A day of remembering....

A little bit ago Calliope at Creating Motherhood came up with the idea of a day of remembrance for all pregnancy losses, neonatal death, and stillborns. Simply a day to remember....today is that day: Leap day, Feb. 29th....and every Feb. 29th to come. Although every mother can attest to the fact the memories of our lost dreams enter our mind on a daily basis, it is nice to have a day set aside that wasn't a due date, or a birthday, or pregnancy/childhood milestone....something unrelated to the loss itself (unless of course someone suffered any of the above on Feb. 29th, and then this day is exponentially important) but for me and my loss, Feb. 29th held no importance until now. So today, I will remember...just because, and I will share.

This whole blog was created because of my miscarriage. I had been trying for 2 years prior to my BFP and involved with IF treatments for one, but even with that struggle I never felt compelled enough to start writing about it. I had my outlet of close IF friends, and that is all I needed.....they understood, they consoled me, they celebrated with me. I do sometimes wish that I had an account of that time pre-m/c...although I remember it, it certainly would have been interesting to read. However, I digress a little bit. Even after that 3rd IUI when I found out I was pregnant I didn't blog, at least not online. Of course I had started my personal pregnancy journal, but after being in the IF world for so long I almost felt the need to keep everything private because none of my friends were pregnant, and I didn't want to hurt them. Then, IT happened.....

What happened was I had a questionable u/s at 6w1d with my RE....two very small sacs, no yolk sac, no fetal pole (and with that obviously no heartbeat). Two days later my heart knew this wasn't right and went back to my normal OB.....impending miscarriage confirmed but as we later found out still a slowly rising beta. The scientist in me knew this was never going to work out right, but the mother in me never stopped hoping....and that is why it hurt so bad. I must confess here that each u/s I had in the weeks following (while I waited to m/c) I secretly wished and prayed to see at least one baby....one real baby....one tiny miracle....but there was none, and eventually my body figured that out and it was over. I was unpregnant again, forced to TTC again, I was hurt, I was angry, my faith was shaken. This was not supposed to happen to me, and that is what compelled me to start writing. I desperately wanted to seek out women who this had happened to as well, I wanted to hear their stories, and in some strange way I wanted to feel their pain because now I understood it. I thought sharing the pain somehow made it more bearable, and in a way, it did. I also wrote this blog for others......I wanted to help women who go through this after me. I know that when I lurk on blogs I feel inspired by the strength and courage of ladies who keep going, who keep looking forward, who survive....I hope this blog is like that for someone. In fact I got a lovely comment recently that validated that need to help, and although knowing another person is out there struggling like I did is never nice....MY blog showed them they weren't alone....sharing the story of my babies served it's purpose, and it made me smile.

Oh goodness, my babies.....my sweet little angels.....how I miss you. I tasted pure love with your existence, and my heart aches for that again. This was a fierce love....a motherly love...a love beyond all other...and maybe most importantly...an immediate love. Your time with me was so short, yet it changed me forever. One night I dreamed of you...I dreamed of me being pregnant, talking to you, rubbing my belly...that was a wonderful night. I wrote a letter to you once, and I cried the whole time. I will never understand why you couldn't stay....why your lives, which would have been so fulfilled with so many things, were never able to exist. Forgive me, for I have yet to find something to symbolize you today....nothing seems quite perfect enough...I know you will understand. However, I will leave you with these pictures...because you never got to see the beach, our beach...I know you would have loved it.

I'm here, I'm here.....

Just nothing super special to blog about lately. Here's the lowdown though:

~Ginger is still super anxious about the new puppy and WILL NOT leave him alone. She constantly has to know where he is, what he's doing, what he's chewing on, etc, etc. If he leaves the room, she follows....every time he gets up she goes over and puts her entire mouth over his ears and neck. I have to correct her about every 5 minutes on it (which I hate). So, in lieu of all this I called the vet to ask about some medication for this hyper anxiety. Buster is incredibly tolerant of this, but only to a certain point (hell, I don't blame him, if I had someone in my shit all morning and night I'd get a little mouthy every now and then too).

~Day 3 of Clomid. Nothing new except the normal headache I always get with it (which I'm sure is exacerbated by the constant dog watching). I ordered my Follistim and it should be here tomorrow, then my u/s is next Wednesday....maybe IUI around next Saturday-ish.

~Cousin delivered the baby yesterday via C-sect....as far as I know he is still in NICU for observation (labor was hard on him), but he is well and should come home in a few days.

~I'm liking my job less and less, and let's face it, I still harbor some resentment over it in relation to my m/c because of all the budget stress that started to happen the week before the sacs stopped growing. Plus I don't think I get paid enough...put it this way, I have a B.S and make under 30K a year. My manager is a spineless man who doesn't like conflict and pushes it onto people who aren't getting paid to handle conflict (ie-me and the secretary). Last time I checked that was HIS job, and it is HIS job to stand up for his employees....neither of which he does. He passes the buck like no man I have ever seen.....honestly we all think he is flat out annoying AND doesn't do his job so that is a bad combo.

~Lastly, I'm hungry.

That is all.

It's as if the heavens opened and a light appeared....

OK, so maybe it wasn't THAT grand (haha), but it did help make my decision about my next IUI. I originally stated that DH and I were going to wait one more month before our next IUI, but I WAS having second thoughts about it and contemplated going in tomorrow for my baseline u/s. Well, tonight the phone rang and I just *knew* what is was for.....Mom called to tell me they were inducing my cousin tomorrow. Her BP was still high so they are stripping her membranes tonight and giving her cervidil; then tomorrow morning they are giving her pitocin to augment labor. The doctor says the baby is still very high and floating so if he doesn't move down before tomorrow night they will probably do a C-section. Anyways......THAT decided it, THAT was my sign..... we WILL go through with the March IUI. Baseline is tomorrow....here's to no cysts (the pain went away after AF started) a good med response, and a good sample to work with. I would say go ahead and hope for a successful IUI, but we will take it one step at a time here ;-)

My furbabies....as promised

Yes, this is my third post today so if you are just tuning in on this brisk Sunday, don't forget to read the other two and catch up. I had to leave work early because of the cramps.....seriously I thought I was going to throw up, but 2 extra strength midol and an hour later they are manageable and I can think clearly yet again ;-) So, as promised here are a few (ok, I admit...a lot of) pictures of my furbabies.....some are of just Ginger during a snow we had about a month ago =)


Hey Mom, throw the snowball already...

