A day of remembering....

A little bit ago Calliope at Creating Motherhood came up with the idea of a day of remembrance for all pregnancy losses, neonatal death, and stillborns. Simply a day to remember....today is that day: Leap day, Feb. 29th....and every Feb. 29th to come. Although every mother can attest to the fact the memories of our lost dreams enter our mind on a daily basis, it is nice to have a day set aside that wasn't a due date, or a birthday, or pregnancy/childhood milestone....something unrelated to the loss itself (unless of course someone suffered any of the above on Feb. 29th, and then this day is exponentially important) but for me and my loss, Feb. 29th held no importance until now. So today, I will remember...just because, and I will share.

This whole blog was created because of my miscarriage. I had been trying for 2 years prior to my BFP and involved with IF treatments for one, but even with that struggle I never felt compelled enough to start writing about it. I had my outlet of close IF friends, and that is all I needed.....they understood, they consoled me, they celebrated with me. I do sometimes wish that I had an account of that time pre-m/c...although I remember it, it certainly would have been interesting to read. However, I digress a little bit. Even after that 3rd IUI when I found out I was pregnant I didn't blog, at least not online. Of course I had started my personal pregnancy journal, but after being in the IF world for so long I almost felt the need to keep everything private because none of my friends were pregnant, and I didn't want to hurt them. Then, IT happened.....

What happened was I had a questionable u/s at 6w1d with my RE....two very small sacs, no yolk sac, no fetal pole (and with that obviously no heartbeat). Two days later my heart knew this wasn't right and went back to my normal OB.....impending miscarriage confirmed but as we later found out still a slowly rising beta. The scientist in me knew this was never going to work out right, but the mother in me never stopped hoping....and that is why it hurt so bad. I must confess here that each u/s I had in the weeks following (while I waited to m/c) I secretly wished and prayed to see at least one baby....one real baby....one tiny miracle....but there was none, and eventually my body figured that out and it was over. I was unpregnant again, forced to TTC again, I was hurt, I was angry, my faith was shaken. This was not supposed to happen to me, and that is what compelled me to start writing. I desperately wanted to seek out women who this had happened to as well, I wanted to hear their stories, and in some strange way I wanted to feel their pain because now I understood it. I thought sharing the pain somehow made it more bearable, and in a way, it did. I also wrote this blog for others......I wanted to help women who go through this after me. I know that when I lurk on blogs I feel inspired by the strength and courage of ladies who keep going, who keep looking forward, who survive....I hope this blog is like that for someone. In fact I got a lovely comment recently that validated that need to help, and although knowing another person is out there struggling like I did is never nice....MY blog showed them they weren't alone....sharing the story of my babies served it's purpose, and it made me smile.

Oh goodness, my babies.....my sweet little angels.....how I miss you. I tasted pure love with your existence, and my heart aches for that again. This was a fierce love....a motherly love...a love beyond all other...and maybe most importantly...an immediate love. Your time with me was so short, yet it changed me forever. One night I dreamed of you...I dreamed of me being pregnant, talking to you, rubbing my belly...that was a wonderful night. I wrote a letter to you once, and I cried the whole time. I will never understand why you couldn't stay....why your lives, which would have been so fulfilled with so many things, were never able to exist. Forgive me, for I have yet to find something to symbolize you today....nothing seems quite perfect enough...I know you will understand. However, I will leave you with these pictures...because you never got to see the beach, our beach...I know you would have loved it.

I'm here, I'm here.....

Just nothing super special to blog about lately. Here's the lowdown though:

~Ginger is still super anxious about the new puppy and WILL NOT leave him alone. She constantly has to know where he is, what he's doing, what he's chewing on, etc, etc. If he leaves the room, she follows....every time he gets up she goes over and puts her entire mouth over his ears and neck. I have to correct her about every 5 minutes on it (which I hate). So, in lieu of all this I called the vet to ask about some medication for this hyper anxiety. Buster is incredibly tolerant of this, but only to a certain point (hell, I don't blame him, if I had someone in my shit all morning and night I'd get a little mouthy every now and then too).

~Day 3 of Clomid. Nothing new except the normal headache I always get with it (which I'm sure is exacerbated by the constant dog watching). I ordered my Follistim and it should be here tomorrow, then my u/s is next Wednesday....maybe IUI around next Saturday-ish.

~Cousin delivered the baby yesterday via C-sect....as far as I know he is still in NICU for observation (labor was hard on him), but he is well and should come home in a few days.

