Ya know, I have been reading my archives a bit lately and realized how much this blog and my writing, which ultimately is proof that I myself, have changed....some good, some bad. When I started this blog two years ago (on October 23rd I believe), I was in a bad place with infertility and my miscarriage...BUT in all of that my writing was pretty freaking good. It was emotional, it was real, and reading back on my words I could remember exactly what I felt at that moment and remember things that were going on. Reading it is like having a conversation with myself, my own personal time capsule if you will. This blog was also a place for my mindless thoughts, my everyday life about the weather and work and my dogs, etc....so it wasn't all negative, but it was all very much me at that moment. A bit more outgoing maybe? A bit more in touch with friends (internet or otherwise)? A bit more included in the blogworld? There are many reasons for the change I've seen. Speaking of work, two years ago I was in a job I quickly discovered I disliked (THAT was evident in my writing too), but overall it paid the bills and I had a pretty lax schedule so I ended up staying another year and half, even after the birth of Cullen.
Continuing on, then came my pregnancy, in which I started a 2nd blog to document everything that happened which led to less frequent postings on this one. Maybe that is where it all started to go downhill. I tried so hard to shelter others who still belonged in the world I once associated with that quite frankly, boring was the word of the day. Then when Cullen actually arrived I simply didn't have the time to post and even though I was filled with emotion of everything that was going on, even when I could post, I didn't.....I'm not even sure why. Suddenly, everything was private...not in the true sense of the blogworld private, but in the sense I just didn't share and my blog took a bit of hiatus. During this time I started several drafts that were simply never finished. It's almost as I felt anything I had to say didn't really matter because myself, and others, were busy with more important things, I had no association anymore...or it just didn't sound right in the end, I couldn't get my thought across.....it sounded dry and fake. My writing itself, just, changed. Obviously this reflects a lot on my state of mind this past year. Ya know, every person I get to talk to about "my story", my life and what it represents with chance and CF and everything, they tell me I should write a book.....how the heck can I write a book when I can't even get past my standstill on my own blog?
So lets fast-forward until now.....it's been an interesting 6 or 7 months, and my blog doesn't reflect it in the very least. Is it because maybe I really didn't want to remember everything? Maybe I thought I didn't need writing to remember...or maybe I was just so overwhelmed that writing about everything seemed an impossible feat. My marriage...rocky for a bit, but I guess the good thing about that is once you break something down, you can build it back again in hopes of being better....we are good now, we ARE better. Better parents and better partners. My work....I quit the job I hated, partly forced but partly because it was what I needed. I didn't like the person I was becoming there. I found a new job, for much less money, but I do enjoy it, and ultimately it changed my career goal in life. Which brings me to aspect of school....I'm back in it, full time, in a nursing program on top of working night shift full time to bring in what little bit I can financially. Quite frankly there isn't a day that goes by I'm not exhausted. I sacrifice sleep to spend time with Thomas and the baby because I feel guilty of all the time I am away working, in school, and studying.
So, speaking of money and guilt, this is a huge cause of my somewhat of a personality change lately. Follow me here......I quit a job that paid the bills with even a *little* bit left for spending at the end of each month, this job allowed me to spend evenings and weekends with my family. I traded it for a job working nights (b/c I need the shift diff pay), making much less money (as in not enough to cover our bills), and leaves me exhausted on the days I don't work. Ultimately I made this job change because I wanted to go back to school....apparently one Bachelor of Science just isn't enough. School which will add more money to my student loans (although I am in a tuition program with my work....I still need the student loans for living expenses....less money, remember?), stress me out, and make me have even less time with my family. So I'm already guilty about the lack of hours in a week to get everything done (not to mention housework is really low on my totem pole of priorities), I'm also feeling guilty because my actions put my family in a financial bind. We put our house on the market and really need to move out to get a cheaper place (as in rent until Im done with school), unfortunately our house has been on the market for four months now and although we have had over 30 views and 3 open houses....nada. I figure once the holiday season kicked in, we were pretty much screwed until at least the beginning of 2010 if we didn't sell before November....well, guess what....it's November. While we were waiting on my student loan check to arrive, things were bad....as in, my mom had to buy me groceries because the only thing Thomas and I had to eat was rice and pb and j and I'm truly not exaggerating. However, let me make a statement here that Cullen NEVER went without......I spent what little money grocery money we had left on HIS food and HIS needs, ALL of them.....I just want to make that perfectly clear. My mom also gave her church tithing money to Thomas and I each week to help out.....without that money we wouldn't have made ends meet at all. That is how bad it got.
In my head, I know once school is over this will all be worth it....things will change, but do you see where my guilt lies? It makes me feel terrible, which affects my mood and my personality. I'm tired of still being in school, I'm tired of constantly being in limbo. Thomas and I have moved 3 times in five years and once we move out of this house, make that 4 times....plus moving OUT of a rental in about 2-3 years from now. I will admit....I'm jealous of those around my age who are settled in their house with their families and "normal" routines.....I'm ready for that, I should HAVE that by now....I did my duty, I went to college.....got my degree, went to work, saved money......but that wasnt enough, it isn't enough, so I have to fix it now. Guilt, guilt, guilt....it's constant....I feel like I need to scrub it off sometimes....my quest for improvement has some very obvious short term consequences.
But, that is that, and that is what is happening and has happened. We are not so patiently waiting for our house to sell, I spend most my nights focused on work and my days with school. I spend time with my family every minute I have the chance and usually don't sleep because of it. I'm always stressed and tired. Caffeine gets me through the day. Did I mention tired? I still have two more years left of this.
Maybe I will re-connect with others better, maybe I will find my voice more often.....I guess this is a start.