The infertility, loss and adoption blogworld is one of great complexity, and other than being a part of it, I am drawn to it for reasons I can't exactly explain. Of course I am sad and angry when cycles don't work out for those I "know", but the losses, oh the losses....they are like black clouds. Sometimes you see them coming, sometimes you don't, but you can never get away. I am strangely fascinated, well maybe fascinated is the wrong word... I'm not even sure I KNOW the word to use, to the losses. The point is, I read them, I hurt for that mommy or daddy, I hurt for that baby who was so loved, they make me sad, they make me cry, but yet I keep reading. Why?
A lot of times I don't even comment because sorry just seems so empty, but I do pray for those people and families, and I just can't seem to stop reading. I think back to my loss, which happened so early but hurt so much, and my heart can't even begin to imagine the pain of losing something so precious later on....after the first trimester, stillbirth, full term accidents, infants, babies and children. And then I think that maybe I hurt so much BECAUSE I have tasted a small loss, but even through empathy that physically makes my insides ache, I still read. It makes me want to run to Cullen and squeeze him, and kiss him and smother him with love, and at the same time it makes me feel guilty that I can do that, and it brings a whole new dimension to the IFers "survivors guilt". There is some irony in the fact things like this hurt, but make me feel blessed; however I hate that my self gratitude is at the expense of such a terrible thing. Would these people understand my feeling and appreciate that I understand my precious gift, or be angry I still have it? Maybe both? But that isn't why I read them. I have such an incredible reverence and respect for these women and families. I am in awe of them....in awe of their strength. Sometimes when I'm reading something particularly sad I have to walk away because it just becomes too much to bear right then.....I hate there are those who don't have that option and for that I am truly sorry.
I'm not exactly sure how to end this post, maybe there isn't an end, it's just that there has been so much loss lately and this has been on my mind. It probably doesn't make much sense....at least I know what I meant to say.