Addictions

I was nominated by Megan for the Mood Swings and Addictions award. Rules: post your 5 addictions and then nominate people....easy enough right? I would like to thank Megan for the opportunity to post more about myself ;-)

1.) Candy: Specifically twizzlers, starbursts and gummi worms or bears. Apparently it amazes my husband how much of these I can consume at times. When we were first dating we drove up to see his family in Richmond and on the way there we stopped at a gas station. I of course got a pack of starbursts. About 20 minutes later I laid my trash in the floor and Thomas goes "You finished ALL of those already?!?!" Nowadays he knows if he needs to "make-up" to me, surprise candy usually gets him back on the good side.

2.) TV Crime dramas: NCIS and Criminal Minds specifically....LOVE, LOVE, LOVE them. In another life I would love to be a part of the "BAU".

3.) Taking pictures of my son: Self-explanatory....honestly I can't get enough of the child right now.

4.) Japanese food...it's my favorite. Rice should be it's own food group in my opinion....yes I know it is part of a food group, but lets not get technical here, you know what I mean. In other words....I love rice....and all the yummy oriental flavors.

5.) Brushing my teeth: I simply cannot stand that "feeling" of dirty teeth. YUCK.

So, there ya go....and for my nominations I'm cheating a bit and opening it to everyone who wants to share a little more about themselves on their blog =)

Puke

You know you are a mom when your child starts puking in the grocery store and you catch it all.....in your hands.

Needless to say, Cullen is a bit under the weather right now. =( I thought the reason he wasn't eating was b/c of his teeth since his molars are coming in, however it must be a little more than that. Let's hope it is a 24 hour bug. Thomas is stopping and getting some pedialyte on the way home from work....fighting the crazies none the less bc we are expecting about a foot of snow this weekend.

Oh, and on a good note...my final exam was today! Yippee! No more school until the middle of Jan. Now maybe I can get some christmas decorations up.......

There are good days too

I miss me.

I miss being a person with energy, I miss being the person who went to the gym 5 days a week, I miss being the person who didn't need coffee to simply function or who didn't fall asleep at stoplights, I miss a normal hour'd job, I miss making dinner, I miss my clean house...not that I miss cleaning it per say but I feel guilty for how it looks 80% of the time now, I miss the sparkle in my eye, I miss being a wife, I miss being healthy, did I mention I miss having energy.....it all seems to boil down to that.

I'm just not me....the me I know I can be, the me I remember. I've been worn-out since May and very worn out since August....I've been sick....sometimes I really worry about that, but I would never let Thomas know it. I've been checked out....on here, in life, just in general.

Maybe winter break from school will give me a chance to re-coup......

Thoughts and Prayers

I'm not sure how many of you heard of this story. The Utah man who died after being stuck in a cave? Well, that man was my friend's husband. I would just please ask everyone to keep them in your thoughts and prayers. I ache so much for her.....she loved him so much. They had this type of love that you could just imagine them dancing the jig together at their 50th wedding anniversary. It was classic and timeless....she said she was lucky to have him, he was truly the love of her life. They have a little girl and another baby that is due in June. She is such a strong person, but this is simply tragic. Why does this always seem to happen to the best of people?

I have some more thoughts on this I will share a bit later, but for now....this post is about the death of a wonderful, godly man, a grieving wife and children who will never really know their father.

Then and Now

As cliche as it might be, I must do this post....no wait, I take that back....I have the honor of doing this post


November 18th, 2008

November 18th, 2009

Happy Birthday my sweet baby boy. We love you with all our hearts!

I'll take the newborn please.

Sleep.....glorious sleep, how I miss thee....

When Cullen was a baby and I was learning my way around this new mom stuff I didn't blog a lot about sleep (or potentially lack there of) because honestly it didn't seem that "bad" to me....at least not at first in the new stage....later on (around 4-6 months) I got burnt out but that was in related to other topics in my life at the moment. Yes, I was tired....but with Cullen, sleep was a pretty good issue, as in he would eat and then go right back to bed....so really I was never constantly tired. Then he started sleeping through the night around 12 weeks, so everything was good.

Let me just say, payback is a bitch I guess.

Like I mentioned before, I am now working nights.....7p to 7a, three days a week (weekends) and have school during the week....so sleep is now a HUGE issue for me. Let's just review my weekend up until now.....

