Since I shared a story of my Grandfather yesterday, it's only fair you get to hear something about my grandmother today as I love and miss them both very much. My grandmother outlived my grandfather by almost 8 years, however in June of 2005 (wow, I can't believe it's been that long) she suffered a stroke in her home from which she would never recover. All of the doctors thought she would die that evening. She didn't, but she was never my "grandmother" again. The entire left side of her body was paralyzed and she lost most all memory and cognitive function...she couldn't talk or even write to get a thought out. She could interact with us as her care givers, but we aren't quite sure she understood we were "family" although she may have on occasion because sometimes when we had to bath her, change her, and groom her she would flush as if she was embarrassed. We always told her not to worry because she had seen the behind of everyone in this room too many times to count, and this was the least we could do after she raised 5 girls, 12 grandchildren and 10 great-grandchildren (that number has grown since then, but I digress). One time I brought my wedding album, since it was one month prior to her stroke, for her to look through because she was in a lot of pictures and I asked if she remembered that day....she just shook her head no. We always wondered what she did and didn't remember because she still looked longingly at the picture of my grandfather by her bedside. Maybe that is the power of true love, I'm not sure.
During all of this time (after her brief ICU stay immediately following the incident) my grandmother was in a nursing home. We had someone in our family with her every minute of the day, and I always visited her for hours on Friday nights. That is how DH and I spent our weekends that summer.....with my grandmother. Well one evening Thomas and I showed up and my aunt was there as well, so I started telling her the story of how I had lost my flip flop on the way to Greensboro because it flew out the window. DH and I hadn't laughed that hard in quite some time. Basically we were riding down the road, windows down, enjoying the day. Usually on longer car rides I take my shoes off and sit crossed-legged in the front see. Well, about half way there I look down and see a bee on my flip-flop. I'm allergic to bees so I wanted it out of the car as quickly as possible and decided I could just pick up my shoe and flick it out the window....no big deal. So I proceeded to do so and as soon as a flicked it, the wind caught my shoe with such force it blew it out of my hand and onto the highway at about 60 miles an hour. DH said my face was absolutely priceless, I was stunned it happened for a minute and then we both laughed until we started crying. So as I am repeating this story both DH and I start laughing again as well as my aunt.....then right after I get to the part about the shoe my grandmother looks at me eyes wide, jaw dropped and starts to laugh in the only way she can figure out how. I will NEVER forget that moment....it was the last time I truly connected with her before she passed away about a month later. She took a drastic turn for the worst right after that, ended up back in the hospital and eventually passed away in her home, on hospice, with all of her family there. I will never forget that moment either....holding her hand while she died, peaceful yet sad.....but that face, that look of surprise....the moment of connection after so long....was absolutely beautiful.
Thank you God for my lost shoe.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Friday, February 15, 2008
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Right or Left?
I haven't told one of my life stories in awhile, so here it goes. Actually this isn't a story about MY life per se, but my Mom's life that I heard at my grandfather's funeral.
There are a lot of things I remember about my grandfathers funeral (10 years ago), but one thing that sticks out was a story the pastor told about him. My mom was one of five girls, all two years apart. Apparently when they were little my grandparents would take them out for ice cream on Sundays....sometimes. There was an intersection in the road home from church and if my grandfather turned the car left they were going home and if he went right the girls knew it was ice cream time. However, he couldn't do this every Sunday and of course the girls always whined when they didn't get their weekly treat. My grandfather would always tell them it was because someone wasn't good that week, etc, etc and that the ice cream was a reward so they didn't get it. In reality, as we learned at his funeral, my grandfather always felt extremely guilty on the Sunday's he couldn't get his babies ice cream....the truth was he couldn't afford the .10 cents a cone that week. He always wanted the best for his girls, and he felt guilty over .50 cents. Fifty cents made him feel like a bad father on those weeks he had to turn left, and he talked about it to his paster and friend years later.
I like this story for several reasons, all of which I am sure cannot be captured in a blog. Number one, it lets me in on a story about my grandfather I didn't know before, and I always appreciate that (sort of like the time I found out he was the 2nd wave on the beaches of Normandy). Number two, it seems crazy to me that he felt so bad over that ice cream considering the wonderful man, husband, father, and grandfather he was. However, just the fact he felt guilty over something so silly shows what a wonderful person he was. He was a great man, and I consider myself lucky to be his granddaughter because knowing someone like that makes you want to be a better person, and I still catch myself wondering if he would be proud.
