Friday, January 4, 2008
Ah, that familiar burn...
No, not THAT familiar burn...no UTI or YI here...just the simple pinprick of Follistim. Follistim always burns a little about 5 minutes after I inject it. It's not the needle or the alcohol, it's the actual medication that burns just slightly after it goes in. Does anyone else get this? I for one am actually relieved to get this burning because it is verification the medication actually went in like it was supposed to, and there wasn't some sort of crazy malfunctioning with the pen or needle or meds (although those Follistim AQ pens are pretty much idiot proof, but still). When you really think about it, an IU unit is VERY small so at 75IU's I am only injecting a few drops of my own personal liquid gold (hopefully) so validation of it's existance is always appreciated. Yes, I like that burn...it gives me just a little bit of satisfaction... and yeah, I know, I'm a bit crazy like that....
Thursday, January 3, 2008
I think I really hate Facebook
As everyone knows, Facebook is a place to keep in touch with friends you graduated with/went to school with/go to school with, and I think I hate it. First all, I have come to realize that I still keep in touch (regardless of the internet) with the friends I was closest to, and keeping up with other acquaintances sometimes boarders on just being nosy about their life and checking up on the way they have changed or not. I think a lot of this is self-validation....to know you look better than the girl who thought she was top shit ...petty yes, I know-oh well....or to see if people fulfilled their dreams or potential.
However, this can also go both ways.....maybe you see that YOU are the one lagging behind per se in life and THAT is why I hate it the most. See, this has happened to me over the past few months because I have come to realize how many people I graduated with are either A-glowingly pregnant or B-already have children. Seeing this phenomena literally makes my stomach turn sometimes...which btw I have always found it interesting that an emotional response can trigger a physical reaction.... but anyways. Not to mention this fact makes me nervous about my upcoming IUI....no clue why, I'm used to this crap by now...but damn you IF!!!
Who the hell hears of a 20 year old (that's how old I was when we started trying and I turn 23 in three weeks) that is infertile....infertile without explanation at that....which, btw should be considered an oxymoron. Seriously....an early 20 something chick with no reproductive problems and a husband with good sperm who takes over two years to get KU'd.....W.T.H. Now in saying this I am no way implying that if I was older IF would be "normal" because IF is never normal, or fair for that matter....I am just talking about how you almost never hear of "young" people with IF for no reason, and the barrage of preggo's and mommies on Facebook proves my point. Every time I get the new pictures or updates I think I am prepared to look....I'm not.....
I think I need to put my account on hold.
**afterthought: Maybe the fact you don't see as many "young" infertiles is the fact that a lot of younger adults haven't been trying to TTC. "They" (one day I want to be a part of the illustrious they, haha) say that the age of motherhood various between generations and usually bounces back and forth to older verses younger. Maybe the majority of the ladies TTCing right now are a part of the generation who waited to start a family, and now the pendulum is swinging back in the other direction and young adults are trying to start this process earlier. As a result, we may see a lot more young adult IFer's out there in the next upcoming years....just a thought.
However, this can also go both ways.....maybe you see that YOU are the one lagging behind per se in life and THAT is why I hate it the most. See, this has happened to me over the past few months because I have come to realize how many people I graduated with are either A-glowingly pregnant or B-already have children. Seeing this phenomena literally makes my stomach turn sometimes...which btw I have always found it interesting that an emotional response can trigger a physical reaction.... but anyways. Not to mention this fact makes me nervous about my upcoming IUI....no clue why, I'm used to this crap by now...but damn you IF!!!
Who the hell hears of a 20 year old (that's how old I was when we started trying and I turn 23 in three weeks) that is infertile....infertile without explanation at that....which, btw should be considered an oxymoron. Seriously....an early 20 something chick with no reproductive problems and a husband with good sperm who takes over two years to get KU'd.....W.T.H. Now in saying this I am no way implying that if I was older IF would be "normal" because IF is never normal, or fair for that matter....I am just talking about how you almost never hear of "young" people with IF for no reason, and the barrage of preggo's and mommies on Facebook proves my point. Every time I get the new pictures or updates I think I am prepared to look....I'm not.....
I think I need to put my account on hold.
**afterthought: Maybe the fact you don't see as many "young" infertiles is the fact that a lot of younger adults haven't been trying to TTC. "They" (one day I want to be a part of the illustrious they, haha) say that the age of motherhood various between generations and usually bounces back and forth to older verses younger. Maybe the majority of the ladies TTCing right now are a part of the generation who waited to start a family, and now the pendulum is swinging back in the other direction and young adults are trying to start this process earlier. As a result, we may see a lot more young adult IFer's out there in the next upcoming years....just a thought.
