The Unlikely Life

Look what I did Mom!

2010-12-14T10:41:00.001-05:00

And if you didnt notice, he is proudly sitting on a can of corn. Love days with him.....

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A Letter

2010-12-13T03:40:00.001-05:00

Dear Tush:
This is your down-sizing notice. The area of space that you inhabit in my jeans is no longer acceptable, and as of Jan. 1st we will be making some changes around these parts. My body is not the gospel so please stop spreading it around. I do not appreciate the jiggle when I brush my teeth. I hope I have given you enough warning.

Love,
Katie

P.S-Dear Boobs: You might want to consider taking advice from my behind as it has no problem filling things out. Thanks!

That is all.

A Cullen story

2010-11-30T10:21:00.002-05:00

Cullen is now two (pictures of his birthday to come once I pull them off my camera), and the one thing I love about this age is the things that come out of his mouth sometimes. Example:

Cullen walks out of the laundry room with my bra wrapped around his chest saying, "My boobies, my boobies". Then he drops it on the ground, looks at me and goes, "Where'd my boobies go?"

Lol, love him.

Back to my roots

2010-11-25T23:47:00.002-05:00

Ya know, it's funny, when you go through IF even when you aren't trying, anything that has to do with your "cycle" takes your brain to that TTC place. For example, I am currently off BC. No, we aren't trying right now, and I was fairly happy with the BC I was on (Nuvaring) but Thomas and I were trying to cut any extra monthly expenses out and barrier methods (ie spermacide) are a lot cheaper. Plus I'm going back to my gyno in Jan and I am going to try and convince her to give me the patch (which I love)....however if not (because she really doesn't like it) I am probably going to stay off BC because we *might* starting trying in about a year or so. So this is my first cycle off BC and here have been some of the things I have been keeping "track" of...

CD....currently(based on the fact it's technically the 26th) I am on cd30
CM....mostly creamy, no EWCM to speak of
FD....because of our schedules this month we have only FD'd once, on cd12 to be exact.
Signs of impending AF...I know since this is my first cycle it may take a bit to adjust, but this week I have been super bloated and my boobs are tender so I'm hoping these are signs of her arrival. My cycles off BCP were usually 30-36 days. Even though we aren't trying, being "regular" is comforting...at least I know what to expect.

I am also trying out different barrier methods other than condoms. So far I have tried the films...hated them, plus it gave me a yeast infection...blah! And now we are going to try the little spermacide inserts instead...we will see. Has anyone had any experience with these? Like, dislike?

Lastly, has anyone out there experienced weight gain after coming off BC, particularly the nuvaring? While on it, I maintained my normal weight....however since stopping it at the end of last month I have gaind 6-7 lbs! No diet changes, no activity changes....the only thing that changed was coming off of BC. Is that normal? When we started to try back in 2005 I was coming off the pill and never had this problem. Any thoughts?

National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness

2010-11-09T21:28:00.002-05:00

Ok, so technically the observation week occured back in Sept., the 13-19 to be exact, BUT I just found this and wanted to participate. Im not even sure CF can be considered an "invisible illness" but by all accounts it should qualify b/c you can look at me and "see" something wrong. So, here we go.

30 things about my invisible illness you may not know.....

1. The illness I live with is: Cystic Fibrosis
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 1985
3. But I had symptoms since: I've never been without them, it has always been normal.
4.The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: It has been different during different stages of my life. As a child I was very selective who I spent my time with in regards to friends bc some of the symptoms can be embarassing. Growing up it was just constant doctor visits, and during my teen years my diet adjustment was the biggest deal. Now that I've been hit with more of the respiratory issues of CF, I have to watch I dont get overexerted doing "normal" things like running errands or playing with my son, but that is geting better every day.
5. Most people assume: Hmm, Im not sure...most of the time people are very surprised to find out I have CF
6. The hardest part about mornings are: coughing up yucky crap
7. My favorite medical TV show is: Anything on Discovery Health. I like true, unusal cases and stories.
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: In regards to CF, or in general? For CF, it would probably have to be my inhaler.
9. The hardest part about nights are: Again, coughing up yucky crap and just breathing in general.
10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins. Now, I only take one pill on a regular basis because my digestive stuff is under control with diet; however growing up I easily took 20 pills a day. I really should be on more now though. Im horible at remembering to take pills.
11. Regarding alternative treatments I: Think they can work if you find the right one. I do pilates for my breathing.....yeah, I love the muscle tone benefit as well, but I notice a huge difference in my breathing when I do it regularly.
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: Invisible, it's all I know.
13. Regarding working and career: I used to not think about how it impacts my career, but more recently it has. Just recently I gave up education on a nursing career because the direct patient care was constantly keeping me sick and I was missing a lot of work. Working nights hurts my health too, more than the average wear and tear.
14. People would be surprised to know: No surprise, but Im really stubborn about my disease.
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: That I am actually sick. Although I have lived with CF my entire life, it has more recently caused me problems that bring my reality to the forefront of my life. Most days I dont feel sick, and for that I am thankful.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: conceive, birth, and breastfeed my son.
17. The commercials about my illness: None
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: I cant' answer this....however I have never not done something on a normal basis bc of CF.
19. It was really hard to have to give up: My education and career in nursing. I still have a bachelor in Science, but I wanted more.
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: CF is the reason I started pilates. I love it.
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: Well, I am lucky to feel normal a lot more than most, but I would greatly appreciate a day without coughing....not sure what I would do special though. Run a marathon maybe? haha
22. My illness has taught me: Perspective
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: Nothing really. There isn't a lot to say about CF.
24. But I love it when people: Say how healthy I seem.
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: Music gets me through anything. Especially Christian.
26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: You aren't alone, treatments are better all the time, and I truly believe a cure will be found.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: How normal it is.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: My friends and family lift me up in more ways than I can count.
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: N/A
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Like you care

From my parents computer

2010-11-06T13:48:00.005-04:00

My parents spend a lot of time with Cullen and consequently they have a lot of photos of him too on their computer. So, in honor of the fact my son is turing two in 12 days, I wanted to post a few pictures from over the years that they have taken.

Update needed

2010-11-04T14:32:00.007-04:00

Apparently I need to update things around here. For those who wondered (btw, thank you!) I did make it out of the hospital that Monday after a 5 day "vacation". Unfortunately however 2 weeks later I got sick again with chest congestion and a fever....fun days, let me tell ya...but since then I have been feeling pretty well and Im back to working out again, which helps tremendously.

Other life happenings have been going on as well....my Father in law passed away in Sept. and we went to the beach in mid October. Im still working nights as of right now, but I've been actively trying to find a new job.

I am going to write a more in depth post about each thing, but right now I will leave you with some of my favorite shots throughout the last few months.....

Day 4?

2010-08-21T13:22:00.002-04:00

Or maybe three since technically I didnt check-in until 4pm on Wednesday, but all I can say is I am super ready for Monday to come so I can go home. I miss my baby, my family, and dare I say it, even my house. Hospitals are boring...even though I do have the luxery of being "ad lib" so I can walk around, wear my own pj's, etc.

Stinky as it is, this was necessary. Im taking one huge step in getting better....back to being fully me =)

Better Me, Rule One

2010-07-25T00:27:00.002-04:00

I will not feel guilty for sleeping on the weekends after working night shift. See, ever since I started nights, I've had a hard time sleeping during the day....occasionally its because we have something going on and I dont get a chance to sleep like I would like, but most of the time its because I have this "guilt" I am missing out on weekend time with Cullen and Thomas so I get up....then go back to work at night....completely exhausted.

So, my new rule is I wont feel guilty for sleeping 5-6 hours during the day on weekends. I spend every moment with Cullen from Monday morning until Friday evening....so it's not like I'm not around at all, and plus, Thomas needs to spend the time with Cullen sans Mommy.

Three cheers for saying good-bye to sleep deprivation and never going more than 24 hours without sleep =D

Me

2010-07-20T21:41:00.002-04:00

Hi, my name is Katie.....I am sick, but I am blessed. I have Cystic Fibrosis, but I am "healthy". I played sports all through high school, I can normally walk, run, and exercise and only get "normal" expected shortness of breath....no oxygen needed. I have a son that I carried, gave birth to and breastfed and, who now I can chase after and play with....a dream for many women with CF that may never come true. I dont own a vest or do daily nebs....I only have an as needed inhaler. I don't take digestive enzymes.....I do take ADEK. Im not underweight. I have only been hospitalized once in my life and have had 2 PICC lines....double-lung transplant has never been in my vocabulary.....by all CF standards I am completely abnormal....yet, recently, with the harsh year I've had in regards to being sick....I've quickly realized this may not always be the case. I've realized that my reality may one day be my history, my "used to", and I cant let that happen. I have too much to live for now. It's time to focus on me....so I can stay ahead of this disease.

It's wedding season

2010-07-14T23:10:00.003-04:00

I have talked several times about my love/hate relationship with face.book on this blog, and now that it's wedding season Im leaning more toward my hate state. Everytime I get on I see more pictures from weddings......acquaintances tying the knot, even people I had really good relationships with in high school, and then of course there are all the pictures of weddings that all of my acquaintances are going too.....yes blogland, love is in the air......BUT thats not the point of this post.

I started thinking about "the list"...you know, the wedding list, the invitation, the ticket in the door so to speak. Then I realize I have never made anyone's "list"....wow, apparently I suck that bad. And let me clarify that it's not like I expected too because I dont really keep up with anyone from my past, but still. Maybe it amazes me more how many people DO keep up with (apparently close enough to make "the list) a lot of people from our high school.....maybe it's small (pop 25,000) town thing. I was even on a sports team for 4 years with basically the same girls and nada.

However, in the six years Thomas and I have been together we have only been invited to 3 weddings.....my cousin's, Thomas' best friend, and my best friend since middle school, but we werent actually invited to the wedding because it was at the temple in Utah and we aren't LDS. Most of the people we work with are already married, and he never went to college so he doesnt have "college buddies". My experience in college was a bit untraditional so I never made "good friends" during those years. I graduated as fast as I could while living off campus and started in the workforce. I will say though, that now I am returning for a 2nd degree I have met several people who I consider "friends"...unfortunately, most of them are already married too......bummer.

Truthfully, none of this REALLY matters in the long run, but it sort of makes me feel lame and down on myself, even in my adulthood. It brings out the fact I never had a close group in high school or college. I was known by a lot of people, but didnt quite fit in all the way apparently. Like I said...it's wedding season on face.book and Im not invited....sad too, because I love weddings, haha.

The Round-Up

2010-07-07T22:58:00.003-04:00

Wow, if I would have waited another week it would have made a whopping 6 months since I said a word on here. There are a lot of reasons I havent had a voice in awhile, some are on hiatus right now, some are fixed, and others....well, they always linger in the background.

First, I just went through the most challenging semester of my life. Not that work was hard necessarily, but between my hours at school, clinical time, working (nights nonetheless), and trying to be a mom somewhere in there, I just couldnt give anymore of myself to anyone...hence the silence. Even writing, sharing....blogging...became another chore I was just not ready to undertake. My marriage took (another!) hard hit. Things are better and we are surviving, but because of many of the reasons listed above....it all just went downhill fast. I never slept, I would go days at a time and get a few hours of sleep....I was sick, very sick....still recovering from that and not back to 100% just yet. Our finances....well....let's just say we are still here, it's not a happy place, but we havent drowned yet....thanks to gracious gifts from family. However, the house is back on the market and we are keeping our fingers crossed. We still have money for gas and food....just can't get them on the same week.

