Happy Anniversary to Me! (warning: trigs ahead)

Today...May 7th, is my 3rd wedding anniversary. Gosh, so much has happened in 3 years....in three years, DH and I have moved three times, he helped me through the stroke and death of my grandmother, both changed jobs, purchased our first home, bought 2 dogs, TTC'd for 32 months (29 cycles plus a 3 month mandatory break) including IF treatments, got through a miscarriage (hence the "mandatory break") and are now navigating pregnancy. Whew, haha! So, before I get into the heavy part of this post, I want to share some pictures of that wonderful day that started it all (btw, there is quite a few. My photographer took almost 800 pictures so you are lucky I narrowed it down this far, haha)....

Our Cake (vineyard was the theme)

DH before the wedding

Moi!

DH's look when he first saw me coming down the aisle. I LOVE the fact our photographer caught this because it is something I would have never seen otherwise.

Standing at the alter. I wanted to add this picture in so you could see how our wedding was set up outside.


The flower girls (i.e-My nieces)

My parents and I.

Our wedding party.

The next three pictures are of Thomas and I, and the photographer used several special effects for the final result. The "Sepia Kiss" actually won an East Coast photography contest!


First Dance.

Dance with Dad. I love my expression in this picture.

The car....Get R Done was compliments of my brother and a bottle of cheez whiz, lol.

Walking out to leave and seeing the car for the first time.

Off we go!!!!

Lastly (although this picture-on our honeymoon- is a bit blurry) I put it in so you could see how long my hair had to be for the style I wore in my wedding. For the record, it took almost 3 hours to pin-up!

Now, other than the fact I'm excited about today, there is also this weird, surreal feeling because as a lot of IFers can attest too things like holidays, birthdays and anniversaries always remind you of "what if's" or "what should have beens". It also has you thinking if "next year at this time, will I have a baby?", and each year that goes by when that doesn't happen is utterly heartbreaking. It actually gets to the point where you expect the next year to be exactly like the one now....childless, because a lot of the hope is gone. When DH and I got pregnant with the twins that was the first thing that crossed our mind....NEXT Thanksgiving will be different, NEXT Christmas will be spent with a baby....but when we m/c'd all of those dreams were taken away. So when the holidays rolled around after our m/c, we mourned the should have beens. Little did we know that we would become pregnant again just in time to still have those same changed holidays, anniversaries and birthdays. I'm a bit overwhelmed by this thought actually. I'm elated it's actually happening and I'm sad (and feeling a bit guilty) for those it won't happen too. If all goes as planned....this is the last anniversary DH will be just a family of two, this is the last Mother's day I won't have a child in the room as well, the last Father's Day for DH (and although yes, we are parents to be, you know what I mean here....the physical presence of a baby). It's amazing....it's humbling, and quite frankly, and as I said a bit emotionally overwhelming and surreal as well.

Shorts and Photos

I bought shorts yesterday. Now, I know what you are thinking....no big deal, it's a normal purchase...spring is around the corner and shorts are a staple in the summer. However, this is a big deal for me. Number one, I don't really like to wear shorts. Although I am average for my age and height most of my weight is carried in my legs (it's a lovely trait I got from my Dad's side of the family, I mean come on....at 5'1 my legs can only be but so long!). Number two (and maybe the most important) is ever since we began TTC I refuse to buy clothes one season ahead of time because in my heart I just know I will be pregnant by then so I won't be able to wear what I buy AND I of course will be needing to buy more clothes (maternity obviously) by the time "next season" rolls around. But yesterday.....yesterday I broke this ridiculous state of mind and actually bought shorts.....shorts for spring and shorts for summer (very cute plaid ones I may add!). I'm actually a bit proud of myself!

Next, the photos.... After DH and I got back from a little morning shopping his mom came by to drop off some baby pictures of DH for something his work is doing. Now, up until yesterday I had never seen a baby picture of DH...in the only picture I had seen he was around 3 or 4. So, because of this it has always been hard for me to truly picture what our baby would look like ....I always imagined our kid, but never baby.....until yesterday. Yesterday I saw pictures of DH as a baby (around 6 months) and obviously knowing how I looked as an infant I finally got a real idea of what our future might hold. It was such a bittersweet moment....and it made me want this IUI (or one very soon) to work more than ever. DH really was a sweet looking baby....although he always disagrees with me ;-)

Maybe cysts?

I really wish I could title this post "Maybe Baby?" and tell you I POAS'd and there was a faint line there....however I can't (well, in all fairness I did actually POAS but it was a BFN). Anyways, life must go on.....but back to the cysts. Let me preface this by saying I've never actually had cysts during my cycle or had a cyst prevent me from continuing on with a medicated cycle, but I DID have cysts when I was pregnant (a very common occurrence) and it was the reason for my one sided pain that I worried over being an ectopic. So the past few days I have this exact, one sided pain. Not my normal middle of the uterus 2WW crampies (which I always have) but almost a burning, sharpish pain. I am well past O (11dpo to be exact) and I am fairly certain I am not pregnant again (remember the BFN?) and I'm not saying I *feel* pregnant because I don't.....I'm just saying I am getting this same pain I got when I was pregnant and it was due to cysts so I'm wondering if I have another one.

This would be a first for me, but hey....IF has to find new ways to surprise me after 31 months of this crap (HOLY SHIT I honestly just realized I transitioned into the 30's....I thought I was still in the 20's. Well I still am in my 20's when it comes to actual cycles...it's 28) but I have been actively TTC since July 2005....Wow, that sucked. Oh and of course I would get a cyst now when despite the cost we wanted to push through with a March IUI (our 5th one....and yes, probably last). My doc usually takes April off for cycles because of his vacation so that means I might be looking at May if in fact this pain is cyst related....guess I will find out sometime around Tuesday-ish of next week which should be right around the time of my baseline u/s.

**left side still very achy....especially after my 200lbs lab assistant thought it would be cute to sit on me...right. on. my bladder/uterus/ovaries. For a brief moment I thought, "crap, what if there really is something down there and he just dislodged it"....so stupid.... =P

The universe is funny, updated

Wait, did I say funny? I meant to say kinda cruel in an up-yours sort of way. Here is my morning story....intended to be funny, mildly inappropriate, yet the intentions didn't make it hurt any less.