Birthdays and other stuff.....
I got my mid-cycle u/s scheduled today, which will be at my normal OB's office and not the RE's to save the 4 hour round trip up there, and ordered my trigger. I hope I still have needles for that because they didn't send any...oh well, I have some at work I can get if I need. I start my injects tonight, u/s on Tuesday, and based on past results an IUI next Thursday (I'm pretty sure I've already said this on here, but oh well). One week from today I may be on my way to preggo-ness again...ack!
My Mom's birthday is tomorrow, which means mine is in 19 days....oh, and I can test then too...complete double ack!
Lastly...my feet are frozen...damn office.
My Mom's birthday is tomorrow, which means mine is in 19 days....oh, and I can test then too...complete double ack!
Lastly...my feet are frozen...damn office.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
And lefty is stepping up to the plate
At least I *think* she is. My last medicated cycle I thought lefty was going to be dominate because of my twinges but sure enough righty sprouted a 20mm follie at cd12, and a 14mm follie lagging behind on the left. I actually prefer my eggs to be on the right so I'm hoping it works out like it did last time with at least one on each side.
Why you ask? Other than the obvious hope of having more than one eggie, or targets as my RE likes to refer to them as, if you check back on this post you will be reminded of the anatomical weirdness of my left side AND even my HSG results back in Sept. 2006 showed (although both sides spilled) a funny turning left tube. Maybe I just feel them more on the left because of my ovary positioning....it's a thought.
Either way, GROW FOLLIES GROW!!! =)
Why you ask? Other than the obvious hope of having more than one eggie, or targets as my RE likes to refer to them as, if you check back on this post you will be reminded of the anatomical weirdness of my left side AND even my HSG results back in Sept. 2006 showed (although both sides spilled) a funny turning left tube. Maybe I just feel them more on the left because of my ovary positioning....it's a thought.
Either way, GROW FOLLIES GROW!!! =)
Living or Dealing?
Isn't it funny how IF just becomes part of your life and integrates itself into everything you do, however just as oddly I have found that this CAN be a good thing. Somewhere down this road I transitioned from "a person dealing/coping with IF" to "a person living with IF". I much definitely prefer the latter because although yes, both options suck, living with IF means it is just a part of who I am. It's not something I think about or worry about constantly, it's something I just do...without thinking, without hesitation.
On the other side of this, maybe that means I am less hopeful (hell, who am I kidding of course I have less-although not completely void of-hope) because realism of will probably happen eases the hurt (just a little) when it actually does. Think about it, when does a person in the TTC/IF world have the most hope? My obvious answer here is when a new protocol is started....that first medicated cycle, the first transition from timed BDing to an IUI, going from oral meds to injects, the first round of IVF. All these events in the IF journey bring hope because THIS round is different, THIS round gives me better odds, THIS round will work....and then, when does an IFer feel hurt the most? When these new milestones fail as well because a newfound, renewed hope was lost again, and not only are you dealing with the grief over a maybe baby but you must also come to terms with the fact the new method didn't work either.It always hurts the worse to fall from the highest branch.
So in lieu of this, maybe, just maybe Im hoping if I chose to live with IF instead of just dealing with it, it won't sting as bad. But, more importantly it won't define who I am...it just becomes a part of who I am, and that person is confident, strong, and yes, even cautiously optimistic at times. So, are you living or dealing?
On the other side of this, maybe that means I am less hopeful (hell, who am I kidding of course I have less-although not completely void of-hope) because realism of will probably happen eases the hurt (just a little) when it actually does. Think about it, when does a person in the TTC/IF world have the most hope? My obvious answer here is when a new protocol is started....that first medicated cycle, the first transition from timed BDing to an IUI, going from oral meds to injects, the first round of IVF. All these events in the IF journey bring hope because THIS round is different, THIS round gives me better odds, THIS round will work....and then, when does an IFer feel hurt the most? When these new milestones fail as well because a newfound, renewed hope was lost again, and not only are you dealing with the grief over a maybe baby but you must also come to terms with the fact the new method didn't work either.It always hurts the worse to fall from the highest branch.
So in lieu of this, maybe, just maybe Im hoping if I chose to live with IF instead of just dealing with it, it won't sting as bad. But, more importantly it won't define who I am...it just becomes a part of who I am, and that person is confident, strong, and yes, even cautiously optimistic at times. So, are you living or dealing?