~I'm liking my job less and less, and let's face it, I still harbor some resentment over it in relation to my m/c because of all the budget stress that started to happen the week before the sacs stopped growing. Plus I don't think I get paid enough...put it this way, I have a B.S and make under 30K a year. My manager is a spineless man who doesn't like conflict and pushes it onto people who aren't getting paid to handle conflict (ie-me and the secretary). Last time I checked that was HIS job, and it is HIS job to stand up for his employees....neither of which he does. He passes the buck like no man I have ever seen.....honestly we all think he is flat out annoying AND doesn't do his job so that is a bad combo.

~Lastly, I'm hungry.

That is all.

It's as if the heavens opened and a light appeared....

OK, so maybe it wasn't THAT grand (haha), but it did help make my decision about my next IUI. I originally stated that DH and I were going to wait one more month before our next IUI, but I WAS having second thoughts about it and contemplated going in tomorrow for my baseline u/s. Well, tonight the phone rang and I just *knew* what is was for.....Mom called to tell me they were inducing my cousin tomorrow. Her BP was still high so they are stripping her membranes tonight and giving her cervidil; then tomorrow morning they are giving her pitocin to augment labor. The doctor says the baby is still very high and floating so if he doesn't move down before tomorrow night they will probably do a C-section. Anyways......THAT decided it, THAT was my sign..... we WILL go through with the March IUI. Baseline is tomorrow....here's to no cysts (the pain went away after AF started) a good med response, and a good sample to work with. I would say go ahead and hope for a successful IUI, but we will take it one step at a time here ;-)

My furbabies....as promised

Yes, this is my third post today so if you are just tuning in on this brisk Sunday, don't forget to read the other two and catch up. I had to leave work early because of the cramps.....seriously I thought I was going to throw up, but 2 extra strength midol and an hour later they are manageable and I can think clearly yet again ;-) So, as promised here are a few (ok, I admit...a lot of) pictures of my furbabies.....some are of just Ginger during a snow we had about a month ago =)


Hey Mom, throw the snowball already...

Wait, where did it go? I can't find it!

Yummy....I eat snow, and I think it is really good!

Hey, what do you think you are doing?

This picture is really blurry, but I think it looks like a cool watercolor painting.

Hello up there!

Proof of how hard it is to get a good picture of them playing outside.

Check out my ears! (They do that a lot)

OK dude, you might be cool, but I still have my eye on you!

Ok, maybe you aren't THAT bad....

A little closer I guess.

Highlight of Mommy's day!

Moment of peace....from the front.


Ironically, the last four pictures were taken as I was posting the other ones...I just had to grab my camera and share!

In other news....

Cd1....C, um, 29....piss on you infertility, seriously. Here is the game plan though....we are going to do March au natural again. Simply with the all the added new dog stress, I don't want medication/IUI stress on top of it.....I do think stress can affect your ability to conceive *sometimes* because your body perceives it as an inopportune time to get pregnant or you have poorer egg quality or delayed ovulation......so I'm thinking, why risk it because I *know* the next month or so will be stressful with the dog, my cousin's due date and my nephew's first b-day party....oh, and isn't Easter in March this year too? So, March is just me and the hubby, then we said we will go again with the injects and IUI in April. Also, since my insurance covers acupuncture, I am going to make an appt. for that as well some time in March, why not right? (if it helps in IVF, it might help my IUI too). I found a clinic about 3 minutes from my house, so I am going to check it out.

Also, I had the weirdest dream last night (when I actually got to sleep in between doggy potty breaks and general cage movement which I can hear in my room).....I dreamed that I was pregnant, it was Christmas Eve at my parents house, and my water broke while I was peeing. At first I thought it was a really long pee and then I looked down and realized where the water was coming from (I guess that is one convenient place to break your water) and I distinctly remember pieces of my mucus plug coming out too (eww, I know). However the weird thing of it was I was with Thomas, but I *think* the baby was my ex's (sorry babes if you are reading this, eek....it didn't make me happy either) or maybe he was just in the dream for some odd reason because after my water broke he was at the door asking what I was going to do today, and my response was "well, I'm going to have a baby if that doesn't inconvenience you". Then I remember thinking my tummy was way too small to be 36 weeks, which is what everyone kept saying I was and I didn't believe my baby had a face until the doctor showed it to me on the u/s......it was so weird......then the dream was over. I never actually got to the delivery part (which I have dreamed about before) but everything else was just so creepy.

PS-My cramps are a BITCH right now. It's the closest to my m/c cramps I've had since...the ones that make you shake and feel sick, the ones were your uterus is sore even when you aren't cramping because you cramped so much..yeah, those....OMG. I was going to take midol before heading out to work, but I forgot and didn't go back...thinking two hours wouldn't make too much of a difference....um, holy hell.

