Monday, June 2, 2008

The End for the Beginning (trigs)

This blog was started because of my miscarriage, and today, June 2nd, is my un-due date. The date my twins were expected to arrive (OK technically, they would have probably been early, but today marked my 40 weeks). I must admit I’m conflicted because today is honestly bittersweet. Today would have closed an interesting chapter in my life. The chapter where I was “supposed” to be pregnant…..the chapter I was supposed to be preparing to become a Mom. It was a chapter that never exactly got to be revealed the way I thought. But see, as most of you know I’m getting the chance to do that again….so maybe this chapter gets to continue in it’s own way, but what I CAN do is start to say good-bye to the reason it started.

First, I do feel the need to say I am so grateful to be able to still have another due date to look forward too, but I think I will always wonder what it would have been like to be a twin mom, to actually have my twins. I will always wonder what they would have looked liked, if they were boys or girls (or one of each), and today I wonder exactly how my life would be different this very second. I love my twins for what they gave me-my first chance to be a Mom in all it’s joy and sorrow, and although I will never understand why they had to leave I do understand that if it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t be pregnant with THIS baby. This EXACT baby wouldn’t exist, and that is a thought that is almost incomprehensible at times.

To my angel babies: Mommy and Daddy loved you then, and still love you now. We will never forget the day we were told you wouldn't be coming home to us, we miss you often, and you will always be in our hearts. You were our first, and always will be…..you helped give us your sibling, and for that we are forever grateful.

12 comments:

Jen said...

I am so sorry. I will remember your babies with you today.

Cate said...

I'm sorry hon, my loss's first birthday would be sometime in the next week and it's bittersweet since without that loss like you said I wouldn't have Lex. I will say a prayer for your babies.

seriously? said...

Found you through lost and found. I am thinking of you and your twins today. I was also supposed to be due this month so I can empathize with you.

Congrats on your pregnancy and all the best.

Jen said...

I'm sending lots of (((Hugs))) today Kat. A loss must leave a lot of unanswerable questions. And while it is wonderful to have new life growing in you again, there are still a lot of what ifs.

Christina said...

So sorry Kat I know that this day must be hard for you. I will say a prayer for your twins.

A.M.S. said...

Sending quiet hugs your way.

Katie said...

I am sorry for the loss of your twins.

Katie said...

I am sorry for the loss of your twins.

jenn said...

Lots of love & hugs for you today. I'm so sorry about your angels & I know that no matter where you are today- it still is a loss of your babies with all the questions & wondering that goes with it.

Still Standing Strong in A Bloom of Hope. said...

I am so sorry. I am thinking of you and your twins.

You are a special mum.

I will pray for them.

Hugs.

chicklet said...

I like your perspective on this. It's sad but really really true - THIS baby wouldn't be here if it weren't for what else you went through.

Lauren said...

I'm here from the Lost and Found.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your twins. I know yesterday wasn't easy for you. I'll be thinking about your twins today.