So a few minutes ago as I was walking down the hall when a co-worker of mine caught me and said he had something to ask. This is a pretty usual thing given that he oversees the PA labs and I oversee the Biomed labs; so he is always asking me stuff about supplies and ordering and such. The conversation went as follows:

Him: "Hey Katie, I need to ask you something, I already asked Gayle (our secretary) but she turned me down"

Me: "Sure Chip, whatcha need?"

Him: "Well see on April 7th the PA's are doing their OB demonstrations and we need some volunteers ya know." (he starts laughing....he is a bit of a kidder all the time)

Me (realizing he is joking, but still a bit stunned): "Oh, haha, I don't think so"

Him: "Oh, come on...maybe you can work something in between now and then....we'll even pay ya!" (more chuckling)

Me: "Ha, I still don't think so....now if you would be willing to pay for me to GET pregnant we may have a deal" and then I laugh and walk off.

Do I even need to post a huge fat OUCH right here? Unfortunately what he didn't know is that if things hadn't gone awry (a bit of a side note, but do you ladies-who this applies too-find it odd how you word your m/c sometimes.....for example phrases like "if things had gone better", "gone awry", "if everything turned out" or "unfortunate event" come to mind) Anyways....what he didn't know is I could have actually participated in this lab (because in reality they do take volunteers for such things).....in fact I could have been a great example because I had twins! What an AWESOME learning experience I would have been! Also what he doesn't know is those babies took a very long time to conceive and I'm not sure when that will happen again.....I can't just whip up pregnancies in a few months. Lastly....I'm nearing the end of my 1WW and in all odds will get AF in roughly 4-5 days....yippee. I snapped at DH for something stupid this morning so I'm pretty sure slight PMS is setting in.

Speaking of AF showing up....my cousin is on the verge of delivering in the next week or so...her BP is still slowly creeping up and she is seeing her doc twice a week. All along the doc said she would be lucky to make it to 36 weeks and she will be 36 weeks on Sunday......I highly expect her to deliver during AF because that would be the icing to my infertile cake.

OK, so I forgot to add this in: A student (who I do actually like she just doesn't *know*) came into my office to be tutored. She saw the picture of my dog and asked if she was mine....yup. Then she saw a picture of myself surrounded by my nieces and nephew at Christmas on my desk and goes "Oh, are those your nieces and nephews?" (to which I respond yes) and then she goes "Well, I can see why you don't have any children yet, they look like a handful"

Really? Seriously?.....Yes, really, seriously these were my morning conversations.

Time and being a Mother

I wasn't actually sure what to call this post...anniversaries maybe, milestones perhaps? I dunno....both would fit, but neither seemed right. Anyways, today is the 3 month "mark" since my official m/c. Tomorrow is 4 months to the day when my OB confirmed I was in fact going to m/c and my mommy instincts may be worth something in the future.

I know 3-4 months is nothing compared to those who have lost who have reached their due date, one year, or two year, etc anniversary of their m/c, just like I roll my eyes at someone who says they have been trying for 3-4 months and it is "really hard". This post really isn't about that though, it's about time. Although my measly 3-4 months was not THAT long ago it seems like just yesterday, and it seems like forever ago at the same time. I imagine that this feeling never goes away. Will I always be celebrating the milestones of a baby I will never know? Probably.

The funny thing about time is it keeps moving forward, regardless of circumstance. It does not discriminate between the mother mourning her lost one, or the mother watching her child grow up too quickly before her eyes. They say time heals all wounds, and yes after awhile it is easier to deal with things like loss or death, but ironically it is time itself that reminds of of the fact these wounds exist in the first place.

However, this thought brings me to another one....mothers. I honestly dread the fact when I get pregnant again it will be labeled as my second pregnancy. I mean, the first didn't produce a baby so shouldn't I get to start over again? In addition, saying that this is my second pregnancy with no baby implies I'm not a "real" (i.e-one with living children) mother.

I have always found it so ironic that most infertiles say they "were born to be a Mother". I can join this rank, as I can honestly say I knew from childhood I was supposed to be a Mother. Not just because I loved taking care of my dolls or I was a good with children, but because something deep down inside *knew* it was my destiny. I want to be one of those Mothers that people look at and go "Wow, she is a great Mom" "She was born for this" or "Being a Mother just comes natural to her". Why does this feeling always seemed to be imposed on those who have trouble conceiving?
Disclaimer: In saying this I am excluding the portion of the population, mainly LDS, that believe they are born to be mothers because it is God's job for them AND they get pregnant easily and end up with double digit amounts of children....this does not apply to them.

Anyways...why is it you never seem to hear someone who gets KU'd in one or two cycles they just knew they were meant to be a Mom? Does this seem backwards to anyone else? It almost reminds me of something I told to DH the day after I confirmed my impending m/c. I asked him what was the point of taking my baby away? I already understood the hardship of infertility, I already knew how appreciative I was of being pregnant, my baby was already loved, I already realized what a miracle it was to have....so why? What was the lesson in experiencing death as well? Obviously this wasn't a question for him to be able to answer, but more me grieving out loud, but it still posed a great point. For those of us in the population who already knew being a Mother was our destiny....those of us who would appreciate and love our babies BEFORE they were conceived....why the struggle, the pain, the despair? Why not make the people who have babies by "accident" more appreciative by having THEM be the ones who struggle (even if just a bit) if it means their babies will be loved more.

Or, is it the fact that we do want this so badly the time we spend TTCing is filled with more sadness and heartache simply because we long for the end result more?

Why people don't get it

Notice I said "why people don't get it" not "why don't people get it?" See the difference there? Rather than asking the question over and over again, I think I figured it out....

It is T minus 4 days until my cousin's baby shower (that yes, I am going to assuming her BP doesn't sky rocket again and they take the baby early, but that is another story) because although it will probably not be very enjoyable for me, NOT going would cause more of a ruckus in my family than going and being "anti-social".....maybe. Anyways, my mom and I were discussing this exact thing on Sunday, and here is how I explained it.....