Wait, where did it go? I can't find it!

Yummy....I eat snow, and I think it is really good!

Hey, what do you think you are doing?

This picture is really blurry, but I think it looks like a cool watercolor painting.

Hello up there!

Proof of how hard it is to get a good picture of them playing outside.

Check out my ears! (They do that a lot)

OK dude, you might be cool, but I still have my eye on you!

Ok, maybe you aren't THAT bad....

A little closer I guess.

Highlight of Mommy's day!

Moment of peace....from the front.


Ironically, the last four pictures were taken as I was posting the other ones...I just had to grab my camera and share!

In other news....

Cd1....C, um, 29....piss on you infertility, seriously. Here is the game plan though....we are going to do March au natural again. Simply with the all the added new dog stress, I don't want medication/IUI stress on top of it.....I do think stress can affect your ability to conceive *sometimes* because your body perceives it as an inopportune time to get pregnant or you have poorer egg quality or delayed ovulation......so I'm thinking, why risk it because I *know* the next month or so will be stressful with the dog, my cousin's due date and my nephew's first b-day party....oh, and isn't Easter in March this year too? So, March is just me and the hubby, then we said we will go again with the injects and IUI in April. Also, since my insurance covers acupuncture, I am going to make an appt. for that as well some time in March, why not right? (if it helps in IVF, it might help my IUI too). I found a clinic about 3 minutes from my house, so I am going to check it out.

Also, I had the weirdest dream last night (when I actually got to sleep in between doggy potty breaks and general cage movement which I can hear in my room).....I dreamed that I was pregnant, it was Christmas Eve at my parents house, and my water broke while I was peeing. At first I thought it was a really long pee and then I looked down and realized where the water was coming from (I guess that is one convenient place to break your water) and I distinctly remember pieces of my mucus plug coming out too (eww, I know). However the weird thing of it was I was with Thomas, but I *think* the baby was my ex's (sorry babes if you are reading this, eek....it didn't make me happy either) or maybe he was just in the dream for some odd reason because after my water broke he was at the door asking what I was going to do today, and my response was "well, I'm going to have a baby if that doesn't inconvenience you". Then I remember thinking my tummy was way too small to be 36 weeks, which is what everyone kept saying I was and I didn't believe my baby had a face until the doctor showed it to me on the u/s......it was so weird......then the dream was over. I never actually got to the delivery part (which I have dreamed about before) but everything else was just so creepy.

PS-My cramps are a BITCH right now. It's the closest to my m/c cramps I've had since...the ones that make you shake and feel sick, the ones were your uterus is sore even when you aren't cramping because you cramped so much..yeah, those....OMG. I was going to take midol before heading out to work, but I forgot and didn't go back...thinking two hours wouldn't make too much of a difference....um, holy hell.

Life with Buster

Well, having two dogs in the house has been quite the adjustment. The new pooch is just great though....he is much better behaved and well mannered than the shelter lead us to believe, which was a nice surprise. Actually, it makes Thomas and I laugh because before the shelter allowed us to adopt him some lady sat down with us and told us that it sounded like we wanted an "average" dog and he (called Spud Jr at the time) was VERY high energy. Um lady, have you MET the little energy freak of nature in my car you let me adopt last year with no questions asked. This dog is NOTHING compared to her....she wears him the hell out (which actually posses quite a problem since we are trying to keep him somewhat restricted due to his surgery on Thursday). We are limiting the indoor play and doing 2 or 3 fifteen minute outside play times a day (plus of course, all potty breaks, which are a quick in and out).

Again, the new puppy is great....it's MY dog that is the issue (seriously, if I thought taking one of them back would be the only solution to the problem, I would *want* to take HER back, but on the other hand she is our burden and another family deserves the better behaved one-oh, and we are NOT at this point yet, I'm just saying).....she annoys the ever living shit out of him by trying to jump on him and grab his ears (apparently it's a dominance thing). He had enough one time and turned around to snap at her....she backed off, but we gave both of them a time out away from each other in their crate. Right now I am having a rare moment (with enough time to type this) because she is sleeping on the couch and he is sleeping on a pillow bed on the floor. We have decided that Ginger can keep her couch privilege if she asks to get up and gets down when told, which she does. Buster however is not allowed on the couch....but he seems pretty cool with it being the laid back guy he is.

I understand this is a huge change for Ginger, and we are trying to be understanding but she is pushing limits like crazy. As mentioned before we have established a "time-out" in which if she is doing something we don't want (like jumping on Buster simply for walking across the room) we will correct her with a stern NO. If she does it again, she gets a 5-10 minute time-out in her crate away from the living room. She is use to being the only dog and we know that..... but it is just an exhausting transition for US too because she is being a stubborn ass about it. She has only eaten once in two days because she is use to her food setting out and she can eat it when I put it down or an hour later if she chooses....but now, with the new dog I can't leave Ginger's food out or he will eat his and hers so we have established an "eat in your cage" rule. The little one could give two shits less about this as he loves food....Ginger however does not like this new arrangement and refuses to eat like normal. Oh well...she won't let herself stave, if she is hungry enough....she will figure it out. I think the biggest thing for Ginger right now is that we normally don't make her sleep in her crate....she has her pillow bed or will simply choose to sleep on the couch, and now with two dogs (until they get used to this living together thing) both are in their crates at night AND when we leave (which again is different from what Ginger is used to).