But it's summer now, Im getting a break from school and spending my days with little man. Im thankful for getting this time with him because I know when the semester starts again, he wont get as much attention from me as I would like. However, I will say, I love the daycare we take him to, and its wonderful for him to get the social interaction.

I dont expect anyone to be reading this anymore, but I want to start writing again....for me...we shall see.

300!!

2010-01-18T20:48:00.003-05:00

Guess what? This is my 300th post on this blog (although technically I have 400 posts b/c I transfered my other blog to this one....but anyways). So for that I would like to give you the top 5 reasons my son needs a haircut....in no particular order, lol

A letter

2010-01-07T11:16:00.003-05:00

Dear Puffs,

You are welcome for being the snottiest, coughiest family on record for the past two months. I'm sure your sales are skyrocketing, even in these tough economic times. Remind me to buy in on your stock for next winter.

Sincerely,
The Major's

In true "me" fashion......

2010-01-02T20:33:00.006-05:00

Now that it's after New Year's I will post my Christmas pictures =P Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday, Christmas and New Years. Unfortunately I don't have any pictures of New Years Eve bc I was at work...and I'm pretty sure taking pictures of patients is a no no, haha. However, I have pictures of a trip we took this weekend to visit some of Thomas' relatives. I will post them as soon as I pull them off the camera.

Myself and my youngest niece
Family Picture at my Aunt's

The whole gang: Mom, Dad, Jodie, Freddie, Kim, Gwen, Carsen, Hannah, Elena, Myah, Cooper, Caiden, Thomas, Myself and Cullen

Chistmas afternoon at Thomas' parent's house

Cullen with Ann (Thomas' Mom)

Cullen and Grandparents

Getting ready to go out Christmas morning

Playing with presents

I like to call this one "Looking at all my loot"

Christmas at my parents......

Myself, my parents and my two brothers.

Mom and the grankids

Dad and the grandkids

Family pic. part II

Addictions

2009-12-23T21:51:00.002-05:00

I was nominated by Megan for the Mood Swings and Addictions award. Rules: post your 5 addictions and then nominate people....easy enough right? I would like to thank Megan for the opportunity to post more about myself ;-)

1.) Candy: Specifically twizzlers, starbursts and gummi worms or bears. Apparently it amazes my husband how much of these I can consume at times. When we were first dating we drove up to see his family in Richmond and on the way there we stopped at a gas station. I of course got a pack of starbursts. About 20 minutes later I laid my trash in the floor and Thomas goes "You finished ALL of those already?!?!" Nowadays he knows if he needs to "make-up" to me, surprise candy usually gets him back on the good side.

2.) TV Crime dramas: NCIS and Criminal Minds specifically....LOVE, LOVE, LOVE them. In another life I would love to be a part of the "BAU".

3.) Taking pictures of my son: Self-explanatory....honestly I can't get enough of the child right now.

4.) Japanese food...it's my favorite. Rice should be it's own food group in my opinion....yes I know it is part of a food group, but lets not get technical here, you know what I mean. In other words....I love rice....and all the yummy oriental flavors.

5.) Brushing my teeth: I simply cannot stand that "feeling" of dirty teeth. YUCK.

So, there ya go....and for my nominations I'm cheating a bit and opening it to everyone who wants to share a little more about themselves on their blog =)

Puke

2009-12-17T17:47:00.003-05:00

You know you are a mom when your child starts puking in the grocery store and you catch it all.....in your hands.

Needless to say, Cullen is a bit under the weather right now. =( I thought the reason he wasn't eating was b/c of his teeth since his molars are coming in, however it must be a little more than that. Let's hope it is a 24 hour bug. Thomas is stopping and getting some pedialyte on the way home from work....fighting the crazies none the less bc we are expecting about a foot of snow this weekend.

Oh, and on a good note...my final exam was today! Yippee! No more school until the middle of Jan. Now maybe I can get some christmas decorations up.......

There are good days too

2009-12-15T22:25:00.005-05:00

I miss me.

2009-12-10T22:34:00.002-05:00

I miss being a person with energy, I miss being the person who went to the gym 5 days a week, I miss being the person who didn't need coffee to simply function or who didn't fall asleep at stoplights, I miss a normal hour'd job, I miss making dinner, I miss my clean house...not that I miss cleaning it per say but I feel guilty for how it looks 80% of the time now, I miss the sparkle in my eye, I miss being a wife, I miss being healthy, did I mention I miss having energy.....it all seems to boil down to that.

I'm just not me....the me I know I can be, the me I remember. I've been worn-out since May and very worn out since August....I've been sick....sometimes I really worry about that, but I would never let Thomas know it. I've been checked out....on here, in life, just in general.

Maybe winter break from school will give me a chance to re-coup......

Thoughts and Prayers

2009-11-28T12:36:00.001-05:00

I'm not sure how many of you heard of this story. The Utah man who died after being stuck in a cave? Well, that man was my friend's husband. I would just please ask everyone to keep them in your thoughts and prayers. I ache so much for her.....she loved him so much. They had this type of love that you could just imagine them dancing the jig together at their 50th wedding anniversary. It was classic and timeless....she said she was lucky to have him, he was truly the love of her life. They have a little girl and another baby that is due in June. She is such a strong person, but this is simply tragic. Why does this always seem to happen to the best of people?

I have some more thoughts on this I will share a bit later, but for now....this post is about the death of a wonderful, godly man, a grieving wife and children who will never really know their father.

Then and Now

2009-11-18T20:58:00.007-05:00

As cliche as it might be, I must do this post....no wait, I take that back....I have the honor of doing this post

November 18th, 2008

November 18th, 2009

Happy Birthday my sweet baby boy. We love you with all our hearts!

I'll take the newborn please.

2009-11-17T21:07:00.003-05:00

Sleep.....glorious sleep, how I miss thee....

When Cullen was a baby and I was learning my way around this new mom stuff I didn't blog a lot about sleep (or potentially lack there of) because honestly it didn't seem that "bad" to me....at least not at first in the new stage....later on (around 4-6 months) I got burnt out but that was in related to other topics in my life at the moment. Yes, I was tired....but with Cullen, sleep was a pretty good issue, as in he would eat and then go right back to bed....so really I was never constantly tired. Then he started sleeping through the night around 12 weeks, so everything was good.

Let me just say, payback is a bitch I guess.

Like I mentioned before, I am now working nights.....7p to 7a, three days a week (weekends) and have school during the week....so sleep is now a HUGE issue for me. Let's just review my weekend up until now.....

~got up around 7am on Friday morning
~went to work that night around 6:15 and got home around 7:30am on Saturday morning
~slept from 8:30am to 10:30am
~ran errands
~went to bed around 10pm, got up at 7am Sunday
~spent the day with family
~went to work at 6:15pm Sunday
~Got home at 7:30 Monday morning
~slept from 8:30 to 1:30
~went back to work at 6:15 Monday night
~Got off at 7:30am today
~Class from 8 to 9:50
~Ran errands from 10 til 12:30
~slept from 1:30 to 3:30
~ran errands and picked up Cullen, dinner, and now it's about 9:30 at night

Let's tally this up.

Hours sleeping since Friday morning=18 hours
Total hours of time since Friday morning at 7am=110

But more than the lack of amount of sleep, when I sleep plays a role in everything too....I sleep random hours, and usually not solid...more like naps than a designated sleep time everyday.

And, the most ironic thing about all of this is part of my job is very similar to taking care of little ones....except imagine changing the diaper, and/or helping to the bathroom, and cleaning/washing a 130 to 200+ pound adult with limited mobility.

Trust me, I would take the new mom/new baby sleep patterns and exhaustion any day of the week.

Everything is different

2009-11-12T23:04:00.002-05:00

Ya know, I have been reading my archives a bit lately and realized how much this blog and my writing, which ultimately is proof that I myself, have changed....some good, some bad. When I started this blog two years ago (on October 23rd I believe), I was in a bad place with infertility and my miscarriage...BUT in all of that my writing was pretty freaking good. It was emotional, it was real, and reading back on my words I could remember exactly what I felt at that moment and remember things that were going on. Reading it is like having a conversation with myself, my own personal time capsule if you will. This blog was also a place for my mindless thoughts, my everyday life about the weather and work and my dogs, etc....so it wasn't all negative, but it was all very much me at that moment. A bit more outgoing maybe? A bit more in touch with friends (internet or otherwise)? A bit more included in the blogworld? There are many reasons for the change I've seen. Speaking of work, two years ago I was in a job I quickly discovered I disliked (THAT was evident in my writing too), but overall it paid the bills and I had a pretty lax schedule so I ended up staying another year and half, even after the birth of Cullen.

Continuing on, then came my pregnancy, in which I started a 2nd blog to document everything that happened which led to less frequent postings on this one. Maybe that is where it all started to go downhill. I tried so hard to shelter others who still belonged in the world I once associated with that quite frankly, boring was the word of the day. Then when Cullen actually arrived I simply didn't have the time to post and even though I was filled with emotion of everything that was going on, even when I could post, I didn't.....I'm not even sure why. Suddenly, everything was private...not in the true sense of the blogworld private, but in the sense I just didn't share and my blog took a bit of hiatus. During this time I started several drafts that were simply never finished. It's almost as I felt anything I had to say didn't really matter because myself, and others, were busy with more important things, I had no association anymore...or it just didn't sound right in the end, I couldn't get my thought across.....it sounded dry and fake. My writing itself, just, changed. Obviously this reflects a lot on my state of mind this past year. Ya know, every person I get to talk to about "my story", my life and what it represents with chance and CF and everything, they tell me I should write a book.....how the heck can I write a book when I can't even get past my standstill on my own blog?

So lets fast-forward until now.....it's been an interesting 6 or 7 months, and my blog doesn't reflect it in the very least. Is it because maybe I really didn't want to remember everything? Maybe I thought I didn't need writing to remember...or maybe I was just so overwhelmed that writing about everything seemed an impossible feat. My marriage...rocky for a bit, but I guess the good thing about that is once you break something down, you can build it back again in hopes of being better....we are good now, we ARE better. Better parents and better partners. My work....I quit the job I hated, partly forced but partly because it was what I needed. I didn't like the person I was becoming there. I found a new job, for much less money, but I do enjoy it, and ultimately it changed my career goal in life. Which brings me to aspect of school....I'm back in it, full time, in a nursing program on top of working night shift full time to bring in what little bit I can financially. Quite frankly there isn't a day that goes by I'm not exhausted. I sacrifice sleep to spend time with Thomas and the baby because I feel guilty of all the time I am away working, in school, and studying.

So, speaking of money and guilt, this is a huge cause of my somewhat of a personality change lately. Follow me here......I quit a job that paid the bills with even a *little* bit left for spending at the end of each month, this job allowed me to spend evenings and weekends with my family. I traded it for a job working nights (b/c I need the shift diff pay), making much less money (as in not enough to cover our bills), and leaves me exhausted on the days I don't work. Ultimately I made this job change because I wanted to go back to school....apparently one Bachelor of Science just isn't enough. School which will add more money to my student loans (although I am in a tuition program with my work....I still need the student loans for living expenses....less money, remember?), stress me out, and make me have even less time with my family. So I'm already guilty about the lack of hours in a week to get everything done (not to mention housework is really low on my totem pole of priorities), I'm also feeling guilty because my actions put my family in a financial bind. We put our house on the market and really need to move out to get a cheaper place (as in rent until Im done with school), unfortunately our house has been on the market for four months now and although we have had over 30 views and 3 open houses....nada. I figure once the holiday season kicked in, we were pretty much screwed until at least the beginning of 2010 if we didn't sell before November....well, guess what....it's November. While we were waiting on my student loan check to arrive, things were bad....as in, my mom had to buy me groceries because the only thing Thomas and I had to eat was rice and pb and j and I'm truly not exaggerating. However, let me make a statement here that Cullen NEVER went without......I spent what little money grocery money we had left on HIS food and HIS needs, ALL of them.....I just want to make that perfectly clear. My mom also gave her church tithing money to Thomas and I each week to help out.....without that money we wouldn't have made ends meet at all. That is how bad it got.

