Friday, December 14, 2007
FINISHED!!!!
I just finished my last paper for this quarter of my MS!!! Thank God! I so need a break, and now I don't have another course until Jan. 7th! Happy Holidays! LoL
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
An awesome STD moment!
Never thought you would see the word STD and awesome in the same sentence huh? Haha, actually I just verified some news about my short-term disability. When I started working full time for the company I had been with 3 years I then became eligible for benefits. Well, since I already had great insurance through my husbands work AND his work offered std without extra payment from the employee I just assumed mine did as well (yeah, dumb I know) and declined all benefits through my own company.
Well, when I got pregnant back in Sept. I realized that I needed to look up on the std benefits for maternity leave. So, that is when I find out I didn't automatically have std through my company and even if I got it during open enrollment, my pregnancy was pre-existing so it didn't matter, why bother. So as we all know that pregnancy didn't end well, so when open enrollment rolled around again in November I signed up for std because I would need it once I got pregnant again (yes I was being super optimistic). Now my new effective date is Jan. 1st, which is all fine and dandy but put me in a bit of a bind as to when to continue with fertility treatments post m/c. Medically I was cleared to try again once I got my first real AF post m/c because everything was so small, passed on it's own, blah blah blah. Now, as we all know it is hard to tell what our bodies will do (in regards to cycles) after such a thing occurs....I could have a 20 day cycle or it could be 2 months before I see AF again so I had to wait it out.
Back to the present...I am cd 29 of my waiting cycle and based on CM and temps in all likely hood O'd yesterday. So, if this is true (and time will tell in a day or two) then I should expect AF on Christmas (if my LP remains the same as it was). Merry freaking Christmas to me...ironically I started AF on christmas last year....as well as thanksgiving AND my birthday...Rock on! However, should this be the case I would miss my std effective date by 6 days, and since pregnancies are dated from LMP I was worried my std wouldn't cover my maternity leave should we miraculously get pregnant again, and that would mean we have to wait another cycle (end of Jan) to start meds and that puts us at Feb. for the IUI. So, being the analytical person I am I called my std company again to see if pregnancy was considered a pre-existing condition based on LMP or conception....since in their own booklet a pre-existing condition is "any situation that would require absence in which you have had medical care for 90 days prior to the day before your effective date". Now, my train of thought is this....if my LMP starts before my effective date of Jan. 1st but my conception date is after my effective date then it can't be considered pre-existing because there was no medical care for this pregnancy given in the three months prior to Jan. 1st. According to the lady on the phone, I was right! I won't even have an u/s with my RE until cd13 of my medicated cycle so there will be NO medical care (OB, RE or otherwise) pertaining to getting pregnant or being pregnant until after my std effective date so I can go ahead and start my IUI cycle. Woo-Hoo!!
Now, the only thing that would throw a wrench in my plans (as it always does) is have some obnoxiously short LP for me such as 9-10 days.....then I am cutting it really close because at 10 days that would put me at getting my next AF on Dec. 21st and my first RE u/s on Jan. 2nd...Eeek! haha.
Anyways...that was good news for me....but I'm sure it bored the hell out of anyone reading it, lol.
Well, when I got pregnant back in Sept. I realized that I needed to look up on the std benefits for maternity leave. So, that is when I find out I didn't automatically have std through my company and even if I got it during open enrollment, my pregnancy was pre-existing so it didn't matter, why bother. So as we all know that pregnancy didn't end well, so when open enrollment rolled around again in November I signed up for std because I would need it once I got pregnant again (yes I was being super optimistic). Now my new effective date is Jan. 1st, which is all fine and dandy but put me in a bit of a bind as to when to continue with fertility treatments post m/c. Medically I was cleared to try again once I got my first real AF post m/c because everything was so small, passed on it's own, blah blah blah. Now, as we all know it is hard to tell what our bodies will do (in regards to cycles) after such a thing occurs....I could have a 20 day cycle or it could be 2 months before I see AF again so I had to wait it out.