~got up around 7am on Friday morning
~went to work that night around 6:15 and got home around 7:30am on Saturday morning
~slept from 8:30am to 10:30am
~ran errands
~went to bed around 10pm, got up at 7am Sunday
~spent the day with family
~went to work at 6:15pm Sunday
~Got home at 7:30 Monday morning
~slept from 8:30 to 1:30
~went back to work at 6:15 Monday night
~Got off at 7:30am today
~Class from 8 to 9:50
~Ran errands from 10 til 12:30
~slept from 1:30 to 3:30
~ran errands and picked up Cullen, dinner, and now it's about 9:30 at night

Let's tally this up.

Hours sleeping since Friday morning=18 hours
Total hours of time since Friday morning at 7am=110

But more than the lack of amount of sleep, when I sleep plays a role in everything too....I sleep random hours, and usually not solid...more like naps than a designated sleep time everyday.

And, the most ironic thing about all of this is part of my job is very similar to taking care of little ones....except imagine changing the diaper, and/or helping to the bathroom, and cleaning/washing a 130 to 200+ pound adult with limited mobility.

Trust me, I would take the new mom/new baby sleep patterns and exhaustion any day of the week.

Everything is different

Ya know, I have been reading my archives a bit lately and realized how much this blog and my writing, which ultimately is proof that I myself, have changed....some good, some bad. When I started this blog two years ago (on October 23rd I believe), I was in a bad place with infertility and my miscarriage...BUT in all of that my writing was pretty freaking good. It was emotional, it was real, and reading back on my words I could remember exactly what I felt at that moment and remember things that were going on. Reading it is like having a conversation with myself, my own personal time capsule if you will. This blog was also a place for my mindless thoughts, my everyday life about the weather and work and my dogs, etc....so it wasn't all negative, but it was all very much me at that moment. A bit more outgoing maybe? A bit more in touch with friends (internet or otherwise)? A bit more included in the blogworld? There are many reasons for the change I've seen. Speaking of work, two years ago I was in a job I quickly discovered I disliked (THAT was evident in my writing too), but overall it paid the bills and I had a pretty lax schedule so I ended up staying another year and half, even after the birth of Cullen.

Continuing on, then came my pregnancy, in which I started a 2nd blog to document everything that happened which led to less frequent postings on this one. Maybe that is where it all started to go downhill. I tried so hard to shelter others who still belonged in the world I once associated with that quite frankly, boring was the word of the day. Then when Cullen actually arrived I simply didn't have the time to post and even though I was filled with emotion of everything that was going on, even when I could post, I didn't.....I'm not even sure why. Suddenly, everything was private...not in the true sense of the blogworld private, but in the sense I just didn't share and my blog took a bit of hiatus. During this time I started several drafts that were simply never finished. It's almost as I felt anything I had to say didn't really matter because myself, and others, were busy with more important things, I had no association anymore...or it just didn't sound right in the end, I couldn't get my thought across.....it sounded dry and fake. My writing itself, just, changed. Obviously this reflects a lot on my state of mind this past year. Ya know, every person I get to talk to about "my story", my life and what it represents with chance and CF and everything, they tell me I should write a book.....how the heck can I write a book when I can't even get past my standstill on my own blog?

So lets fast-forward until now.....it's been an interesting 6 or 7 months, and my blog doesn't reflect it in the very least. Is it because maybe I really didn't want to remember everything? Maybe I thought I didn't need writing to remember...or maybe I was just so overwhelmed that writing about everything seemed an impossible feat. My marriage...rocky for a bit, but I guess the good thing about that is once you break something down, you can build it back again in hopes of being better....we are good now, we ARE better. Better parents and better partners. My work....I quit the job I hated, partly forced but partly because it was what I needed. I didn't like the person I was becoming there. I found a new job, for much less money, but I do enjoy it, and ultimately it changed my career goal in life. Which brings me to aspect of school....I'm back in it, full time, in a nursing program on top of working night shift full time to bring in what little bit I can financially. Quite frankly there isn't a day that goes by I'm not exhausted. I sacrifice sleep to spend time with Thomas and the baby because I feel guilty of all the time I am away working, in school, and studying.