There are a lot of things I remember about my grandfathers funeral (10 years ago), but one thing that sticks out was a story the pastor told about him. My mom was one of five girls, all two years apart. Apparently when they were little my grandparents would take them out for ice cream on Sundays....sometimes. There was an intersection in the road home from church and if my grandfather turned the car left they were going home and if he went right the girls knew it was ice cream time. However, he couldn't do this every Sunday and of course the girls always whined when they didn't get their weekly treat. My grandfather would always tell them it was because someone wasn't good that week, etc, etc and that the ice cream was a reward so they didn't get it. In reality, as we learned at his funeral, my grandfather always felt extremely guilty on the Sunday's he couldn't get his babies ice cream....the truth was he couldn't afford the .10 cents a cone that week. He always wanted the best for his girls, and he felt guilty over .50 cents. Fifty cents made him feel like a bad father on those weeks he had to turn left, and he talked about it to his paster and friend years later.
I like this story for several reasons, all of which I am sure cannot be captured in a blog. Number one, it lets me in on a story about my grandfather I didn't know before, and I always appreciate that (sort of like the time I found out he was the 2nd wave on the beaches of Normandy). Number two, it seems crazy to me that he felt so bad over that ice cream considering the wonderful man, husband, father, and grandfather he was. However, just the fact he felt guilty over something so silly shows what a wonderful person he was. He was a great man, and I consider myself lucky to be his granddaughter because knowing someone like that makes you want to be a better person, and I still catch myself wondering if he would be proud.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
What a sad face.....
That's what one of the guests at the shower said to me after she took an unexpected picture. She was a friend of my cousin's, not family, so she probably didn't have any idea about the m/c. However, I survived....it was like a knife in my heart (or gut, whichever you prefer) for an hour and half, but I lived through it. It was definitely bittersweet....I almost lost it when the dad-to-be put a monogrammed burp cloth over his shoulder, and all I could imagine was DH holding our little baby. Then I almost lost it again when my cousin started thanking everyone for coming and celebrating such a great miracle, etc, etc....her husband was holding her hand and then he kissed her.....yeah, that hurt. She will be 34 weeks tomorrow....I would have been 24 (our turnover day was the same-Sunday). She will probably have her baby in two weeks (health issues), and all odds are I will be starting AF. Hey, maybe I can get a surprise BFP on the day he is born.....I think God has a sense of humor like that sometimes....although maybe just thinking that I ruined my own surprise....damn.
Diaper D-Day
For all who have been following, my cousin's baby shower is today. I went out last night at got her the mandatory gift: diapers, baby wipes, and little handy disposable cloths....ugh, gag me. I actually said that to DH last night while shopping, and got a few odd stares in the baby department. Oh, and the card aisle as well where I go "did I mention I hate baby showers?" Now almost every person in Wal-mart thinks I am anti-baby, which in a way is kinda true....every baby but my own that is.
I've been thinking a lot about babies and pregnancy this week and here is what I have come to conclude. I think it should be encoded in our DNA that everyone who is TTC has to do it for at least 6 months until they achieve conception. None of this, oops, accident, we only tried for one month crap.....all you people can bite me. That is all ;-)
I've been thinking a lot about babies and pregnancy this week and here is what I have come to conclude. I think it should be encoded in our DNA that everyone who is TTC has to do it for at least 6 months until they achieve conception. None of this, oops, accident, we only tried for one month crap.....all you people can bite me. That is all ;-)
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Why people don't get it
Notice I said "why people don't get it" not "why don't people get it?" See the difference there? Rather than asking the question over and over again, I think I figured it out....
It is T minus 4 days until my cousin's baby shower (that yes, I am going to assuming her BP doesn't sky rocket again and they take the baby early, but that is another story) because although it will probably not be very enjoyable for me, NOT going would cause more of a ruckus in my family than going and being "anti-social".....maybe. Anyways, my mom and I were discussing this exact thing on Sunday, and here is how I explained it.....