For the most part, people (i.e-fertile people) don't see the forest for the trees (as a sidenote: is this statement "forest for the trees" or "forest through the trees" because I have honestly seen it both ways). For example, when I went home after my niece was born back in Oct of 06 and cried for two hours, people see that as being "selfish" because I was hindering someone else's special day. "They" think it is silly of my to be upset because certainly "you will be pregnant in no time" certainly "By the time (insert family holiday here) rolls around you will be pregnant and acting this way right now will seem 'childish' and self-centered" or "you are young". Which in my mind can be translated as....you are young and have a lot of time or you are young and fertile....pick your poison there. Unfortunately "they" aren't fortune tellers and little did they know a year later I wouldn't have a baby.....a year later, 2 days before her one year birthday party I would find out I am going to lose my twins.

The problem is people only see and react to the immediate. They only see how you are responding right this second, if you are having a good day or a bad day right NOW. What they don't fully comprehend is all of the bad days that led up to "the big one", all of the circumstances that are causing you to be anti-social (translate bitchy) at a baby shower or birthday party. They don't realize or care how long you have tried up until this point, or how long in your heart you know you will have to go to succeed. It is sad, but true, don't you think? And it is this ignorance that puts a stigma on those of us going through IF. It is the phenomena that allows people to call us bitter, cold, selfish, etc, etc. THIS is the problem with people.

Although I am more brazen about expressing this concept to other people in such situations, my Mom (God bless her) basically said she was gonna let anyone have it who says one word about how I act that day....she actually used the word bitch in our conversation and if you knew my mom.....hell just froze over.

11dpiui=BFN

Although I am not going to go screaming through the halls "I'm out completely this cycle"....I do feel it is time to let a little bit of hope slip out of my heart. Yes, I know my temp went up again (btw I slept great), and yes I know that 11dpo is still considered "early", but I also know my body when it is "just a little bit pregnant" and this isn't it. Oh, and please raise your hand if you had a "perfect" chart and still got your period....yeah, I think everyone can attest to that one.

Truth be told, I've been on the verge of tears all morning.....just thinking about my entire TTC life in general, not just this most recent disappointment. To let you in on a little secret, I just *knew* this would be the only cycle we had to do post m/c. Three follies, good sperm, great timing=apparently nothing....but in my head THIS had to be the one. I don't want to keep doing this....honestly I don't. My heart is very much contemplating just giving up on it all if this cycle keeps heading down the path I foresee. DH made a comment to me this morning that I just can't shake, and although I have said it to myself many times it was like a slap in the face to hear Thomas acknowledge it too: "We've put our life on hold for 2.5 years because of this crap". So, since then I have been thinking about what we have "put on hold", and the major things are like so:

~First and foremost, we put our marriage on hold. Of course we have made some wonderful memories these past years, but I know in the back of our head there has always been that voice saying "next year this will be better because we will have a baby" or "wouldn't this seem perfect if we had a child". For those who don't know, Thomas and I started TTC three months after we got married....so for basically our ENTIRE married life, we have been struggling to have a child.

~We gave up our sex life. This one seems pretty self-explanatory, but let me go a little further. Of course we have sex...we have sex to make a baby...FDing is few and very far between. I would go as far to say that we have "sex for fun" once every couple of months. Also along with the loss of our sex life I feel comes some loss of attraction because we aren't have sex simply because we can't resist each other or have a strong desire to intimate with one another.

~We've given up vacations. Thomas and I have put off making vacations plans in the off chance I would be too far along or just given birth (this thinking was the first year of TTC). The second year of TTC we didn't go on vacations because we needed money for treatments....and as we found out, money for treatments that didn't work that well. The last time Thomas and I went on vacation alone (i.e-without family or going to visit family or anything work related) was our honeymoon....May of 2005.

~I gave up different education. See, when I first started going to the college I eventually graduated from (and now work for) I wanted to go into our PA program. It was still a B.S at the time, and it was what I wanted to do....this was in Aug. of 04 in hopes of starting the PA program in Fall of 2005 or possibly 2006 if I wanted to wait one more year....meaning I would have graduated last May or in a few months from now (it's a two year program). However, the more Thomas and I discussed starting a family and then actually started trying we realized that once I got pregnant (yeah, nothing was an *if* at that time, ha) I would be in the middle of my program and would have to drop out (it's very intense). In saying this, having a family was much more important (actually it is the only dream I have always been sure of) to me than being a PA because I could still get my B.S in Biomedical Sciences from the same school and raise a family at the same time. All I have to say about this is HA HA HA. At this point I could have started that program, graduated, gotten a solid, stable, well-paying (as in about 15,000 more than I'm making now just to start off) job AND have respect in the medical community.

~I gave up trying for better jobs. In regards to the previous comment, I have also given up on trying to get a better job with the degree I actually have. This is because I have been with my same company for 3 years now, and decided it would be silly to leave and start somewhere else because I will, and I quote, "get pregnant and since I haven't been there year, not get my FMLA" or "not qualify for short term. dis. on maternity leave" (which btw, I have a whole completely different post about that given the events yesterday, but I digress). Don't get me wrong, my job is stable, it isn't too complicated and brings home a steady paycheck that covers the mortgage and all our bills BUT there is no where for me to go here. No ladder or chain of command to move up. I feel like I'm stalling out staying here, but because of the reasons listed above I haven't tried to find a new job with a new company. I think I am going to start looking actually.....

~We gave up our house preference. See, as all new home buyers do Thomas and I had a list of "must haves", "wants" and "can live withouts". When Thomas and I started looking to buy our house about a year and a half ago, we of course wanted to get something that would accommodate babies, children, etc. Although we realized most first homes aren't that lavish we had a decent loan approval and saw a lot of condo's or town homes that we loved, but always said we wanted our toddler to have a yard to play around in so we opted out of those. As far as houses go, we ended up buying a house with a yard in a great neighborhood with NOTHING of our "must have list". Examples: our house is a 1 bathroom instead of at least a 1.5, it has 2 bedrooms instead of our minimum three (ours, a study, and the nursery), the kitchen is completely nonfunctional with no dishwasher and odd layout (for someone who loves to cook, this is torture), it doesn't have a garage or finished basement for all of our stuff (and believe me we have a lot, as do most people)....god I could go on forever. But because of the neighborhood and the land, which is really only .17 acres, but still a lot in the middle of a city.....we bought it because it was a "house", thinking we could fix it up and make it work. If we had to do it all over again, knowing we would be childless 2.5 years later....we would have gotten some awesome loft or one bedroom condo overlooking downtown, which is really more our style because we honestly both hate yard work.