I DO feel bad because things have changed so much for my first baby girl (however, this may be OUR fault to begin with because let's face it...she was treated like a child, not a dog-luckily she is young enough were this can change), but we honestly don't know how to make this transition any easier (and she does enjoy the new playmate)....it is just going to take time. We still have alone play time with her, still give her praise/treats for doing good things, and we are diligent in making sure he doesn't steal her toys while she is playing with them. We take the toy back from him, give it back to her and then give him is own....it seems to work OK for now. We still make sure she is seen as the "first" dog....she is given food first, gets let out first......I really think he gets it, but for some reason Ginger feels the need to CONSTANTLY remind him. She will eventually figure out he is here to stay, and I think when he is fully recovered from surgery and gains a bit of weight he will be a better playmate for her. Plus, when the weather breaks we will start taking walks again AND both dogs will be attending an obedience class together.

So, those with two (or more) dogs...how did your dogs deal with the "new guy/girl"? How long did the "getting used to" phase last for your pre-existing dogs? Do you have any suggestions that we may not be doing that helped out?

Thanks!

P.S-I promise pictures are coming soon....maybe even pre-bath! I should take them and upload them now as we are still in our quiet moment, but I have go get ready for work and start the normal "potty,crate" leaving routine.

In true crazy, this cycle is a bust, infertile fashion....

Thomas and I adopted a new dog today. He is an 8 month old brindle and white American Terrier mix....we named him Buster. He and Ginger play like champs (which is the point because they wear each other out). Yeah, I'm crazy.....I will post a picture in about a week....after he is fattened up a little and has a bath (he was just neutered yesterday so no water immersion for about 7 days). He is quite adorable though, and we spent about an hour or two at the shelter seeing which dogs Ginger got along the best with and he was it.

The lady at the shelter said he would be around 50 lbs (which is what Ginger is) however he will be shorter because his legs aren't as long as hers. He already knows how to sit, but he still needs obedience training and we are going to get him in a class soon.

It is completely crazy we did this today, but it does have its benefits in the short and long run. =) Actually I remember saying when we got Ginger that if we weren't pregnant in a year we would give her a fur-sibling....so here we are!

Maybe cysts?

I really wish I could title this post "Maybe Baby?" and tell you I POAS'd and there was a faint line there....however I can't (well, in all fairness I did actually POAS but it was a BFN). Anyways, life must go on.....but back to the cysts. Let me preface this by saying I've never actually had cysts during my cycle or had a cyst prevent me from continuing on with a medicated cycle, but I DID have cysts when I was pregnant (a very common occurrence) and it was the reason for my one sided pain that I worried over being an ectopic. So the past few days I have this exact, one sided pain. Not my normal middle of the uterus 2WW crampies (which I always have) but almost a burning, sharpish pain. I am well past O (11dpo to be exact) and I am fairly certain I am not pregnant again (remember the BFN?) and I'm not saying I *feel* pregnant because I don't.....I'm just saying I am getting this same pain I got when I was pregnant and it was due to cysts so I'm wondering if I have another one.

This would be a first for me, but hey....IF has to find new ways to surprise me after 31 months of this crap (HOLY SHIT I honestly just realized I transitioned into the 30's....I thought I was still in the 20's. Well I still am in my 20's when it comes to actual cycles...it's 28) but I have been actively TTC since July 2005....Wow, that sucked. Oh and of course I would get a cyst now when despite the cost we wanted to push through with a March IUI (our 5th one....and yes, probably last). My doc usually takes April off for cycles because of his vacation so that means I might be looking at May if in fact this pain is cyst related....guess I will find out sometime around Tuesday-ish of next week which should be right around the time of my baseline u/s.

**left side still very achy....especially after my 200lbs lab assistant thought it would be cute to sit on me...right. on. my bladder/uterus/ovaries. For a brief moment I thought, "crap, what if there really is something down there and he just dislodged it"....so stupid.... =P

The universe is funny, updated

Wait, did I say funny? I meant to say kinda cruel in an up-yours sort of way. Here is my morning story....intended to be funny, mildly inappropriate, yet the intentions didn't make it hurt any less.

So a few minutes ago as I was walking down the hall when a co-worker of mine caught me and said he had something to ask. This is a pretty usual thing given that he oversees the PA labs and I oversee the Biomed labs; so he is always asking me stuff about supplies and ordering and such. The conversation went as follows:

Him: "Hey Katie, I need to ask you something, I already asked Gayle (our secretary) but she turned me down"

Me: "Sure Chip, whatcha need?"

Him: "Well see on April 7th the PA's are doing their OB demonstrations and we need some volunteers ya know." (he starts laughing....he is a bit of a kidder all the time)

Me (realizing he is joking, but still a bit stunned): "Oh, haha, I don't think so"

Him: "Oh, come on...maybe you can work something in between now and then....we'll even pay ya!" (more chuckling)

Me: "Ha, I still don't think so....now if you would be willing to pay for me to GET pregnant we may have a deal" and then I laugh and walk off.

Do I even need to post a huge fat OUCH right here? Unfortunately what he didn't know is that if things hadn't gone awry (a bit of a side note, but do you ladies-who this applies too-find it odd how you word your m/c sometimes.....for example phrases like "if things had gone better", "gone awry", "if everything turned out" or "unfortunate event" come to mind) Anyways....what he didn't know is I could have actually participated in this lab (because in reality they do take volunteers for such things).....in fact I could have been a great example because I had twins! What an AWESOME learning experience I would have been! Also what he doesn't know is those babies took a very long time to conceive and I'm not sure when that will happen again.....I can't just whip up pregnancies in a few months. Lastly....I'm nearing the end of my 1WW and in all odds will get AF in roughly 4-5 days....yippee. I snapped at DH for something stupid this morning so I'm pretty sure slight PMS is setting in.

Speaking of AF showing up....my cousin is on the verge of delivering in the next week or so...her BP is still slowly creeping up and she is seeing her doc twice a week. All along the doc said she would be lucky to make it to 36 weeks and she will be 36 weeks on Sunday......I highly expect her to deliver during AF because that would be the icing to my infertile cake.

