I am NOT ready, and I learned today my work has been hellacious for the past 2 weeks.....long story short, lots of lying and back stabbing from the higher-ups, my boss may be gone and the department is going through a shake up.....what a great thing to go back to on top of the fact I didn't like my job when I left.
I know that every mom who has to go back to work goes through this, and maybe it would be different if I was actually in my CAREER instead of simply a job to pay the bills, but my heart physically hurts simply thinking about leaving my baby. Maybe it was the struggle to conceive him, maybe it was because every doctor said I was lucky to even get pregnant or maybe it was his miracle birth, but I am NOT ready to do this. I feel like that part in "Look Who's Talking" when she is in the delivery room and tells the anesthesiologist to give her more drugs than most women because she thinks she is in more pain than most. As silly as that line is to me every time because duh, childbirth usually hurts...it describes perfectly my "emotional pain" right now.
Also, I am tired of hearing "it gets better" or "the first week is the worst", blah blah blah....the point is...I don't WANT it to get better. What I want is to stay at home with my child (at least until he is old enough to tell me if something is wrong when left with someone else all day. This is not an anti daycare-in home or not- post, in fact I think a good environment like that provides great social skills....I just dont want to send my helpless 9 week old baby there, and there really isn't a reliable day care facility in my hometown without paying 850 or more a month, which we can't afford). Anyways...what I want is to care for and play with my son during the day, I want to join a Mommy group and take him to the park when it warms up, I want to kiss his boo boos, I want to teach him to be independent but also know I will be there whenever he needs me and quite frankly I don't care if I have to live off macaroni and cheese and peanut butter sandwiches for the next 3 years until I can finish school and enter my career....I AM going to make this happen, and soon.
Lastly I want to finish up this post by saying I never thought I would be like this. Honestly between the two of us Thomas was the one who mentioned maybe staying home, which made sense because ~I~ am the breadwinner in our family, but ever since Cullen was born all of this has changed. I can all the sudden see myself staying at home (again, at least until my career starts because I still WANT a career). I just never imagined motherhood coming this easy and natural. No one can seem to get over how well I do it. No, I am not purposely trying to toot my own horn here (although this is MY blog right), but I do take pride in the fact others around me notice my relaxed persona in caring for my son. I don't get anxious when he cries...if something is wrong, I simply try to figure out what, and honestly I think this plays a role in how little he does cry. Babies can sense stress and become fussy so I make it a point to calmly care for him even when I'm tired in the middle of the night. As cliche as it is, this is a role I was born for and for now, I want to relish in it.