Life with Buster

Well, having two dogs in the house has been quite the adjustment. The new pooch is just great though....he is much better behaved and well mannered than the shelter lead us to believe, which was a nice surprise. Actually, it makes Thomas and I laugh because before the shelter allowed us to adopt him some lady sat down with us and told us that it sounded like we wanted an "average" dog and he (called Spud Jr at the time) was VERY high energy. Um lady, have you MET the little energy freak of nature in my car you let me adopt last year with no questions asked. This dog is NOTHING compared to her....she wears him the hell out (which actually posses quite a problem since we are trying to keep him somewhat restricted due to his surgery on Thursday). We are limiting the indoor play and doing 2 or 3 fifteen minute outside play times a day (plus of course, all potty breaks, which are a quick in and out).

Again, the new puppy is great....it's MY dog that is the issue (seriously, if I thought taking one of them back would be the only solution to the problem, I would *want* to take HER back, but on the other hand she is our burden and another family deserves the better behaved one-oh, and we are NOT at this point yet, I'm just saying).....she annoys the ever living shit out of him by trying to jump on him and grab his ears (apparently it's a dominance thing). He had enough one time and turned around to snap at her....she backed off, but we gave both of them a time out away from each other in their crate. Right now I am having a rare moment (with enough time to type this) because she is sleeping on the couch and he is sleeping on a pillow bed on the floor. We have decided that Ginger can keep her couch privilege if she asks to get up and gets down when told, which she does. Buster however is not allowed on the couch....but he seems pretty cool with it being the laid back guy he is.

I understand this is a huge change for Ginger, and we are trying to be understanding but she is pushing limits like crazy. As mentioned before we have established a "time-out" in which if she is doing something we don't want (like jumping on Buster simply for walking across the room) we will correct her with a stern NO. If she does it again, she gets a 5-10 minute time-out in her crate away from the living room. She is use to being the only dog and we know that..... but it is just an exhausting transition for US too because she is being a stubborn ass about it. She has only eaten once in two days because she is use to her food setting out and she can eat it when I put it down or an hour later if she chooses....but now, with the new dog I can't leave Ginger's food out or he will eat his and hers so we have established an "eat in your cage" rule. The little one could give two shits less about this as he loves food....Ginger however does not like this new arrangement and refuses to eat like normal. Oh well...she won't let herself stave, if she is hungry enough....she will figure it out. I think the biggest thing for Ginger right now is that we normally don't make her sleep in her crate....she has her pillow bed or will simply choose to sleep on the couch, and now with two dogs (until they get used to this living together thing) both are in their crates at night AND when we leave (which again is different from what Ginger is used to).

I DO feel bad because things have changed so much for my first baby girl (however, this may be OUR fault to begin with because let's face it...she was treated like a child, not a dog-luckily she is young enough were this can change), but we honestly don't know how to make this transition any easier (and she does enjoy the new playmate)....it is just going to take time. We still have alone play time with her, still give her praise/treats for doing good things, and we are diligent in making sure he doesn't steal her toys while she is playing with them. We take the toy back from him, give it back to her and then give him is own....it seems to work OK for now. We still make sure she is seen as the "first" dog....she is given food first, gets let out first......I really think he gets it, but for some reason Ginger feels the need to CONSTANTLY remind him. She will eventually figure out he is here to stay, and I think when he is fully recovered from surgery and gains a bit of weight he will be a better playmate for her. Plus, when the weather breaks we will start taking walks again AND both dogs will be attending an obedience class together.

So, those with two (or more) dogs...how did your dogs deal with the "new guy/girl"? How long did the "getting used to" phase last for your pre-existing dogs? Do you have any suggestions that we may not be doing that helped out?

Thanks!

P.S-I promise pictures are coming soon....maybe even pre-bath! I should take them and upload them now as we are still in our quiet moment, but I have go get ready for work and start the normal "potty,crate" leaving routine.

In true crazy, this cycle is a bust, infertile fashion....

Thomas and I adopted a new dog today. He is an 8 month old brindle and white American Terrier mix....we named him Buster. He and Ginger play like champs (which is the point because they wear each other out). Yeah, I'm crazy.....I will post a picture in about a week....after he is fattened up a little and has a bath (he was just neutered yesterday so no water immersion for about 7 days). He is quite adorable though, and we spent about an hour or two at the shelter seeing which dogs Ginger got along the best with and he was it.

The lady at the shelter said he would be around 50 lbs (which is what Ginger is) however he will be shorter because his legs aren't as long as hers. He already knows how to sit, but he still needs obedience training and we are going to get him in a class soon.

It is completely crazy we did this today, but it does have its benefits in the short and long run. =) Actually I remember saying when we got Ginger that if we weren't pregnant in a year we would give her a fur-sibling....so here we are!