Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Tomorrow is the day

I am NOT ready, and I learned today my work has been hellacious for the past 2 weeks.....long story short, lots of lying and back stabbing from the higher-ups, my boss may be gone and the department is going through a shake up.....what a great thing to go back to on top of the fact I didn't like my job when I left.

I know that every mom who has to go back to work goes through this, and maybe it would be different if I was actually in my CAREER instead of simply a job to pay the bills, but my heart physically hurts simply thinking about leaving my baby. Maybe it was the struggle to conceive him, maybe it was because every doctor said I was lucky to even get pregnant or maybe it was his miracle birth, but I am NOT ready to do this. I feel like that part in "Look Who's Talking" when she is in the delivery room and tells the anesthesiologist to give her more drugs than most women because she thinks she is in more pain than most. As silly as that line is to me every time because duh, childbirth usually hurts...it describes perfectly my "emotional pain" right now.

Also, I am tired of hearing "it gets better" or "the first week is the worst", blah blah blah....the point is...I don't WANT it to get better. What I want is to stay at home with my child (at least until he is old enough to tell me if something is wrong when left with someone else all day. This is not an anti daycare-in home or not- post, in fact I think a good environment like that provides great social skills....I just dont want to send my helpless 9 week old baby there, and there really isn't a reliable day care facility in my hometown without paying 850 or more a month, which we can't afford). Anyways...what I want is to care for and play with my son during the day, I want to join a Mommy group and take him to the park when it warms up, I want to kiss his boo boos, I want to teach him to be independent but also know I will be there whenever he needs me and quite frankly I don't care if I have to live off macaroni and cheese and peanut butter sandwiches for the next 3 years until I can finish school and enter my career....I AM going to make this happen, and soon.

Lastly I want to finish up this post by saying I never thought I would be like this. Honestly between the two of us Thomas was the one who mentioned maybe staying home, which made sense because ~I~ am the breadwinner in our family, but ever since Cullen was born all of this has changed. I can all the sudden see myself staying at home (again, at least until my career starts because I still WANT a career). I just never imagined motherhood coming this easy and natural. No one can seem to get over how well I do it. No, I am not purposely trying to toot my own horn here (although this is MY blog right), but I do take pride in the fact others around me notice my relaxed persona in caring for my son. I don't get anxious when he cries...if something is wrong, I simply try to figure out what, and honestly I think this plays a role in how little he does cry. Babies can sense stress and become fussy so I make it a point to calmly care for him even when I'm tired in the middle of the night. As cliche as it is, this is a role I was born for and for now, I want to relish in it.

8 comments:

Misty Dawn said...

I'm so sorry that this dreaded day has come. I hope that your work goes better than expected tomorrow and dropping Cullen off isn't too hard (I could only imagine). My thoughts are with you.

(((((((((((HUGS)))))))))

Monica Fayth said...

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Hopefully, it'll be better than you think. This si something I'm totally not looking forward to. Good luck!

Jen said...

Ahhh, Kat. I know this is going to be tough for you. The reason why I've felt okay with going back to work is that I do love my career and have a great daycare situation. If I didn't have those things it would be horrible. I can see why you dislike the it will get better remarks, because the reality is that you are not getting to do what you feel best doing. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it all works itself out eventually. Cullen has a great mommy.

Cate said...

Good luck tomorrow, cry if you have to and then when you come home shower that beautiful boy with love. For me it really hasn't gotten much easier and Lex is 15 months old, probably because of the reasons you listed, it taking a long time to concieve and just marvelling in your baby. Just take one day at a time.

Jen said...

I'm sorry that you have to go back to work. I hope that your work is better than what you've been hearing.

Kelly said...

I can't believe it's already ~that~ time! Ick! I hope you guys can figure something out so you can stay home with your sweet baby. Good luck!!

Aimee said...

I'm sorry going back to work is tough. I have to admit that reading your post was painful - particularly this: "I don't get anxious when he cries...if something is wrong, I simply try to figure out what, and honestly I think this plays a role in how little he does cry. Babies can sense stress and become fussy so I make it a point to calmly care for him even when I'm tired in the middle of the night." I have a baby that cries a lot and we finally determined that she has reflux. It's kind of like when a fertile tells an infertile to "just relax". I am calm and loving with my baby but she still cries and it took a ton of research to find out why. She's doing better now with medication, but still gets extremely fussy at night. Not trying to make you feel bad, just wanted to point this out to you. I am sure you are a wonderful mother but I hope I am a good mother too and my baby cries a lot and it doesn't feel good to read comments from mothers of calm babies that their babies are less fussy because mom is "relaxed".

katiem said...

Aimee, I knew this comment was coming and I'm actually surprised it didn't come sooner; however I in no way implied that mothers of "fussy" babies are bad mothers. I simply believe (and still do) that in any situation a baby(whether they have a "good" disposition or are "fussy") is going to be MORE fussy when the caregivers are tense and stressed. Babies cry when something is wrong or upsetting them, so obviously if your baby is fussy you wanted to figure out what was wrong and that is exactly what you did so I commend you and believe you are a calm and loving mother regardless of how much your baby cried because I certainly don't use that as a factor to determine a fit mother. I NEVER said relaxing would create babies who never cry and I'm not saying my baby NEVER cries, because he does cry and communicates to me the only way babies know how. I simply stated that with MY baby if I am stressed he is more fussy, and I was worried about entering him into an overly stressful and different environment.

I hope I just made myself more clear.