In my mind, those are HUGE things....things that make me sad....things that make me realize how different life would be. I've decided that regardless of an individual's fertility, infertility is a couples problem. It doesn't make a difference if both are primed and ready to make babies if you can't actually make them together. Sometimes I wish Thomas would just leave and go marry someone who can give him children (not that ~I~ want him gone, I just hate not being able to fulfill this part of his life). Looking back over it all, although we've stuck together and grown...our desire to create love's ultimate gift has caused us more pain and compromise than should be allowed. I realize that I could wake up tomorrow or the day after that and still get a BFP, but that wouldn't make this post any less valid because this post isn't about that....this post is about the past, what we, my husband and I, have put on hold or given up based on one huge maybe that never came to be.

Flabbergasted....

I just read the update here from Mel about the Tyra banks show on infertility. My jaw hit the floor, and in my outrage this is what I wrote to the producers, or whoever reads her email:

"This is absolutely outrageous! As a woman who has been struggling with infertility for 2 and half years, I am flabbergasted by the audacity of this suggestion. You make infertility sound like something that needs an intervention! No, interventions are for people with addictions; infertility is a MEDICAL CONDITION. In my mind, this is the same as asking the family of someone going through Breast Cancer to tell the patient to change the way they are dealing with their problems. Why go through the chemotherapy? Just cut your breasts off because THAT will remove the emotional heartache of it all, and make it easier on the rest of us around you who feel, and I quote, "unvoiced jealously and seen her desperation first hand".

I am so outraged by this that words cannot even begin to describe what I feel and really want to say to anyone who thought this was a decent thing to do. Shame on the people who respond to this because they like the idea, shame on you Tyra for endorsing it, and shame on your producers too. Infertility is very much an internal struggle that many people seek counseling for. The LAST thing anyone in such a vulnerable state needs is to publicly relive their pain. In addition to all of that, if it isn't enough for you, this set-up will most likely make the woman going through infertility feel like she has lost all support from her family during a time when she needs understanding the most.

Lastly, this blurb makes it seem like adoption and surrogacy is easy! Can't get pregnant? Just adopt! I am 100% for adoption if it is something that a couple wants to do. Adoption builds families too, which is wonderful, but it cannot be forced on someone. Adoption is very expensive, it can take years for finances, paperwork, lawyers, and social workers to fall into place. Not to mention the home visits, portfolios, birth mother meetings, travel plans, oh and the possibility things falling through at the last minute because the mother has decided she wanted to keep the baby....does this really sound EASY to you? Oh, and did your producers actually stop for one minute and think that maybe "that woman" who is struggling so hard has tried these options without letting her family know? Maybe those options didn't work for her either, and she didn't wish to share her heartache. What is your suggestion now? So, unless someone at this show miraculously became God, or you are willing to finance all of the 12.5 % of the population who is struggling with infertility regardless of THEIR choice, IVF, IUI, adoption, etc, then your idiotic suggestion of a show isn't going to help."

Although, this may make me sound like one of those "crazy infertiles" this show is directed too, I feel a bit better.

I think I really hate Facebook

As everyone knows, Facebook is a place to keep in touch with friends you graduated with/went to school with/go to school with, and I think I hate it. First all, I have come to realize that I still keep in touch (regardless of the internet) with the friends I was closest to, and keeping up with other acquaintances sometimes boarders on just being nosy about their life and checking up on the way they have changed or not. I think a lot of this is self-validation....to know you look better than the girl who thought she was top shit ...petty yes, I know-oh well....or to see if people fulfilled their dreams or potential.

However, this can also go both ways.....maybe you see that YOU are the one lagging behind per se in life and THAT is why I hate it the most. See, this has happened to me over the past few months because I have come to realize how many people I graduated with are either A-glowingly pregnant or B-already have children. Seeing this phenomena literally makes my stomach turn sometimes...which btw I have always found it interesting that an emotional response can trigger a physical reaction.... but anyways. Not to mention this fact makes me nervous about my upcoming IUI....no clue why, I'm used to this crap by now...but damn you IF!!!

Who the hell hears of a 20 year old (that's how old I was when we started trying and I turn 23 in three weeks) that is infertile....infertile without explanation at that....which, btw should be considered an oxymoron. Seriously....an early 20 something chick with no reproductive problems and a husband with good sperm who takes over two years to get KU'd.....W.T.H. Now in saying this I am no way implying that if I was older IF would be "normal" because IF is never normal, or fair for that matter....I am just talking about how you almost never hear of "young" people with IF for no reason, and the barrage of preggo's and mommies on Facebook proves my point. Every time I get the new pictures or updates I think I am prepared to look....I'm not.....

I think I need to put my account on hold.

**afterthought: Maybe the fact you don't see as many "young" infertiles is the fact that a lot of younger adults haven't been trying to TTC. "They" (one day I want to be a part of the illustrious they, haha) say that the age of motherhood various between generations and usually bounces back and forth to older verses younger. Maybe the majority of the ladies TTCing right now are a part of the generation who waited to start a family, and now the pendulum is swinging back in the other direction and young adults are trying to start this process earlier. As a result, we may see a lot more young adult IFer's out there in the next upcoming years....just a thought.

Living or Dealing?

Isn't it funny how IF just becomes part of your life and integrates itself into everything you do, however just as oddly I have found that this CAN be a good thing. Somewhere down this road I transitioned from "a person dealing/coping with IF" to "a person living with IF". I much definitely prefer the latter because although yes, both options suck, living with IF means it is just a part of who I am. It's not something I think about or worry about constantly, it's something I just do...without thinking, without hesitation.

On the other side of this, maybe that means I am less hopeful (hell, who am I kidding of course I have less-although not completely void of-hope) because realism of will probably happen eases the hurt (just a little) when it actually does. Think about it, when does a person in the TTC/IF world have the most hope? My obvious answer here is when a new protocol is started....that first medicated cycle, the first transition from timed BDing to an IUI, going from oral meds to injects, the first round of IVF. All these events in the IF journey bring hope because THIS round is different, THIS round gives me better odds, THIS round will work....and then, when does an IFer feel hurt the most? When these new milestones fail as well because a newfound, renewed hope was lost again, and not only are you dealing with the grief over a maybe baby but you must also come to terms with the fact the new method didn't work either.It always hurts the worse to fall from the highest branch.