Back to the present...I am cd 29 of my waiting cycle and based on CM and temps in all likely hood O'd yesterday. So, if this is true (and time will tell in a day or two) then I should expect AF on Christmas (if my LP remains the same as it was). Merry freaking Christmas to me...ironically I started AF on christmas last year....as well as thanksgiving AND my birthday...Rock on! However, should this be the case I would miss my std effective date by 6 days, and since pregnancies are dated from LMP I was worried my std wouldn't cover my maternity leave should we miraculously get pregnant again, and that would mean we have to wait another cycle (end of Jan) to start meds and that puts us at Feb. for the IUI. So, being the analytical person I am I called my std company again to see if pregnancy was considered a pre-existing condition based on LMP or conception....since in their own booklet a pre-existing condition is "any situation that would require absence in which you have had medical care for 90 days prior to the day before your effective date". Now, my train of thought is this....if my LMP starts before my effective date of Jan. 1st but my conception date is after my effective date then it can't be considered pre-existing because there was no medical care for this pregnancy given in the three months prior to Jan. 1st. According to the lady on the phone, I was right! I won't even have an u/s with my RE until cd13 of my medicated cycle so there will be NO medical care (OB, RE or otherwise) pertaining to getting pregnant or being pregnant until after my std effective date so I can go ahead and start my IUI cycle. Woo-Hoo!!
Now, the only thing that would throw a wrench in my plans (as it always does) is have some obnoxiously short LP for me such as 9-10 days.....then I am cutting it really close because at 10 days that would put me at getting my next AF on Dec. 21st and my first RE u/s on Jan. 2nd...Eeek! haha.
Anyways...that was good news for me....but I'm sure it bored the hell out of anyone reading it, lol.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Hmm, the great infertile gamble...
Although I know I don't have many readers (and thats OK, I'm sort of a blogging newbie anyways, haha) I wanted to get some other opinions on what to do my next cycle, combo or all injects. In a previous post I mentioned that my insurance will cover my first cycle with the new doc (minus the actually IUI procedure) because all of these u/s are seeing how I respond to the meds, as in diagnostic, however once the actual IUI is done, nothing is covered unless a diagnosis other than IF is found during the first cycle. So...if we try two more IUI's here is how it all breaks down....
Combo then all injects cycles:
Meds, U/S, IUI, Total
C1 : 10.00* , 30.00 , 315.00, 375.00
C2: 1000.00, 500.00 , 315.00, 1815.00
Total: 2190.00 for both cycles
Injects, then combo cycles:
Meds, U/S, IUI, Total
C1: 600.00*, 30.00, 315.00, 945.00
C2: 500.00 , 500.00, 315.00, 1315.00
Total: 2260.00 for both cycles
*this price takes into consideration I have 300IU's left from my last cycle.
OK, so as you can see the total cost for both cycles only varies by 70.00 so that isn't a huge point in how my decision goes. However, what does matter is if I want to pay very little the first cycle and then if it not work, pay over 2000.00 for the second OR do I want to pay a roughly even amount for both cycles? Here are my thoughts:
1.) If we go ahead with combo cycle for the first IUI and it works like the last one, I only spent 345.00 dollars...whoo-hoo!
2.) If the combo cycle doesn't work and I end up going to all injects the next time and getting pregnant I spent the whole 2300.00. However if I ended up getting KU'd with all injects I could have gone straight to the first part of option 3.
3.) If I start with all injects and it works, I've spent 1000.00, but if I was going to get pregnant anyways then number one comes back into play with spending initially less money for success.
4.) Then if I do all injects and it doesn't work and move onto combo and it does.....I've still spent the 2300.00 on success and used a method that I could have only spent 400.00 for.
5.) Another option is to do two combo cycles, which would total 1670.00. However, if I do this option and don't get pregnant either times I will probably end up trying injects before shelling out 10K for IVF and that will end up totaling 3690.00 overall.
6.) And lastly, none of options 1-5 apply and I end up needing IVF, so then it all boils down to how much money do I feel like being fucked out of until I realize it isn't making me pregnant? =/
Oh, and I should mention we are all set to do the combo cycle first. He isn't even making me come in for a baseline since it's such a drive and he didn't see any cysts friday. I already have my script for clomid and the pharmacy has my inject script on hold until Jan. However, Dr. W said that if I wanted we could easily switch to all injects first, just to let him know. So, what would YOU do?!
P.S- I meant to add this last bit before I posted this blog and the anon comment made me remember it. I am in no means saying that I wouldn't spend the more expensive option if it meant having my precious little one. I know in the long run, once I actually get that BFP (and have a successful pregnancy) then I won't bat an eye about the cost to get there, but unfortunately for now, money is an issue and in reality, it's all a gamble....