OK, so I forgot to add this in: A student (who I do actually like she just doesn't *know*) came into my office to be tutored. She saw the picture of my dog and asked if she was mine....yup. Then she saw a picture of myself surrounded by my nieces and nephew at Christmas on my desk and goes "Oh, are those your nieces and nephews?" (to which I respond yes) and then she goes "Well, I can see why you don't have any children yet, they look like a handful"

Really? Seriously?.....Yes, really, seriously these were my morning conversations.

GREAT STRIDES walk

Hello everyone out there! As many of you know besides being infertile I have Cystic Fibrosis, and in a few posts below this one made a commitment to help in the cure for CF. I am donating money to the C.ystic Fi.brosis Found.ation, however on top of this I have decided to became a team leader for my local GREAT STRIDES walk. This means that I need to get people to sponsor me walking in order to raise money.

I know that everyone out here in this great big IF blog world has a lot on their plate, but I am asking if you could just take one minute to look at my website, here (or under the "About Me" on the left side of my blog), and consider donating for this cause. I want to do this to help save children's lives so I hope that is your reason too, but just for added information CF affects fertility too...about 97 percent of men with CF present with azoospermia due to CBAVD, and women with CF often have a harder time conceiving due to thickened mucus in the fallopian tubes, around the egg itself and in the cervix. However, in my eyes this issue is secondary as I have recently attended a funeral for someone only 3 years older than myself.....a wonderful person who was taken too soon and never got the chance to marry or even try for a family....she would have been a great mother.

Every little bit helps....every bit may save a life.

Thanks!

"I wonder if she did A.R.T"

Today was a bit of a mundane day for Thomas and I....we cleaned out the basement to make a play space for the dog during the day (rather than my living room) and went out to buy odds and ends for the house. I started keeping track of the number of pregnant people/little babies while we were out....it has actually become a game for HH and I because let's face it, as any infertile will tell you....we are freaking magnets for things like that. The total for obvious preggo's was six (three in the mall, one at Target, one at Wal-mart, and the last at our local co-op where we got lunch). Well actually ~I~ got lunch there and Thomas munched on a meatball sub while I happily ate my organic, Asian tofu burger with carrots, onions, and sprouts on multi-grain bread =). Other than the preggo's there were roughly 6 or so infants all cutely wrapped in their strollers and one set of fraternal toddler twins, to which my mind immediately wondered if that mother used A.R.T to conceive.

Now, let me explain this one. First of all I do understand that A.R.T does increase the chance of multiples (hence the reason people see more than one and automatically jump to that conclusion), but I am also very well aware that the purpose of A.R.T is to bring home one, beautiful baby... but sometimes another one (or two, or three!) are added in there. So in saying this, I certainly wasn't looking at this mother with disgust if she DID conceive these twins through A.R.T (this should go without saying but I wanted to make sure my point was clear)And hell, I had twins at one point too courtesy of Follistim and an IUI....but my mind wandered to this question because I have been involved in IF for quite some time now, and it absolutely blows my mind that multiples can be conceived naturally! I know it DOES happen (obviously) but sheesh....it is quite a mind bender for an infertile like myself! I mean come on.....two eggs, without meds....that's something that only exists in fairy tales, right?

DH calls for change

In the spirit of change, Thomas (formally referred to as DH) wishes to take on the title "HH"....Hot Hubby...from here on out. Hmmm, does this mean I have to change my hubby tag now? ;-)

My Grandmother and the lost shoe

Since I shared a story of my Grandfather yesterday, it's only fair you get to hear something about my grandmother today as I love and miss them both very much. My grandmother outlived my grandfather by almost 8 years, however in June of 2005 (wow, I can't believe it's been that long) she suffered a stroke in her home from which she would never recover. All of the doctors thought she would die that evening. She didn't, but she was never my "grandmother" again. The entire left side of her body was paralyzed and she lost most all memory and cognitive function...she couldn't talk or even write to get a thought out. She could interact with us as her care givers, but we aren't quite sure she understood we were "family" although she may have on occasion because sometimes when we had to bath her, change her, and groom her she would flush as if she was embarrassed. We always told her not to worry because she had seen the behind of everyone in this room too many times to count, and this was the least we could do after she raised 5 girls, 12 grandchildren and 10 great-grandchildren (that number has grown since then, but I digress). One time I brought my wedding album, since it was one month prior to her stroke, for her to look through because she was in a lot of pictures and I asked if she remembered that day....she just shook her head no. We always wondered what she did and didn't remember because she still looked longingly at the picture of my grandfather by her bedside. Maybe that is the power of true love, I'm not sure.

During all of this time (after her brief ICU stay immediately following the incident) my grandmother was in a nursing home. We had someone in our family with her every minute of the day, and I always visited her for hours on Friday nights. That is how DH and I spent our weekends that summer.....with my grandmother. Well one evening Thomas and I showed up and my aunt was there as well, so I started telling her the story of how I had lost my flip flop on the way to Greensboro because it flew out the window. DH and I hadn't laughed that hard in quite some time. Basically we were riding down the road, windows down, enjoying the day. Usually on longer car rides I take my shoes off and sit crossed-legged in the front see. Well, about half way there I look down and see a bee on my flip-flop. I'm allergic to bees so I wanted it out of the car as quickly as possible and decided I could just pick up my shoe and flick it out the window....no big deal. So I proceeded to do so and as soon as a flicked it, the wind caught my shoe with such force it blew it out of my hand and onto the highway at about 60 miles an hour. DH said my face was absolutely priceless, I was stunned it happened for a minute and then we both laughed until we started crying. So as I am repeating this story both DH and I start laughing again as well as my aunt.....then right after I get to the part about the shoe my grandmother looks at me eyes wide, jaw dropped and starts to laugh in the only way she can figure out how. I will NEVER forget that moment....it was the last time I truly connected with her before she passed away about a month later. She took a drastic turn for the worst right after that, ended up back in the hospital and eventually passed away in her home, on hospice, with all of her family there. I will never forget that moment either....holding her hand while she died, peaceful yet sad.....but that face, that look of surprise....the moment of connection after so long....was absolutely beautiful.

Thank you God for my lost shoe.

Right or Left?