In my head, I know once school is over this will all be worth it....things will change, but do you see where my guilt lies? It makes me feel terrible, which affects my mood and my personality. I'm tired of still being in school, I'm tired of constantly being in limbo. Thomas and I have moved 3 times in five years and once we move out of this house, make that 4 times....plus moving OUT of a rental in about 2-3 years from now. I will admit....I'm jealous of those around my age who are settled in their house with their families and "normal" routines.....I'm ready for that, I should HAVE that by now....I did my duty, I went to college.....got my degree, went to work, saved money......but that wasnt enough, it isn't enough, so I have to fix it now. Guilt, guilt, guilt....it's constant....I feel like I need to scrub it off sometimes....my quest for improvement has some very obvious short term consequences.

But, that is that, and that is what is happening and has happened. We are not so patiently waiting for our house to sell, I spend most my nights focused on work and my days with school. I spend time with my family every minute I have the chance and usually don't sleep because of it. I'm always stressed and tired. Caffeine gets me through the day. Did I mention tired? I still have two more years left of this.

Maybe I will re-connect with others better, maybe I will find my voice more often.....I guess this is a start.

Not ready for the negative

2009-10-05T16:35:00.006-04:00

Since Im not ready to divulge the negative stuff that I have been going through since May, I am going to talk about the most positive thing I can imagine....Cullen! Plain and simple, my son has my heart. I'm just amazed at how much I love this little person who gets into everything and leaves my living room in constant disarray. His smile makes me laugh and tear up from overwhelming emotion, and he's just so funny and happy......and it's just amazing. He will be a year next month, and he's just learning so quickly. He's a super fast crawler, pulls up on anything he can, his depth perception is starting to kick in, he's standing on his own, loves to walk when you hold his hand, he loves to eat and try new foods (we have pretty much thrown out the food in a jar all together). He is already starting his vocab and not just babble with da-da, ma-ma, baahh (ball), buh (book), ba-ba(bottle), ju (juice), Biii (bite), bye-bye, na-na (my mom), pa-pa (my dad), and he will try to repeat anything you say to him....holy cow, my son is becoming a little person! I honestly just cannot say enough how much my little boy has changed everything, and I just wanted to share a few of my favorite pics from the recent month and trips we've been on.....

Real time

2009-09-26T13:07:00.000-04:00

Currently I am traveling on I-40 sending this from my blackberry. We are coming back from our beach vacation. This makes me very sad, seeing as I could easily live there.

Hopefully this week my check will arrive and I can get my new laptop and internet back at the house. Then maybe I will catch up(and keep up) on all of my blogger friends, and give the real truth as to what has been going on with me since May.

::sigh:: If I close my eyes I can still see the ocean.

Dear Anon

2009-08-16T20:03:00.000-04:00

If you really felt true about what you said, you wouldn't be anon now would you? I love how people can read one post out of someone's life and assume they know the whole story and THEN feel so compeled to comment but yet hide behind the wonderful "anon".

I'm not on this thing enough anymore to give long stories but for everyones information, giving my dogs away was responsible at the time bc they wernt getting everything they needed in our current situation. It just so happens that they found loving homes, and yes I still miss them like crazy. In fact, the moment we realized our situation had changed we went back to get our dogs. And yes, we did get another dog about 2 months later. It wasn't exactly a planned thing but we happened to be in the right place, right time to save her from euthinasia so we did. I would have LOVED to get my dogs back or better yet not be put in the situation where I had to make the choice in the first place.

There anon, do you feel better for my dogs and my "responsibility" to them now that you have gotten out your daily dose of judgement against others?

Summing it up

2009-07-02T02:27:00.002-04:00

Sorry for the lack of communication....still no decent internet connection at home AND my laptop has officially died but here will sum up my life the past month or so....

Starting school in the fall, quit job, thought we were moving, went apartment hunting, gave dogs to SPCA, new job=lots of training, decided we can keep house with money from student loans, got a new dog b/c ours were already adopted out, received a buttload of medical bills including my delivery for Cullen (after 6 months!), 12 hour shifts, it's 2:30 am and I am sitting at work with 5 hours left to go, bearly making it paycheck to paycheck, Cullen is growing like a weed, miss him and my husband like crazy over the days I work, new job is making me rethink my career choice.....

WHEW!

It came and went.....

2009-06-05T17:37:00.003-04:00

and because things are so crazy I didn't even think about it that day. June 2nd was my due date for the twins. Happy 1st Birthday babies. Mommy and Daddy still think about you and we love your brother fiercely. Thank you for watching over him.

Oh yeah.....

2009-05-27T17:23:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was CD1. Yeah, it sucks......definitely worse than my PP bleeding. Also, posts may be few and far between for a month or so.....we are suffering from lack of secure internet at the moment. Will update about crazy busy schedule when I can.

Wordless Wednesday....Outdoor Boy!

2009-05-20T14:48:00.004-04:00

A half a year later

2009-05-18T14:50:00.005-04:00

I've been a bit slow on the blogging lately. No real reason that I feel like sharing right now, but I didn't blog about Thomas and I's anniversary (May 7th) or do a big Mothers Day post even though it was my true first. However, I am posting about this tidbit because it just just blows my mind: My son is 6 months old today!!!

Seriously, has it been 6 months? Has he really grown from this:

To this:

And at 6 months he can and does:

~Coo, babble, scream, smile and belly laugh (which he does all the time)
~Roll over both ways and subsequently all around the room.
~Sit up (a long time with assistance, a few minutes without)
~Purposely chose the toys he wants to play with
~Get upset when Baby Einstein ends
~One word....Teething
~Loves food. So far we have done cereal, peas, carrots, squash, apples and bananas (peas and banana's are the fav. so far)
~Loves bathtime
~And of course, prefers to be with Mom and Dad.

I love this time with him, watching him explore the world and learn each and every day. Happy half birthday sweet boy.

A mother's love is...

2009-05-11T15:38:00.004-04:00

being attached to a moo cow machine at least 2 times a day.

being attached to a baby 2-6 times a day depending on the day.

being attached to IV meds twice a day. See....

I'm sorry for the silence lately, but as you can see above I've been sick. My doctor was going to put me on oral Cipro but because I'm still BFing, that was a no-no. My other option was IV meds that were compatible with it...guess which one I chose. Yeah, that beautiful thing gets to stay in my arm for 14 straight...only 9 to go...woo-hoo!!

Infertility Insight

2009-05-04T22:36:00.002-04:00

Since I'm leaving (well, more like being squeezed out, but leaving sounds so much better doesn't it?) my job I've interviewed with my old employment, Applebees, and I have another interview as a CNA this Wednesday. Well, today the manager from Applebees called back to make sure I still wanted to work there (actually I want the other job, but I wasn't going to turn down a sure thing until I found out about this new position) so I said yes. She said to call her back closer to my start date (May 18th) and we will get everything set up. Then she told me to have a happy Mothers Day (because we talked about my son during the first meeting) and I told her "Thank you, you too".

As soon as I said it my brain went "oh no!". What if she wasn't a mother? I know she was married, but what if she was infertile, come to think of it she never mentioned children....what if she was forced to make the decision to live child-free? What if she was in the 2WW? I immediately felt bad for reciprocating the Mother's Day wishes. At first I thought "how could I forget so quickly how much those words can hurt?", but then I realized maybe the simple fact that I DID instantly wonder, instantly second guess that statement, means I didn't forget at all.

Funny the insight that infertility, present or past, can give you about common everyday interactions.

A bit jealous

2009-04-30T16:16:00.002-04:00

OK, I may have to put a disclaimer here before starting my real post because I want to clear up a few things before everyone has a chance to ask or get all pissy about.

1.) I LOVE my co-worker that I am getting ready to talk about. She reminds me a lot of my Mom and if I could have chosen anyone to be my MIL, she would be it.

2.) I HATE, HATE, HATE she has had to go through this.

3.) I have been with her through the whole ordeal, willingly taken part in everything that has been given (including a large, homemade gift basket just from me), and I think she deserves every bit of it.

4.) And lastly, no I do not think finding out you have cancer and having surgery for it is the same as a planned C-section.

That being said, I'm a little miffed. Miffed at the fact I didn't get ANYTHING from my co-workers when I had my surgery and delivered Cullen. Well, I take that back, I did receive the standard bouquet of flowers my employment gives out for occasions such as that but that wasn't through my department, it was through a committee. Now see, back in November when I left, I didn't ~expect~ anything because well, that was more common than not. I got a phone call three times the entire time I was out (and even those had work related motives) and a few emails from the aforementioned co-worker to truly just check on me and Cullen around the 1 month mark(which I thought was really sweet). All in all, fine, that was cool because I didn't know otherwise.

Then, my co-worker left this Monday to have her surgery on Tuesday. She opted for a double mastectomy even though there was only a small mass in one breast. Her choice to be better safe than sorry, and since her lymph nodes were clear (Thank God!) she gets to skip the chemo or radiation portion unless something comes back. She is by all accounts, healthy....and the reason she was so shocked about all of this is because she always was and IS healthy and vibrant! But anyways, back to my point..... Yes, I realize this is a LIFE CHANGING SURGERY, but based on surgery status alone, I had surgery too AND stayed in the hospital longer! So, because of this my department (and other surrounding departments) have showered her with calls and cards and several bouquets of flowers (again, don't forget to read the top part of this where I say she totally deserves it and I am in no way saying she was lucky to get cancer). In addition to that, another co-worker suggested we make food to bring her b/c recovering from surgery is hard and no one feels like cooking afterwards (um, yes, seems I remember doing this not to long ago with a new little person who could care less if Mommy was tired or sore or hungry or thirsty). My boss even offered to go CLEAN HER HOUSE so she could rest up from surgery and not have to worry about it. Then when word got around we would be taking food over there, other departments pitched in and are sending drinks and snacks as well.

And now my confession which makes me feel like a total douche, but in the midst of coordinating all this the tiny thought creeped into my head of "why didn't my department offer to do this, or even a quarter of this, for me with MY surgery?". Yes, I was well taken care of by my family after having Cullen....I certainly got a lot of food (not to mention it was holiday season) and my Mom did and would have done anything I asked...but that isn't the point. The point is I did have surgery and spent 4 days in the hospital, I was out for 9 weeks, and if it is the thought that really counts....I'm feeling a bit jealous and confused of how little I was thought about in that aspect. Of course I'm gonna get over it (I mean, really, it doesn't ~actually~ matter at this point), but it is just interesting to see the differences as they are unfolding, and no I will never, ever, ever tell her I thought about this and NOTHING is directed toward her, and yes, it does make me feel better to get it out ;-)

On a bit of a brigter note...

