Monday, April 28, 2008

Sincere support.....

This is something I have been battling with since stepping over to the other side of the IF fence. This issue of supporting those still struggling...is my support viewed as sincere as it was before, or is the support of an ex (at least for the time being) IFer seem a bit jaded (or maybe even condescending) in the situation? Does an I'm sorry or I'm thinking of you coming from someone currently trying have more worth and meaning than someone who isn't but was?

I remember getting comments from those who were pregnant, and although I am glad they were keeping up and supporting me, it always seemed to be a "well, why do you really care or how do you really understand" moment, even when I know they probably did. Now that I find myself in this current position however I do realize it is a very delicate balance between wanting so desperately to support and to let people know I'm still out here rooting for them, but yet wondering if that support is doing more harm than good. Or debating if one doesn't comment at all does it appear as if they have forgotten every non-pregnant person exists, or do they seem selfish and self-absorbed as to "not care" about anyone TTCing anymore, if in fact the comments they do give aren't perceived as sincere. Sidenote here: actually this is the reason I really like it when others use wordpress because if I am commenting on a TTC blog I can put my everyday blog on there, and if it is a parenting or preggo blog I can link my "other" one.

Anyways, I have several (ok, maybe a lot) of people I still follow and desperately hope, wish and pray life stops beating them down with the shit stick. I don't mind not being able to spew out every single detail of what is going on with me because truly they are the ones who need support right now. I just really hope what I still say is viewed as 100% supportive, involved and sincere. I have this theory that some of the issue lies in bitterness. There are still situations that bring me back to TTC and I just cringe to hear them, and I still can't fathom the idea of "accidental pregnancy" knowing the struggle myself and many others went through/are still going through, but I will admit some of that harsh bitterness has gone. I will also admit that during the past year or so of TTC I was bitter, I was angry, and I was jealous. I still have those feelings sometimes (old habits die hard), but yet, I now have a new reason to be thankful, and I can "tolerate" more and I now have an additional (possibly more positive?) point of view. Yes, the bitter is gone, but it isn't forgotten; however because it's gone do those still going through IF feel as if someone in my position can't relate anymore?

Does anyone (IFer, ex-IFer, or otherwise) have any thoughts on this? Any and all honest opinions would be appreciated.

8 comments:

Susan said...

For me, the support from preggo friends were taken as sincere, even from the ones that were not IF. Even comments or well wishes from my incredibly fertile, " I think I will get pregnant this month" cousins came across as sincere. Maybe I've been lucky in my experiences, but I think anyone who has been IF never forgets the pain and the struggle even when they've crossed over to the parenthood side.

Jen said...

I've been having these same feelings. I'm just trying to be really careful of what I say.

Jendeis said...

For me, I value comments from anyone who happens to read my blog. I do go through bouts of bitterness and jealousy, but figure that we're all allowed to vent sometimes. I really appreciate when bloggers who are pregnant and who are posting about their pregnancy do an alert at the top of the post so that I can skip the post, or come back to it later. My two cents.

Anonymous said...

I have a hard time posting to IFers because I always worry that simply by the fact I had my boy I will offend them by saying "I know how you are feeling" and the like. It's a difficult balance when you want to try to cheer them up or cheer them on when you have what they so long for.

Cate

jenn said...

for me- if there is a comment on my blog I am happy for it. (I'm pretty lucky with the lack of mean comments so far- it's good to not be so popular sometimes!)
I tend to know everyone who comments too, so if I can't handle a pregnancy filled day- I just stay away from their blog. But I still sppreciate the support. I actually appreciate the support of someone who's been there more than any non-IF'er, whether currently pregnant, or a new mom.
It's the comments that I hear from my non-IF friends that hurt the most. "it can't be that bad", "just give it time", "why not just adopt", "at least you have..."

as if they really understand & they can make me feel better with this. at least you ~know~. At least you can say- "I know this sucks" & know when to leave it at that. The fact that you have a post about this is huge for me. (just my 2 cents)

Tammy said...

It depends on the person. With you, I know it is sincere. Any other advice from someone I don't know well, it depends on how I am feeling that day. This week, bad week for any commenting on my part... lol.

BTW, What is the "Beans" moniker?

Steph said...

I think it depends on the person. For me, I tend to take comments differently if they're coming from a preggo who fought hard to get pregnant. I'm so happy for them and their pregnancies because I know they walked a long hard road.

Now the ones who get pregnant without trying, and then try to tell me that they know someday I'll be a mom and to just relax. Yeah. Can't handle that.

Dr. Grumbles said...

Your comments are always welcome on my blog!

(Of course, I realize I may actually be on your side of the fence, at least at the moment... but even if I go back to the other side you are welcome!)