So, speaking of money and guilt, this is a huge cause of my somewhat of a personality change lately. Follow me here......I quit a job that paid the bills with even a *little* bit left for spending at the end of each month, this job allowed me to spend evenings and weekends with my family. I traded it for a job working nights (b/c I need the shift diff pay), making much less money (as in not enough to cover our bills), and leaves me exhausted on the days I don't work. Ultimately I made this job change because I wanted to go back to school....apparently one Bachelor of Science just isn't enough. School which will add more money to my student loans (although I am in a tuition program with my work....I still need the student loans for living expenses....less money, remember?), stress me out, and make me have even less time with my family. So I'm already guilty about the lack of hours in a week to get everything done (not to mention housework is really low on my totem pole of priorities), I'm also feeling guilty because my actions put my family in a financial bind. We put our house on the market and really need to move out to get a cheaper place (as in rent until Im done with school), unfortunately our house has been on the market for four months now and although we have had over 30 views and 3 open houses....nada. I figure once the holiday season kicked in, we were pretty much screwed until at least the beginning of 2010 if we didn't sell before November....well, guess what....it's November. While we were waiting on my student loan check to arrive, things were bad....as in, my mom had to buy me groceries because the only thing Thomas and I had to eat was rice and pb and j and I'm truly not exaggerating. However, let me make a statement here that Cullen NEVER went without......I spent what little money grocery money we had left on HIS food and HIS needs, ALL of them.....I just want to make that perfectly clear. My mom also gave her church tithing money to Thomas and I each week to help out.....without that money we wouldn't have made ends meet at all. That is how bad it got.

In my head, I know once school is over this will all be worth it....things will change, but do you see where my guilt lies? It makes me feel terrible, which affects my mood and my personality. I'm tired of still being in school, I'm tired of constantly being in limbo. Thomas and I have moved 3 times in five years and once we move out of this house, make that 4 times....plus moving OUT of a rental in about 2-3 years from now. I will admit....I'm jealous of those around my age who are settled in their house with their families and "normal" routines.....I'm ready for that, I should HAVE that by now....I did my duty, I went to college.....got my degree, went to work, saved money......but that wasnt enough, it isn't enough, so I have to fix it now. Guilt, guilt, guilt....it's constant....I feel like I need to scrub it off sometimes....my quest for improvement has some very obvious short term consequences.

But, that is that, and that is what is happening and has happened. We are not so patiently waiting for our house to sell, I spend most my nights focused on work and my days with school. I spend time with my family every minute I have the chance and usually don't sleep because of it. I'm always stressed and tired. Caffeine gets me through the day. Did I mention tired? I still have two more years left of this.

Maybe I will re-connect with others better, maybe I will find my voice more often.....I guess this is a start.

Not ready for the negative

Since Im not ready to divulge the negative stuff that I have been going through since May, I am going to talk about the most positive thing I can imagine....Cullen! Plain and simple, my son has my heart. I'm just amazed at how much I love this little person who gets into everything and leaves my living room in constant disarray. His smile makes me laugh and tear up from overwhelming emotion, and he's just so funny and happy......and it's just amazing. He will be a year next month, and he's just learning so quickly. He's a super fast crawler, pulls up on anything he can, his depth perception is starting to kick in, he's standing on his own, loves to walk when you hold his hand, he loves to eat and try new foods (we have pretty much thrown out the food in a jar all together). He is already starting his vocab and not just babble with da-da, ma-ma, baahh (ball), buh (book), ba-ba(bottle), ju (juice), Biii (bite), bye-bye, na-na (my mom), pa-pa (my dad), and he will try to repeat anything you say to him....holy cow, my son is becoming a little person! I honestly just cannot say enough how much my little boy has changed everything, and I just wanted to share a few of my favorite pics from the recent month and trips we've been on.....

Real time

Currently I am traveling on I-40 sending this from my blackberry. We are coming back from our beach vacation. This makes me very sad, seeing as I could easily live there.

Hopefully this week my check will arrive and I can get my new laptop and internet back at the house. Then maybe I will catch up(and keep up) on all of my blogger friends, and give the real truth as to what has been going on with me since May.

::sigh:: If I close my eyes I can still see the ocean.

Dear Anon

If you really felt true about what you said, you wouldn't be anon now would you? I love how people can read one post out of someone's life and assume they know the whole story and THEN feel so compeled to comment but yet hide behind the wonderful "anon".

I'm not on this thing enough anymore to give long stories but for everyones information, giving my dogs away was responsible at the time bc they wernt getting everything they needed in our current situation. It just so happens that they found loving homes, and yes I still miss them like crazy. In fact, the moment we realized our situation had changed we went back to get our dogs. And yes, we did get another dog about 2 months later. It wasn't exactly a planned thing but we happened to be in the right place, right time to save her from euthinasia so we did. I would have LOVED to get my dogs back or better yet not be put in the situation where I had to make the choice in the first place.