For the most part, people (i.e-fertile people) don't see the forest for the trees (as a sidenote: is this statement "forest for the trees" or "forest through the trees" because I have honestly seen it both ways). For example, when I went home after my niece was born back in Oct of 06 and cried for two hours, people see that as being "selfish" because I was hindering someone else's special day. "They" think it is silly of my to be upset because certainly "you will be pregnant in no time" certainly "By the time (insert family holiday here) rolls around you will be pregnant and acting this way right now will seem 'childish' and self-centered" or "you are young". Which in my mind can be translated as....you are young and have a lot of time or you are young and fertile....pick your poison there. Unfortunately "they" aren't fortune tellers and little did they know a year later I wouldn't have a baby.....a year later, 2 days before her one year birthday party I would find out I am going to lose my twins.
The problem is people only see and react to the immediate. They only see how you are responding right this second, if you are having a good day or a bad day right NOW. What they don't fully comprehend is all of the bad days that led up to "the big one", all of the circumstances that are causing you to be anti-social (translate bitchy) at a baby shower or birthday party. They don't realize or care how long you have tried up until this point, or how long in your heart you know you will have to go to succeed. It is sad, but true, don't you think? And it is this ignorance that puts a stigma on those of us going through IF. It is the phenomena that allows people to call us bitter, cold, selfish, etc, etc. THIS is the problem with people.
Although I am more brazen about expressing this concept to other people in such situations, my Mom (God bless her) basically said she was gonna let anyone have it who says one word about how I act that day....she actually used the word bitch in our conversation and if you knew my mom.....hell just froze over.
It is T minus 4 days until my cousin's baby shower (that yes, I am going to assuming her BP doesn't sky rocket again and they take the baby early, but that is another story) because although it will probably not be very enjoyable for me, NOT going would cause more of a ruckus in my family than going and being "anti-social".....maybe. Anyways, my mom and I were discussing this exact thing on Sunday, and here is how I explained it.....
For the most part, people (i.e-fertile people) don't see the forest for the trees (as a sidenote: is this statement "forest for the trees" or "forest through the trees" because I have honestly seen it both ways). For example, when I went home after my niece was born back in Oct of 06 and cried for two hours, people see that as being "selfish" because I was hindering someone else's special day. "They" think it is silly of my to be upset because certainly "you will be pregnant in no time" certainly "By the time (insert family holiday here) rolls around you will be pregnant and acting this way right now will seem 'childish' and self-centered" or "you are young". Which in my mind can be translated as....you are young and have a lot of time or you are young and fertile....pick your poison there. Unfortunately "they" aren't fortune tellers and little did they know a year later I wouldn't have a baby.....a year later, 2 days before her one year birthday party I would find out I am going to lose my twins.
The problem is people only see and react to the immediate. They only see how you are responding right this second, if you are having a good day or a bad day right NOW. What they don't fully comprehend is all of the bad days that led up to "the big one", all of the circumstances that are causing you to be anti-social (translate bitchy) at a baby shower or birthday party. They don't realize or care how long you have tried up until this point, or how long in your heart you know you will have to go to succeed. It is sad, but true, don't you think? And it is this ignorance that puts a stigma on those of us going through IF. It is the phenomena that allows people to call us bitter, cold, selfish, etc, etc. THIS is the problem with people.
Although I am more brazen about expressing this concept to other people in such situations, my Mom (God bless her) basically said she was gonna let anyone have it who says one word about how I act that day....she actually used the word bitch in our conversation and if you knew my mom.....hell just froze over.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Just because
My cousin's baby shower is next weekend...on the 9th. She only tried for 6 months.....she was 10 weeks ahead of me....we even went to a birth convention together in town....I remember being so excited then. I remember thinking how great it is our kids would be so close because, although not in age, my cousin and I are very close. I remember thinking that at her baby shower I would have my own little belly...I remember thinking we would be swapping new mom stories at family get-togethers.
Funny thing about her only trying 6 months though is that she has a history of long cycles so her doctor wanted her to do a progesterone test to see about PCOS an anovulation, but she ordered it on cd21. When the results came back her nurse told her the level was .1, she didn't ovulate, and they were referring her to an RE for infertility testing and possible treatment. She was freaked out so she called me because she knows I have been through infertility myself. I calmly told her that since her cycles are longer, she probably didn't ovulate on cd14, making the P test at cd21 invalid...it doesn't mean she's not ovulating, it means she hasn't ovulated yet or she ovulated much later than they expected. Two weeks later my mom calls and tells me my cousin is pregnant. Yeah, and since everyone who reads this is familiar with the TTC timeline....she probably conceived that night I talked to her. Irony is a bitch sometimes, but I digress.