I haven't told one of my life stories in awhile, so here it goes. Actually this isn't a story about MY life per se, but my Mom's life that I heard at my grandfather's funeral.

There are a lot of things I remember about my grandfathers funeral (10 years ago), but one thing that sticks out was a story the pastor told about him. My mom was one of five girls, all two years apart. Apparently when they were little my grandparents would take them out for ice cream on Sundays....sometimes. There was an intersection in the road home from church and if my grandfather turned the car left they were going home and if he went right the girls knew it was ice cream time. However, he couldn't do this every Sunday and of course the girls always whined when they didn't get their weekly treat. My grandfather would always tell them it was because someone wasn't good that week, etc, etc and that the ice cream was a reward so they didn't get it. In reality, as we learned at his funeral, my grandfather always felt extremely guilty on the Sunday's he couldn't get his babies ice cream....the truth was he couldn't afford the .10 cents a cone that week. He always wanted the best for his girls, and he felt guilty over .50 cents. Fifty cents made him feel like a bad father on those weeks he had to turn left, and he talked about it to his paster and friend years later.

I like this story for several reasons, all of which I am sure cannot be captured in a blog. Number one, it lets me in on a story about my grandfather I didn't know before, and I always appreciate that (sort of like the time I found out he was the 2nd wave on the beaches of Normandy). Number two, it seems crazy to me that he felt so bad over that ice cream considering the wonderful man, husband, father, and grandfather he was. However, just the fact he felt guilty over something so silly shows what a wonderful person he was. He was a great man, and I consider myself lucky to be his granddaughter because knowing someone like that makes you want to be a better person, and I still catch myself wondering if he would be proud.

The things you learn by losing your power.

~Number one, I didn't realize how dependent I am on electricity until I didn't have it anymore, AND I realized how ill prepared DH and I are if it happens again (this will now be fixed). Case in point, during the blizzard of 1993 my family and I lost power for a week, at least. Everything was fine....we had a kerosene heater that we cooked over and since our heat was from a wood stove anyways (it was an old 100 year farm house) we stayed warm. These were the days when playing outside was the cool thing to do (granted there was 2 feet of snow, and not just high wind like this time), and board games, puzzles, cards, and no tv or computer were suitable nights with the family. We had plenty of water and light from candles/laterns. However in 2008, these last few days have been crap without power....no heat, one flashlight, and a few candles (the first night). The second night we packed up a few clothes and stayed at my parents house...dog and all. This wouldn't have been so bad except for the dog situation, but either way I would have rather been home. All I could think about was how much I wanted to run on my treadmill, and all the laundry I needed to do. Crazy how things change huh? Although I will admit DH and I did play a game of Life that first night =)

~Speaking of home....I learned that as well. As much as DH and I really hate the house we bought (and we do). Right now it is our home, our safe, comfortable place. As much as we don't like being there on a daily basis, when we couldn't stay there anymore....all we wanted to do was go back....to our food, our bed, our shower, our fenced in back yard for the dog to play.

~Also, I have been quite the selfish person lately. Going back to number one, I mean come on, is three days without power really THAT big of a deal. Yeah, it isn't convenient but in the grand scheme of things, how much does it really matter? The neighbor across the street from me still doesn't have power, even though our block got it back yesterday. This is because one of her own trees fell on her power line and snapped it. Actually, since she was on the row of houses that never lost their electricity she would have had it all along if it wasn't for that tree. Either way, I now have power and she doesn't....so in essence, I'm lucky....even though I complained for 2 straight days about my lack of power.

~My dog is certifiably spoiled rotten. She refused to eat or poop during this whole deal (although the lack of pooping could probably be accounted for by the lack of eating). AND she whines like a bitch (ha, bitch) when she is in her cage and we are sitting in the living room or within sight so she knows we are still home. I am looking into classes that "make my dog act more like a dog and not a child", lol, but training classes will do just fine. It is totally our fault she is this way though, so we really need to fix it. She was a completely different dog when we brought her home last night.....she was happy, she listened to commands, it was great. Apparently she doesn't like change AT ALL.

~Lastly (and actually this has nothing to do with the lack of electricity, just the mail from yesterday) I need to start volunteering more. I really have nothing I do in my spare time. I don't have hobbies like knitting or scrap booking, and I don't have children....although I claim I don't have a lot of free time left, I really do...and I don't use it well =/. What does this have to do with the mail you wonder? Well, yesterday I got a donation request from the C.ystic Fib.rosis Found.ation (or CFF for short) asking me to give money for the "cause", and they would send me a free "65 roses" blanket and such. By the way, if you don't know the story of 65 roses, click on the link to read about it, it's pretty nifty. Oh, and if you have never read "Alex: The life of a child" by Frank Deford (who my dad actually met after he found out I had CF), check it out too. CF is my passion (for obvious reasons) but ever since my parents left the chapter around here I haven't done anything to help the cause. Why? I'm not exactly sure. It is odd for me because on one hand I almost feel guilty for being so healthy and don't want to "flaunt" it, but on the other hand I do want to show people that this disease doesn't have to take over your life...it doesn't have to define you, and I am an example of that. So I decided last night that I am going to start being more active in CFF and the local chapter (honestly, if I could find a job with CFF that would be my dream). I am going to start with my donation, and even check the box that says "Don't send my free gift. Please donate all of my money to the CFF"

Time and being a Mother

I wasn't actually sure what to call this post...anniversaries maybe, milestones perhaps? I dunno....both would fit, but neither seemed right. Anyways, today is the 3 month "mark" since my official m/c. Tomorrow is 4 months to the day when my OB confirmed I was in fact going to m/c and my mommy instincts may be worth something in the future.

I know 3-4 months is nothing compared to those who have lost who have reached their due date, one year, or two year, etc anniversary of their m/c, just like I roll my eyes at someone who says they have been trying for 3-4 months and it is "really hard". This post really isn't about that though, it's about time. Although my measly 3-4 months was not THAT long ago it seems like just yesterday, and it seems like forever ago at the same time. I imagine that this feeling never goes away. Will I always be celebrating the milestones of a baby I will never know? Probably.