2009-04-30T09:31:00.001-04:00

I made homemade soft pretzels last night. They were very yummy and only took about 2 hours from mixing to eating =D

The day that shook the blogworld

2009-04-29T22:46:00.003-04:00

I'm sure everyone now has heard of Shana and her sweet little boy Thalon, and as it turns out this tragic story is probably the result of SIDS. My heart simply bleeds for this family and I haven't been able to read any of her posts without crying before getting to the end. Since all of this has been going on I also sleep more restlessly. I find myself staying up later just so I can hear the baby monitor more clearly because I think if something happens I'll "catch" it, I check on Cullen countless times between the time I lay him down and the time I finally go to sleep, I check on him in the middle of the night for no reason simply because I can't sleep, I've put his sleeping wedge back in his crib so he won't roll over which is loves to do nowadays.....once he hit 3 months and moved into his crib I worried less about SIDS and now the fear has creeped back him. I worry when he doesn't make any noise at night and I worry when he does because I know he is changing positions. I know this feeling will eventually fade again, but in lieu of everything, it's back.

Coming up for air

2009-04-29T15:57:00.003-04:00

Sorry for the lack of posting lately (and I had gotten so good at it again!) but this past week has been one for the books. In a nutshell, I...

~Turned in my 30 day notice and my last day of work here is May 15th (detailed post to follow)
~Interviewed for my old waitressing job...got the position. Even though it isnt' what I want to do right now a paycheck is a paycheck.
~Had some minor family drama.
~Took my dogs the SPCA (another post to follow).
~Started cleaning my house to put on the market(big ol' thanks to my mom right here)
~Been ridiculously pissy with my self-proclaimed lazy husband who needs to just get over himself.
~Pulled off my parents 25th wedding anniversary surprise party.
~Got another job interview for next week for a position I would much rather have (3, 12 hour shifts a week=more time with baby)

Whew....

Simple request

2009-04-21T21:54:00.002-04:00

I was going to blog about the crazy stuff that has been going on with me lately(which I will do later), but today I had a friend receive some terrible news. She had to have a biopsy this morning of a mass on her breast and it came back malignant. She has breast cancer and is now facing a double mastectomy.

If you could, please sent some positive thoughts her way.

MmMmm....Cereal

2009-04-18T18:45:00.003-04:00

All in all, cereal was a hit =)

Why? Trigs below

2009-04-16T16:35:00.005-04:00

The infertility, loss and adoption blogworld is one of great complexity, and other than being a part of it, I am drawn to it for reasons I can't exactly explain. Of course I am sad and angry when cycles don't work out for those I "know", but the losses, oh the losses....they are like black clouds. Sometimes you see them coming, sometimes you don't, but you can never get away. I am strangely fascinated, well maybe fascinated is the wrong word... I'm not even sure I KNOW the word to use, to the losses. The point is, I read them, I hurt for that mommy or daddy, I hurt for that baby who was so loved, they make me sad, they make me cry, but yet I keep reading. Why?

A lot of times I don't even comment because sorry just seems so empty, but I do pray for those people and families, and I just can't seem to stop reading. I think back to my loss, which happened so early but hurt so much, and my heart can't even begin to imagine the pain of losing something so precious later on....after the first trimester, stillbirth, full term accidents, infants, babies and children. And then I think that maybe I hurt so much BECAUSE I have tasted a small loss, but even through empathy that physically makes my insides ache, I still read. It makes me want to run to Cullen and squeeze him, and kiss him and smother him with love, and at the same time it makes me feel guilty that I can do that, and it brings a whole new dimension to the IFers "survivors guilt". There is some irony in the fact things like this hurt, but make me feel blessed; however I hate that my self gratitude is at the expense of such a terrible thing. Would these people understand my feeling and appreciate that I understand my precious gift, or be angry I still have it? Maybe both? But that isn't why I read them. I have such an incredible reverence and respect for these women and families. I am in awe of them....in awe of their strength. Sometimes when I'm reading something particularly sad I have to walk away because it just becomes too much to bear right then.....I hate there are those who don't have that option and for that I am truly sorry.

I'm not exactly sure how to end this post, maybe there isn't an end, it's just that there has been so much loss lately and this has been on my mind. It probably doesn't make much sense....at least I know what I meant to say.

FYI

2009-04-15T09:37:00.002-04:00

If anyone lives in or around the Roanoke, VA area I just wanted to let you know there is a free seminar about IF and IVF that is going to take place on April 25th. The session is open to the public and there will be a free basic IVF cycle given away during the seminar. You can find more details about it here.

Easter pictures

2009-04-14T17:52:00.004-04:00

Cullen and my Mom

The cousins (from left to right, up and down): Kevin, my brother Freddie, Dawn, Me, My brother Jodie, Peggy, Brittany and Larry. We are missing Jeff and Kim to make the picture complete.
My dad and Cullen
The 2nd cousins (otherwise known as great-grandchildren-again left to right): Cameron, Shanley holding Lucas, Jessica holding Caiden, Grant, Carsen holding Cooper, Hannah holding Cullen and Bri. We are missing Elena, Myah, Aaron Bailey and Taylor.
A family of Four generations: My grandmother in the middle, My dad holding his grandson Cullen, my Aunt holding her grandson Tanner, Myself and my Cousin.
Kristen and Tanner, Cullen and Me.

And then there were 7

2009-04-13T09:09:00.003-04:00

I would like to welcome the newest addition to my immediate family into this world. My SIL gave birth to her 3rd girl, Myah Cameryn, on Friday =). She is a tiny little thing...6 lbs, 6oz...but very cute. And for those who don't know...this makes my parents grandparents for the 7th time...5 of those in the past 2.5 years. Um yeah, needless to say Christmas will be hectic and we are done growing for awhile =).

Formula update and thanks

2009-04-10T11:46:00.002-04:00

First of all, I want to thank everyone for their comments on the bath pics =) Oh, and Julie, the boppy looking thing you see in the sink is this. It is a cushioned seat. A few weeks ago Cullen just got too big for his EZ bather thing but was still too little for a hard bath chair(I never used an official baby bathtub for him, I HATED it...anyways)...I found the cushioned one and it's perfect. He can sit up if he wants, but also lay back without his head going under the water...these days he prefers to sit.

Secondly the formula thing went OK, but not great. The sitter said he really didnt like his first bottle and kept making faces but she divided it into 2, 3 oz bottles and by 9:30 he eventually drank it all. Then he ate his second bottle almost 5 hours later (his normal is 3-4 hours in between meals), but she said he was probably so hungry he didn't care. Then he completely cut out his 3rd bottle and waited for me to get off work....yeah, my baby likes the boob. We are going to try again with the formula mixture (a 5:1 breastmilk to formula ratio) today and see what happens.

Also, I have a question since I am new to this formula thing. I know that the can says to use within 24 hours of mixing (the whole not sterile thing), but if I am mixing it with so much breastmilk can I make it, combine it, put it in my bags and freeze it within 24 hours just like I have been doing with the breastmilk? Then unthaw it as needed and it still be good? All the information I can find says it doesn't affect nutritional quality but may cause separation of the products; however I believe this is assumed it is purely mixed with water. I mean, even breastmilk separates...but once it is heated it goes back to normal. Thoughts?

Bath pics!

2009-04-09T19:46:00.002-04:00

Formula

2009-04-09T08:34:00.002-04:00

I introduced formula to Cullen for the first time today. Well technically it isn't his FIRST time with it because we had to give him a bit of formula in addition to nursing in the first 24 hours after birth because of blood sugar issues (a side effect of my GD), but since then he has been strictly boobie juice. As it stands right now since he upped his ounces, I'm only about one day ahead of what he needs for the babysitter as far as stored milk goes so I want to build that back up. Plus, Thomas and I are thinking about getting away for our anniversary in about a month and I will need to have at least a 2 day supply for whomever (ei-my mom) is keeping him. So, in order to do this (because I am already pumping like crazy) I am going to start mixing in a little bit (an ounce or two) of soy formula for each bottle he gets at the sitters but still keep pumping my same amount and nursing him in the morning and night. That way, each day I will be able to store one bottle more than just enough to give him the next day.

Also, I was going to introduce cereal to him this weekend, but seeing as we just started this routine with the formula I don't want to overload his little digestive system so we will probably see how well he tolerates the soy stuff (I chose soy because he always had really bad gas whenever I would eat a lot of dairy) and then do the rice cereal thing NEXT weekend which also just so happens to be his 5 month old birthday (HOLY CRAP!!).

Coming up tomorrow....adorable bath pictures! =)

Introducing....

2009-04-03T14:12:00.002-04:00

My friend Jenn delivered her beautiful baby girl...Caiden Lily. Welcome to the world little one....you have one great Momma!

Hi Mom! ::waves::

2009-04-02T09:02:00.003-04:00

It is quite possible that my Mom will now start reading this blog because last night I wanted to show her the video of Cullen eating his toes and gave her this link to see it. However, I'm not sure she knew exactly what this page WAS at first, but once she figures it out and realizes it's a nice way to keep up with, I may have a new reader, lol.

So, welcome Mom...it's sort of like my diary around this place although stuff here should be nothing new to you because I talk about it in real life too. =)

Just because

2009-03-29T18:54:00.002-04:00

1. My exes...are my exes for a reason, but I do wish them well.
2. Maybe I should...pay off my credit card.
3. I love...my son and my husband for father he became the day Cullen was born.
4. People would say that...I am very accomplished for my age.
5. I don't understand...child abuse.
6. When I wake up in the morning…I look forward to coffee
7. I have lost...my mind most of the time
8. Life is full of...decisions
9. My past taught me...how to be grateful, the beauty of nature and the importance of budget.
10. I get annoyed when...my husband talks politics
11. Parties are...fun, but not something I do much of anymore.
12. I wish...I didn't have to worry so much
13. Dogs...are a lot of responsibility.
14. Cats...are something my husband likes.
15. Tomorrow is...the start of another work week.
16. I have a low tolerance for...people with no common sense and stupid drivers
17. If I had a million dollars...I would be less stressed
18. I'm totally terrified of...something happening to Cullen
19. I've come to realize that my last kiss...can always be better.
20. I am listening to...the hum of the dishwasher
21. I talk...a lot and to myself in the car.
22. My best friends...are few and far between.
23. My first real kiss...was picture perfect, honestly.
24. Love is...something that needs to be nurtured.
25. Marriage is...hard work, but rewarding in the end.
26. Somewhere, someone is thinking...is it 5 o'clock yet?
27. I'll always...be my children's mothers.
28. The last time I really cried was because...actually, I have no idea.
29. My cell phone is...changing in 3 days.
30. Before I go to bed...I check on my son one last time and say thank you to the man upstairs.
31. Right now I am thinking about...the change my life is about to take.
32. Babies are...pure bliss
33. Today I...cleaned the house.
34. Tomorrow I will be...fed-up with work again.
35. I really want to be...a better version of myself.

Yummy toes!

2009-03-26T05:37:00.004-04:00

Oh, but before I show this....Cullen rolled completely over on Tuesday =D. For the past week he has been like 7/8 of the way there, but his shoulder was stuck so he was technically on his belly, but still. He apparently fixed that problem two days ago because he can go from back to tummy in 2 seconds flat now; however he has yet to fully complete the tummy to back....we are about 3/4 of the way there with that, lol.

Oh, and by the way, I completely stole the video thing from Nancy, who by the way will be getting some potentially very scary test results back tomorrow if you could send some good thoughts her way.

Anyways, without further adieu....

Wordless Wednesday

2009-03-25T19:16:00.003-04:00

Random fact

2009-03-24T14:08:00.003-04:00

Well, more like a random bit of information about me....

I LOVE drinking coffee, but I hate the actual taste of plain coffee. See, basically I've decided that coffee is just a vector for my flavored cream and sugar (well, splenda) in the morning...yummy! So because I like said cream SO much I have to have STRONG coffee to counterbalance my love in order to prevent drinking "white" coffee (otherwise known as a latte, which I only like iced, not hot). Weak coffee makes me gag because it isn't "coffee-y" enough.

