A bit jealous

OK, I may have to put a disclaimer here before starting my real post because I want to clear up a few things before everyone has a chance to ask or get all pissy about.

1.) I LOVE my co-worker that I am getting ready to talk about. She reminds me a lot of my Mom and if I could have chosen anyone to be my MIL, she would be it.

2.) I HATE, HATE, HATE she has had to go through this.

3.) I have been with her through the whole ordeal, willingly taken part in everything that has been given (including a large, homemade gift basket just from me), and I think she deserves every bit of it.

4.) And lastly, no I do not think finding out you have cancer and having surgery for it is the same as a planned C-section.

That being said, I'm a little miffed. Miffed at the fact I didn't get ANYTHING from my co-workers when I had my surgery and delivered Cullen. Well, I take that back, I did receive the standard bouquet of flowers my employment gives out for occasions such as that but that wasn't through my department, it was through a committee. Now see, back in November when I left, I didn't ~expect~ anything because well, that was more common than not. I got a phone call three times the entire time I was out (and even those had work related motives) and a few emails from the aforementioned co-worker to truly just check on me and Cullen around the 1 month mark(which I thought was really sweet). All in all, fine, that was cool because I didn't know otherwise.

Then, my co-worker left this Monday to have her surgery on Tuesday. She opted for a double mastectomy even though there was only a small mass in one breast. Her choice to be better safe than sorry, and since her lymph nodes were clear (Thank God!) she gets to skip the chemo or radiation portion unless something comes back. She is by all accounts, healthy....and the reason she was so shocked about all of this is because she always was and IS healthy and vibrant! But anyways, back to my point..... Yes, I realize this is a LIFE CHANGING SURGERY, but based on surgery status alone, I had surgery too AND stayed in the hospital longer! So, because of this my department (and other surrounding departments) have showered her with calls and cards and several bouquets of flowers (again, don't forget to read the top part of this where I say she totally deserves it and I am in no way saying she was lucky to get cancer). In addition to that, another co-worker suggested we make food to bring her b/c recovering from surgery is hard and no one feels like cooking afterwards (um, yes, seems I remember doing this not to long ago with a new little person who could care less if Mommy was tired or sore or hungry or thirsty). My boss even offered to go CLEAN HER HOUSE so she could rest up from surgery and not have to worry about it. Then when word got around we would be taking food over there, other departments pitched in and are sending drinks and snacks as well.

And now my confession which makes me feel like a total douche, but in the midst of coordinating all this the tiny thought creeped into my head of "why didn't my department offer to do this, or even a quarter of this, for me with MY surgery?". Yes, I was well taken care of by my family after having Cullen....I certainly got a lot of food (not to mention it was holiday season) and my Mom did and would have done anything I asked...but that isn't the point. The point is I did have surgery and spent 4 days in the hospital, I was out for 9 weeks, and if it is the thought that really counts....I'm feeling a bit jealous and confused of how little I was thought about in that aspect. Of course I'm gonna get over it (I mean, really, it doesn't ~actually~ matter at this point), but it is just interesting to see the differences as they are unfolding, and no I will never, ever, ever tell her I thought about this and NOTHING is directed toward her, and yes, it does make me feel better to get it out ;-)

On a bit of a brigter note...

I made homemade soft pretzels last night. They were very yummy and only took about 2 hours from mixing to eating =D

The day that shook the blogworld

I'm sure everyone now has heard of Shana and her sweet little boy Thalon, and as it turns out this tragic story is probably the result of SIDS. My heart simply bleeds for this family and I haven't been able to read any of her posts without crying before getting to the end. Since all of this has been going on I also sleep more restlessly. I find myself staying up later just so I can hear the baby monitor more clearly because I think if something happens I'll "catch" it, I check on Cullen countless times between the time I lay him down and the time I finally go to sleep, I check on him in the middle of the night for no reason simply because I can't sleep, I've put his sleeping wedge back in his crib so he won't roll over which is loves to do nowadays.....once he hit 3 months and moved into his crib I worried less about SIDS and now the fear has creeped back him. I worry when he doesn't make any noise at night and I worry when he does because I know he is changing positions. I know this feeling will eventually fade again, but in lieu of everything, it's back.