So in lieu of this, maybe, just maybe Im hoping if I chose to live with IF instead of just dealing with it, it won't sting as bad. But, more importantly it won't define who I am...it just becomes a part of who I am, and that person is confident, strong, and yes, even cautiously optimistic at times. So, are you living or dealing?

IUI # 4....er, uh...1?

It's officially cd1.....Rock On!! I officially started my new cycle today, which means I can start my clomid on Saturday and then begin injects on Thursday the 3rd, u/s on Tuesday the 8th and most likely an IUI 2 days later on the 10th. Ironically my last IUI was on the 10th of a month as well. Also, I will know yes or no by my birthday on the 22 of Jan because I will be 12dpo then......Ack, I really hate it when testing time coincides with "other" things like holidays, birthdays or anniversaries....oh well, here we go again!

So, this is my 4th IUI overall, but my first IUI with the new doc who, and I quote, "wants us to start over with a clean slate with him". Fair enough...part of me likes this idea because there is no precedent, and in my head it takes some pressure off this IUI. Just because the last one worked I am well aware that means diddly squat about this one =/ But at the same time I need to mention the 4 because I have gone through this before, so I'm no newbie ;-)

Cheers....here's to a surprisingly hopeful first cycle of 2008!

Happy and Sad

First of all, I need to announce I actually made Mel's blog roll and I'm really excited! Whoa, little ol' new blogger me made THE LIST....Rock On!!! =D. Another happy notion: work let us out an hour early. At 3:30 the email went out that administration was letting us go at four....happy holidays, haha. Because of this, I got to wrap DH b-day gifts before he got home, and put a few final touches in his stocking....sweet =).

OK, here is my sad confession. I think I realized today that even though I am doing well with the m/c and super excited about moving on....hello 8dpo, come on AF and the meds begin ;-)....I am also still dealing, and I know this because I started crying in my car on the way home from work. Not sobbing crying, but a few tears definitely slid out. I was listening to that song "Laugh Until We Cried" by Jason Aldean and of course the last verse goes as such:

Just the other night the baby was cryin
So I got out of bed rocked her awhile and I held her tight
And I told her it would be all right
My mind went back to a few years ago
We tried so long, we almost gave up hope
And I remember you comin' in and tellin me the news
Oh man we were livin, goin crazy in the kitchen
We danced and screamed and held each other tight
We laughed until we cried

This song affects me in many ways. One, it of course has an overwhelming tone on infertility, which makes me sad for everyone (including myself) struggling with it.....why is it so hard sometimes? Why do you never hear of "bad" people having infertility? Secondly, again an obvious notion, but the end of the verse (and inherently the beginning) means they succeeded. It means finally getting that illustrious BFP. It sums up the emotions you feel right at that second when you and your spouse realize you are having a baby; it captures the moment perfectly. It seems silly now, but when I first got my solid, without a doubt BFP.....I laughed....I was feeling so much right then and there it all manifested and bubbled up as a laugh because I didn't know what else to do. So I did actually "laugh until I cried". I remember seeing DH's face when I verified it to him (I gave him a diaper bag and told him Happy Fathers Day-we were due June 3rd-and I told him he would need it by then)...he laughed, he cried, and so did I, he hugged me. I remember eating dinner (he stopped and got subs because that is what I really wanted) in disbelief....smiling and not even realizing it and not being able to prevent it. I couldn't have frowned if someone paid me. As cliche as it is, I was immediately glowing. At that moment, 2 years didn't matter, because in 9 months we would have a baby...in 9 short months, a whole new journey would begin....the journey we hoped for, the journey we prayed for...and as terrible as it is, the journey we paid for.....beautiful isn't it? Thirdly, I was crying because of all the women I know of who have never experienced that moment, those who want it so desperately...I wish I could bottle that moment and share it...just to give them more hope, to let them get a glimpse of what they are working towards when the rainclouds keep pouring, and the hurt in their heart is almost unbearable. Next, I cried for all of the countless women who had that moment, lived that moment, and then had it ripped away....replaced with the sadness of losing a baby. Lastly, I cried for myself....I cried for my babies, and I cried because THIS Christmas was supposed to different....this Christmas I should be 17 weeks pregnant....this time next year my babies would be 6 months old....But alas, this Christmas is exactly like last Christmas, and the one before that....and I'm really hoping next Christmas won't be the same.

Although, even through all of that I am actually very optimistic about my first cycle with the new Doc...is it selfish of me to hope it only takes one more time? I guess that is what we all wish huh.....maybe THIS time.

Thank You....(religion mentioned)

So, I put the religion tag at the top of this because this isn't something I normally blog about, and probably won't again. Although I consider myself to be a religious person, I don't like to push it on people who don't want to hear it, and it is a very private issue for me (ironically enough I find talking about the ins, outs and inner-workings of my lady parts and sex life a bit less intimate). But, all of that aside I do pray and believe in the existence of God as a higher power.

Now, disclaimer aside, lets move on. Last night I was doing my usual blog bouncing. I started with one person's blog, saw a comment from someone and went to their blog, and so on and so on. Somewhere in all of my lurking I stumbled into the blog world of 2nd trimester losses.....and worse yet, recurring ones. I have never seen such sadness seeping out onto a computer, and my heart ached for every single one of those women.....and last night I prayed for them and felt the need to say thank you to MY higher power, and here is what I am thankful for....

~Thank you for my house. Although it is not ideally what I want and there are many things I hope to change in the future, it is mine, I own it, and it is home. Something that so many people cannot say. My house protects me from cold, blustery winter nights like last night, it provides coolness in the heat of summer, running water, and a safe haven to run to at the end of the day.

~Thank you for my job. Although there are times when I want to be doing *more* with my life, this job (and my husbands) pays the bills, puts food on the table, pays for the above mentioned house, and is even gracious enough for us to live comfortably.

~Thank you for my family (and friends) who provide much needed friendship and support

~Thank you for my dog, who annoys me sometimes in her disobedient puppy ways, but in her presence brings laughter, comfort, and a feeling of security at night.

~Lastly, thank you for my fertility journey. Although it HAS been hard, and at times I didn't understand why things happen they way they did and I have seen my share of tears; thank you for letting me still have hope. Thank you for not making it SO hard and filled with tragedy I am defeated by my own accord. I curse when my hope fails me (as it often does) but the point is, I am still able to let myself have it and THAT is what matters.