Combo then all injects cycles:
Meds, U/S, IUI, Total
C1 : 10.00* , 30.00 , 315.00, 375.00
C2: 1000.00, 500.00 , 315.00, 1815.00
Total: 2190.00 for both cycles
Injects, then combo cycles:
Meds, U/S, IUI, Total
C1: 600.00*, 30.00, 315.00, 945.00
C2: 500.00 , 500.00, 315.00, 1315.00
Total: 2260.00 for both cycles
*this price takes into consideration I have 300IU's left from my last cycle.
OK, so as you can see the total cost for both cycles only varies by 70.00 so that isn't a huge point in how my decision goes. However, what does matter is if I want to pay very little the first cycle and then if it not work, pay over 2000.00 for the second OR do I want to pay a roughly even amount for both cycles? Here are my thoughts:
1.) If we go ahead with combo cycle for the first IUI and it works like the last one, I only spent 345.00 dollars...whoo-hoo!
2.) If the combo cycle doesn't work and I end up going to all injects the next time and getting pregnant I spent the whole 2300.00. However if I ended up getting KU'd with all injects I could have gone straight to the first part of option 3.
3.) If I start with all injects and it works, I've spent 1000.00, but if I was going to get pregnant anyways then number one comes back into play with spending initially less money for success.
4.) Then if I do all injects and it doesn't work and move onto combo and it does.....I've still spent the 2300.00 on success and used a method that I could have only spent 400.00 for.
5.) Another option is to do two combo cycles, which would total 1670.00. However, if I do this option and don't get pregnant either times I will probably end up trying injects before shelling out 10K for IVF and that will end up totaling 3690.00 overall.
6.) And lastly, none of options 1-5 apply and I end up needing IVF, so then it all boils down to how much money do I feel like being fucked out of until I realize it isn't making me pregnant? =/
Oh, and I should mention we are all set to do the combo cycle first. He isn't even making me come in for a baseline since it's such a drive and he didn't see any cysts friday. I already have my script for clomid and the pharmacy has my inject script on hold until Jan. However, Dr. W said that if I wanted we could easily switch to all injects first, just to let him know. So, what would YOU do?!
P.S- I meant to add this last bit before I posted this blog and the anon comment made me remember it. I am in no means saying that I wouldn't spend the more expensive option if it meant having my precious little one. I know in the long run, once I actually get that BFP (and have a successful pregnancy) then I won't bat an eye about the cost to get there, but unfortunately for now, money is an issue and in reality, it's all a gamble....
OK, getting up to speed....
Whew, I finally have time to sit down and talk about my doctors appt. on Friday. Ironically, I have more downtime at work right now (it's exam week) than I do in my personal life on the weekends or evenings, but anyways.
So, I met my husband in Charlottesville on Friday (He was coming from the NFL game in Washington the night before) and we proceeded to meet our new RE. Right away I knew I would like this clinic. The waiting room was a very private, comfortable setting with couches, coffee tables, and an available water cooler. The front desk persons were extremely nice, and check this out, when it was time to call us back for my appt. the doctor himself came out to call our name and introduce himself!! Basically we went into Dr.W's (not to be confused with my ob Dr. Wonderful, however that could be interchanged) office and he went over my medical history.....HSG, lap, S/A for the hubby, medicated cycles, IUI's, and the m/c. Then he asked us questions about our family history, we discussed a little bit about my CF, and he asked the basic "do you smoke/drink" health questions. Next he sat back at his desk and goes "OK, now that the basic stuff is over with, what do you want to do from here, what are you expecting from me?" Um, did I just hear you right?!?! I'm sorry, I am a bit shocked you actually asked what I want....does this mean you actually care and/or acknowledge the fact I am a well educated patient? I believe so, and thank god for that!