The funny thing about time is it keeps moving forward, regardless of circumstance. It does not discriminate between the mother mourning her lost one, or the mother watching her child grow up too quickly before her eyes. They say time heals all wounds, and yes after awhile it is easier to deal with things like loss or death, but ironically it is time itself that reminds of of the fact these wounds exist in the first place.

However, this thought brings me to another one....mothers. I honestly dread the fact when I get pregnant again it will be labeled as my second pregnancy. I mean, the first didn't produce a baby so shouldn't I get to start over again? In addition, saying that this is my second pregnancy with no baby implies I'm not a "real" (i.e-one with living children) mother.

I have always found it so ironic that most infertiles say they "were born to be a Mother". I can join this rank, as I can honestly say I knew from childhood I was supposed to be a Mother. Not just because I loved taking care of my dolls or I was a good with children, but because something deep down inside *knew* it was my destiny. I want to be one of those Mothers that people look at and go "Wow, she is a great Mom" "She was born for this" or "Being a Mother just comes natural to her". Why does this feeling always seemed to be imposed on those who have trouble conceiving?
Disclaimer: In saying this I am excluding the portion of the population, mainly LDS, that believe they are born to be mothers because it is God's job for them AND they get pregnant easily and end up with double digit amounts of children....this does not apply to them.

Anyways...why is it you never seem to hear someone who gets KU'd in one or two cycles they just knew they were meant to be a Mom? Does this seem backwards to anyone else? It almost reminds me of something I told to DH the day after I confirmed my impending m/c. I asked him what was the point of taking my baby away? I already understood the hardship of infertility, I already knew how appreciative I was of being pregnant, my baby was already loved, I already realized what a miracle it was to have....so why? What was the lesson in experiencing death as well? Obviously this wasn't a question for him to be able to answer, but more me grieving out loud, but it still posed a great point. For those of us in the population who already knew being a Mother was our destiny....those of us who would appreciate and love our babies BEFORE they were conceived....why the struggle, the pain, the despair? Why not make the people who have babies by "accident" more appreciative by having THEM be the ones who struggle (even if just a bit) if it means their babies will be loved more.

Or, is it the fact that we do want this so badly the time we spend TTCing is filled with more sadness and heartache simply because we long for the end result more?

Power Outage Update....

So, the power company has moved the time of total restoration from Tuesday at midnight until Thursday at midnight....sheesh! Apparently this power outage affects 60,000+ of their customers. So basically I can get my power back today or Friday morning, no one knows.

Randoms things:

~My last post was post 100 of my blog!! Yay!
~Work is really bugging me today.....=/ Do you ever have those days where everyone who talks to you gets on your nerves? Yeah, thats me today...
~On the O front, I know I O'd yesterday but I had a really sharp right sided pain earlier...I get "afterpains" sometimes. I bet it is the remaining cyst draining/collapsing.

Well, look at that....

I did O yesterday! I knew I should be close so I just happened to catch my jump here. We didn't get a chance to BD yesterday because of work, and losing power and all; however we did BD Friday afternoon AND Saturday afternoon, but it's not like I'm hoping or anything ;-) I'm not going to temp anymore this 2WW, it was just nice to verify that jump.

OK, back to the power thing. All day yesterday our power flickered because of extremely strong winds, and finally around 3:30 it went out for good. Originally the power company said they should have restoration between 6 and 7pm....no biggie. Well, apparently this power outage is more widespread than they thought because the next time we called they said it would be Tuesday at midnight or Wednesday morning before everything was back to normal. Holy Crap! That's 3 days without heat, the fridge working, lights or hot water.....yeah, we are going to stay with my parents. It is nice that they offered, but honestly with our dog it's a pain in the butt because Ginger wants to play with my parents dog who happens to be a 8 lbs toy poodle....not the best of combinations there. Last night we took all of our frozen stuff over and put it in my parents extra fridge, but ended up staying at our house since the heat hadn't dropped TOO much at that point and we didn't have anything packed up at 8:00pm. Ugh....I was in the middle of doing laundry, and that is going to have to sit now (it was mainly work clothes too, so that sucks) and I didn't get to work out yesterday so I am going to work out with my mom and her Leslie Sampson walk-a-whatever video tonight....the 5 mile one. Oh, and my school ended up being delayed 2 hours, but since I had no way of finding out before I walked in the door I am here anyways. Actually, a lot of schools around here are closed because they are still in a blackout. We have back-up generators here since it is connected to a hospital but it took a little bit for them to fully power up....hence the delay.

Hmmm, I wonder if this means I can leave early since we get paid for this time even though we aren't here and I AM here and clocked in. Meaning once they add the 2 hours in today I will have a 10 hour day.....yes, I do think I will leave after my class at 3. How about you guys cross your fingers that we have power at my house by this evening and don't have to move out for a day or two....thanks a bunch!

Fate and misinformation

I tried to cheat today....fate didn't let me. Since I had EWCM on Thursday and Friday, DH and I decided I should take my temp this morning "just to see". I had a crappy night's sleep, but it was 97.4....definitely pre-O for me....huh, thats odd. I am going to check it tomorrow as well and keeping jumping DH at least EOD. Also, because I had to go out this morning to breakfast with the fam I thought I would run by wal-mart and pick up some OPK's "just to see". Trigs-Ohmygoodness, as a sidenote here my little niece was SO cute walking today. She just started doing it about a month ago (at 14 months) and she is just the most precious thing EVER! Anyways, my last two cycles have been really weird so in actuality I have no idea when I am supposed to O. Normally it would be this weekend around cd15 or 16 (today), but my last cycle on medication I didn't O until cd17 and the one before that (my first post m/c cycle) was cd 30. Anyways, believe it or not wal-mart didn't have a single OPK....WTH!!! Well, they did have the 30.00ish dollar digital ones ( clearblue easy maybe?) but I really didn't want to pay that for a random pee check. Oh, and on top of that wal-mart didn't have the mattress topper or the pillows I went to buy as well....seriously, what good are they?