Hmm, the great infertile gamble...

Although I know I don't have many readers (and thats OK, I'm sort of a blogging newbie anyways, haha) I wanted to get some other opinions on what to do my next cycle, combo or all injects. In a previous post I mentioned that my insurance will cover my first cycle with the new doc (minus the actually IUI procedure) because all of these u/s are seeing how I respond to the meds, as in diagnostic, however once the actual IUI is done, nothing is covered unless a diagnosis other than IF is found during the first cycle. So...if we try two more IUI's here is how it all breaks down....

Combo then all injects cycles:

Meds, U/S, IUI, Total

C1 : 10.00* , 30.00 , 315.00, 375.00
C2: 1000.00, 500.00 , 315.00, 1815.00
Total: 2190.00 for both cycles

Injects, then combo cycles:

Meds, U/S, IUI, Total

C1: 600.00*, 30.00, 315.00, 945.00
C2: 500.00 , 500.00, 315.00, 1315.00

Total: 2260.00 for both cycles

*this price takes into consideration I have 300IU's left from my last cycle.

OK, so as you can see the total cost for both cycles only varies by 70.00 so that isn't a huge point in how my decision goes. However, what does matter is if I want to pay very little the first cycle and then if it not work, pay over 2000.00 for the second OR do I want to pay a roughly even amount for both cycles? Here are my thoughts:

1.) If we go ahead with combo cycle for the first IUI and it works like the last one, I only spent 345.00 dollars...whoo-hoo!

2.) If the combo cycle doesn't work and I end up going to all injects the next time and getting pregnant I spent the whole 2300.00. However if I ended up getting KU'd with all injects I could have gone straight to the first part of option 3.

3.) If I start with all injects and it works, I've spent 1000.00, but if I was going to get pregnant anyways then number one comes back into play with spending initially less money for success.

4.) Then if I do all injects and it doesn't work and move onto combo and it does.....I've still spent the 2300.00 on success and used a method that I could have only spent 400.00 for.

5.) Another option is to do two combo cycles, which would total 1670.00. However, if I do this option and don't get pregnant either times I will probably end up trying injects before shelling out 10K for IVF and that will end up totaling 3690.00 overall.

6.) And lastly, none of options 1-5 apply and I end up needing IVF, so then it all boils down to how much money do I feel like being fucked out of until I realize it isn't making me pregnant? =/

Oh, and I should mention we are all set to do the combo cycle first. He isn't even making me come in for a baseline since it's such a drive and he didn't see any cysts friday. I already have my script for clomid and the pharmacy has my inject script on hold until Jan. However, Dr. W said that if I wanted we could easily switch to all injects first, just to let him know. So, what would YOU do?!

P.S- I meant to add this last bit before I posted this blog and the anon comment made me remember it. I am in no means saying that I wouldn't spend the more expensive option if it meant having my precious little one. I know in the long run, once I actually get that BFP (and have a successful pregnancy) then I won't bat an eye about the cost to get there, but unfortunately for now, money is an issue and in reality, it's all a gamble....

OK, getting up to speed....

Whew, I finally have time to sit down and talk about my doctors appt. on Friday. Ironically, I have more downtime at work right now (it's exam week) than I do in my personal life on the weekends or evenings, but anyways.

So, I met my husband in Charlottesville on Friday (He was coming from the NFL game in Washington the night before) and we proceeded to meet our new RE. Right away I knew I would like this clinic. The waiting room was a very private, comfortable setting with couches, coffee tables, and an available water cooler. The front desk persons were extremely nice, and check this out, when it was time to call us back for my appt. the doctor himself came out to call our name and introduce himself!! Basically we went into Dr.W's (not to be confused with my ob Dr. Wonderful, however that could be interchanged) office and he went over my medical history.....HSG, lap, S/A for the hubby, medicated cycles, IUI's, and the m/c. Then he asked us questions about our family history, we discussed a little bit about my CF, and he asked the basic "do you smoke/drink" health questions. Next he sat back at his desk and goes "OK, now that the basic stuff is over with, what do you want to do from here, what are you expecting from me?" Um, did I just hear you right?!?! I'm sorry, I am a bit shocked you actually asked what I want....does this mean you actually care and/or acknowledge the fact I am a well educated patient? I believe so, and thank god for that!

So, as for treatment I told Dr. W that DH and I wanted to try one more IUI and then move on to IVF, he nodded his head and says that is certainly one option, but he also suggested trying at least two IUI's before deciding about IVF because we know I can get pregnant. Although he knows we are not new to the RE bit, he wants us to try and start with a clean slate with him; now that we know what protocol works (the clomid/injects combo), we can start from there and work our way up. I liked this idea and appreciated the fact he wasn't an IVF pusher since my last RE was talking about it during our first appt. I also suggest going to all injects, and Dr. W said that we could definitely do that if we wanted, however usually once we find the protocol that works in getting pregnant to at least give it one other go (and to save some money), since getting pregnant and staying pregnant are two completely different issues. He also mentioned that his all inject cycles have a higher success rate of achieving pregnancy (basically because it helps produce more eggs) but in either cycle, clomid, combo, or otherwise (other than IVF) he doesn't want his patient to have more than 4 eggs, and if they do he usually cancels the IUI. Perfectly reasonable in my book, so we are good there. However, we still have the issue of which to do first, combo or all out injects, and I would like others opinions on this so I will post a separate blog on this debate.

After the initial consult he did a brief exam; the usual-pelvic, u/s, etc. Which, btw although my lefty is still hiding behind my uterus the wand didn't hurt like they have been in the past, yay! All is well in the pelvic department, the cysts on my right ovary are gone and I have lots of atrial follies just waiting to grow for my next cycles...whoo-hoo! All in all I really liked this doctor!! I actually walked out of his office feeling like an intelligent, respected patient....and THAT is definitely worth driving 2.5 hours for!

The dumbest of places....

So, all in all I would say that I have handled my m/c fairly well. I had two "major" breakdowns, one the day we found out and one several days after, but since then I have been so engrossed in the medical aspect of what was happening and so concentrated on moving on I haven't really been sad anymore. Maybe that is a good thing, but maybe not depending on who you ask. DH and I even got this little, silver ornament in honor of our babies that has two angels on it as a scroll that says "In loving memory" and a poem with it; you can see it here

The poem that goes with it always makes me tear up just a little, but I thought I would write them out (even though they are fairly well known)...