Coming up for air

Sorry for the lack of posting lately (and I had gotten so good at it again!) but this past week has been one for the books. In a nutshell, I...

~Turned in my 30 day notice and my last day of work here is May 15th (detailed post to follow)
~Interviewed for my old waitressing job...got the position. Even though it isnt' what I want to do right now a paycheck is a paycheck.
~Had some minor family drama.
~Took my dogs the SPCA (another post to follow).
~Started cleaning my house to put on the market(big ol' thanks to my mom right here)
~Been ridiculously pissy with my self-proclaimed lazy husband who needs to just get over himself.
~Pulled off my parents 25th wedding anniversary surprise party.
~Got another job interview for next week for a position I would much rather have (3, 12 hour shifts a week=more time with baby)

Whew....

Simple request

I was going to blog about the crazy stuff that has been going on with me lately(which I will do later), but today I had a friend receive some terrible news. She had to have a biopsy this morning of a mass on her breast and it came back malignant. She has breast cancer and is now facing a double mastectomy.

If you could, please sent some positive thoughts her way.

MmMmm....Cereal

All in all, cereal was a hit =)

Why? Trigs below

The infertility, loss and adoption blogworld is one of great complexity, and other than being a part of it, I am drawn to it for reasons I can't exactly explain. Of course I am sad and angry when cycles don't work out for those I "know", but the losses, oh the losses....they are like black clouds. Sometimes you see them coming, sometimes you don't, but you can never get away. I am strangely fascinated, well maybe fascinated is the wrong word... I'm not even sure I KNOW the word to use, to the losses. The point is, I read them, I hurt for that mommy or daddy, I hurt for that baby who was so loved, they make me sad, they make me cry, but yet I keep reading. Why?

A lot of times I don't even comment because sorry just seems so empty, but I do pray for those people and families, and I just can't seem to stop reading. I think back to my loss, which happened so early but hurt so much, and my heart can't even begin to imagine the pain of losing something so precious later on....after the first trimester, stillbirth, full term accidents, infants, babies and children. And then I think that maybe I hurt so much BECAUSE I have tasted a small loss, but even through empathy that physically makes my insides ache, I still read. It makes me want to run to Cullen and squeeze him, and kiss him and smother him with love, and at the same time it makes me feel guilty that I can do that, and it brings a whole new dimension to the IFers "survivors guilt". There is some irony in the fact things like this hurt, but make me feel blessed; however I hate that my self gratitude is at the expense of such a terrible thing. Would these people understand my feeling and appreciate that I understand my precious gift, or be angry I still have it? Maybe both? But that isn't why I read them. I have such an incredible reverence and respect for these women and families. I am in awe of them....in awe of their strength. Sometimes when I'm reading something particularly sad I have to walk away because it just becomes too much to bear right then.....I hate there are those who don't have that option and for that I am truly sorry.

I'm not exactly sure how to end this post, maybe there isn't an end, it's just that there has been so much loss lately and this has been on my mind. It probably doesn't make much sense....at least I know what I meant to say.

FYI

If anyone lives in or around the Roanoke, VA area I just wanted to let you know there is a free seminar about IF and IVF that is going to take place on April 25th. The session is open to the public and there will be a free basic IVF cycle given away during the seminar. You can find more details about it here.

Easter pictures

Cullen and my Mom

The cousins (from left to right, up and down): Kevin, my brother Freddie, Dawn, Me, My brother Jodie, Peggy, Brittany and Larry. We are missing Jeff and Kim to make the picture complete.
My dad and Cullen
The 2nd cousins (otherwise known as great-grandchildren-again left to right): Cameron, Shanley holding Lucas, Jessica holding Caiden, Grant, Carsen holding Cooper, Hannah holding Cullen and Bri. We are missing Elena, Myah, Aaron Bailey and Taylor.
A family of Four generations: My grandmother in the middle, My dad holding his grandson Cullen, my Aunt holding her grandson Tanner, Myself and my Cousin.
Kristen and Tanner, Cullen and Me.