So, as for treatment I told Dr. W that DH and I wanted to try one more IUI and then move on to IVF, he nodded his head and says that is certainly one option, but he also suggested trying at least two IUI's before deciding about IVF because we know I can get pregnant. Although he knows we are not new to the RE bit, he wants us to try and start with a clean slate with him; now that we know what protocol works (the clomid/injects combo), we can start from there and work our way up. I liked this idea and appreciated the fact he wasn't an IVF pusher since my last RE was talking about it during our first appt. I also suggest going to all injects, and Dr. W said that we could definitely do that if we wanted, however usually once we find the protocol that works in getting pregnant to at least give it one other go (and to save some money), since getting pregnant and staying pregnant are two completely different issues. He also mentioned that his all inject cycles have a higher success rate of achieving pregnancy (basically because it helps produce more eggs) but in either cycle, clomid, combo, or otherwise (other than IVF) he doesn't want his patient to have more than 4 eggs, and if they do he usually cancels the IUI. Perfectly reasonable in my book, so we are good there. However, we still have the issue of which to do first, combo or all out injects, and I would like others opinions on this so I will post a separate blog on this debate.
After the initial consult he did a brief exam; the usual-pelvic, u/s, etc. Which, btw although my lefty is still hiding behind my uterus the wand didn't hurt like they have been in the past, yay! All is well in the pelvic department, the cysts on my right ovary are gone and I have lots of atrial follies just waiting to grow for my next cycles...whoo-hoo! All in all I really liked this doctor!! I actually walked out of his office feeling like an intelligent, respected patient....and THAT is definitely worth driving 2.5 hours for!
So, I met my husband in Charlottesville on Friday (He was coming from the NFL game in Washington the night before) and we proceeded to meet our new RE. Right away I knew I would like this clinic. The waiting room was a very private, comfortable setting with couches, coffee tables, and an available water cooler. The front desk persons were extremely nice, and check this out, when it was time to call us back for my appt. the doctor himself came out to call our name and introduce himself!! Basically we went into Dr.W's (not to be confused with my ob Dr. Wonderful, however that could be interchanged) office and he went over my medical history.....HSG, lap, S/A for the hubby, medicated cycles, IUI's, and the m/c. Then he asked us questions about our family history, we discussed a little bit about my CF, and he asked the basic "do you smoke/drink" health questions. Next he sat back at his desk and goes "OK, now that the basic stuff is over with, what do you want to do from here, what are you expecting from me?" Um, did I just hear you right?!?! I'm sorry, I am a bit shocked you actually asked what I want....does this mean you actually care and/or acknowledge the fact I am a well educated patient? I believe so, and thank god for that!
So, as for treatment I told Dr. W that DH and I wanted to try one more IUI and then move on to IVF, he nodded his head and says that is certainly one option, but he also suggested trying at least two IUI's before deciding about IVF because we know I can get pregnant. Although he knows we are not new to the RE bit, he wants us to try and start with a clean slate with him; now that we know what protocol works (the clomid/injects combo), we can start from there and work our way up. I liked this idea and appreciated the fact he wasn't an IVF pusher since my last RE was talking about it during our first appt. I also suggest going to all injects, and Dr. W said that we could definitely do that if we wanted, however usually once we find the protocol that works in getting pregnant to at least give it one other go (and to save some money), since getting pregnant and staying pregnant are two completely different issues. He also mentioned that his all inject cycles have a higher success rate of achieving pregnancy (basically because it helps produce more eggs) but in either cycle, clomid, combo, or otherwise (other than IVF) he doesn't want his patient to have more than 4 eggs, and if they do he usually cancels the IUI. Perfectly reasonable in my book, so we are good there. However, we still have the issue of which to do first, combo or all out injects, and I would like others opinions on this so I will post a separate blog on this debate.
After the initial consult he did a brief exam; the usual-pelvic, u/s, etc. Which, btw although my lefty is still hiding behind my uterus the wand didn't hurt like they have been in the past, yay! All is well in the pelvic department, the cysts on my right ovary are gone and I have lots of atrial follies just waiting to grow for my next cycles...whoo-hoo! All in all I really liked this doctor!! I actually walked out of his office feeling like an intelligent, respected patient....and THAT is definitely worth driving 2.5 hours for!
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Two days and counting....
OK, so my new RE's appt. is in 2 days. This time Friday I will be driving to meet the newest member(s) of my "let's get pregnant (and stay that way)" parade. I'm actually pretty excited, and oh, apparently my first consult is not only a consult but an exam and u/s, oh boy! haha. Actually, I'm curious as to what an u/s this late in the game will really show him, however I will get to check my lining and see if I am finally getting ready to O on this cycle (if I didn't today, or maybe tomorrow). So yeah on second thought, I'm kind of glad for the u/s too.
