Thursday, April 16, 2009

Why? Trigs below

The infertility, loss and adoption blogworld is one of great complexity, and other than being a part of it, I am drawn to it for reasons I can't exactly explain. Of course I am sad and angry when cycles don't work out for those I "know", but the losses, oh the losses....they are like black clouds. Sometimes you see them coming, sometimes you don't, but you can never get away. I am strangely fascinated, well maybe fascinated is the wrong word... I'm not even sure I KNOW the word to use, to the losses. The point is, I read them, I hurt for that mommy or daddy, I hurt for that baby who was so loved, they make me sad, they make me cry, but yet I keep reading. Why?

A lot of times I don't even comment because sorry just seems so empty, but I do pray for those people and families, and I just can't seem to stop reading. I think back to my loss, which happened so early but hurt so much, and my heart can't even begin to imagine the pain of losing something so precious later on....after the first trimester, stillbirth, full term accidents, infants, babies and children. And then I think that maybe I hurt so much BECAUSE I have tasted a small loss, but even through empathy that physically makes my insides ache, I still read. It makes me want to run to Cullen and squeeze him, and kiss him and smother him with love, and at the same time it makes me feel guilty that I can do that, and it brings a whole new dimension to the IFers "survivors guilt". There is some irony in the fact things like this hurt, but make me feel blessed; however I hate that my self gratitude is at the expense of such a terrible thing. Would these people understand my feeling and appreciate that I understand my precious gift, or be angry I still have it? Maybe both? But that isn't why I read them. I have such an incredible reverence and respect for these women and families. I am in awe of awe of their strength. Sometimes when I'm reading something particularly sad I have to walk away because it just becomes too much to bear right then.....I hate there are those who don't have that option and for that I am truly sorry.

I'm not exactly sure how to end this post, maybe there isn't an end, it's just that there has been so much loss lately and this has been on my mind. It probably doesn't make much least I know what I meant to say.


Duck said...

I always appreciate your kind words, and would never be upset by your blessing :)

Old Mom New Baby said...

Great post. I think you said it all very well. You've described my feelings.
From not being able to stop reading - to not having words to reply, and even sometimes having to stop reading because the pain i endure for them is to much right now.
But they are always in my thoughts and prayers too.
After becoming a mom, I think the fear of loss becomes so intense it can be dibilitating, and that's why sometimes I have to pause and stop reading, pray now and go back later, and still I squeeze my 14 year old son and thank god he's made it this far, I dont worry as much of SIDS or other infant death causes. But I dont want to ever take for granted what I have with him. And I still worry (Like crazy)
I think of the women who have suffered loss all the time. It doesnt stop for me just because time has passed, and in honor of them - I do love and hold on to what I have now. I know for me with my own early losses, there was no getting out of being jealous of other women who had what I wanted, but I was only angry or hurt by the women who didnt realize and appreciate what they have, who dont realize how delicate,fragile and precious life is, (Or at least I felt they didn't)
I am so damn grateful for where I'm at today, an I will never stop hurting for those (whether loss or IF) who cant have this.