I am officially a coffee loving, coffee taste hating, strong coffee drinking, flavored cream loving gal =D

Camera hater and heaven on a spoon

2009-03-23T20:38:00.002-04:00

Why does my child hate the camera so much? His smiles and laughs are the cutest and I can't share them with anyone. For example, Thomas had Cullen laughing out loud today....I mean, he was completely cracking up with a huge grin. However, as soon as I get the camera out to document this event he goes straight faced. One of these days I will catch his oh so handsome grins =)

In other news, have you ever tried this? It's Ciao Bella sorbetto (I've never had the gelato), but I swear it is heaven on a spoon. My favorite ones SO FAR (although I am sure I will enjoy them all) are the blood orange and blackberry cabernet with actual wine in it. YUM!

Baby gear and parenting.

2009-03-19T12:20:00.003-04:00

So, as everyone knows...babies have A LOT of stuff. Granted, there is A LOT of stuff out there that you DON'T need, but none the less there is still a good amount of the stuff you do. Specifically things like carseats, strollers, and diaper bags.....basically all the "get up and go" gear. And all of this baby gear got me thinking yesterday and I want to pose a question to everyone out there.

Do you, knowingly or subconsciously, make an assumption about a parent's (the Moms specifically) overall parenting ability/capability by how easily they are able to carry around/juggle the baby gear in public?

Let me explain.....I am short, 5'1 to be exact and weigh all of 115lbs right now, so I am what most people consider "petite". I cannot wear pants unless they are specifically made "short", and I can easily find shoes in youth department....oh, and capri's...don't even get me started there, lol. It took me a very long time to find a stroller that suited my needs (as most of the handles were boob level on me....hip hip hooray for adjustable ones like on my Graco Metrolite), and wasn't too heavy or big because I wouldn't be able to easily lift it in and out of my car. Then there is the infant seat which I didn't think would be THAT different from model to model....oh how wrong I was. Apparently the seat WE got has a longer handle than most...yes, odd I know, but I have compared mine to several other Graco models. So, the combination of my shortness and the length of the handle usually makes me for a very awkward situation for me, and let's face it, Cullen isn't getting any smaller.

Let me paint a picture. When I pick the carseat up (straight armed) and stand up straight the bottom of the seat is MAYBE 4-5 inches off the ground. When I put it into the crook of my arm to hold it, the bottom is just a hair above my knees. This, as you can imagine, severely throws off my center of gravity, then you throw in the diaper bag and anything else and I'm a down right mess at times when I am toting him around because (and I admit) I don't look steady on my feet (hell, most of the time I'm not!). Also, just as a side note...we ARE looking for a new seat that better suits my needs, but anyways. Also, you can forget me putting his seat onto a shopping cart because I can't see around it OR over it. I look like I am 12 years old pushing around my baby brother. So...now do you get the picture to answer the question?

When you see me (or any mother like me) toting around my baby like this...awkward, seemingly unsteady, and in the case of the shopping cart...downright undoable....would you make an assumption about my parenting? Such as...."aww, poor thing" or "wow, she seems unsure" or anything of the sort. Would your opinion of someone with the EXACT same baby gear change if they were taller (which usually makes them appear older too) and seemed to do everything with ease?

Just Thursday food for thought.

Wordless Wednesday....4 months!

2009-03-18T09:12:00.004-04:00

Wow!

2009-03-17T15:57:00.003-04:00

There have been a lot of surprise BFP's in IF blogger world in the past week or so (and because I'm lame, I am just getting around to seeing them). So, congrats and good luck to everyone!

Also, as a sidenote here, speaking of babies....today would have been my 1 year blogoversary (um, did I spell that right?) for my pregnancy blog (although I stopped posting on it about a week after Cullen was born). So happy pseudo-blogoversary to me, lol =)

One year ago today (trigs)

2009-03-16T08:36:00.008-04:00

One year ago today I put my final hope on a pee stick. One year ago today my FF chart looked like this. One year ago today I got my first faint BFP with Cullen; it was a Sunday and I was 9dpIUI. That beautiful line will be 4 months old this Wednesday.

This was only a dream one year ago today.....

Sometimes

2009-03-15T17:52:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I wish.....

....that I wasn't an emotional eater.
....that I could play the piano like my dad and grandfather.
....that I liked my house more.
....that I didn't have to move again despite not liking my house.
....that I hadn't taken time off to work between degrees.
....that I loved to exercise like I used to.
....that I didn't get so frustrated at my dogs.
....that I didn't have to get rid of my dogs despite them driving me crazy.
....that I didn't have to work.
....that I was sure of my purpose.

The minipill

2009-03-10T21:49:00.002-04:00

Anyone out there in blogland on the minipill? Do you have any s/e from it? Like...affects on your libido perhaps? Because, I am having a HUGE issue with that now. Yes, I know that BFing mothers often have issues in that department, but this is more than a physical thing (I'm certainly not afraid to use lube when needed); it is a huge emotional libido thing.....it's not that I can't do it, it's that I dont WANT to do it. I'm not ashamed of my post baby bod, I'm not overly tired and Cullen is sleeping soundly through the night, so it's none of that. I can't think of anything else that might be causing it but my birth control. Before I started this pill, Thomas and I had sex (yes, we used back up AND it was GOOD sex) and this is my 3rd month on the minipill (Errin to be exact) and I can't even kiss him it is that low.....seriously, something has to be done.

Suggestions? Thoughts?

On the fence

2009-03-09T12:27:00.002-04:00

I think I am a bit on the fence about this article (warning, it, as well as my discussion is spewing with motherhood, pregnancy, and even a bit IF related related material). I definitely think there is a time and a place for this sort of chit-chat, but I think this author may be a bit extreme. For those who read it, do you think it depends on what type of work environment you engage in? The type of people there? Are lunch hours and break time excluded? Or is this simply the truth in ALL situations?

For example, I work at a college with a lot of mother colleagues and on lunch we will occasionally tell stories of how our kids are doing or swap advice on this subject or that. We are not forcing anyone to join our conversation, but does simply the fact we talk about it at all make us one of THOSE people? Also, even in the short time Cullen has been here I have noticed it does, undoubtedly, affect my work, especially in time. Such as, I used to always stay after 5 to finish up any strings for the day (now, luckily my strings don't affect anyone else immediately, so maybe my situation is a bit different), BUT now I have to leave right at 5 to get him from the babysitters because it takes me 30 minutes to get there.....or if he is sick (as he was last week) I have to stay off because I couldn't take him to daycare, and although I still got all of my work done for the week and I was using MY time...does it make me a worse employee than someone without children?

Now, I will say the CEO in question was a bit rude for keeping everyone waiting in THIS situation and a simple "Sorry for running a bit behind" would have sufficed AND you certain use an air of caution (as in not talking about it ALL the time-that is what blogs are for-lol or on a serious note, if you know someone is dealing with IF); however is talking (or asking) about children AT ALL a double standard? If children fill up a lot of your free time, then why can't you talk about it if questions like "how did your weekend go?" or "what did you do Friday?" arise. Is it true that singles or people without children (intentionally or otherwise) can talk about their exciting weekends of traveling or entertaining or even working at home and it is acceptable, but one mention of Billy's soccer game or Sally's dance recital send people running thinking you are a blubbering, less respected idiot?

Although I agree parents should have a life separate from their children AND it is important to keep your other life accomplishments in the spotlight as being "who you are" AND that it is more appropriate to say that "children are the best thing that ever happened to me" instead of "children are the best thing I've ever done", is the rest of this article on point?

Thoughts?

Guess what!

2009-03-09T09:45:00.002-04:00

I got my acceptance letter for my MS program this weekend =). As of Aug. 18th, I will officially be a full time master's student (oh, and employee, Mom and wife....umm, yeah). I just have to keep telling myself this will all be worth it in about 2.5 years =).

It's snowing....

2009-03-01T14:21:00.002-05:00

Like an honest to God, steady snow. Welcome to winter in Virginia....as soon as March rolls around, so does the precipitation. The biggest snowstorm on record happened March 15, 1993....not that this is ANYTHING like that, we are only supposed to get 2-4 inches today, BUT it's so classic.

Whew....

2009-02-27T13:28:00.001-05:00

My interview for my MS program was today, and it went really well. It was actually very laid back....now I just wait about 10 days to see if I made it in =)

Cullen is sick

2009-02-24T15:58:00.002-05:00

Like full blown head cold with a fever (highest 101.2 rectally) sick....poor baby. He's had a cold before, but this was the first time I felt the need to take him to the doctor to rule out anything more serious because he's also had tummy problems (as in diarrhea) since Saturday. Turns out the stomach issues are probably just a coincidence and most likely something I ate that didn't agree with him(which is what we thought to begin with until the fever and runny nose/eyes came into play), but because he IS still so small I'm glad I went the "better safe than sorry" route.

Anyways, the routine is the same.....tylenol every 4 hours for fever or discomfort, watch and make sure things don't get worse like moving into his chest, steam or a humidifier for nasal stuffiness (which surprisingly he doesn't have a lot of), keep him home (ie-no babysitter) for 24 hours and of course lots of love from mommy ;-)

My little man

2009-02-18T08:13:00.006-05:00

Cullen is officially 3 months old today....good lord, where has the time gone? So in lieu of this "milestone" I leave you with some recent pictures....

Sleepy boy...

Wide-eyed boy...

OK, here it goes.....

2009-02-15T16:03:00.003-05:00

In the past week, Thomas and I have....

~Viewed a house for sale in my parents neighborhood
~Talked to 3 mortgage companies about loans they are currently offering
~Got pre-approved for a 203KS loan (basically a construction loan)
~Created and signed a contract for above mentioned home
~Set up a meeting with the realtor to put our house on the market.

That was as of Friday....then by a weird twist of fate on Saturday, my mom was coming over to watch the baby while Thomas and I cleaned out the basement in order to start getting the house market ready, but she ran into an old family friend who's daughter used to be my hairdresser (she did the best colors in town AND my look for my wedding...anyways). My mom mentioned that we were selling our house, and it just so happens that the daughter and her girlfriend (who live about 2 minutes from here in a rental townhome) just started looking for a house to buy in the area. So, she called her daughter and her and her girlfriend came over to look at the house. Basically they love it, we are asking the lowest price around here, and they are going to the mortgage company to get their pre-approval on tuesday when the banks open back up. All of this happend before the realtor called to put our house on the market.

So, if they do definitely want the house (and get the loan), we are going to list it as a FSBO since WE technically sold the house without the realtor getting involved, and just pay him a flat fee (I think it is 2% in VA) to handle the legal part of things such as a contract and dealing with the lawyer verses the 6% to have him actually list the house in the MLS system. Plus, this gives me the availability to accept a little lower price from a friend because I will still net the same amount without the agent cut coming into play.

Still breathing....

2009-02-13T08:15:00.000-05:00

Strange, busy week....more details to come.

It's a boy! correction

2009-02-08T08:57:00.004-05:00

Well, we have a new boy in the family. My SIL went into labor on Thursday and had Caiden Blue at 11:59pm that night. They had to take him back to the hospital today because he was pretty jaundice. So they are probably going to put him under the lights for a few days, but other than that mom and baby are doing well (although Mom is a bit sleep deprived considering she said he slept all of 25 minutes last night!!...holy jesus)

**His name is Caiden Bleu, like the cheese, not color.

Picture mania

2009-02-04T06:57:00.005-05:00

"Oh no, here's that thing again"

"Yes, yes, that's enough"

"OK Mom, I said no more pictures"

"Hmm, maybe if I pretend she isn't there...."