There anon, do you feel better for my dogs and my "responsibility" to them now that you have gotten out your daily dose of judgement against others?

Summing it up

Sorry for the lack of communication....still no decent internet connection at home AND my laptop has officially died but here will sum up my life the past month or so....

Starting school in the fall, quit job, thought we were moving, went apartment hunting, gave dogs to SPCA, new job=lots of training, decided we can keep house with money from student loans, got a new dog b/c ours were already adopted out, received a buttload of medical bills including my delivery for Cullen (after 6 months!), 12 hour shifts, it's 2:30 am and I am sitting at work with 5 hours left to go, bearly making it paycheck to paycheck, Cullen is growing like a weed, miss him and my husband like crazy over the days I work, new job is making me rethink my career choice.....

WHEW!

It came and went.....

and because things are so crazy I didn't even think about it that day. June 2nd was my due date for the twins. Happy 1st Birthday babies. Mommy and Daddy still think about you and we love your brother fiercely. Thank you for watching over him.

Oh yeah.....

Yesterday was CD1. Yeah, it sucks......definitely worse than my PP bleeding. Also, posts may be few and far between for a month or so.....we are suffering from lack of secure internet at the moment. Will update about crazy busy schedule when I can.

Wordless Wednesday....Outdoor Boy!

A half a year later

I've been a bit slow on the blogging lately. No real reason that I feel like sharing right now, but I didn't blog about Thomas and I's anniversary (May 7th) or do a big Mothers Day post even though it was my true first. However, I am posting about this tidbit because it just just blows my mind: My son is 6 months old today!!!

Seriously, has it been 6 months? Has he really grown from this:

To this:


And at 6 months he can and does:

~Coo, babble, scream, smile and belly laugh (which he does all the time)
~Roll over both ways and subsequently all around the room.
~Sit up (a long time with assistance, a few minutes without)
~Purposely chose the toys he wants to play with
~Get upset when Baby Einstein ends
~One word....Teething
~Loves food. So far we have done cereal, peas, carrots, squash, apples and bananas (peas and banana's are the fav. so far)
~Loves bathtime
~And of course, prefers to be with Mom and Dad.

I love this time with him, watching him explore the world and learn each and every day. Happy half birthday sweet boy.

A mother's love is...

being attached to a moo cow machine at least 2 times a day.

being attached to a baby 2-6 times a day depending on the day.

being attached to IV meds twice a day. See....

I'm sorry for the silence lately, but as you can see above I've been sick. My doctor was going to put me on oral Cipro but because I'm still BFing, that was a no-no. My other option was IV meds that were compatible with it...guess which one I chose. Yeah, that beautiful thing gets to stay in my arm for 14 straight...only 9 to go...woo-hoo!!

Infertility Insight

Since I'm leaving (well, more like being squeezed out, but leaving sounds so much better doesn't it?) my job I've interviewed with my old employment, Applebees, and I have another interview as a CNA this Wednesday. Well, today the manager from Applebees called back to make sure I still wanted to work there (actually I want the other job, but I wasn't going to turn down a sure thing until I found out about this new position) so I said yes. She said to call her back closer to my start date (May 18th) and we will get everything set up. Then she told me to have a happy Mothers Day (because we talked about my son during the first meeting) and I told her "Thank you, you too".

As soon as I said it my brain went "oh no!". What if she wasn't a mother? I know she was married, but what if she was infertile, come to think of it she never mentioned children....what if she was forced to make the decision to live child-free? What if she was in the 2WW? I immediately felt bad for reciprocating the Mother's Day wishes. At first I thought "how could I forget so quickly how much those words can hurt?", but then I realized maybe the simple fact that I DID instantly wonder, instantly second guess that statement, means I didn't forget at all.

Funny the insight that infertility, present or past, can give you about common everyday interactions.

A bit jealous

OK, I may have to put a disclaimer here before starting my real post because I want to clear up a few things before everyone has a chance to ask or get all pissy about.

1.) I LOVE my co-worker that I am getting ready to talk about. She reminds me a lot of my Mom and if I could have chosen anyone to be my MIL, she would be it.

2.) I HATE, HATE, HATE she has had to go through this.