And then there were 7

I would like to welcome the newest addition to my immediate family into this world. My SIL gave birth to her 3rd girl, Myah Cameryn, on Friday =). She is a tiny little thing...6 lbs, 6oz...but very cute. And for those who don't know...this makes my parents grandparents for the 7th time...5 of those in the past 2.5 years. Um yeah, needless to say Christmas will be hectic and we are done growing for awhile =).

Formula update and thanks

First of all, I want to thank everyone for their comments on the bath pics =) Oh, and Julie, the boppy looking thing you see in the sink is this. It is a cushioned seat. A few weeks ago Cullen just got too big for his EZ bather thing but was still too little for a hard bath chair(I never used an official baby bathtub for him, I HATED it...anyways)...I found the cushioned one and it's perfect. He can sit up if he wants, but also lay back without his head going under the water...these days he prefers to sit.

Secondly the formula thing went OK, but not great. The sitter said he really didnt like his first bottle and kept making faces but she divided it into 2, 3 oz bottles and by 9:30 he eventually drank it all. Then he ate his second bottle almost 5 hours later (his normal is 3-4 hours in between meals), but she said he was probably so hungry he didn't care. Then he completely cut out his 3rd bottle and waited for me to get off work....yeah, my baby likes the boob. We are going to try again with the formula mixture (a 5:1 breastmilk to formula ratio) today and see what happens.

Also, I have a question since I am new to this formula thing. I know that the can says to use within 24 hours of mixing (the whole not sterile thing), but if I am mixing it with so much breastmilk can I make it, combine it, put it in my bags and freeze it within 24 hours just like I have been doing with the breastmilk? Then unthaw it as needed and it still be good? All the information I can find says it doesn't affect nutritional quality but may cause separation of the products; however I believe this is assumed it is purely mixed with water. I mean, even breastmilk separates...but once it is heated it goes back to normal. Thoughts?

Bath pics!

Formula

I introduced formula to Cullen for the first time today. Well technically it isn't his FIRST time with it because we had to give him a bit of formula in addition to nursing in the first 24 hours after birth because of blood sugar issues (a side effect of my GD), but since then he has been strictly boobie juice. As it stands right now since he upped his ounces, I'm only about one day ahead of what he needs for the babysitter as far as stored milk goes so I want to build that back up. Plus, Thomas and I are thinking about getting away for our anniversary in about a month and I will need to have at least a 2 day supply for whomever (ei-my mom) is keeping him. So, in order to do this (because I am already pumping like crazy) I am going to start mixing in a little bit (an ounce or two) of soy formula for each bottle he gets at the sitters but still keep pumping my same amount and nursing him in the morning and night. That way, each day I will be able to store one bottle more than just enough to give him the next day.

Also, I was going to introduce cereal to him this weekend, but seeing as we just started this routine with the formula I don't want to overload his little digestive system so we will probably see how well he tolerates the soy stuff (I chose soy because he always had really bad gas whenever I would eat a lot of dairy) and then do the rice cereal thing NEXT weekend which also just so happens to be his 5 month old birthday (HOLY CRAP!!).

Coming up tomorrow....adorable bath pictures! =)

Introducing....

My friend Jenn delivered her beautiful baby girl...Caiden Lily. Welcome to the world little one....you have one great Momma!

Hi Mom! ::waves::

It is quite possible that my Mom will now start reading this blog because last night I wanted to show her the video of Cullen eating his toes and gave her this link to see it. However, I'm not sure she knew exactly what this page WAS at first, but once she figures it out and realizes it's a nice way to keep up with, I may have a new reader, lol.

So, welcome Mom...it's sort of like my diary around this place although stuff here should be nothing new to you because I talk about it in real life too. =)