I wasn't actually sure what to call this post...anniversaries maybe, milestones perhaps? I dunno....both would fit, but neither seemed right. Anyways, today is the 3 month "mark" since my official m/c. Tomorrow is 4 months to the day when my OB confirmed I was in fact going to m/c and my mommy instincts may be worth something in the future.
I know 3-4 months is nothing compared to those who have lost who have reached their due date, one year, or two year, etc anniversary of their m/c, just like I roll my eyes at someone who says they have been trying for 3-4 months and it is "really hard". This post really isn't about that though, it's about time. Although my measly 3-4 months was not THAT long ago it seems like just yesterday, and it seems like forever ago at the same time. I imagine that this feeling never goes away. Will I always be celebrating the milestones of a baby I will never know? Probably.
The funny thing about time is it keeps moving forward, regardless of circumstance. It does not discriminate between the mother mourning her lost one, or the mother watching her child grow up too quickly before her eyes. They say time heals all wounds, and yes after awhile it is easier to deal with things like loss or death, but ironically it is time itself that reminds of of the fact these wounds exist in the first place.
However, this thought brings me to another one....mothers. I honestly dread the fact when I get pregnant again it will be labeled as my second pregnancy. I mean, the first didn't produce a baby so shouldn't I get to start over again? In addition, saying that this is my second pregnancy with no baby implies I'm not a "real" (i.e-one with living children) mother.
I have always found it so ironic that most infertiles say they "were born to be a Mother". I can join this rank, as I can honestly say I knew from childhood I was supposed to be a Mother. Not just because I loved taking care of my dolls or I was a good with children, but because something deep down inside *knew* it was my destiny. I want to be one of those Mothers that people look at and go "Wow, she is a great Mom" "She was born for this" or "Being a Mother just comes natural to her". Why does this feeling always seemed to be imposed on those who have trouble conceiving?
Disclaimer: In saying this I am excluding the portion of the population, mainly LDS, that believe they are born to be mothers because it is God's job for them AND they get pregnant easily and end up with double digit amounts of children....this does not apply to them.
Anyways...why is it you never seem to hear someone who gets KU'd in one or two cycles they just knew they were meant to be a Mom? Does this seem backwards to anyone else? It almost reminds me of something I told to DH the day after I confirmed my impending m/c. I asked him what was the point of taking my baby away? I already understood the hardship of infertility, I already knew how appreciative I was of being pregnant, my baby was already loved, I already realized what a miracle it was to have....so why? What was the lesson in experiencing death as well? Obviously this wasn't a question for him to be able to answer, but more me grieving out loud, but it still posed a great point. For those of us in the population who already knew being a Mother was our destiny....those of us who would appreciate and love our babies BEFORE they were conceived....why the struggle, the pain, the despair? Why not make the people who have babies by "accident" more appreciative by having THEM be the ones who struggle (even if just a bit) if it means their babies will be loved more.
Or, is it the fact that we do want this so badly the time we spend TTCing is filled with more sadness and heartache simply because we long for the end result more?