As for the baby shower thing, there are a few people who know what happened during my SIL's baby shower (I didn't have a blog then, sorry) and I fully think (because of that) everyone is expecting me to be frigid during this one as well because THIS time I'm not only dealing with IF but I'm dealing with my m/c too. Oh, and it's not for certain if my mom is going because of things between her and the aforementioned SIL who happens to be co-hosting the shower. That sucks because my Mom was my only saving grace last time. I've been dreading this day for a long time....dreading her birth even more because her baby's birth marked the nearing of MY baby's birth. I'm not sure if people in my family feel sorry for me or think I'm pathetic.....no one has really talked to me about how it felt when I went through my m/c. Of course I got the cards and the occasional hug for no reason....but no one really asked because most likely no one wanted to hear. They didn't want to hear about how I tried to hold my composure while getting that beta knowing what it would tell me. They didn't want to hear about how I had tried so hard for this. They didn't want to know about the Saturday morning I couldn't get out of bed because all I wanted to do was cry. They don't want to know I still keep my pregnancy journal because I simply don't know what to do with it. They don't want to know about the bouncy seat, diaper bag and spare car seat that now sits in my basement, unused and discarded....the onsies we bought at Target because we couldn't resist (because of course we were immune to m/c ::sigh::) that are stilling hanging in the closet....the maternity announcement shirts now folded in my drawer. The truth is, no one in my family (except maybe my mom) really cares about this stuff....at least that is how it feels.
What brought about all of these feelings right now you ask? Well, I had been feeling them for awhile now but I found this list posted on a blog called "Our Daughters Have Wings" and it all came pouring out. Even though I lost my twins in the first trimester, everything is all so true and so unbelievably heart-wrenching....Here it goes:
Funny thing about her only trying 6 months though is that she has a history of long cycles so her doctor wanted her to do a progesterone test to see about PCOS an anovulation, but she ordered it on cd21. When the results came back her nurse told her the level was .1, she didn't ovulate, and they were referring her to an RE for infertility testing and possible treatment. She was freaked out so she called me because she knows I have been through infertility myself. I calmly told her that since her cycles are longer, she probably didn't ovulate on cd14, making the P test at cd21 invalid...it doesn't mean she's not ovulating, it means she hasn't ovulated yet or she ovulated much later than they expected. Two weeks later my mom calls and tells me my cousin is pregnant. Yeah, and since everyone who reads this is familiar with the TTC timeline....she probably conceived that night I talked to her. Irony is a bitch sometimes, but I digress.
As for the baby shower thing, there are a few people who know what happened during my SIL's baby shower (I didn't have a blog then, sorry) and I fully think (because of that) everyone is expecting me to be frigid during this one as well because THIS time I'm not only dealing with IF but I'm dealing with my m/c too. Oh, and it's not for certain if my mom is going because of things between her and the aforementioned SIL who happens to be co-hosting the shower. That sucks because my Mom was my only saving grace last time. I've been dreading this day for a long time....dreading her birth even more because her baby's birth marked the nearing of MY baby's birth. I'm not sure if people in my family feel sorry for me or think I'm pathetic.....no one has really talked to me about how it felt when I went through my m/c. Of course I got the cards and the occasional hug for no reason....but no one really asked because most likely no one wanted to hear. They didn't want to hear about how I tried to hold my composure while getting that beta knowing what it would tell me. They didn't want to hear about how I had tried so hard for this. They didn't want to know about the Saturday morning I couldn't get out of bed because all I wanted to do was cry. They don't want to know I still keep my pregnancy journal because I simply don't know what to do with it. They don't want to know about the bouncy seat, diaper bag and spare car seat that now sits in my basement, unused and discarded....the onsies we bought at Target because we couldn't resist (because of course we were immune to m/c ::sigh::) that are stilling hanging in the closet....the maternity announcement shirts now folded in my drawer. The truth is, no one in my family (except maybe my mom) really cares about this stuff....at least that is how it feels.
What brought about all of these feelings right now you ask? Well, I had been feeling them for awhile now but I found this list posted on a blog called "Our Daughters Have Wings" and it all came pouring out. Even though I lost my twins in the first trimester, everything is all so true and so unbelievably heart-wrenching....Here it goes:
20 Things Parents of Angels Wish People Would Remember
1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my babies. The truth is just because you never saw my babies doesn't mean they don't deserve your recognition.