My New Name
So, restless me decided to change the name of my blog of "Life, Love, and Infertility" to "The Unlikely Life". This is partly because I wanted to reflect my life and me as a whole, not just infertility....and hopefully transition it into a pregnancy/parenting blog as well (Optimistic, aren't I?). As a side note here, that statement spun me off into a tangent of thought that I decided needed it's own post after it developed so I will post that in a minute, but now back to my new name.
I chose this for a couple of reasons....One, for those who know me this makes complete sense since I ALWAYS seem to be on the low side of the normal stats, but still end up getting burned (or not, depending). For example....my parents only had a 25% chance of having a baby with CF...yup, thats me. For my age group, 20-25, I statistically only had a 5% change of NOT getting pregnant in the first 18 months of trying...yup, me again. Also, when I did get pregnant I implanted on the earlier side of normal 8ish dpo because I had a very early HPT. My wonderful friend Nancy found a chart in the New England Journal of Medicine I believe it was that said people who implant around that time only have a 13% of m/c verses someone who implants around 10dpo with a 26% (Please correct me if Im wrong, I can't remember the EXACT numbers on this one right now) however my point is...again I was on the low side and still m/c. Lastly.... both of my defective CF genes are the most common(wow, for once!) delta508 mutation. However, this mutation tends to cause a barrage of medical problems for those with CF....bad respiratory issues, digestive problems, etc, etc and~I~, little miss oddball, am incredibly fortunate enough to be spared of brunt of this.
And two, I actually got this idea from a story in Readers Digest a long time ago called "The Unlikely Doctor" about someone with CF who grew up and became a doctor in a time when CF was practically a death sentence for children. I like the vagueness of this title because it can refer to all the good things in my life that I am lucky to have as well. Overall, my life is "unlikely" by all accounts but it is what makes me, me.
Oh and, if anyone else out there has this exact title, please let me know...I never intended to copy anyone.
I chose this for a couple of reasons....One, for those who know me this makes complete sense since I ALWAYS seem to be on the low side of the normal stats, but still end up getting burned (or not, depending). For example....my parents only had a 25% chance of having a baby with CF...yup, thats me. For my age group, 20-25, I statistically only had a 5% change of NOT getting pregnant in the first 18 months of trying...yup, me again. Also, when I did get pregnant I implanted on the earlier side of normal 8ish dpo because I had a very early HPT. My wonderful friend Nancy found a chart in the New England Journal of Medicine I believe it was that said people who implant around that time only have a 13% of m/c verses someone who implants around 10dpo with a 26% (Please correct me if Im wrong, I can't remember the EXACT numbers on this one right now) however my point is...again I was on the low side and still m/c. Lastly.... both of my defective CF genes are the most common(wow, for once!) delta508 mutation. However, this mutation tends to cause a barrage of medical problems for those with CF....bad respiratory issues, digestive problems, etc, etc and~I~, little miss oddball, am incredibly fortunate enough to be spared of brunt of this.
And two, I actually got this idea from a story in Readers Digest a long time ago called "The Unlikely Doctor" about someone with CF who grew up and became a doctor in a time when CF was practically a death sentence for children. I like the vagueness of this title because it can refer to all the good things in my life that I am lucky to have as well. Overall, my life is "unlikely" by all accounts but it is what makes me, me.
Oh and, if anyone else out there has this exact title, please let me know...I never intended to copy anyone.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
New Year, Same Dream
Well, Happy New Year blogger world! I officially had 40 posts in 2007 since I began in the middle of October. Next year at this time I will have had a whole year of my life and thoughts exposed to the "world"....kinda cool. What is that phrase..."I love my computer because that's where my friends live" yeah, it's something like that, haha. Speaking of friends...has everyone checked out the Creme de la Creme 2007 yet? I've just started reading everyone's post, and I am absolutely amazed at all the wonderful writers out there. I think sometimes I have a hard time writing what my head (and heart) is really trying to say and have people interpret it correctly when it comes to a lot of emotional issues. I AM emotional, I just need to work on expressing it. Oh well, that's what 2008 is for right? ;-)
And speaking of 2008, I'm currently on cd6 of my new cycle. I will finish up my Clomid tomorrow and start Follistim on Thursday. Actually, this cycle seems to be going by rather quickly....maybe it was the holidays....I hope my 2WW goes by as fast!
And speaking of 2008, I'm currently on cd6 of my new cycle. I will finish up my Clomid tomorrow and start Follistim on Thursday. Actually, this cycle seems to be going by rather quickly....maybe it was the holidays....I hope my 2WW goes by as fast!
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