Speaking of Oing, I had some spotting this morning and a fairly decent temp jump, although it is still in my *normal* pre-O range so I am just waiting to see what happens tomorrow. I'd like to buy an O please Pat.....Hell, that's what IF is about anyways right? Paying our way to ovulation? Haha.
Oh, and because of my new appt. I had to get my records transferred from my old RE's office and my ob/gyn's office. That was the first time I had stepped foot into Dr. Jackass's office since that doomed u/s, and honestly it was pretty liberating to be freeing myself from his care. My ob/gyn's office however took it as a big inconvenience that I needed my records faxed before Friday. See, normally that office makes you pay the copying and postage fee's for your records, and you have to pay the fee before the records are sent. Ok, thats fine, so I ask the front desk person today how much it would be, I would like to pay it now. To this she says the the "lady" who does records will be contacting me in a few days, and this is when I tell her I need the fax at the new location by Friday (which, btw I also wrote in huge letters on the release form). This is when she looks at me like I had just asked for her left arm and goes "well, I will let her know". Oh, I must also mention here that with the charting system my provider uses all they have to do is enter a fax number in the computer and records are sent automatically within seconds, so it's not even like it has to be done by hand. Honestly lady, eat a holiday cookie and cheer up! Haha. I'm not really complaining about that office though, I really do love it...maybe she was just having a bad day ;-)
Speaking of Oing, I had some spotting this morning and a fairly decent temp jump, although it is still in my *normal* pre-O range so I am just waiting to see what happens tomorrow. I'd like to buy an O please Pat.....Hell, that's what IF is about anyways right? Paying our way to ovulation? Haha.
Oh, and because of my new appt. I had to get my records transferred from my old RE's office and my ob/gyn's office. That was the first time I had stepped foot into Dr. Jackass's office since that doomed u/s, and honestly it was pretty liberating to be freeing myself from his care. My ob/gyn's office however took it as a big inconvenience that I needed my records faxed before Friday. See, normally that office makes you pay the copying and postage fee's for your records, and you have to pay the fee before the records are sent. Ok, thats fine, so I ask the front desk person today how much it would be, I would like to pay it now. To this she says the the "lady" who does records will be contacting me in a few days, and this is when I tell her I need the fax at the new location by Friday (which, btw I also wrote in huge letters on the release form). This is when she looks at me like I had just asked for her left arm and goes "well, I will let her know". Oh, I must also mention here that with the charting system my provider uses all they have to do is enter a fax number in the computer and records are sent automatically within seconds, so it's not even like it has to be done by hand. Honestly lady, eat a holiday cookie and cheer up! Haha. I'm not really complaining about that office though, I really do love it...maybe she was just having a bad day ;-)
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Where did I go?
Excuse me, can someone help me find my life again? Find ME again...All of the sudden I feel like I've lost myself, somewhere between the end of high school and now, I've become a person I don't think I recognize.
Let me back up a bit...I've always considered myself a very social person. I was a cheerleader in high school, part of the french honor society, national honor society, and well, you get the point. I was never a "partier" because quite frankly I never had time between school, extra curricular activities and work, but I always had friends and we always had a good time. Unfortunately I lost track of many of those friends after HS (which happens a lot I am sure) and my *best* friend moved across the country for college. I picked up and moved to Greensboro with my Ex hoping to start school down there, but since I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted to do I took a year off to work. I made some great friends down there, and was still able to come home and have a good time with my friends (and boyfriends) on the weekends. I was happy and sociable and life was good.....then I think life hit.
I moved back home to go to school (which I wanted to do). I have always wanted to go to college, I LOVE learning, and quite frankly I love being around other smart, driven people. At one point in my life I contemplated becoming a doctor or a PA. Now I must mention that right before I entered into college I got engaged. Slowly throughout that year, I stopped going out. I was invited all the time by my new friends, but felt like I shouldn't go without my fiance and since he worked odd hours, I just never went. It got a little worse when we got married. I was in school and working, and he was working and never really felt like going out because we didn't have many mutual friends. After I graduated I started working at the same college I got my degree from so I was basically still around the same "type" of people, however I have made a few new acquaintances along the way. Most recently I started my Masters program and between a full time job and my new degree, I never have time to go out and enjoy myself, and quite frankly I just don't have that many people to do it with even if I did.