"Pbbtt on you I say!"

"OK, OK, if you insist...a smirk it is"

Still searching

2009-02-03T14:13:00.003-05:00

I have another appt. with a potential care giver for Cullen this weekend. So far after talking with her on the phone I have a pretty good feeling about it, so we shall see. She is CPR certified ( one of my questions off the "list") and licensed by the state so that is definitely a plus. She also provides an educational curriculum (once they are older), and she does "bible school" like activities with them (which is important to Thomas and I as well since we are getting back into church). Anyways...I shall let you know how it goes! =)

What do you smell like?

2009-01-30T16:15:00.002-05:00

Since returning to work I have noticed many things, but one thing that sticks out is how much you can smell other people throughout the day. I'm not talking about stinky smells (although this may be the case for some) but the smell of someone's perfume or shampoo/lotion or the food or coffee they are carrying. Because I'm back and forth between the 7th floor a lot now (it's where our pump room is), I notice that every time I get on the elevator it smells different. I've also noticed that some people have the same smell everyday....like the same perfume for example. Then I started to realize how *little* I smell, lol. I mean I wear scented deodorant so I get a hint of that every now and then, but when it comes to MY smell, as in pass me in the hall and notice a fragrance, I don't really have one. My shampoo doesn't smell like anything, I don't use perfume or body splashes, and my lotion is usually something bland like oatmeal or almond butter, plus we've already established I do use deodorant, so hopefully we can rule the stinky smells out too, lol.

Anyways, this leads me into my question for the day. Do you people out there in blogger world have a certain smell you use everyday? If so, what? Specifics please....like exact name and place, for example "warm vanilla sugar from bath and body works".

Also, do you like to smell other people? When you get on an elevator and it's overwelmed with scent (again, hopefully good), do you go "wow, that smells nice" or "at least it doesn't stink in here" or are you part of the crowd that thinks "jeez, overkill"?

Back on track!

2009-01-28T15:39:00.003-05:00

Ahh...today I am feeling much better (although yesterday I was honestly worried about having meningitis-more on that later) AND I actually ate dinner last night. Like real food....it was the first time since Sunday and it was amazing, lol. I have a few posts brewing in my head, but right now I must go to the all important work meeting.

Sick....

2009-01-26T20:09:00.003-05:00

BOTH Thomas and I were sick today....yeah, vomiting, fever, chills. Needless to say we sent little man to the babysitters to get him out of the house and away from it all** (plus there is no way I could take care of him, I bearly had enough strength to stand up). He is fussy (has been since yesterday) but no fever, so as long as he is still eating and staying hydrated I think he is going to be OK even though I do think his tummy hurts a little bit. Thomas and I spent the day drifting in and out of sleep (more sleeping than not). He's eaten nothing all day and I managed to get down some rice for dinner just now(I got sick about 8 hours before him so I am feeling "better" before him) after over 24 hours of crackers, but I am just praying it actually stays down. Right now it's debatable....

**For the record, I would have kept him here to BF because I know it is important to BF while you are sick so baby gets anti-bodies (luckily I BF'd all day yesterday even after my fever kicked in around 7 last night so it did benefit him), but with Thomas so sick too we just couldn't do it.

Big changes

2009-01-23T14:30:00.003-05:00

There are big changes going on my department right now. The official meeting is next week, but I already know the news....my boss is no longer my boss (thank god!), and a guy we all like and respect is taking his place.

Oh, also....I finally completed my application packet (I was waiting on one recommendation) for my MS program. The next round of interviews is sometime in the middle of Feb., so if ya could....send a few good thoughts my way. I very much want this to happen.

About halfway through

2009-01-21T13:39:00.002-05:00

I'm about halfway through the day and I am making it so far. I called once this morning to check on him and learned that calling actually makes me *more* anxious because then I discover she is not doing things like ~I~ would....like letting my son sleep all morning instead of simply waking him up to play and eat. I told her that he sleeps when he's bored, so sometimes you actually have to interact with him to keep his interest and he doesn't cry when he's hungry so you have to watch the clock or for his hunger cues....so I called at 10 and when she told me he was still sleeping I told her to wake him up and feed him (his last meal was at 6:30 that morning)...he NEVER sleeps that long in the morning with me. One of my biggest fears was she was going to throw his sleeping off and he would sleep all day there and be up all night, which again he has NEVER done before....believe it or not, my child doesn't have his days and nights mixed up (potentially until now, and that makes one unhappy momma).

So....I've learned to just resist every urge to call back. I know she isn't harming him, and quite frankly learning exactly what she IS doing is stressing me out. Luckily though, my lab assistants-three wonderful woman who I love to work with-entertained me for about 2 hours this morning by just sitting around talking and catching up, which I greatly appreciate. Also, it does feel good to get out of the house all day since I have been inside most of the time with Cullen (it's so freaking cold lately) and that may play a little role in the fact I haven't actually cried (at least not at work), but regardless, I desperately wish it was 6 o'clock now (the time Thomas will get home from picking Cullen up).

Tomorrow is the day

2009-01-20T15:06:00.002-05:00

I am NOT ready, and I learned today my work has been hellacious for the past 2 weeks.....long story short, lots of lying and back stabbing from the higher-ups, my boss may be gone and the department is going through a shake up.....what a great thing to go back to on top of the fact I didn't like my job when I left.

I know that every mom who has to go back to work goes through this, and maybe it would be different if I was actually in my CAREER instead of simply a job to pay the bills, but my heart physically hurts simply thinking about leaving my baby. Maybe it was the struggle to conceive him, maybe it was because every doctor said I was lucky to even get pregnant or maybe it was his miracle birth, but I am NOT ready to do this. I feel like that part in "Look Who's Talking" when she is in the delivery room and tells the anesthesiologist to give her more drugs than most women because she thinks she is in more pain than most. As silly as that line is to me every time because duh, childbirth usually hurts...it describes perfectly my "emotional pain" right now.

Also, I am tired of hearing "it gets better" or "the first week is the worst", blah blah blah....the point is...I don't WANT it to get better. What I want is to stay at home with my child (at least until he is old enough to tell me if something is wrong when left with someone else all day. This is not an anti daycare-in home or not- post, in fact I think a good environment like that provides great social skills....I just dont want to send my helpless 9 week old baby there, and there really isn't a reliable day care facility in my hometown without paying 850 or more a month, which we can't afford). Anyways...what I want is to care for and play with my son during the day, I want to join a Mommy group and take him to the park when it warms up, I want to kiss his boo boos, I want to teach him to be independent but also know I will be there whenever he needs me and quite frankly I don't care if I have to live off macaroni and cheese and peanut butter sandwiches for the next 3 years until I can finish school and enter my career....I AM going to make this happen, and soon.

Lastly I want to finish up this post by saying I never thought I would be like this. Honestly between the two of us Thomas was the one who mentioned maybe staying home, which made sense because ~I~ am the breadwinner in our family, but ever since Cullen was born all of this has changed. I can all the sudden see myself staying at home (again, at least until my career starts because I still WANT a career). I just never imagined motherhood coming this easy and natural. No one can seem to get over how well I do it. No, I am not purposely trying to toot my own horn here (although this is MY blog right), but I do take pride in the fact others around me notice my relaxed persona in caring for my son. I don't get anxious when he cries...if something is wrong, I simply try to figure out what, and honestly I think this plays a role in how little he does cry. Babies can sense stress and become fussy so I make it a point to calmly care for him even when I'm tired in the middle of the night. As cliche as it is, this is a role I was born for and for now, I want to relish in it.

Anatomy of a smile

2009-01-15T14:54:00.004-05:00

As I mentioned before, Cullen has been socially smiling now for a few weeks, BUT we can never catch it on our camera because as soon as he sees the pre-flash "flash" it disappears. So, the other day I took the flash off (hence the darker pictures) and set the camera to take a picture about once a second and this is what I caught.....

"I'm not gonna smile Mommy and you can't make me...."
"Oh, you're good...I'm thinking about it...."
"Yup....I'm getting warmer"
"Oh, wait....maybe it's gas"
"Nope....it's the real deal.....yippee!!"

SUCCESS!!!!

Today I'm thankful for....

2009-01-14T11:58:00.002-05:00

The fact my son slept from 10pm until 5am this morning =)

I actually woke up at 3 without him getting me up because I was so used to getting up at that time. I went to the bathroom and quickly discovered he was still sound asleep so I went back to bed. He is now taking his afternoon nap, and although I should be doing several other things, I'm enjoying sitting right here for now ;-)

The GRE's

2009-01-13T17:29:00.004-05:00

Ah...the GRE's. The most important step into entering grad school. I have been putting off taking these things for a few reasons. Number one I was hoping to do an online program and didn't require them (and actually was in one for 4 months but ended up hating it), two, I hate to study and three, even though I am a great student, I do have testing anxiety because I am afraid I will end up not performing to my known potential.....but none the less, my new MS program requires it so I took them last Saturday. All in all, they really weren't that bad (and I didn't even study for them!), but I am a bit surprised by my results. Overall I did very well, but my quantitative score was higher than my verbal by a couple hundred which was the exact opposite of the last standardized test I took (the SAT's) and in every previous standardized test. I have ALWAYS been a more "verbal" person....in fact, I actually struggle some in math because it isn't something I enjoy even though I'm also extremely science oriented. Yes, I know...my brain is a tad bit complicated, lol.

Anyways, after the test I began to think about why this change had taken place and came to a few conclusions

1.) It has been almost 6 years since I have engaged in any type of English based course. My BS was composed entirely of fact-driven, scientific information courses like A and P, Microbiology, Chemistry, etc.
2.) I don't read a lot anymore. Sure, I read text books and scientific articles which I have to comprehend, but again those are based in factual information and understanding data, stats, and experimental results...not exactly abstract concepts, or even implied concepts...it either is, or it isn't.
3.) As an adult, I don't work on it anymore....in other words, use it or lose it. I need to start doing crosswords and/or word games again as I've found it really does help.

Anyways, as I said, my scores were fine and I sent them off to my intended school.....I was just a little taken aback by the breakdown of them because it was so different from anything I've taken before, apparently my brain changed, lol.

Randomness of me

2009-01-12T16:46:00.006-05:00

As you can imagine since Cullen has been born the camera is always within reach in our home. However sometimes when I'm transferring pictures to the computer I come across photos that DH has taken that I've either forgotten about or simply didn't know were being taken, but none the less it depicts our new "normal" life around here lately (at least the first 6 weeks pp), and I wanted to share.

This is one of my favorite pictures with Cullen. It's my perfect moment (sorry for the slight nipple peek, lol).
I think I was on the computer here just chilling out
Oh yeah...BFing in the car

Talk about your close-ups And finally....the activity and sleepiness that the morning brings....
You can't see it in this last picture, but I am making funny faces at Cullen (and he was reciprocating with smiles). It was after his morning feed and he was super awake.

Preview for tomorrow....GRE results!!

Ugh....

2009-01-09T16:39:00.003-05:00

My MIL is ridiculous. Honestly the woman has NO common sense and the only conversation she is capable of having is small, idle chit chat that isn't worth my breath to respond back to. I mean it's so freaking random about shit no one cares about....like the great deal she got on meat that day or how many beads she bought for her necklace. Blah blah, blah blah, blah blah blah BLAH. Can you tell I HATE it when she is here, I HATE it when she is in my house and I HATE being forced to make conversation with her....hence the reason I am "studying" for my GRE's right now and bitching to all of you guys before I pop or say something utterly snarky on her not so smart ass ;-)

For example, for the last 15 minutes she has been talking about: her cable and her wireless phone discount, which lead her into a conversation of all the other discounts she gets and where and how much, etc (she works for a government agency), her pots and pans she got on discount, her older than dirt color tv, her broken coffee pot, the oysters she bought for dinner.....do you see my agony here?