3.) I have been with her through the whole ordeal, willingly taken part in everything that has been given (including a large, homemade gift basket just from me), and I think she deserves every bit of it.

4.) And lastly, no I do not think finding out you have cancer and having surgery for it is the same as a planned C-section.

That being said, I'm a little miffed. Miffed at the fact I didn't get ANYTHING from my co-workers when I had my surgery and delivered Cullen. Well, I take that back, I did receive the standard bouquet of flowers my employment gives out for occasions such as that but that wasn't through my department, it was through a committee. Now see, back in November when I left, I didn't ~expect~ anything because well, that was more common than not. I got a phone call three times the entire time I was out (and even those had work related motives) and a few emails from the aforementioned co-worker to truly just check on me and Cullen around the 1 month mark(which I thought was really sweet). All in all, fine, that was cool because I didn't know otherwise.

Then, my co-worker left this Monday to have her surgery on Tuesday. She opted for a double mastectomy even though there was only a small mass in one breast. Her choice to be better safe than sorry, and since her lymph nodes were clear (Thank God!) she gets to skip the chemo or radiation portion unless something comes back. She is by all accounts, healthy....and the reason she was so shocked about all of this is because she always was and IS healthy and vibrant! But anyways, back to my point..... Yes, I realize this is a LIFE CHANGING SURGERY, but based on surgery status alone, I had surgery too AND stayed in the hospital longer! So, because of this my department (and other surrounding departments) have showered her with calls and cards and several bouquets of flowers (again, don't forget to read the top part of this where I say she totally deserves it and I am in no way saying she was lucky to get cancer). In addition to that, another co-worker suggested we make food to bring her b/c recovering from surgery is hard and no one feels like cooking afterwards (um, yes, seems I remember doing this not to long ago with a new little person who could care less if Mommy was tired or sore or hungry or thirsty). My boss even offered to go CLEAN HER HOUSE so she could rest up from surgery and not have to worry about it. Then when word got around we would be taking food over there, other departments pitched in and are sending drinks and snacks as well.

And now my confession which makes me feel like a total douche, but in the midst of coordinating all this the tiny thought creeped into my head of "why didn't my department offer to do this, or even a quarter of this, for me with MY surgery?". Yes, I was well taken care of by my family after having Cullen....I certainly got a lot of food (not to mention it was holiday season) and my Mom did and would have done anything I asked...but that isn't the point. The point is I did have surgery and spent 4 days in the hospital, I was out for 9 weeks, and if it is the thought that really counts....I'm feeling a bit jealous and confused of how little I was thought about in that aspect. Of course I'm gonna get over it (I mean, really, it doesn't ~actually~ matter at this point), but it is just interesting to see the differences as they are unfolding, and no I will never, ever, ever tell her I thought about this and NOTHING is directed toward her, and yes, it does make me feel better to get it out ;-)

On a bit of a brigter note...

I made homemade soft pretzels last night. They were very yummy and only took about 2 hours from mixing to eating =D

The day that shook the blogworld

I'm sure everyone now has heard of Shana and her sweet little boy Thalon, and as it turns out this tragic story is probably the result of SIDS. My heart simply bleeds for this family and I haven't been able to read any of her posts without crying before getting to the end. Since all of this has been going on I also sleep more restlessly. I find myself staying up later just so I can hear the baby monitor more clearly because I think if something happens I'll "catch" it, I check on Cullen countless times between the time I lay him down and the time I finally go to sleep, I check on him in the middle of the night for no reason simply because I can't sleep, I've put his sleeping wedge back in his crib so he won't roll over which is loves to do nowadays.....once he hit 3 months and moved into his crib I worried less about SIDS and now the fear has creeped back him. I worry when he doesn't make any noise at night and I worry when he does because I know he is changing positions. I know this feeling will eventually fade again, but in lieu of everything, it's back.

Coming up for air

Sorry for the lack of posting lately (and I had gotten so good at it again!) but this past week has been one for the books. In a nutshell, I...

~Turned in my 30 day notice and my last day of work here is May 15th (detailed post to follow)
~Interviewed for my old waitressing job...got the position. Even though it isnt' what I want to do right now a paycheck is a paycheck.
~Had some minor family drama.
~Took my dogs the SPCA (another post to follow).
~Started cleaning my house to put on the market(big ol' thanks to my mom right here)
~Been ridiculously pissy with my self-proclaimed lazy husband who needs to just get over himself.
~Pulled off my parents 25th wedding anniversary surprise party.
~Got another job interview for next week for a position I would much rather have (3, 12 hour shifts a week=more time with baby)

Whew....