Other things on my list of things to do today are several loads of laundry, go into work for about 2 hours, dishes, working out, and dinner....in that order. To kill some time while the laundry was going I turned on a Lifetime movie about some hit and run, and wouldn't you know it the first scene I saw was about TTCing (seriously, didn't see that coming). Apparently the detective in the movie is trying to have a baby with her husband and she runs in from the bathroom and goes "this is it". I automatically think she got a BFP of course, but then she goes "it's 99.5, come here baby" then proceeds to pounce on her hubby. By the way, did I mention it was the middle of the afternoon? Good lord that scene was riddled with misinformation....number one, temping in the middle of the day to gauge O, WTH? Then, if her temp was 99.5 she was presumably AFTER O and sex really would have been null and void. Ack....and the lack of knowledge continues. Then of course in true life fashion the phone rings and the detective has to go....she still tries to entice her DH into getting in a 5 minute quicky....made me laugh because I think we have all done that at one point in time.

What a sad face.....

That's what one of the guests at the shower said to me after she took an unexpected picture. She was a friend of my cousin's, not family, so she probably didn't have any idea about the m/c. However, I survived....it was like a knife in my heart (or gut, whichever you prefer) for an hour and half, but I lived through it. It was definitely bittersweet....I almost lost it when the dad-to-be put a monogrammed burp cloth over his shoulder, and all I could imagine was DH holding our little baby. Then I almost lost it again when my cousin started thanking everyone for coming and celebrating such a great miracle, etc, etc....her husband was holding her hand and then he kissed her.....yeah, that hurt. She will be 34 weeks tomorrow....I would have been 24 (our turnover day was the same-Sunday). She will probably have her baby in two weeks (health issues), and all odds are I will be starting AF. Hey, maybe I can get a surprise BFP on the day he is born.....I think God has a sense of humor like that sometimes....although maybe just thinking that I ruined my own surprise....damn.

Diaper D-Day

For all who have been following, my cousin's baby shower is today. I went out last night at got her the mandatory gift: diapers, baby wipes, and little handy disposable cloths....ugh, gag me. I actually said that to DH last night while shopping, and got a few odd stares in the baby department. Oh, and the card aisle as well where I go "did I mention I hate baby showers?" Now almost every person in Wal-mart thinks I am anti-baby, which in a way is kinda true....every baby but my own that is.

I've been thinking a lot about babies and pregnancy this week and here is what I have come to conclude. I think it should be encoded in our DNA that everyone who is TTC has to do it for at least 6 months until they achieve conception. None of this, oops, accident, we only tried for one month crap.....all you people can bite me. That is all ;-)

Limbo at the Play.boy Man.sion

I've decided that THIS is the secret to getting pregnant, lol. For those of you who have no idea what I am talking about (which Im sure is everyone), two words: G.eorge Car.lin. While watching the biography of G.eorge Car.lin with DH he talked about how his wife couldn't conceive for two years because of a tilted uterus, and right after they played limbo at a playboy party she found out she was pregnant with their daughter....he joked it "straightened her out" =P. DH and I got a huge kick out of this, and decided that asking Hugh for a brief limbo game at his house HAS to be much cheaper than IVF.....hmmm, what is his address anyways? Hell, maybe a dip in the grotto will do just as well, haha.

Fighting the urge

So, I had a little bit of EWCM today....it's cd (hold on, let me count) 13 so that seems like a pretty "normal" schedule. I rarely O on cd14 (usually it's 15 or 16) but there is a part of me that wants to run out and POAS OPK "just in case". Thanks to my friend, Nancy, I am a certifiable pee-o-holic, but I have decided I WILL fight my urge to go buy OPK's because I don't want to feel pressure this cycle. The sex has been too good to ruin it now. I will of course BD a couple of times in the next few days....maybe tonight and tomorrow night....maybe Friday and Saturday.....guess we shall see. I swear I am trying to hide from TTC, but it keeps finding me =P

Forward vs. Foreword

My grammar lesson for the day. Although this isn't a common mistake of mine because I do know the difference between the two words; sometimes I will simply mistype it and not go back and proofread. Nonetheless, I thought I would take today and educate.

Forward(as an adverb):
1.) toward or at a place, point, or time in advance.
Ex: to look forward too, from this day forward
2.) towards the front.
Ex: let's move forward to see the show better
3.) into view or consideration.
Ex: he put forward many great suggestions

Forward (as an adjective)
1.) presumptuous or bold.
Ex: many people believe it is too forward to ask about income on a first date.

Forward (as a verb)
1.) to transmit
Ex: please forward this email to the whole department
2.) to advance
Ex: the extra training class will surly forward your career.

Foreword (a noun)
1.) a preface or an introductory note, as for a book, especially by a person other than the author.
Ex: The foreword of the text book was written by a famous scholar.


Just some Thursday FYI. =)

Relaxing much, huh?

True story: DH walks into the living room last night, looks right at me and goes "So, how's that CM coming along?" Oh, and he actually said "C.M."...because let's face it, who really wants to use the word mucus on a regular basis? Cracked me up...I told him I didn't know, and even if I did I wouldn't tell him to keep it spontaneous =P

On a tax related note (Em, if you are out there, answer this for me): Is there any sort of future (or present) penalty for filing "married but filing separately" if you have filed "married filing jointly" in the past and are planning on filing "married filling jointly" next year? See, if DH and I file jointly this year we will get back a nice little chunk of change. However, if we file separately I get back a bigger chunk of change (because of our mortgage interest amount) and DH owes a little bit BUT the overall net return is greater than filing jointly. Oh, and to get the whole picture....I am itemizing and he is using the standard deduction. I'm using Turbo Tax so I have each return ready to be filed depending on what is best; I just don't want any hidden surprises this year, or the next.

Why people don't get it

Notice I said "why people don't get it" not "why don't people get it?" See the difference there? Rather than asking the question over and over again, I think I figured it out....