Oh AND....DH's Aunt sent us pictures of Thomas as baby and there was one person we didn't recognize holding him so we asked his mom who it was, and she said she wasn't sure. OK, thats fine...it's been 34 years and maybe it was someone's friend, girlfriend, etc, BUT then she goes on to say "Well, I guess it could be me, I'm not really sure" Um, are you freaking kidding me?!?! You are so flighty that you don't recognize YOURSELF in pictures.....Holy Jesus.

Oh and you want to know how she shows off her mothering skills today (and why I NEVER want her alone with my child); DH worked out this morning and his legs are sore so when he got up a bit slowly she asked what was wrong and he told her. Do you know what her response was?....and I quote..."Ha Ha Ha...serves you right".....Says the woman who got gastric bypass surgery 4 years ago (which btw, although not a small woman, she was NOT obese enough for medical reasons) then gained all the weight back because she doesn't have a healthy bone in her body.....

OK, I could go on and on, but it honestly raises my blood pressure so I'm stopping now, lol.

Thank you card etiquette

2009-01-08T15:28:00.002-05:00

Just curious, but what is everyone's thank you card etiquette....you know, what do you send them for, how long is *too* long to wait, is the wait time more acceptable for things like babies (since the receiver is obviously very busy and probably sleep deprived) verses a wedding?

Is there a general rule for thank you cards (besides personal ones)? Should you send them for events that presents are usually assumed such as birthdays or Christmas? I only ask this because I received a thank you card from my nieces (of course written by my SIL) for their Christmas gifts and my one nieces birthday (it's Dec. 26th), and it made me go "hmmm, is this something a lot of people do?" because I for one have never really done the thank you card for Christmas since mainly I am physically there to say thank you and I never thought it was expected. I also will admit that I'm not sure I have ever done thank you cards for birthday gifts either, again because I can usually say it when the person gives it to me (well, at least not as an adult, I do remember my mom having me do thank you cards when we actually had a PARTY and such when I was younger). Is this bad etiquette of me? Does it depend on your age or how far away the person is or even the monetary value of the gift itself?

So, I am curious about everyone else's habits...let's put it into a poll (answers in the comment section please)

1.) What are the events you give out thank you cards for?
2.) How long is acceptable to wait to get them out?
3.) Does the event matter in the time referred to in question 2?
4.) If one waits *too* long, is it better to just forget about it or send them out very late?
5.) What are the events you feel thank you cards are not needed?
6.) Regarding question 5, if you received something of great monetary or sentimental value would you feel obligated to give a thank you card even though you normally wouldn't?
7.) And lastly....have you ever felt jilted by not receiving a thank you card when you thought you should have?

Healthy baby=Eternal Happiness?

2009-01-07T12:12:00.003-05:00

I just came across something that bothers me and I want to share. On an internet forum that I frequently browse a woman was venting about her DH being laid off again, and she was worried and stressing over not having enough savings (because they had already drained it the first time he was laid off) and being financially strapped. Unfortunately this type of story and financial burden is all to common in today's economy (in fact just yesterday I canceled our cable to save money and I called to have our home phone-we will be using cell phones-disconnected at the end of the billing cycle). I mean, Thomas and I live paycheck to paycheck right now, so yes, one of us losing our job would be devastating so I understand this woman's concern. Anyways, although she was trying to be nice, someone responded back with this statement:

"All I can say is be strong for your LO. I know things are crappy right now, but I also know that you 2 have been pretty fortunate in having a healthy child and all"

And with that, I have issues.....Since when does having a healthy child null and void all the other issues and problems that can go wrong in life? Now please don't get me wrong.....children are a true blessing and I don't know what I would do without my son and I am THANKFUL every day for him, and I do understand the heartache of someone who struggles to bring a child into their life, and yes I understand that the love you have for your child can transcend many things that arise in life, BUT those other things do still exist AND those other things can cause stress. In fact, having a child INCREASES the intensity of financial situations because baby's cost A LOT of money.

I mean, if you look at the statement literally it could be interpreted as "well at least you don't have a 'sick' child that would require more stress and money than a 'healthy' one does". And yes this statement is true because anyone who has been the caretaker for a chronically sick baby, whether by disease or infection, etc, can tell you it IS extra stress and extra medical expenses so it can increase the financial burden one may have, BUT the simple existence of a "healthy" baby doesn't negate all financial stresses and woes nor is it a reason for people NOT to be upset over it so why is it considered a helpful response? Besides....how good is it to have a healthy child and not be able to keep them that way....because even "healthy" children require diapers and clothes and food and toys and medical care...which costs MONEY. So in my eyes, even if you have a healthy child, the child itself can cause more financial stress because you are worried about all the things you have to provide for your child....and if you can't do that, it can lead to guilt and more problems.

Again, don't misinterpret me here, this isn't an issue of "at least you have a child" or "since you have a child you need to be grateful" because I AM grateful for my child, I AM thankful. I simply have an issue of people using that statement as an excuse or a reason for other people to not be upset over negative life situations. Having a baby/child is wonderful but it doesn't mean someone is happy all the time and it certainly doesn't solve or erase all of life's problems as the responder above implied. Seems like a bit of an unnecessary guilt trip, no?

That time is approaching!

2009-01-05T13:31:00.002-05:00

In 2 weeks and 2 days I will be sitting at my desk right now rather than being here with my little man...and quite frankly it just flat out sucks. The good thing is I *might* have secured a place to keep him during the day, but I am still looking for various part time jobs because I want to be home during the day with him....especially when the weather breaks and I can take him for walks or to the park that is literally 2 blocks away. Plus, we all know how much I HATE my job (yes, I know I am thankful to at least have a job, don't even go there will ya?)

Oh, speaking of work and things I hate....I have a MIL (ha!) story regarding this issue. About 3 weeks ago when Cullen was 1 month my MIL comes up and asks when I will be going back to work and what we will be doing with the baby. I tell her I go back the 21st of Jan and as of right now we have no idea. If worse comes to worse I will have to stay off longer than expected, at least for a week or so. THEN she goes ON and ON about how leaving him will be the worst thing I will ever do and how much I am going to cry and cry and cry....because that is how she did with Thomas (although she called him Eddie which drives us both up a freaking wall, but anyways) and I will be missing on of the most important times of my son's life. THEN she proceeds to say "Well, of course I had a year off with Eddie". Does anyone else see how utterly wrong this was? I mean, did you really just tell a hormonal partpartum mother who doesn't want to leave her child with anyone else right now that YOU got an entire fucking year off work and cried and cried and cried when you had to leave him then? How the hell do you think ~I~ feel after less than three months? And of course she then she proceeds to rub it in by stating how I will be missing one of the greatest times of my son's life?!?!?! Seriously lady.....F***k You.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

2009-01-04T12:29:00.005-05:00

Yeah, OK I'm a *little* late at getting either of these posts in, but ya know, what can ya do? ;-) Christmas this year was obviously one of our best ever because I was blessed enough to spend it with my family which included Cullen. It was just another reminder of how much of a difference a year can make since last Christmas was one of the saddest for Thomas and I. As far as tradition though, nothing changed because we went to my Mom's Christmas Eve just like always.....except this time there were a few more presents under the tree. Did I tell you that next year there will be TWO more babies besides my own? Yeah, my Dad is putting another addition on their house to accommodate our quickly growing family. After this though, the only people continuing this growth will be Thomas and I because both of my brother's are finished (although my oldest brother has always wanted to adopt but quite frankly his wife isn't exactly the "mothering" type and I highly doubt this will ever happen). Anyways, last year I posted this post with pictures of Christmas if you want to compare, but if not (and really, why would you right?) here is a peak of this year's festivities.

The big family portrait
Just chilling at G'mas....I just fell in love with this little onsie =)
Various action shots These next two pictures are of my Mom and Dad holding Cullen. Other than liking the pictures themselves, I imagine these are the moments I am going to be grateful that I captured on film when Cullen is grown and they are no longer around (as sad as that is to think about right now).
Opening presents makes me sleepy....
Mommy and Me....and yes people, that is spit up, lol.
The new family....

Now, onto New Years. I was in bed by 10ish, like normal, but Thomas woke me up to see the ball drop. My son spent New Years Eve like this....
As for the whole resolution thing, Thomas vowed to lose the baby weight (I told him he should take up breastfeeding....I would get more sleep-although as I've mentioned before I really am a well rested new mom considering-and he would guarantee shed some pounds, lol) and I simply made a promise to Cullen that I would be the best Mommy I can be. My personal goal is to make a budget and stick to it since we will either have the extra expense of day care or a reduction in salary on my part (more on that to come later). Either way....all of them seem perfectly reasonable and I am anxious to see what 2009 holds for myself and my new family =)

Postpartum reflections

2008-12-30T21:21:00.002-05:00

I had my 6 week follow-up visit today, which means technically my postpartum time frame is up (although as many mothers will tell you, it can last much longer than that). As for the appt. itself all is well, my incision is great, I'm about 8 lbs under my pre-pregnancy weight, got my pap taken care of as well because it was due, and got my prescription for the mini pill since Thomas and I want to wait about 2.5 years to start trying again (plus if all goes well I am starting my MS program in the Fall, so no baby during that time). However, I started thinking today of how my postpartum has been, and have a few reflections about it.

First of all, I would have to say that my pp has been fairly easy compared to many I have seen/heard/read about. My milk came in 2 days after delivery and except for the whole engorgement phase BF has been great and I really enjoy it (although pumping I'm not so crazy about), Cullen has never been a fussy baby and except for a rare night here and there has slept in 3 hour increments at night from the beginning, my husband took off 3 weeks in the beginning and really was/is such a great help, and I never really felt that "off"/bluesy feeling that usually correlates with the postpartum time, but there are a few things that make me sad or stress me out....

1.) Talking about/listening about the state of our economy. It just flat out makes me sad, and it makes me feel like I am bringing my son up in a failing country. It makes me feel like I won't be able to provide for him completely and family vacations may be cut short.

2.) My house...Thomas and I desperately want to move, but again that poses a problem if you refer to sadness number one.

3.) My job. I was almost at my wits end before I left and now that I have been gone for 6 weeks (with 3 more to go.....woo-hoo!) I really, really, really, REALLY don't want to go back.

4.) Child care. We still have no idea what we are going to do. We are on several waiting lists, but haven't heard a thing yet, and I haven't found an at home day-care that will work. I am working on finding a part-time night job that will allow me to stay at home with Cullen and bring in the money that I would be bringing in with my full time job sans the amount needed for day care (which is 500-800 a month depending on the facility). This means I need to bring in about 1000 a month, and yes for anyone who can add I just gave away my crappy salary. So much for that piece of paper hanging on my wall that is supposed to mean something huh?

5.) Being pregnant. This is my last item that makes me blue sometimes because I truly, truly miss being pregnant, and it does make me sad (please don't interpret this as I don't love my son on the outside because it is two completely different things). I loved it (the whole pregnancy thing that is)! I took a bath tonight and realized the last time I took one was 2 nights before I delivered so I was still very pregnant. I used to love bathtime with the baby bump because Cullen would always respond to the water I poured over my belly; it was so awesome to feel. There are times when I get a muscle twitch or a small gas bubble and think "wow, that is what it used to feel like in the beginning". I put my hands on my abdomen and am just in awe of what it did for 9 months and what it looks like now. It is so bittersweet to have that time period of my life over right now, and it is something I will truly cherish.