If Tears Could Build A Stairway

If tears could build a stairway
And memories were a lane
We would walk right up to Heaven
And bring you back again

No farewell words were spoken
No time to say goodbye
You were gone before we knew it
And only God knows why

Our hearts still ache in sadness
And secret tears still flow
What it meant to lose you
No on will ever know

But know we know you want us
To mourn for you no more
To remember all the happy times
Life still has much in store

Since you’ll never be forgotten
We pledge to you today
A hallowed place within our hearts
Is where you’ll always stay

Author Unknown

Anyways, my point is...for the most part, DH and I are doing OK in that department. We can talk about it without being sad, and we are really looking forward to continuing our journey. Well, this brings me to yesterday, and the original purpose for this blog. Yesterday morning I went to get my regular pedicure, and right as I was finishing up another lady walked into the room for her manicure appt. and she was carrying a baby carrier. Turns out it was her grandbaby, and I am assuming the mother is younger because this lady looked a little young to be a grandmother already and she mentioned the fact they all live at her house, but I digress. This baby was absolutely adorable! She actually looked a lot like two of my nieces so maybe that is why I thought she was so cute...they had the exact same big, baby blue eyes ;-). So I go on to learn that the little one is about 6 months old....how sweet right? THEN I realize that my babies would have been that exact age this time next year because my EDD was June, 3rd, and THAT hurt. THAT thought made me cry a little....not a lot, and really not enough for anyone to notice, just a tear or two, but it was the first time in what feels like a long time I was actually sad about it.

Sometimes it's the most random, little things huh?

Everyone needs an umbrella.....

OK, so this song is meant for relationships, but when I heard it, it made me think of friendships during infertility (and, my hunt for the lyrics was inspired by Jenn's comment on my post below-Thanks hun!)

Red Umbrella-Faith Hill

1st Verse

Sometimes life can get a little dark
I'm sure I've got bruises on my heart
Here come the black clouds full of pain
Yeah, you can break away without the chains

Pre Chorus

Your love is like a red umbrella
Walk the streets like Cinderella
Everyone can see it on my face

Chorus

(So) let it rain
It's pourin' all around
Let it fall
(No) it ain't gonna drown me
After all
I'm gonna be okay
(So) let it rain
(Oh, let it rain)
(Let it fall)
(I'm gonna be okay)
(So let it rain)

2nd Verse

You can wear your sorrow like an old raincoat
You can save your tears in a bottle made of gold
But the glitter on the sidewalk always shines
Yeah, even God needs to cry sometimes

Pre Chorus

Your love is like a red umbrella
Always there to make me better
When my broken dreams
Are fallin' from the sky

Bridge

Let it wash my tears away
Tomorrow's another day
Yeah

Hmm, been awhile, yes?

Wow...I sort of crapped out on the blog thing lately huh? Apparently life got busy, or in the midst of the normal chaos there wasn't anything important to say, one or the other ;-)

I do actually have an update in the TTC world (surprising, I know, haha). I have my first consult appt. with the new RE, woo-hoo!!! It is Dec. 7th and an entire hour is set aside for me and my fertility stuff. We will do the typical meet and greet, talk about my journey so far and see what my future options are. I am actually really excited to have a fresh set of eyes take a look at my infertility issues and see if he has any new ideas on what is "wrong". Hopefully, if all goes well we will do our first medicated cycle with this new doc in Jan. Now depending on how my off cycle goes this time, it will either be my first real bleed from the m/c or there will be a natural cycle in between. DH and I really wanted to get through the holidays without worrying about medications to pay for and ultrasounds. Plus, if I start my IUI cycle before Jan. 1st and get pregnant then my STD, which becomes effective at the start of the new year, may not cover my maternity leave.

Also, on my list of things to do is write my ob/gyn's office a thank you letter for how well I was treated during that whole m/c stuff. It's nice to actually feel like a person and not just a patient number for the day, especially with things so emotional as that. Maybe I will send a treat too, it is the holidays after all =)

And finally, there are some ladies that I would really like to send my hugs and thoughts out too-Nancy, Ashely, Jenn, Tammy, Kelly, Jen, Jewels, and Mon. It seems like in the IF world, there is ALWAYS bad news, and lately the shit just keeps getting shoveled onto those who really don't deserve it. I wish nothing but the best for everyone dealing with IF, but for the group of people I have truly grown to know as friends, watching their disappointment is almost worse than going through it myself.

Throwing this out there....

I wanted to repost a little tidbit I posted on a message board. To put this next blurb into perspective for those reading it, this was directed toward a group of good ladies just starting out in the TTC world who noticed that some of us "oldies" were being more brazen in our bitter bitchiness sometimes. My hopes for writing it was to give them a perspective on the journey and how perspectives will change.

"Someone made the comment about remembering what it was like early in your journey when it came to BFNs and hope and disappointment....so I did, I sat down and really thought about it. I remember my early months, I remember being crushed because I just knew I was pregnant on C3 and when I wasn't I thought it was the end of the world. When I hit C9 and realized I *might* be looking at IF I made the arguement that my pain was just as worse as those who had been trying for years because no matter what the situation a BFN still hurt....and I know now I was only half right. I will admit the disappointment is still the same....getting your hopes squashed with the arrival of AF sucks no matter what....but because I am now one of those who have been working at this for so long (although not as long as some, so I do still realize my "place" in this) I understand now the pain and stress is completely different....I only thought I knew BFN pain until I got here, and I thought this would sum it up.....

In my first year of trying, BFN's sucked because I had such high hopes....they sucked because I was naive and thought everything was a pregnancy symptom....they sucked because I just knew it was supposed to happen.

Now with my (and people like myself) BFN's there is a whole added dimension. Now with a BFN I don't just cry, I grieve.....I grieve because I know enough to know it probably wasn't going to happen but I hope anyways because I want to be a mother so bad I taste it.....I grieve for the next holiday that will pass without my baby.....I grieve for my husband who now cries with me

In my first year of trying I debated about spending the money on OPK's and when to take them, and how long to wait to pee in the afternoon. I had questions about my chart and when I O'd, did we have sex enough and if 15 minutes in the morning will really make a difference. The only money I had to worry about was that 12 bucks on a box of OPK's and the occasional pregnancy test.....