2. I wish that if we did talk about my babies and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my babies. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my babies with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.
3. I wish that you could talk about my babies more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten and that you do care and understand.
4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my babies. The truth is I love my babies and need to talk about them.
5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my babies died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.
6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my babies, the love I feel for my babies, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my babies are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.
7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that my babies never existed. The truth is we both know I had babies growing inside me.
8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.
9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.
10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing my babies doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.
11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be "over" this.
12. I wish you wouldn't think that my babies weren't really babies and they were blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my babies were human lives. My babies had souls, hearts, bodies, legs, arms and faces. I have seen my babies' bodies and faces. My babies were real people - and they were alive.
13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my babies were born and the days I lost my babies are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.
14. I wish you understood that losing my babies has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ""normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you'll still like me.
15. I wish you wouldn't tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the babies I lost and no other baby can replace them. Babies aren't interchangeable. Besides, you do not know whether we have fertility problems too.
16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my babies or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.
17. I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.
18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous.
19. I wish you wouldn't say that it's natures way of telling me something was wrong with my babies. The truth is my babies were perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.
20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Tea time (kid photos)
I'm not sure if I mentioned it earlier but for my niece's 7th birthday my mom and I took both of the girls out to lunch at a local tea room where they are allowed to dress up in hats, jewelry, gloves, etc, and they had a blast. I just pulled the pictures off my camera and I wanted to share a few of my favorites =). Oh,and I have a few random pics to share as well.
This is the birthday girl herself....quite a ham huh? ;-)
This is the eldest of the niece clan.
I told the girls this was my Jackie O hat...they had no idea what I was talking about, haha.
Both girls. They play exceptionally well together, but given the fact they are only 15 months apart that makes sense.
I took this picture yesterday because little man is finally sitting up on his own. It's about time since he is 10 months old today, but he was a preemie so it works.
Lastly, this was the sunset DH and I ran into coming back from the RE's. I love living in the mountains....I don't think I could ever do otherwise.
This is the birthday girl herself....quite a ham huh? ;-)
This is the eldest of the niece clan.
I told the girls this was my Jackie O hat...they had no idea what I was talking about, haha.
Both girls. They play exceptionally well together, but given the fact they are only 15 months apart that makes sense.
I took this picture yesterday because little man is finally sitting up on his own. It's about time since he is 10 months old today, but he was a preemie so it works.
Lastly, this was the sunset DH and I ran into coming back from the RE's. I love living in the mountains....I don't think I could ever do otherwise.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Birthdays and other stuff.....
I got my mid-cycle u/s scheduled today, which will be at my normal OB's office and not the RE's to save the 4 hour round trip up there, and ordered my trigger. I hope I still have needles for that because they didn't send any...oh well, I have some at work I can get if I need. I start my injects tonight, u/s on Tuesday, and based on past results an IUI next Thursday (I'm pretty sure I've already said this on here, but oh well). One week from today I may be on my way to preggo-ness again...ack!
My Mom's birthday is tomorrow, which means mine is in 19 days....oh, and I can test then too...complete double ack!
Lastly...my feet are frozen...damn office.
My Mom's birthday is tomorrow, which means mine is in 19 days....oh, and I can test then too...complete double ack!
Lastly...my feet are frozen...damn office.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
CHRISTMAS PICS!!!
First Christmas present of the night. My little nephew opening the gift we got him (thats me in the background).
Trying to get a picture of me and all the nieces/nephew....too many cameras and the babies really just wanted to play with the toy in my lap, haha.
I ~puffy heart~ this picture SO much....it's a great one of Thomas and just makes me smile seeing him hold her.....
Thanks Auntie Katie...I like this!
The girls opening all their gifts....they always go first.
Taking a break from gifts =)
The big family portrait!!! From right to left: Kim (holding Cooper), Fred, Mom, the girls Carsen and Hannah in the front, Dad, Gwen (holding Elena), Jodie, Me and and Thomas.
All of our loot from my Mom's house....holy cow...next year, we draw names, lol
Thomas getting his surprise gift....the speaker he wanted
Ginger enjoying her stocking stuffers
My MIL on Christmas morning opening her new TV
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