Also (this isn't a sad thing), the one thing I find myself doing as a new Mom is love talking to first time pregnant Moms. I feel so empowered to be the one on the advice giving part of this subject now =) However, I always make sure the person on the other end actually wants it or as asked for it, because didn't that crazy, unwanted baby info from everyone else drive you crazy? ;-)

As promised

2008-12-29T11:01:00.007-05:00

Ok internet world, I am keeping with my promise and making up for lost time here. First of all, I am really bad at updating (which is a bit ironic because I LOVE it when people update their blog with pictures and such)....so bad in fact I don't even remember the last thing I told you or all the great things that have happened since then. I am bad about this in real life too. I have one of those "Baby's First Year" memory books and have yet to start filling it out....=/ This is why scrapbooking is so not for me. Overall though, things are great....baby is great so let's run it down.

~I think I love him more everyday which I didn't even think was possible.
~He loves his rocker and swing and is just starting to actually care about toys.
~He follows the dogs around the room with his eyes and just recently started socially smiling at Thomas and I. Actually, I think he has been doing this longer than I realized, but because he randomly smiled so much the transition was a bit hard to decipher.
~He doesn't really cry a lot but he is a huge grunter, which is what I've learned to interpret.
~He's a great eater, and loves the boob.
~He loves it when we go places.
~He is losing his hair from front to back.
~He's growing like a weed, and I have pictures to prove it ;-)

So, in lieu of that, let me flood you with pictures....I honestly don't know exactly how old he is in each one (told you I was bad at this) but they go in order from younger until now....these are a few of my personal favorites....

This outfit is completely too big for him now

A group shot with my younger cousin and her son, Tanner, who is Cullen's older cousin (by 18 days)
Crazy eye shot! (Oh, and it looks like my son has red hair here doesn't it?)
I had to put this picture in there. Apparently my son and I are not the only ones in the house who likes his boppy.
"Good Morning Daddy....What's up?"
I call this his angel pose....it's so sweet!
I loved this outfit.....can you read the characters?

Sleepy boy....

~Pictures with other people~

Sleeping with Dad

"Hey Charlie....we match!"
"Whoa, It's Gayle!"
The family
"Hi Mommy! I think I like looking at you more than the tree!"
Aunt Diane....she called herself Grandma Diane...I loved it, my MIL would flip if she knew though.
And Uncle Jerry (btw, Diane and Jerry are literally the only sane people in my husband's family)

So, there it is....the last few weeks in review =) Oh, and I purposely left off pictures from Christmas because that is a completely different post (and another opportunity to post more pictures ::wink::)

Ahh...Mommy time

2008-12-28T20:41:00.002-05:00

Right now I'm enjoying some Mommy time sans baby. Don't get me wrong, I love my son, I love spending all day with him and honestly right now I want to be a SAHM if I could, BUT in the evening after 2 hour feeds and just as frequent diaper changes during the day I need some time without the responsibility of baby and this is where my wonderful husband comes in. Usually after the 7ish feed I hand Cullen over to Thomas and do anything I want without worry until the next feed (usually between 9 and 10)....take a bath, read a book, cruise the internet, blog...whatever. It's MY own time and I thoroughly enjoy it. Plus, I think it serves another purpose by building my husband's parenting confidence, and as Nancy talks about in her post here he must actually DO the baby thing without being ASKED to do the baby thing from me.

Random thought: I love Ice Breakers Pomegranate Lemon-Aid Restore mints, and my dogs love the new pigs ears we bought them (but they really stink AND come from some really huge pigs....I bet they are actually hogs' ears).

Lastly, I realize I have been royally craptastic at posting pictures and updates about my little man so tommorow I will create a post jammed full of all things Cullen =)

Power Shopping

2008-12-19T15:44:00.002-05:00

Well, needless to say with all the excitement and changes in my house since Thanksgiving I haven't exactly been Christmas shopping. In fact, up until this morning I had bought exactly .5 gifts....yup, that's right...half of one person's present. So, today after Cullen's one month appt (which btw he weighed 9 lbs and 13oz and was 21 and 3/4 inches long....yay my happily breastfed, 50th percentile boy!!) Thomas and I decided to take care of business and in a matter of 2 hours we were able to buy gifts for both my SIL's (we drew names this year so they were all we needed to buy for between the adult "children"), my parents (one each and then one together), my youngest neice and nephew, one gift for Cullen and half of my older nieces gifts. If you divide it out, we spent about 12 minutes per gift AND ate lunch at Chick-fil-A, lol. Oh, and we managed to get Cullen's picture taken with Santa =D

Now all we have left is Thomas' Mom, a few more gifts for Cullen and the remainder of my nieces things. I think I'm feeling very accomplished right now ;-)

Fear

2008-12-16T21:18:00.003-05:00

Becoming a parent comes with a huge host of fears (duh, no?), and these fears start from the moment you see that double pink line. Mainly the overriding question of fear is "Is my baby or will my baby be okay?" and this question increases 1000 fold when the baby actually arrives into the world. However, pregnancy and a baby cause personal fears as well....."Will I be a good mother?", "Can I afford everything?", "How will my body change?", etc. For me, my biggest fear involved sex. As many of you know, my husband and I have had "issues" in this department. We used to have awesome chemistry in this department, but after years of planned baby-making sex and then attempts at conception sans sex at all, the whole idea of sex really went downhill. Thomas and I could go over a month and never even attempt to do the deed, and worse yet, not even care that we hadn't done anything. Also, even when we actually attempted sex it was, quite frankly, predictable and boring and more of an obligation that anything and we also swore that when I got pregnant it would be different because the pressure would be gone....

But then I got pregnant and things didn't change. We didn't have sex for the first 12 weeks because of our previous m/c....we were just cautious, then we just didn't have sex for no reason in particular.....we had sex 1 time around 18 weeks and then never again. I found out later my husband thought sex with a pregnant woman was weird, especially once we found out his son was in there. It is December and all I need are two hands to count how many times we have had sex in 2007.

Do you know what happens when you don't have sex with your spouse? Well, I will tell you......you start feeling really unsexy, then you become a bit resentful, then you just don't give a crap whether you have sex at all....and that makes you sad. So, given our history and the whole no sex during pregnancy thing my main personal fear was that I would never enjoy sex again....that my husband and I would never be that couple with great chemistry again who has really good passionate sex (hell, I would just settle for enjoyable sex at this point)....BUT something has strangly happened in my husband. Maybe it was the years of bad sex, maybe it was the suspense of pregnancy or maybe it is the fact we can't technically have sex yet, but whatever it is my husband has all the sudden turned over a new leaf. He kisses me.....and I don't just mean any kiss, I mean deep, passionate, open-mouth kisses (which btw, he used to hate to do). He grabs me just to make out and is in control of it (which I find a complete turn on), and he is all the sudden willing to do "other stuff" that normally didn't play a role in our sex life to begin with.....um, what in the world happend to my husband?!? I swear it was like he took a pill or something and got his libido back after it being in suspension for so long.

Case in point...while I was writing this he just grabbed me and started making out on the couch....quite frankly, I LOVE it. If we could actually have sex now (yes, I am waiting the full 6 weeks even though I have stopped bleeding...plus my muscles are still a bit sore) I have no doubt it would be effin hot, because right now...well, my husband is hot as hell. His normally reserved attitude about sex has been liberated and returned to our dating state.

All I can say is....I am so glad I don't have to worry about THIS fear anymore. I am a month postpartum and I feel so freaking sexy....rock on to my husband.

A quick question

2008-12-14T15:50:00.002-05:00

I have a few important and interesting (well, at least ~I~ think they are interesting, haha) posts to write, but right now I don't have the time as I am waiting for Thomas to get home from work so we can run errands for the day; however I wanted to ask a question to everyone....

For those with children, are you the sole nighttime caretaker or is it a shared job between you and your spouse? If not, what is your system? Also, did this plan change between the time you were just talking about what would be done (when you were pregnant or otherwise) and the reality of actually doing it?

Still holding steady and getting real.

2008-12-05T17:30:00.003-05:00

All is holding steady in the Major household =) I actually got out of the house yesterday (yay!) and Thomas and I took Cullen to Sam's and the mall and we experienced our first public diaper change (as a sidenote: why in the world are those little changing areas so high up? I swear I had to change his diaper at boob level!) and our first public nursing session. The dogs are driving me crazy, but at least they are adjusting pretty well to the new person in household and ignore him for the most part.

Also, I must say that Cullen gave mommy quite a gift last night by allowing me to sleep 4 hours in a row....in a row people!!! Do you know how great that is?!?!? At first I freaked out when I woke up and realized what time it was seeing as he went 5 hours between feeds, but I was thankful for the sleep AND I have made sure he is getting his needed 8 feeds in today even with the large timespan last night.

Speaking of the nights, I have learned something about myself. I know I have pretty much been puppies and sunshine about this mommy and having a new baby thing, but as Nancy puts it I am still in the "newborn honeymoon" phase and Cullen IS a wonderful baby. He has a great temperment, has a good sleeping pattern and really only cries during diaper changes BUT getting "real" for a moment I do have my moments throughout the day when I get a bit panicky about being a Mom. Right around 8ish at night I go through what I call my panic hour. It's dark, it's after dinner, I've been feeding and tending to Cullen all day, and I start to get panicky/anxious about the fact I know I am going to be up with him in the middle of the night for feedings and diaper changes. There is no question that I will not be able to just go to sleep until morning...it is inevitable I will be up at least once (yes, I know I'm really lucky that it is sometimes only once at this point, but still). It is this time of night I need Thomas to take Cullen.....change a few diapers, play with him, just do something so I don't have too. I'm also slightly jealous of my husband because he hasn't gotten up once in the middle of the night since Cullen was born.....he actually doesn't even hear him! However, I ordered my pump today and as soon as it comes in we are going to introduce a bottle and I guarantee that even if I have to wake him up, he WILL do at least one nightime feed ;-)

But speaking of my husband.....regardless of his sleeping abilities, I have NO IDEA what I would have done these past few weeks without him. I know I am extrememly lucky that he stayed off work so long (he goes back next week) and honestly he has been wonderful. He helps me with Cullen whenever I ask, he gets the dogs out of my hair when I need it, he helps to keep up with the housework and he loves his son with a passion I have never seen from him....it's gentle, it's strong, it's protective....it's absolutely beautiful to watch. He is an amazing man and Cullen and I are very lucky.

An adventure in bra shopping

2008-12-02T20:07:00.002-05:00

Seeing as I only had one nursing bra, my Mom and I went to Target sans baby so I could get another one AND being the courteous person I am I brought along nursing pads since I had to try said bra on (makes ya wonder how many women may not do this huh?). Anyways, I go in the dressing room and proceed with the trying on process and decide I don't like the bra so I take it off and lean over to get my bra and shirt back on. Low and behold the next thing I know I'm dripping milk onto my shoes (which by the way are STILL stained), and I don't mean a few drops...I'm talking about a flow of milk in which I grab my nursing pads and cups them over my very productive boobs for a good 5 minutes. Ahh....good times!

Case in point....apparently they are correct when they say you can let down by simply THINKING about nursing.....

A few firsts.....

2008-11-29T20:16:00.003-05:00

Baby's First Thanksgiving....November 2008

Baby's first bath by Mommy and Daddy....