Simple request

I was going to blog about the crazy stuff that has been going on with me lately(which I will do later), but today I had a friend receive some terrible news. She had to have a biopsy this morning of a mass on her breast and it came back malignant. She has breast cancer and is now facing a double mastectomy.

If you could, please sent some positive thoughts her way.

MmMmm....Cereal

All in all, cereal was a hit =)

Why? Trigs below

The infertility, loss and adoption blogworld is one of great complexity, and other than being a part of it, I am drawn to it for reasons I can't exactly explain. Of course I am sad and angry when cycles don't work out for those I "know", but the losses, oh the losses....they are like black clouds. Sometimes you see them coming, sometimes you don't, but you can never get away. I am strangely fascinated, well maybe fascinated is the wrong word... I'm not even sure I KNOW the word to use, to the losses. The point is, I read them, I hurt for that mommy or daddy, I hurt for that baby who was so loved, they make me sad, they make me cry, but yet I keep reading. Why?

A lot of times I don't even comment because sorry just seems so empty, but I do pray for those people and families, and I just can't seem to stop reading. I think back to my loss, which happened so early but hurt so much, and my heart can't even begin to imagine the pain of losing something so precious later on....after the first trimester, stillbirth, full term accidents, infants, babies and children. And then I think that maybe I hurt so much BECAUSE I have tasted a small loss, but even through empathy that physically makes my insides ache, I still read. It makes me want to run to Cullen and squeeze him, and kiss him and smother him with love, and at the same time it makes me feel guilty that I can do that, and it brings a whole new dimension to the IFers "survivors guilt". There is some irony in the fact things like this hurt, but make me feel blessed; however I hate that my self gratitude is at the expense of such a terrible thing. Would these people understand my feeling and appreciate that I understand my precious gift, or be angry I still have it? Maybe both? But that isn't why I read them. I have such an incredible reverence and respect for these women and families. I am in awe of them....in awe of their strength. Sometimes when I'm reading something particularly sad I have to walk away because it just becomes too much to bear right then.....I hate there are those who don't have that option and for that I am truly sorry.

I'm not exactly sure how to end this post, maybe there isn't an end, it's just that there has been so much loss lately and this has been on my mind. It probably doesn't make much sense....at least I know what I meant to say.

FYI

If anyone lives in or around the Roanoke, VA area I just wanted to let you know there is a free seminar about IF and IVF that is going to take place on April 25th. The session is open to the public and there will be a free basic IVF cycle given away during the seminar. You can find more details about it here.

Easter pictures

Cullen and my Mom

The cousins (from left to right, up and down): Kevin, my brother Freddie, Dawn, Me, My brother Jodie, Peggy, Brittany and Larry. We are missing Jeff and Kim to make the picture complete.
My dad and Cullen
The 2nd cousins (otherwise known as great-grandchildren-again left to right): Cameron, Shanley holding Lucas, Jessica holding Caiden, Grant, Carsen holding Cooper, Hannah holding Cullen and Bri. We are missing Elena, Myah, Aaron Bailey and Taylor.
A family of Four generations: My grandmother in the middle, My dad holding his grandson Cullen, my Aunt holding her grandson Tanner, Myself and my Cousin.
Kristen and Tanner, Cullen and Me.

And then there were 7

I would like to welcome the newest addition to my immediate family into this world. My SIL gave birth to her 3rd girl, Myah Cameryn, on Friday =). She is a tiny little thing...6 lbs, 6oz...but very cute. And for those who don't know...this makes my parents grandparents for the 7th time...5 of those in the past 2.5 years. Um yeah, needless to say Christmas will be hectic and we are done growing for awhile =).

Formula update and thanks

First of all, I want to thank everyone for their comments on the bath pics =) Oh, and Julie, the boppy looking thing you see in the sink is this. It is a cushioned seat. A few weeks ago Cullen just got too big for his EZ bather thing but was still too little for a hard bath chair(I never used an official baby bathtub for him, I HATED it...anyways)...I found the cushioned one and it's perfect. He can sit up if he wants, but also lay back without his head going under the water...these days he prefers to sit.