So recently I just joined facebook, you know to check up with old classmates, see how things are going etc, and after going through a few profiles of people I graduated with I realized how strange my life now seems. Regardless of their relationship status, almost everyone I know has pictures of their friends, and outings, and get togethers...Nights out, or nights in, it doesn't really matter.....I don't really have any of that anymore. Is my life now really that dull? Do I really have no friends to share good times with? I am so afraid the answer to both of those questions is yes. I will be 23 next month, and all the sudden I feel like I am living the life of a 40 year old (no offense to anyone out there because I know some pretty damn hip mid lifers) but you get my point, right? I know I have always been mature for my age, and I like that. I am smart, caring, and independent, and love the fact I can handle responsibility well...but something about me is unsettled, unhappy with the way I live my life. Let me give you a rundown of my week:
Monday-Friday: Work from 8-5ish, depending on when I get done, come home (usually swing by the grocery store for odds and ins), walk dog and/or workout, straighten the house/dishes if it needs to be done(btw, no dishwasher), make dinner, work on my Masters, go to bed.
Saturday: Usually clean and do laundry, then do any errands I need to get to that week, pay any bills etc, then stay in the with hubby for the evening (which usually sounds nice but it always ends up with him on the computer and me watching tv or a movie)
Sunday: One of three things will happen on sunday, I will write papers and complete my weekly assignments for my MS, finish the cleaning from the day before, or go into work since DH has to work anyways.
Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Sometimes I don't want to go to sleep because it means waking up to it all over again.
What the hell happened? I am not saying getting married *ruined* the person I was because I love my husband, and after all, getting married was a decision I chose to make. But, sometimes I just look around, and even in married life mine is boarder line boring. I know I should feel lucky and be happy, I have a job that pays the bills, puts food on the table, and a roof over my head, I own my own house, and have someone who loves me very much....but yet, I can't help but feel something is missing. I do miss having friends, I miss those pictures and memories I see that everyone else has. Then my mind wonders if this is reason I want a child so desperately...to fill that void. Wow, what a big responsibility for that little person, and part of me feels like that in and of itself is wrong. OK, maybe it's not the whole reason for wanting a child, because first and foremost I do want to be a mother...but I do feel it is a little part of it. Something to give my life more purpose.
Wow, I feel like I am rambling just a bit...sorry for that =/. Well, it is late, and I must go to bed. Thanks for listening to my train of thought this evening. I'm not really looking for anything, and I may not be *quite* as desperate as I sound, but I did need to get that off my chest. Over and out!
Let me back up a bit...I've always considered myself a very social person. I was a cheerleader in high school, part of the french honor society, national honor society, and well, you get the point. I was never a "partier" because quite frankly I never had time between school, extra curricular activities and work, but I always had friends and we always had a good time. Unfortunately I lost track of many of those friends after HS (which happens a lot I am sure) and my *best* friend moved across the country for college. I picked up and moved to Greensboro with my Ex hoping to start school down there, but since I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted to do I took a year off to work. I made some great friends down there, and was still able to come home and have a good time with my friends (and boyfriends) on the weekends. I was happy and sociable and life was good.....then I think life hit.
I moved back home to go to school (which I wanted to do). I have always wanted to go to college, I LOVE learning, and quite frankly I love being around other smart, driven people. At one point in my life I contemplated becoming a doctor or a PA. Now I must mention that right before I entered into college I got engaged. Slowly throughout that year, I stopped going out. I was invited all the time by my new friends, but felt like I shouldn't go without my fiance and since he worked odd hours, I just never went. It got a little worse when we got married. I was in school and working, and he was working and never really felt like going out because we didn't have many mutual friends. After I graduated I started working at the same college I got my degree from so I was basically still around the same "type" of people, however I have made a few new acquaintances along the way. Most recently I started my Masters program and between a full time job and my new degree, I never have time to go out and enjoy myself, and quite frankly I just don't have that many people to do it with even if I did.
