well.
thinking of you today.
xo

Jen said...

Sharing the pain does make it more bearable. And sharing the memories with people who understand make them much more precious.

I will remember your babies.

sandra said...

It is an amazingly fierce and immediate love. I know what you mean.