Secondly the formula thing went OK, but not great. The sitter said he really didnt like his first bottle and kept making faces but she divided it into 2, 3 oz bottles and by 9:30 he eventually drank it all. Then he ate his second bottle almost 5 hours later (his normal is 3-4 hours in between meals), but she said he was probably so hungry he didn't care. Then he completely cut out his 3rd bottle and waited for me to get off work....yeah, my baby likes the boob. We are going to try again with the formula mixture (a 5:1 breastmilk to formula ratio) today and see what happens.

Also, I have a question since I am new to this formula thing. I know that the can says to use within 24 hours of mixing (the whole not sterile thing), but if I am mixing it with so much breastmilk can I make it, combine it, put it in my bags and freeze it within 24 hours just like I have been doing with the breastmilk? Then unthaw it as needed and it still be good? All the information I can find says it doesn't affect nutritional quality but may cause separation of the products; however I believe this is assumed it is purely mixed with water. I mean, even breastmilk separates...but once it is heated it goes back to normal. Thoughts?

Bath pics!

Formula

I introduced formula to Cullen for the first time today. Well technically it isn't his FIRST time with it because we had to give him a bit of formula in addition to nursing in the first 24 hours after birth because of blood sugar issues (a side effect of my GD), but since then he has been strictly boobie juice. As it stands right now since he upped his ounces, I'm only about one day ahead of what he needs for the babysitter as far as stored milk goes so I want to build that back up. Plus, Thomas and I are thinking about getting away for our anniversary in about a month and I will need to have at least a 2 day supply for whomever (ei-my mom) is keeping him. So, in order to do this (because I am already pumping like crazy) I am going to start mixing in a little bit (an ounce or two) of soy formula for each bottle he gets at the sitters but still keep pumping my same amount and nursing him in the morning and night. That way, each day I will be able to store one bottle more than just enough to give him the next day.

Also, I was going to introduce cereal to him this weekend, but seeing as we just started this routine with the formula I don't want to overload his little digestive system so we will probably see how well he tolerates the soy stuff (I chose soy because he always had really bad gas whenever I would eat a lot of dairy) and then do the rice cereal thing NEXT weekend which also just so happens to be his 5 month old birthday (HOLY CRAP!!).

Coming up tomorrow....adorable bath pictures! =)

Introducing....

My friend Jenn delivered her beautiful baby girl...Caiden Lily. Welcome to the world little one....you have one great Momma!

Hi Mom! ::waves::

It is quite possible that my Mom will now start reading this blog because last night I wanted to show her the video of Cullen eating his toes and gave her this link to see it. However, I'm not sure she knew exactly what this page WAS at first, but once she figures it out and realizes it's a nice way to keep up with, I may have a new reader, lol.

So, welcome Mom...it's sort of like my diary around this place although stuff here should be nothing new to you because I talk about it in real life too. =)

Just because

1. My exes...are my exes for a reason, but I do wish them well.
2. Maybe I should...pay off my credit card.
3. I love...my son and my husband for father he became the day Cullen was born.
4. People would say that...I am very accomplished for my age.
5. I don't understand...child abuse.
6. When I wake up in the morning…I look forward to coffee
7. I have lost...my mind most of the time
8. Life is full of...decisions
9. My past taught me...how to be grateful, the beauty of nature and the importance of budget.
10. I get annoyed when...my husband talks politics
11. Parties are...fun, but not something I do much of anymore.
12. I wish...I didn't have to worry so much
13. Dogs...are a lot of responsibility.
14. Cats...are something my husband likes.
15. Tomorrow is...the start of another work week.
16. I have a low tolerance for...people with no common sense and stupid drivers
17. If I had a million dollars...I would be less stressed
18. I'm totally terrified of...something happening to Cullen
19. I've come to realize that my last kiss...can always be better.
20. I am listening to...the hum of the dishwasher
21. I talk...a lot and to myself in the car.
22. My best friends...are few and far between.
23. My first real kiss...was picture perfect, honestly.
24. Love is...something that needs to be nurtured.
25. Marriage is...hard work, but rewarding in the end.
26. Somewhere, someone is thinking...is it 5 o'clock yet?
27. I'll always...be my children's mothers.
28. The last time I really cried was because...actually, I have no idea.
29. My cell phone is...changing in 3 days.
30. Before I go to bed...I check on my son one last time and say thank you to the man upstairs.
31. Right now I am thinking about...the change my life is about to take.
32. Babies are...pure bliss
33. Today I...cleaned the house.
34. Tomorrow I will be...fed-up with work again.
35. I really want to be...a better version of myself.