So recently I just joined facebook, you know to check up with old classmates, see how things are going etc, and after going through a few profiles of people I graduated with I realized how strange my life now seems. Regardless of their relationship status, almost everyone I know has pictures of their friends, and outings, and get togethers...Nights out, or nights in, it doesn't really matter.....I don't really have any of that anymore. Is my life now really that dull? Do I really have no friends to share good times with? I am so afraid the answer to both of those questions is yes. I will be 23 next month, and all the sudden I feel like I am living the life of a 40 year old (no offense to anyone out there because I know some pretty damn hip mid lifers) but you get my point, right? I know I have always been mature for my age, and I like that. I am smart, caring, and independent, and love the fact I can handle responsibility well...but something about me is unsettled, unhappy with the way I live my life. Let me give you a rundown of my week:
Monday-Friday: Work from 8-5ish, depending on when I get done, come home (usually swing by the grocery store for odds and ins), walk dog and/or workout, straighten the house/dishes if it needs to be done(btw, no dishwasher), make dinner, work on my Masters, go to bed.
Saturday: Usually clean and do laundry, then do any errands I need to get to that week, pay any bills etc, then stay in the with hubby for the evening (which usually sounds nice but it always ends up with him on the computer and me watching tv or a movie)
Sunday: One of three things will happen on sunday, I will write papers and complete my weekly assignments for my MS, finish the cleaning from the day before, or go into work since DH has to work anyways.
Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Sometimes I don't want to go to sleep because it means waking up to it all over again.
What the hell happened? I am not saying getting married *ruined* the person I was because I love my husband, and after all, getting married was a decision I chose to make. But, sometimes I just look around, and even in married life mine is boarder line boring. I know I should feel lucky and be happy, I have a job that pays the bills, puts food on the table, and a roof over my head, I own my own house, and have someone who loves me very much....but yet, I can't help but feel something is missing. I do miss having friends, I miss those pictures and memories I see that everyone else has. Then my mind wonders if this is reason I want a child so desperately...to fill that void. Wow, what a big responsibility for that little person, and part of me feels like that in and of itself is wrong. OK, maybe it's not the whole reason for wanting a child, because first and foremost I do want to be a mother...but I do feel it is a little part of it. Something to give my life more purpose.
Wow, I feel like I am rambling just a bit...sorry for that =/. Well, it is late, and I must go to bed. Thanks for listening to my train of thought this evening. I'm not really looking for anything, and I may not be *quite* as desperate as I sound, but I did need to get that off my chest. Over and out!
The dumbest of places....
So, all in all I would say that I have handled my m/c fairly well. I had two "major" breakdowns, one the day we found out and one several days after, but since then I have been so engrossed in the medical aspect of what was happening and so concentrated on moving on I haven't really been sad anymore. Maybe that is a good thing, but maybe not depending on who you ask. DH and I even got this little, silver ornament in honor of our babies that has two angels on it as a scroll that says "In loving memory" and a poem with it; you can see it here
The poem that goes with it always makes me tear up just a little, but I thought I would write them out (even though they are fairly well known)...
The poem that goes with it always makes me tear up just a little, but I thought I would write them out (even though they are fairly well known)...
If Tears Could Build A Stairway
If tears could build a stairway
And memories were a lane
We would walk right up to Heaven
And bring you back again
No farewell words were spoken
No time to say goodbye
You were gone before we knew it
And only God knows why
Our hearts still ache in sadness
And secret tears still flow
What it meant to lose you
No on will ever know
But know we know you want us
To mourn for you no more
To remember all the happy times
Life still has much in store
Since you’ll never be forgotten
We pledge to you today
A hallowed place within our hearts
Is where you’ll always stay
Author Unknown
Anyways, my point is...for the most part, DH and I are doing OK in that department. We can talk about it without being sad, and we are really looking forward to continuing our journey. Well, this brings me to yesterday, and the original purpose for this blog. Yesterday morning I went to get my regular pedicure, and right as I was finishing up another lady walked into the room for her manicure appt. and she was carrying a baby carrier. Turns out it was her grandbaby, and I am assuming the mother is younger because this lady looked a little young to be a grandmother already and she mentioned the fact they all live at her house, but I digress. This baby was absolutely adorable! She actually looked a lot like two of my nieces so maybe that is why I thought she was so cute...they had the exact same big, baby blue eyes ;-). So I go on to learn that the little one is about 6 months old....how sweet right? THEN I realize that my babies would have been that exact age this time next year because my EDD was June, 3rd, and THAT hurt. THAT thought made me cry a little....not a lot, and really not enough for anyone to notice, just a tear or two, but it was the first time in what feels like a long time I was actually sad about it.
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