Fear

Becoming a parent comes with a huge host of fears (duh, no?), and these fears start from the moment you see that double pink line. Mainly the overriding question of fear is "Is my baby or will my baby be okay?" and this question increases 1000 fold when the baby actually arrives into the world. However, pregnancy and a baby cause personal fears as well....."Will I be a good mother?", "Can I afford everything?", "How will my body change?", etc. For me, my biggest fear involved sex. As many of you know, my husband and I have had "issues" in this department. We used to have awesome chemistry in this department, but after years of planned baby-making sex and then attempts at conception sans sex at all, the whole idea of sex really went downhill. Thomas and I could go over a month and never even attempt to do the deed, and worse yet, not even care that we hadn't done anything. Also, even when we actually attempted sex it was, quite frankly, predictable and boring and more of an obligation that anything and we also swore that when I got pregnant it would be different because the pressure would be gone....

But then I got pregnant and things didn't change. We didn't have sex for the first 12 weeks because of our previous m/c....we were just cautious, then we just didn't have sex for no reason in particular.....we had sex 1 time around 18 weeks and then never again. I found out later my husband thought sex with a pregnant woman was weird, especially once we found out his son was in there. It is December and all I need are two hands to count how many times we have had sex in 2007.

Do you know what happens when you don't have sex with your spouse? Well, I will tell you......you start feeling really unsexy, then you become a bit resentful, then you just don't give a crap whether you have sex at all....and that makes you sad. So, given our history and the whole no sex during pregnancy thing my main personal fear was that I would never enjoy sex again....that my husband and I would never be that couple with great chemistry again who has really good passionate sex (hell, I would just settle for enjoyable sex at this point)....BUT something has strangly happened in my husband. Maybe it was the years of bad sex, maybe it was the suspense of pregnancy or maybe it is the fact we can't technically have sex yet, but whatever it is my husband has all the sudden turned over a new leaf. He kisses me.....and I don't just mean any kiss, I mean deep, passionate, open-mouth kisses (which btw, he used to hate to do). He grabs me just to make out and is in control of it (which I find a complete turn on), and he is all the sudden willing to do "other stuff" that normally didn't play a role in our sex life to begin with.....um, what in the world happend to my husband?!? I swear it was like he took a pill or something and got his libido back after it being in suspension for so long.

Case in point...while I was writing this he just grabbed me and started making out on the couch....quite frankly, I LOVE it. If we could actually have sex now (yes, I am waiting the full 6 weeks even though I have stopped bleeding...plus my muscles are still a bit sore) I have no doubt it would be effin hot, because right now...well, my husband is hot as hell. His normally reserved attitude about sex has been liberated and returned to our dating state.

All I can say is....I am so glad I don't have to worry about THIS fear anymore. I am a month postpartum and I feel so freaking sexy....rock on to my husband.