Yummy toes!

Oh, but before I show this....Cullen rolled completely over on Tuesday =D. For the past week he has been like 7/8 of the way there, but his shoulder was stuck so he was technically on his belly, but still. He apparently fixed that problem two days ago because he can go from back to tummy in 2 seconds flat now; however he has yet to fully complete the tummy to back....we are about 3/4 of the way there with that, lol.

Oh, and by the way, I completely stole the video thing from Nancy, who by the way will be getting some potentially very scary test results back tomorrow if you could send some good thoughts her way.

Anyways, without further adieu....

Wordless Wednesday

Random fact

Well, more like a random bit of information about me....

I LOVE drinking coffee, but I hate the actual taste of plain coffee. See, basically I've decided that coffee is just a vector for my flavored cream and sugar (well, splenda) in the morning...yummy! So because I like said cream SO much I have to have STRONG coffee to counterbalance my love in order to prevent drinking "white" coffee (otherwise known as a latte, which I only like iced, not hot). Weak coffee makes me gag because it isn't "coffee-y" enough.

I am officially a coffee loving, coffee taste hating, strong coffee drinking, flavored cream loving gal =D

Camera hater and heaven on a spoon

Why does my child hate the camera so much? His smiles and laughs are the cutest and I can't share them with anyone. For example, Thomas had Cullen laughing out loud today....I mean, he was completely cracking up with a huge grin. However, as soon as I get the camera out to document this event he goes straight faced. One of these days I will catch his oh so handsome grins =)

In other news, have you ever tried this? It's Ciao Bella sorbetto (I've never had the gelato), but I swear it is heaven on a spoon. My favorite ones SO FAR (although I am sure I will enjoy them all) are the blood orange and blackberry cabernet with actual wine in it. YUM!

Baby gear and parenting.

So, as everyone knows...babies have A LOT of stuff. Granted, there is A LOT of stuff out there that you DON'T need, but none the less there is still a good amount of the stuff you do. Specifically things like carseats, strollers, and diaper bags.....basically all the "get up and go" gear. And all of this baby gear got me thinking yesterday and I want to pose a question to everyone out there.

Do you, knowingly or subconsciously, make an assumption about a parent's (the Moms specifically) overall parenting ability/capability by how easily they are able to carry around/juggle the baby gear in public?

Let me explain.....I am short, 5'1 to be exact and weigh all of 115lbs right now, so I am what most people consider "petite". I cannot wear pants unless they are specifically made "short", and I can easily find shoes in youth department....oh, and capri's...don't even get me started there, lol. It took me a very long time to find a stroller that suited my needs (as most of the handles were boob level on me....hip hip hooray for adjustable ones like on my Graco Metrolite), and wasn't too heavy or big because I wouldn't be able to easily lift it in and out of my car. Then there is the infant seat which I didn't think would be THAT different from model to model....oh how wrong I was. Apparently the seat WE got has a longer handle than most...yes, odd I know, but I have compared mine to several other Graco models. So, the combination of my shortness and the length of the handle usually makes me for a very awkward situation for me, and let's face it, Cullen isn't getting any smaller.

Let me paint a picture. When I pick the carseat up (straight armed) and stand up straight the bottom of the seat is MAYBE 4-5 inches off the ground. When I put it into the crook of my arm to hold it, the bottom is just a hair above my knees. This, as you can imagine, severely throws off my center of gravity, then you throw in the diaper bag and anything else and I'm a down right mess at times when I am toting him around because (and I admit) I don't look steady on my feet (hell, most of the time I'm not!). Also, just as a side note...we ARE looking for a new seat that better suits my needs, but anyways. Also, you can forget me putting his seat onto a shopping cart because I can't see around it OR over it. I look like I am 12 years old pushing around my baby brother. So...now do you get the picture to answer the question?

When you see me (or any mother like me) toting around my baby like this...awkward, seemingly unsteady, and in the case of the shopping cart...downright undoable....would you make an assumption about my parenting? Such as...."aww, poor thing" or "wow, she seems unsure" or anything of the sort. Would your opinion of someone with the EXACT same baby gear change if they were taller (which usually makes them appear older too) and seemed to do everything with ease?

Just Thursday food for thought.

Wordless Wednesday....4 months!