Now is different. Each failed cycle usually means throwing 1000's down the drain....I don't have to worry about OPK's anymore because I get to inject myself and have multiple u/s to check my follie growth. Sex isn't an issue....as long as he can do it in a cup. Each new cycle brings the stress of wondering if you can pay for all the treatments you need.....and it means giving up months at a time when the budget is too tight.....

In my first year of trying I never had to cancel or postpone vacations because of my cycle or base my own schedule around driving 2 hours to see an RE

In my first year of trying I just knew it would happen....now I know am lucky as hell if it does...and better yet, if it sticks....because now I know that regardless of what I went through to get pregnant...that's the easy part.

My point of all of this is....you don't realize what perspective you will gain on this journey as a whole until you do it....when I first started I just knew my pain and disappointment was the same as those who had done it much longer....I was wrong, because the pain and stress and disappointment is different. When I first started trying I just knew that if it didn't happen in a year I would stop....I was wrong, because over the years my desire grew. When I first started I just knew as soon as I got pregnant it meant I would be a mom.....I was wrong and have two angel babies to prove it. When I first started I thought "that won't happen to me"...I was wrong, because it DID happen to me and my respect for those who have gone through this before me, those who have done it longer and those who have spent more money has only grown. Honestly, when I first started out, I was selfish because I could only compare how bad MY journey was...how much MY BFN's hurt....without looking at how good I might really have it. I thought "how dare you say my hurt isn't as bad as yours, how do you know how I feel....this journey is bad for everyone"....but in the end, I was only half right, because I had only gone through half my journey."

Am I one of the "unlucky ones"....or not?

Maybe simply the fact I have to ask that question implies that I am in fact NOT one of the unlucky ones, but it's definitely something that crossed my mind today. Just as a forewarning, I will be talking about my yet to miscarry miscarriage here....

So I have only recently entered into this world of "those who have lost" but there is one thing I've noticed. Although there is much camaraderie between women who have suffered this tragedy, like in IF there are different degrees of sadness and empathy one receives and even different degrees of joy when another BFP is granted. Losses can occur in many ways, obviously the most common being those in the first trimester in which a heartbeat is not detected or it is detected one week and not the next....or those that simply start bleeding before they ever get to their first appt. Then there are the losses that occur later on known as still births and babies that are so premature,they don't survive. See, even as you read this I bet your heart goes out *more* to the second scenario, which as I should mention, it completely should! But that also proves my point....within each world and journey for the illustrious chance at a family there are different variations in the way your own struggle is perceived.

However, let's get back to the more common first trimester loss since that is the one I am currently dealing with. Now, this is where my question of luck arises. Obviously anyone who has to suffer through this is considered unlucky...however, is there more that comes into play? For example, is someone who was NEVER able to conceive more or less lucky than someone who conceived and lost? I mentioned in an earlier post that I have been on both sides of the fence and there were times when I wished I would have never conceived at all because then I could go along my merry way of TTC (and I'm using the term *merry* lightly here) but at least it was something I was used to, something I knew how to handle. However, hindsight is 20/20 and it occurred to me the other day that maybe the fact I actually conceived and lost made the desire to create a family all the more intense, and now I want more than anything to keep trying, but maybe, just maybe if I haven't conceived on that last IUI my heart would have given up....I would have been defeated and stopped my active journey. Obviously right now I can't answer that one.

Now, let's move on to a different example....is someone who suffers a loss after struggling with IF more entitled to sympathy than someone who m/c on C3 or C6 or better yet, someone who only found out they were pregnant *because* they lost it. I think I'm on the fence about this one. Not because I think one m/c emotionally hurt more than the other (going back to the overall unlucky comment) but because statistically those who m/c early on in their TTC endeavors will most likely get pregnant again, and probably somewhat quickly (as in within the next 6 months to a year). Those who try for years and go through IF treatments to get pregnant, only to lose it, face the worry that since it took so long the first time it may take that long again, or perhaps never again. Also, in looking at IF treatments, those things are pretty damn expensive and if you know you have to go back to an IF treatment to get pregnant again you are faced with the financial burden again that you thought you were able to forget and put behind you. Now, don't get me wrong....I know babies and children aren't cheap, but to have to spend so much money on actually conceiving, then doing it all over again because the pregnancy wasn't successful sucks because even after all of that you are still faced with the issue of paying for the child. I know when I found out I was pregnant I was so glad I didn't have to spend anymore money on IF treatments (at least not for *this* child), and the fact I now I have do it all again when I thought I was done for now was disappointing and crushing.

Next, moving on to the way people actually m/c. Usually in 1st tri miscarriages a woman starts to bleed and it is usually right then she knows she lost it. Or, as I mentioned before you go to an u/s and don't find a heartbeat so a D&C is done and physically (emotionally is a whole different story) the woman and her partner can move on and decide to TTC again when they want. Then you have my situation....where, number one my first doctor lied to me, and number two, even after the m/c was confirmed (because the sacs and babies-or lack thereof, wasn't growing) but there were other issues, such as continually rising beta's or issues and pain with the u/s's that makes your doctor want to "wait it out" and "see what happens". Now usually I would say this waiting period is only a week or two before the doc decides to do a D&C or medicinally start the m/c...but what if you have several confusing u/s and beta numbers, then what? Well, I will tell you what....you wait. You wait for a crazy amount of time because nothing is really big enough to advise doing a D&C and your numbers are just low enough that they may fall and things will start naturally.....or, they may not but medically it is smart to wait. I found out I was going to lose my babies at 6w3d...right now I am 10w exactly and by my next appt I will be 11w exactly. That is over four weeks I have been carrying around an empty sac(s) (the small one dissolved sometime around 8 weeks). Thats four weeks of knowing I will not be pregnant at thanksgiving like I was supposed to, but still technically pregnant right now which means I can't even try again and I'm in this sucky abyss of nothing (Yes Nancy, your last post prompted this one, lol). So, you tell me...is knowing all of this information early and told to "wait it out", or finding out later in the first tri and having everything taken care of, or just starting to bleed before you know something is wrong...more unlucky (or more lucky, if you wish to use it in that terms)?

P.S-I also must put out there that this is not directed toward anyone or one particular situation and I am completely empathetic for ALL m/c's because I've been there....this is simple an observation for today ;-)