It is T minus 4 days until my cousin's baby shower (that yes, I am going to assuming her BP doesn't sky rocket again and they take the baby early, but that is another story) because although it will probably not be very enjoyable for me, NOT going would cause more of a ruckus in my family than going and being "anti-social".....maybe. Anyways, my mom and I were discussing this exact thing on Sunday, and here is how I explained it.....

For the most part, people (i.e-fertile people) don't see the forest for the trees (as a sidenote: is this statement "forest for the trees" or "forest through the trees" because I have honestly seen it both ways). For example, when I went home after my niece was born back in Oct of 06 and cried for two hours, people see that as being "selfish" because I was hindering someone else's special day. "They" think it is silly of my to be upset because certainly "you will be pregnant in no time" certainly "By the time (insert family holiday here) rolls around you will be pregnant and acting this way right now will seem 'childish' and self-centered" or "you are young". Which in my mind can be translated as....you are young and have a lot of time or you are young and fertile....pick your poison there. Unfortunately "they" aren't fortune tellers and little did they know a year later I wouldn't have a baby.....a year later, 2 days before her one year birthday party I would find out I am going to lose my twins.

The problem is people only see and react to the immediate. They only see how you are responding right this second, if you are having a good day or a bad day right NOW. What they don't fully comprehend is all of the bad days that led up to "the big one", all of the circumstances that are causing you to be anti-social (translate bitchy) at a baby shower or birthday party. They don't realize or care how long you have tried up until this point, or how long in your heart you know you will have to go to succeed. It is sad, but true, don't you think? And it is this ignorance that puts a stigma on those of us going through IF. It is the phenomena that allows people to call us bitter, cold, selfish, etc, etc. THIS is the problem with people.

Although I am more brazen about expressing this concept to other people in such situations, my Mom (God bless her) basically said she was gonna let anyone have it who says one word about how I act that day....she actually used the word bitch in our conversation and if you knew my mom.....hell just froze over.

Get the crash cart!!

Contrary to popular belief I am still alive over here. I know people have said it before, but it is weird how there is so much less to talk about when you aren't really "actively" TTC. Lately life has been hectic...work is busy...I'm trying to find another part time job to have "direct patient contact" for the PA program I want to apply too....we are looking into getting a loan to fix up the house...all sorts of things.

There really isn't a lot going on with the TTC front (obviously) except for the fact spot hung around for a few days longer than normal and we are just going to FD whenever we want (let's just say it was a happy night in the Major household when the Giants won the super bowl.) However, DH and I did talk about what we want to do after this cycle is up since now have a "deadline" for TTC...and here are our options:

~Keep "relaxing"....less stress, better sex, but most likely won't make a baby.

~Go back to Dr. W for another IUI and get great care, but pay more out of pocket (oh and don't forget the travel and going back and forth between clinics)

~Suck it up and go back to Dr. JA for another IUI because he is closer AND cheaper. As much as it sucks he is the only doctor right now who has A.) Gotten me pregnant and B.) Has a current, hands-on knowledge of my cycles for the past year and a half. However, this option comes with stipulations....I want to sit down and discuss what happened with him before my next baseline. I want to know why he didn't tell me the truth on my first u/s and why I never heard the first "I'm sorry for what happened to you" from him in person (I have run into him twice since the m/c) or from the office in general. No, I don't want him to apologize for my m/c because it wasn't his fault....I was going to m/c regardless of who's care I was in, but I want a sympathy apology. I want a fucking acknowledgment for what happened. I realize m/c is common in the OB world....but when you are an IF patient and have been going to that clinic for over a year...yes, I expect an "I'm sorry, come back and see us when you are ready to try again". And they can't say they "didn't know" because I had to call personally and cancel my 2nd u/s with him stating "I didn't need it anymore" Um, BIG clue right there, and I know my OB called and talked to him personally because she said she did.

~Lastly, suck it up, get a loan for IVF, put off fixing the house(to the extent we want) and go back to Dr. W. because Dr. JA doesn't do IVF.

Oh decisions, decisions.....

Six more tidbits....

Guess what, you guys get to find out six more interesting tidbits about me because Duck at Speculum Stories.... tagged me =) The rules are simple:


1) Link to the person that tagged you.

2) Post the rules on your blog.

3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.

4) Tag at least 3 people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.

5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Here it goes:

~My bridal set is an heirloom in my husband's family. When DH proposed he didn't actually have a ring, and when we told his mom we were engaged she let us in on this little family secret. Apparently his grandmother had left them to him when she died to give to his future wife. DH's grandfather hand-made both of these rings in a miners cut, which you can't buy anymore, so they are antiques. After we adjusted the size (her fingers were a 7.5, mine are a 4) it is absolutely perfect for my hand!

~I am a fanatic about skin care. I have a pore cleanser I use at night, a daily recharging cloth in the morning, a hydroxy mask I use twice a week, pore strips I use once a week, and I wear moisturizer with SPF every single day. Oh, and all my make-up is Almay.

~Twizzler cherry bites and Gummi bears are my favorite candy. Although I do like chocolate (esp. the dark kind) I prefer fruity candies and desserts.....except when it comes to chocolate pudding, which I will pick every time.

~People in my family tend to die on other people's birthdays. My grandfather died on my brothers' birthday on Nov. 16th and my great-grandmother died on my cousin's birthday, Jan. 25th. Oh and a close family friend (with CF) died the day after my Mom's birthday if you want to include that too.

~I have a hard time finding real perfume that doesn't make me sneeze or cough all day when I have it on. Ironically scented lotions don't do this.

~I get sun poison (technically a form of solar urticaria) when I go to the beach. Usually this means I have to lather up on high SPF broad spectrum sunscreen and take a histamine blocker before spending a day on the sand. It's annoying sometimes, but I deal and it doesn't make me love the beach any less. I think it stems from my exposure to many sun sensitive abx as a child....although my dad's half-sister has it so maybe a portion is genetic, who knows.

So, there ya go. More random things about me...am I any more interesting yet? =P Due to my lack of blogger popularity I'm not sure I have anyone else to tag....Shayna, have you been tagged yet? So, if you are reading this and you haven't been tagged yet.....get to it!!

**update: I now officially tag Morgan.